Tom Waits Would Fuck You Up!: Chad Kroeger of Nickelback

Hey! Hey Chad Kroeger! Yeah, I’m talking to you Poodle head! Guess what?!

 

 

Well now that I’ve gotten my ten or so years of frustration with Metallica out of my system, hopefully for good, it’s time to target a more universally hated douchebag. Chad Kroeger, who’s actual name is Chad Turton, pfft! dork, is one of those rock star douchebags who seems hell bent on destroying himself and his self-image. I hope he succeeds one day.

 

I bet they called him Chad "Turd"ton in grade school.

 Chad Kroeger isn’t a rock star.Chad Kroeger is a rock star cliche’. The horrible music, which basically all sounds the same, the ridiculous hair, his douchebag behavior, all add to my arguement.  You see Chad Kroeger is over twenty years too late to try and live the rock star lifestyle he’s been living. Let’s start with the first cliche’.

Rock Star Cliche’ #1

In 2006 Chad Kroeger was pulled over and arrested in Surrey, British Columbia for speeding and driving while under the influence of alcohol in his………Ferrari.

 

Chad Kroeger: Still not as cool as Tom Selleck!

 

And to make matters worse, in typical douchebag fashion, he decided to take the police officers who arrested him to court for “illegally” giving him a field sobriety test. Well the results of the test proved he was above the legal limit. The judge threw his case out, while probably laughing at him in the process. Why couldn’t Chad Kroeger just accept he broke the law, paid the fine, and filmed one of those late 80′s – early 90′s public service announcements? That’s what the rock stars in the 80′s did Chad! I hope you’re taking notes.

 

Rock Star Cliche’ #2 

You know when a rock star is trying too hard to be cool when they feel the need to create a sort of modus operandi. They want something that will stick in their fan’s heads. Something that becomes synonymous with themselves. Basically a gimmick. In the following series of pics I want the readers of this blog to try and figure out what that gimmick is.

 

 

 

 

 

I know it's hard to see what it is. It's very subtle and not at all cliche'.

 

 

Do you guys give up yet?

 

 

His medieval arm bands give him +2 Douchebaggery

 

 

HE THROWS UP THE HORNS LIKE HE INVENTED IT!! Really? Is that the best you can do Chad Kroeger? Ok I’m gonna give you a chance to redeem yourself. Try something else. Anything!

 

*sigh*

 

Rock Star Cliche’ #3

You know what really annoys me? When celebrities decide to rally behind some cause that they are completely and utterly ineffectual at changing. One of my favorite examples is Pamela Anderson. She wants you to be a vegetarian, like she doesn’t eat meat *wink wink*, she wants to save the whales, save the seals, save all the animals, save the trees, save the fucking world! Is there anything she won’t rally behind?

 

Oh, for fuck's sake. Hey Pamela! Why don't you Save your Vagina?! Because that thing must be spent!

 

Well Chad Kroeger and Nickelback are no different. Perhaps they chose the following cause to help improve their image, perhaps their management team decided it would boost record sales? Well for whatever reason, they chose to rally behind this.

 

They seem very passionate about their contribution to this cause.

 

That’s right! Chad Kroeger and Nickelback don’t want anymore landmines. It must be hard being a rock star and having to avoid the countless landmines that riddle your pathways. They must have to deal with landmines on a daily basis for them to make t-shirts to express their outrage about them. Sarcasm aside, unless I see a picture or a video of Chad Kroeger on his hands and knees in some middle eastern desert, digging out landmines himself, then Chad Kroeger and Nickelback should probably just shut the fuck up on this issue.

 

This brings me joy.

 

Rock Star Cliche’ #4

Noah Morse, a furniture sales representative,  is suing Chad Kroeger for, “forcefully punching him in the face” outside a Vancouver nightclub. Yep, my final rock star cliche’ for this blog has to with Chad Kroeger going the Axl Rose route and assaulting the common folk. Chad Kroeger seems to have all his bases covered doesn’t he? Now what may you ask caused this altercation? What could Noah Morse possibly have done to cause Chad Kroeger to beat this man so bad he may need surgery? Apparently all Noah Morse said was, “Nickelback sucks”, as he saw Chad Kroeger leave the nightclub.

