Bam! Super Nature, God Damn!: World’s Strangest Creatures

Team of Scientists pack your bags! We’re taking a much needed vacation! I’ve booked ahead and all travel arrangements have been made. Don’t forget your passports and other essentials because–What? This has nothing to do with what happened a couple of weeks ago!

FLASHBACK…

One part avian flu, one part pig flu, and what the hell two parts human flu. Uh oh.

 Alright! Alright! We have to lay low for a while. So I figured why not kill two birds with one stone and finally get that expedition we have been planning out of the way. What do you mean, “what expedition?” I see you guys taking notes all day on those clipboards, but never seem to remember a damn thing I say. We are traveling  the world to find the world’s strangest creatures. First stop, The Arctic!

Narwhal: Sea Unicorns

The narwhal (Monodon monoceros) is a medium-sized toothed whale that lives year-round in the Arctic. One of two species of whale in the Monodontidae family, along with the Beluga whale, the narwhal males are distinguished by a characteristic long, straight, helical tusk extending from their upper left jaw.

 

No, it hasn't just finished eating a Unicorn.

 

The long helical tusk has been the topic of much debate over those studying the narwhal. Some say it’s a tool to break the icy surface of the Arctic waters, others believe the narwhal males will use the tusks when fighting, but the most widely believed purpose is that it is a secondary sexual characteristic. This would also mean the tusk is used to determine social rank, and maintain dominance, not unlike a lion’s mane, or a peacock’s tail feathers.

You’re not fooling me Narwhal, nor will I leave this up to debate. Nobody shows up with a nearly ten foot spiral bone lance protruding out of their mouth without something to prove. Team of Scientists! Bring me closer to that group over there.

If they're not careful, someone's gonna poke an eye out.

 

Hmmm? They don’t seem to be showing signs of aggression to each other. Maybe the others are right in that the tusk is only for show. Well, Team of Scientists let’s continue on to our next destination. Wait a minute?

 

Oh my God! He’s looking at those narwhals.

 

 

Stop you fool!!!

 

As God as my witness this actually happened.

 

Aye-Aye: Your Nightmare Come to Life

The Aye-aye is the world’s largest nocturnal prosimian, and dwells predominantly in forest canopies.

Mother of Pearl!!

The adult Aye-aye has black or dark brown fur covered by white guard hairs at the neck. The tail is bushy and shaped like that of a squirrel. The Aye-aye’s face is also rodent-like, the shape of a raccoon’s, and mouses bright, beady, luminous eyes. Its incisors are very large, and grow continuously throughout its lifespan.

It's teeth, they never...stop growing!!

The Aye-aye’s hands are arguably its most unusual feature. Much like other primates, it possesses opposable thumbs, but both the hallux and the fingers are long and slender, and appear to be in a curved position.  The middle finger can be up to three times longer than the others.

Look at it's hands! LOOK AT IT'S HANDS!

Researchers in Madagascar report remarkable fearlessness in the Aye-aye; some accounts tell of individual animals strolling nonchalantly in village streets or even walking right up to naturalists in the rainforest and sniffing their shoes.

It shows NO FEAR!!

Well Hollywood science fiction and fantasy writers, it looks like Darwin just trumped your asses! Moving on.

 

Pistol Shrimp: The Gunslinger of the Sea

Growing tired of copying and pasting from Wikpedia, I’ve decided to give Youtube a chance at better explaining the awesome power of the Pistol Shrimp. Trust me, it’s worth a watch.

Amazing! This little guy can harness the power of the Sun itself.  Scientist #4 collect me a specimen.

Quick! Put it down, put it down!

 

You win this round Pistol Shrimp. But one day you’re awesome power will be mine! Don’t worry Scientist #4 we’ll stop at Rite Aid for some balm before our next stop.

"I'll shoot ya, and wear yer boots!"

 

Japanese Spider Crab: Combining Your Fears of Crabs and Spiders

You must have seen this coming. No trip into the strange and bizarre is complete without a stop to Japan. One has to wonder why Japan spent decades filming a guy in a rubber suit, stomping on model cities when they could have just filmed this.

I really wish I could say that this is fake.

The Japanese spider crab, Macrocheira kaempferi, is the largest known arthropod; fully grown it can reach a leg span of almost 4 m (13 ft), a body size of up to 37 cm (15 inches) and a weight of up to 20 kg (44 lb).

Spider Crabs! Represeeeent!

 

Here’s a quick video to showcase the actual size of these Spider Crabs. Ignore the annoying tourists.

It is believed to have a life expectancy of up to 100 years. That’s right folks. They are possibly immortal. It seems to me these Spider Crabs would pose a serious threat to the Japanese being able to get a good night’s sleep. I wonder how they cope with knowing these creatures are most likely surrounding their mainlands, ready to invade?

 

It's Japan. Of course they are going to eat them!