If I were Noah Morse I would sue Chad Kroeger for not only the punch to the face, but for nearly 10 years of assault to my ear drums as well. And you might think Noah Morse is a pansy, or should be too embarassed to make a public spectacle of the punch to the face. But I think he did the right thing. In fact, if I said Nickelback sucks and Chad Kroeger came after me, I would let him beat the holy hell out of me! I’d let him tune me up real good. Because every punch that hit my body would make a “ka-ching!” sound.

I couldn’t find any good pictures to go with this cliche’ entry, so I decided to include my all time favorite SNL digital short, “Punched in the face before eating.” I suggest you watch because it has two of my favorite things ever. Zombies, and Jon Bon Jovi getting punched in the face.

 

 

Now it’s time to get down to business. Lyrical dismantling of Nickelback’s “Next Contestant” for you’re reading pleasure. I didn’t include any funny pics, because honestly there is nothing funny about what this megalomaniac is singing about, however I will comment after each verse.

NEXT CONTESTANT

I judge by what she’s wearing
Just how many heads I’m tearing
Off of assholes coming on to her
Each night seems like it’s getting worse
And I wish she’d take the night off
So I don’t have to fight off
Every asshole coming on to her
It happens every night she works
They’ll go and ask the DJ
Find out just what would she say
If they all tried coming on to her
Don’t they know it’s never going to work
They think they’ll get inside her
With every drink they buy her
As they all try coming on to her
This time somebody’s getting hurt

Here comes the next contestant

Soooo, you’re admitting to the world, through a song, that millions of people are going to listen to, that you indeed are dating and/or stalking a stripper. Classy, Chad Kroeger.

 

[CHORUS]
Is that your hand on my girlfriend?
Is that your hand?
I wish you’d do it again
I’ll watch you leave here limping
I wish you’d do it again
I’ll watch you leave here limping
There goes the next contestant

Imagine you not only hit on Chad Kroeger’s stripper girlfriend, but ALSO said Nickelback sucks? He would literally murder you!

 

I even fear the ladies
They’re cool but twice as crazy
Just as bad for coming on to her
Don’t they know it’s never going to work
Each time she bats an eyelash
Somebody’s grabbing her ass
Everyone keeps coming on to her
This time somebody’s getting hurt

Here comes the next contestant

He seems to have an unhealthy obsession with this stripper. You know they say that date rape most often occurs when alcohol is involved. I believe date rape most often occurs when Chad Kroeger’s involved.

And finally…

 

I’m hating what she’s wearing
Everybody here keeps staring
Can’t wait ’til they get what they deserve
This time somebody’s getting hurt

You hate what she’s wearing Chad Kroeger? Don’t worry soon she’ll be wearing nothing, as strippers are known to do, and if I was there I’d make sure you saw me tongue pass a twenty dollar bill to her before buying her a shot.

 

Tom Waits, why don’t you show Chad Kroeger how to warm up the ladies, AND take rejection in a mature sensible manner.

 

 

John Michael Gagnon…You lose some, you win some…Johnny Red

And Now a Message From Doctor Steel!

Wowsers! I gotta get me Nurse Division!

Yes, and also Robots!

 

There is no John Michael Gagnon, there is only Johnny Red

ANOTHER 5 Ways to Make My Job Managing a Grocery Store Easier

Memorial Day weekend is finally here and I get to enjoy three days off from my job as a mild mannered grocery store manager. Believe me I’m gonna do my best to enjoy them, barring a few obstructions and insane weather patterns. With three days off you might be thinking that I’m gonna miss out on working in the grocery store during this holiday weekend? Well think again! In fact:

 

 

5. Please Come Prepared for Your Shopping Experience

 

Now when I go shopping, whether it’s at the grocery store, Wal-Mart, the mall, a bookstore, or occasionally the pornographic/sex toy shop, I go prepared. I know what I want, how much I can spend, and am fully capable of understanding and operating the debit card reader. But it seems for some people this is a monumental task of such difficulty that it makes my job that much harder.

First there are the people that fill their shopping cart, get to the cash register, have all their items scanned, and then realize they have no money. Perhaps they left their wallet at home, or didn’t take into consideration how much money they actually have in their savings or checking accounts.

 

With pants that tight, how could you NOT know you had no money??

 

And the problem isn’t that you have no money. We’ve all been there. In fact as I type this I literally have a $1.04 in my bank account. The problem is somebody has to put all those groceries back that you aren’t buying. Yeah, they don’t grow legs and walk themselves back to the shelves. So it’s usually my job to wander around the store with a giant grocery cart, performing some weird time reverse act, restocking the store.

Also very annoying are the people that come shopping and buy anywhere from $100-300 worth of groceries and don’t realize how much they are actually buying. At our family friendly grocery store we still carry your groceries out to your vehicles for you. I know there aren’t many stores left like that. Sometimes I wish we didn’t do this, because inevitably I end up taking out a huge grocery order only to find myself staring into a Ford Focus hatchback, about three car seats, fishing equipment, buckets, and what appears to be a small scrap metal yard. This is where the customer says, “Just find a spot for it, oh and don’t crush the eggs or bread.”

 

You realize Sir, we are open seven days a week.

 

The Elderly + Debit Cards + Debit Card Reader = Frustration to the point I want to let Johnny Red out for a rare public appearance

That’s right I’m going after the elderly again. I’m sorry, but who’s taking care of them? I know they fear technology and any manner of advancement in our culture, but somebody, a son or daughter, perhaps a grandchild, a social worker maybe, SOMEBODY teach them how to use the debit card reader!

 

I've been handing these out to anyone who appears 60 or older. Practice at home before you come back into my store.

 

Then there are the elderly who believe that it’s easier to pay with cash. You might agree with that, but of course this causes even more problems. You see the elderly don’t like to carry paper money. They love to pull out that pocket change purse and proceed to count out every penny, nickel, and dime they have. And every now and then there is this:

 

The total is $87.50? Ok, I'll start with my 80 rolls of pennies.

 

4. Please Put Items Back Where They Belong, and Don’t Make a Mess of the Store

 

Every few hours or so while I manage the store, I do a little thing called a store walk. The reason I have to do a store walk is because people are naturally lazy and won’t return items to where they belong if they decide they don’t want to purchase them. I have to say that some customers can be very creative, because I keep finding more and more creative and original areas items have been placed. In fact for three straight days I found frozen corn packages mixed in with our fresh corn in our produce department.

Sometimes I’ll catch a customer placing an item in the wrong spot. This is how the conversation usually goes.

“Excuse me Sir, but the quarts of ice cream belong in the freezer section, not thrown in the magazine rack.”

“So you expect ME to put it back where it belongs?”

“Yes, if you could.”

“But that’s why they PAY you, right? Ha, ha, ha!”

“……….”

 

15 minutes later:

 

You're right Sir, your car doesn't belong in the bottom of a pool. But that's why you pay for insurance, right? Ha...ha...ha.

 

Also lumped into this category are the customers that feel it’s ok to make a mess of the store and just leave it that way for me to clean up. How hard is it not to destroy our store while shopping? You don’t see me going into a funeral parlor and start tossing urns around do you?

 

Yeah, um Sir I think you dropped something.

 

Sometimes I’m completely convinced that they wreck havoc in the store for the sole purpose of their own amusment.

 

Don't! I'm warning you! Do NOT do it!!!

 

 

3. We Close at 9 P.M.

 

Well I’d like to say we close at 9 p.m., but inevitably every night when the work day is winding down and I’m preparing to close up shop I have to deal with this.

 

"I just need one item!", "Yeah me too!", "Just one item I swear!"

 

Have you no consideration?! I understand if you are someone who works late in the day and have no choice but to shop at night, but there are many customers who will flat out tell me they only come shopping when the store is closing because it’s more convienent for them. Yeah, convienent for YOU perhaps. This behavior causes all sorts of problems. You see towards the end of the night all our departments are closed, except Deli of course. I once had a guy come into the store at about ten minutes before closing and demand, not ask, but demand I cut him 12 steaks. I’m not a meat cutter, and not trained in the meat department to cut meat. What did he expect me to do? Just randomly grab hunks of meat and hack away at them?

Also at night we are usually down to one cashier which leads to this problem.

 

"It would be great if they would open up an extra cash."