 

Speaking of Crabs,

 

Giant Coconut Crab: We’re all Doomed

Sure the Japanese Spider Crab may be the largest known crab, but they seem very fragile and edible. Well where the Coconut Crab falls short in size, it more than makes up for in shear strength.

This is not photoshopped, not a model, and not a picture from the set of a new science fiction movie.

 

I know what you’re thinking. Maybe that’s just a tiny tree and I’m using trick photography. Well here’s another pic.

 

Going through human trash...to STUDY US!

Now you’re probably asking yourself where the name “Coconut Crab” comes from? The Coconut Crab’s primary food source comes from cracking open coconuts and eating the liquidy fleshy insides.

Other researchers claim they crack coconuts for food. I say it's practice!

 

That’s right! I believe the Coconut Crab is merely using coconuts to hone their skills to eventually crack our own similarly textured heads!

Oh my God! It's right on your head! How do you not notice?!

 

And when will enough be enough for the Coconut Crab?!

 

"Oh my sweet Anna! I regret nothing!!"

 

But the Coconut Crab will not ever stop! It’s agenda is clear!

 

 

Team of Scientists! We must get back to the lab and figure out a way to stop the Coconut Crab menace before they eventually become known as the Cranium Crab! Swine Flu be damned! We have work to do!

 

Bonus Content: The Star Nosed Mole

I'm not touching that one with a 10 foot Narwhal tusk

 

John Michael Gagnon AKA Johnny Red

 

And Now a Weekly Message From Doctor Steel

I dig it.

Johnny Red and his Team of Scientists VS. The Church of Scientology

Science by definition:  the state of knowing : knowledge as distinguished from ignorance or misunderstanding

Scientology by definition: the state of believing : knowledge NOT distinguished from the insane babbling of a drug filled science fiction writer and con artist

Where to begin? My Team of Scientists and I have spent the last week researching The Church of Scientology, and it’s claims that it can free humans from suffering, war, illnesses, and ancient alien ghosts that currently inhabit our body. In all this research I was amazed to find very little “science” in Scientology. Given the word “Scientology”, I figured it would be swimming in it. Instead we discovered a worldwide scam set up as a religion to dupe people out of their lifesavings all the while leaving a mysterious trail of fraud, intimidation, and in some cases death.

Well let’s start off with the man who created Scientology in the first place. L. Ron Hubbard created the Church of Scientology in 1952.

 

 

A face that screams leadership

 

 

Hubbard, a mediocore science fiction writer at best, claims that 75 million years ago our solar system was filled with many more planets than we have now and were becoming overpopulated. Xenu, the galactic dictator at the time, decided that the best form of population control was to gather up billions of the inhabitants of these planets, freeze them, and then bring them to Earth for prompt destruction.

Stay with me now…

Xenu then dumped these aliens around various volcanoes on the Earth, and then H-bombed the shit out of these volcanoes.

But wait, how did Xenu transport all those aliens? Apparently he flew them all to Earth in Spaceships that Hubbard described as looking nearly identical to DC-8 airplanes.

 

 

I suspect Hubbard was driving by the airport when he came up with that spaceship description. I say that because DC-8 planes were being flown in the 50's, around the same time he came up with Scientology.

 

 

 

But the story doesn’t end there. After the alien bodies were destroyed, their spirits, named Thetans, were released. Xenu apparently knew this was going to happen. He captured the Thetans and forced them to watch brainwashing propaganda and released the Thetans back onto Earth where they eventually found primitive humans. The Thetans bonded with the humans and we eventually created various religions, institutions, etc. that are the product of Xenu’s propaganda. Oh and eventually Xenu was captured in a rebellion by the aliens of the other planets and confined to an electrical prison on a mountain top somewhere.

My thoughts exactly.

Sure most religions have crazy creation myths and fantastic stories that if you are a follower would have to take them on faith, but have you ever read Moses, Jesus, Buddha, or Muhammad quoted as saying this:

“You don’t get rich writing science fiction. If you want to get rich, you start a religion.” -L. Ron Hubbard

And rich he became, because you see in order to rid ourselves of those nasty Thetans you have to go through several auditing levels in the Church of Scientology. It’s all very complex and if your are curious I would suggest searching the net as I did. But the bottom line is this: each level of auditing requires you to pay more and more out of your pocket. By the time you reach the uppper levels of auditing members have to pay upwards of a $100,000 a session. Hubbard called this the process to becoming “clear”.

It's "clear" my dumbass was robbed blind.

Now your first auditing session is free of charge of course, not unlike crack rock. So what brings people back for an expensive second auditing? I put my Team of Scientists to work on this and they returned with some amazing results. You see Scientology auditors use a device they call an E-Meter.