 

I vividly remember Christmas Eve night when we were allowed to close the store at 7 p.m. so that myself and the employees could get home to spend time with their family and friends. Well guess what happened? I locked the IN doors and left the OUT doors open so that once we finished closing up we could get out. Well those savages, after pulling on the IN doors with no success, began pulling open the OUT doors, making their way in, and grabbing shopping carts!! We were stuck working for much longer than planned, because apparently I’m not allowed to kick people out of the store.

 Well, my Team of Scientists and I have been working on a solution to this problem. Hopefully I’ll be able to implement it very soon.

 

Looks good so far, but can we make room for the cauldrons of hot oil just in case any of them make it in?

 

 

2. A Winter Storm Doesn’t Mean it’s the End of Civilization as We Know it

 

This entry ranks  pretty high because of a few reasons. First I have to explain this phenomena to those who have never worked in a grocery store right before, or during a snow storm. MASS HYSTERIA! That’s the only way I can explain it. Once a snow storm is announced for our area, people begin flooding into the store as if they are never gonna see food again! It’s not like our snow storms are so bad that we will be trapped in our homes for months on end. I mean what year do people think we live in?

 

Alright everyone, winter's a coming. Time head on down to the ol' grocery mart.

 

I just don’t understand it. I have to drive almost an hour round trip to work everyday even if there is a snow storm. Most customers live within a mile of the grocery store, but will still come into the store and fill their shopping carts as if their feeding an entire battalion of soldiers for a year. This adds more work and stress to my job. What is it that’s so scary about snow?

 

We don't live on Hoth!

 

And here’s the kicker, ooooh this makes me so mad, but the same customers who just a couple days before bought more groceries than I can eat in a year, COME BACK IN AFTER THE STORM AND BUY MORE FOOD!! That’s right the same customers will stroll back in and fill their carts the next day after a storm. ??? Where did all that original food go?! Did they stay at home that ONE day they were afraid to leave the house and just EAT all of it?!

 

I'm not overeating, I'm preparing myself for hibernation.

 

1. I Don’t Speak French, Deal With It!

 

“Blah, blah, blah, baguette, blah, blah, blah, ployes, blah, blah, blah, gibberish?”

“I’m sorry M’am but I don’t speak french.”

“What?! You don’t speak french? But you live in the Valley?”

“I know but if you speak english to me I can help you find what item you are looking for.”

“I shouldn’t have to speak english, now find me someone who can speak french!”

Actual conversation I had with an old french lady in the grocery store. I’ve had many similar conversations as well while managing a grocery store in Northern Maine. Look I know you are proud of your Acadian heritage, but enough is enough. Not only is this attitude ignorant it’s actually…prejudice.

I tried to learn french when I was in school, but ended up being kicked out of every french class I ever had. In fact in High School I dropped out of french class to take woodshop.

 

Acadia, here I come!

 

I know what you are asking yourselves? Isn’t your last name Gagnon? Isn’t that french? Yes, my last name is a french name, but that’s where the french ends. I love and respect my father more than he will probably ever know, and I’m proud to carry his last name. But, unfortunately I wasn’t that close to my french side of the family.

Now I would never have shown any spite, or anger towards the french population in Northern Maine if THEY hadn’t made me feel somehow inferior, and lower class. 

I’m sorry but I wasn’t raised this way:

 

 

 

I was raised this way:

 

 

But all day and night I have these old uppity french ladies assuming I’m gonna speak french to them. You would think they would be polite enough to ask whether I spoke french or not. When I go to Canada I always ask anyone I speak with if they speak English, and NEVER do I get angry or insult a Canadian if they don’t. And that’s the real problem isn’t it? The french here in Northern Maine don’t seem to realize that we still live in America. And last I checked English is the national language is it not?

Now people who really know me will clearly tell you I am not a super patriot. In fact many blogs will be coming on the problems with America. But everytime one of those old french ladies adds more stress to my job managing a grocery store, by assuming I’m going to learn a second language for THEIR convience it makes me feel like this.

 

 

"Hey ladies! What do you say we grab a SUV, hit every fast food drive thru we can find, wave a flag or two, do a couple keg stands, and launch a patriot missle at the Eiffel Tower?"

 

Alright I think I’ve calmed myself down enough to at least mention one of the perks of managing a grocery store.

Bonus Content: They Let Me Use a Forklift!!

 

We had a two for one sale on rockets that week.

 

John Michael Gagnon  AKA  Johnny Red

Tom Waits Would Fuck You Up!: Metallica

Metallica, Metallica, Metallica. Where to begin.

Well…

 

Metallica is being inducted into the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame. Personally, I don’t know if they deserve it. Yes they have been a huge success in the past and have sold millions of records, but I’m of the mindset that quantity, doesn’t always, in fact rarely, equals quality.  

Now before I go into my rant, I have to say a few things. I used to love Metallica. They are very talented. As musicians they have done some pretty amazing stuff in their time. I can’t criticize them for that. The best I’ve ever been able to do musically is carry a tune on a blues harp. In fact I remember being laughed out of the school Band. But don’t worry, I took care of them good!

 

Who's first chair now, mother fuckers!!

 

Oh, and I know that I’m suppose to tear bands apart by making fun of their lyrics. Well, this is only my second blog under this category and I’m already amending the rules. Deal with it.

Now I need everyone reading this to understand that when I really get into a band, buy all their albums, and believe their awesomeness could rival the power of Gods, then I like to research as much as I can about them. No, I’m not a paparazzi stalker type, but I like to read up on their influences, history as a band, what motivates them, etc. It’s important for me to do this. Who they are as people are as important to me as the music. And that’s why it breaks my heart to have to call Metallica out on their douchebag behavior.

Really? Pose all you want I don't think you're scary.

 

Ok, we’re gonna start with the most talked about, and obvious Douchebag moment Metallica has done. They sued their own fucking fans!!! You see back in the year 2000 a little music sharing program called Napster had hit it big. Free music to download and share. It was great. Until I did something that raised a demon in Metallica drummer Lars Ulrich and he got me banned from Napster. Yep I was one of the guys who got kicked off of Napster. I downloaded a song to my computer from a Metallica album that I had…ALREADY FUCKING BOUGHT A CASSETTE OF!  That’s right, I bought a cassette of Metallica for the tape deck in my truck, and rather than buy the same album again on CD I figured why not just download the album and burn it. I had the right didn’t I? They already got their money from me once. Well apparently they didn’t think so and neither did the staff at Napster who told me in an e-mail that their hands were tied on the issue. Well guess what Metallica? I haven’t bought an album of your since, and I’m sure many former fans haven’t either.

Lars Ulrich went so far as to make this promotional video to explain how Metallica is badass and awesome for their decision to sue Napster and their fans. I dare you to try and not give yourself a self-labotomy as you watch Lars “fake” cool, and Marlon Wayons provide his “genius” comedic stylings.

Lars doesn’t like it when you “share”. “Sharing” is ruining his career and he is now forced to whore himself out to make up for all the money we’ve apparently stolen from him. But boy I remember a time when Metallica was just getting big, and people were generating a buzz about them. Oh! You know how they got so popular back in the early eighties? BY FANS SHARING AND CIRCULATING THEIR MIX TAPES!! That’s right they wouldn’t have even made a blip on the radar if dedicated fans hadn’t copied and shared their music. I hope you always remember that it was the fans that made you Metallica.

Kiss my ass, you little hobbit of a man.

 

“It’s already all over Napster. Go check it out. I don’t hate Napster, in fact I think that it’s good that we have four songs that are on there right now.”-Dave Mustaine of Megadeth commenting on file sharing.

Speaking of Dave Mustaine, let’s talk about Metallica’s treatment of their former band members. Dave Mustaine of Megadeth, my favorite metal band ever, was a founding member of Metallica but was kicked out before they even released their first album. He was booted out of the band because he drank too much. Really? The self-promoted “heaviest and most badass metal band ever” had to kick Mustaine out because he drank too much? That doesn’t sound too badass Metallica. But it’s all good because Mustaine created Metallica’s rival in Megadeth. The two bands were neck and neck throughout the 80′s and early 90′s until Metallica took the lead by becoming corporate rock whores.

Megadeth: The cure to your Metallica

 

I felt Dave Mustaine did an amazing thing once he was booted out of  Metallica. He sobered up enough to create one of the greatest metal bands in history, and always seemed to be somewhat respectful of Metallica, although I’m sure there were times he was angry about it. I wonder how Metallica handled their former friend/founder/bandmate’s success? Well let’s see how James Hetfield reacts to hearing Megadeth’s first major hit “Symphony of Destruction.”