A small current of electricity flows through your body as you grip the two metal rods. A reading is then displayed of your unhappiness level. This determines whether or not the Scientologist wants you to take a second audit. A lot of people actually shell out the money for the second audit. Why is this? Well this is what we found:

“The actual amount of charge delivered to the body by many FDA approved medical devices is of the identical order of magnitude of the small current provided by the Scientology E-Meter.

Thus, I conclude that the E-meter directly provides a pain killing adjunct to the implied result of Scientology auditing technology’s release state.

This is also the source of the sag effect of a participant feeling great after auditing, yet having a sagging emotion tone some few days later – as his bodies endorphin levels go down past normal in a hang over effect, in which, like a heroin addict, he wants another dose, only it is a dose of auditing.”

You can now see how Scientology is clearly a scam to bilk people out of their money. This leads to my next theory. Scientology targets celebrities deliberately since they have more money then they know what to do with.

No, this isn't photoshopped.

Many of you probably know of Scientology because of the celebrities who are members. Tom Cruise, Kirstie Alley, John Travolta, the list goes on and on. On a side note I have discovered something that may or may not be directly related to Scientology.

Is Scientology shrinking Tom Cruise, or enlarging Katie Holmes at an incredible rate?

Seriously...

...WTF is going on here?!

And of course like all religions, Scientology claims to want nothing more than to help those suffering from the hardships of the world we live in. We’ve heard that tired old song too many times. Upon L. Ron Hubbard’s death in 1986, David Miscavige has taken the leadership role in the Church of Scientology. He’s quoted as saying:

“If you want to know what our ultimate goal would be, of course it would be utter peace.” -David Miscavige

Sounds like a humble man. Oh! I almost forgot, here’s a picture of Miscavige.

A lot of words come to mind, but "humble" isn't one of them.

I’ve thought about waging an all out war against the Church of Scientology for their obvious fraud, deceptions, and misusing of the word science, but it appears I’ve already been beaten to it. For the last few years a group calling themselves “Anonymous” have been posting videos on youtube and protesting outside Scientology facilities and buildings. If I knew who any of them where, I’d gladly shake their hands.

Anonymous are obviously "V for Vendetta" fans

 So what has gotten Anonymous so upset with Scientology? I mean if a bunch of weak minded celebrities, and people looking for a crutch are willing to dish out their money then what does it bother them? Well this is where we get into the truly dirty side of Scientology. Members of the Church are expected to follow strict rules. One of those rules is to not take any medications not approved by the Church, and also Psychiatrists are apparently the ultimate evil. Here’s the tragic story of one Lisa McPherson:

On December 5, 1995, Lisa McPherson was dead on arrival at a hospital 45 minutes north of Clearwater Florida. According to the coroner’s report, Lisa was underweight, severely dehydrated, and had bruises and bug bites.

Lisa McPherson was a Scientologist from the ages 18-36.

 On November 18, 1995, Lisa was involved in a minor car accident. She was apparently not hurt, but she got out of her car and took all her clothes off and seemed mentally unstable. She was taken to a hospital where she was physically evaluated as being unharmed, but the hospital wanted her to be psychologically cared for. However, some Scientologists arrived and stated that Lisa did not believe in psychiatry, and she checked out after a short evaluation and left with the Scientologists. She went with them to Room 174 of the Ft. Harrison Hotel for “rest and relaxation” according to the church, but church logs from Lisa’s stay there  from November 18 to her death December 5 show differently.

Lisa McPherson’s suspicious death is not the only one the Church of Scientology has been accused of causing. If you want to learn more on this then click the following link:

The Unfunny Truth of Scientology  *Warning! Graphic images!*

 

If L. Ron Hubbard were alive today, I wonder what he would say about where Scientology has taken themselves? Actually I think that bastard would approve of it all.

“I’m drinking lots of rum and popping pinks and greys.” Actual quote from Hubbard in a letter to his third wife.

Bonus Content

Charles Manson had over 100 hours of auditing sessions before he went on his own murderous rampage.

It's been rumored that Manson left Scientology because it was, "too insane" for his liking.

 

John Gagnon AKA Johnny Red

Monster Rebellion’s Unofficial Spokesman, Doctor Steel!

Late last night I spread my cerebral tentacles out into the Internet and discovered a kindred spirit in one Doctor Steel. I highly recommend readers of my blog check out his website www.doctorsteel.com and also youtube his videos. He’s already light years ahead of me in production value, also a damn fine eccentric musician. Imagine Tom Waits if he dedicated his music to Science Fiction.

So until I have the money and resources to begin Vlogging myself and my crazy beliefs, I’ll let Doctor Steel dispense his wisdom upon you. Also, my steampunk goggles are still in the mail.

Dr. Steel Wants You!!

We may have been seperated at birth

Wow I can’t believe that I haven’t discovered this guy sooner. His website, and seems his very life, is chalk full of Mad Scientist goodness. I’ve been lost on his website for hours on end tonight.

Check out the genius in the madness.

It’s nice to know *sniff* I’m not alone in the world.