 

 

You’re damn right James, Dave Mustaine is a great song writer. So much in fact that I believe Mustaine is responsible for Metallica’s first few albums being as badass and heavy as they were. You see Dave Mustaine wrote a lot of the lyrics and music in those first albums Metallica released. It’s true you can even check the credits on the albums. Which leads to my theory that after all of Dave Mustaine’s “contributions” to Metallica, that they just ran out of quality music. Maybe that’s why after Metallica’s black album, everything seemed to go downhill.

Long story short, it took almost 20 years before Dave Mustaine got a chance to speak his mind to the members of Metallica. In the Metallica documentary Some Kind of Monster, which I recommend you watch if you want to see how to systematically dismantle a band, Lars and Dave sat down for a chat. James Hetfield was also supposed  to be there as well, but for some reason didn’t show up. I know the clip is a little long but trust me it’s worth it to watch Lars STILL try to make everything about himself.

 

 

Dave, don’t feel bad about being number two to Metallica. You’re not in my eyes. Besides being number one doesn’t mean you’re the best. George W. Bush was once the most powerful man in the world, but fuck that guy. I also really want Dave Mustaine to understand that he has done great things and as the master of the “Spider Chord” I believe he’s surpassed Metallica. In fact Megadeth has remained consistent in their sound to this day.

Now a little test. Metallica released the album St. Anger after they finished filming that documentary. The album was bashed by critics and fans. About a year later Megadeth released The System Has Failed. The following are two samples from each album. If you have the time listen to both tracks and tell me which album is keeping to the roots of what metal music is, and which album sounds better produced.

 

 

Another interesting event that took place while filming Some kind of Monster, was the sudden departure of long time Metallica bassist Jason Newsted. From the stories circulating it had a lot to do with Metallica not doing true metal anymore, to being angry that the band had to hire a therapist to help them record their album, to James Hetfield telling him he couldn’t work on his side project EchoBrain while still playing with Metallica, etc.

Jason Newsted quit the band and called them a bunch of homos. He really did.

"Homos!" He's pointing at Metallica.

 

Now let’s see Lars Ulrich ham it up in front of the camera when asked about why Jason Newsted left the band. There is something about Lars that just reeks fake.

 

 

“When did we turn into the bad guys?” Well Lars it might have to do with bullshit like this.

Nope...still not scaring me Lars.

 

Or this…

 

James Hetfield and Metal Music: You're doing it wrong.

 

Well that’s about enough ranting and raving for one night. Hey, Tom Waits! Are you ready to send these guys out to pasture? What? You’re gonna let Megadeth fuck them up this week? Alright you’re the boss Tom. Dave Mustaine, why don’t you Spider Chord their sell out, washed up, fan insulting, disrespectful asses!

 

John Michael Gagnon…”Life’s fabric is corrupt. Shot through with corroded thread”…Johnny Red

Tom Waits Would Fuck You Up!: Jon Bon Jovi

Decided to start a new blog category today. Why, you ask? Because I had to listen to Bon Jovi’s, “Have a Nice Day”, about four times on our “family sensitive” radio station at work today, that’s why. So let me explain the rules to this new blog category.

Rule #1 I pick one artist/band

Rule #2 I pick one song by said artist/band

Rule #3 I use said artist/band’s lyrics from the one song to rip them a new one

See it’s simple. Now let’s begin. Oh and to note, Tom Waits is my favorite musical artist of all time, hence the title of this blog.

 

For over 25 years Bon Jovi has been infecting us with the blandest, most mediocore brand of Rock music the world has ever listened to.  I admit that back when I was in grade school I used to listen to Bon Jovi. But that was when I was very young and my brain hadn’t developed the rational thought of an adult. Also back then the music was actually new, and NOT the same old rehashed song with a slightly altered beat, and familar tossed around lyrics.

Bon Jovi’s, “Have a Nice Day”, offends me on many levels, but most of all it’s the lyrics. They remind me of something you might read in a 14 year old girl’s diary. And come to think of it, almost all of Jon Bon Jovi’s lyrics sound this way. For someone pushing 50, he sure does have a lot of teen angst kicking around. And not the cool, rebellious type angst either. Before I get into the lyric dismantling with photo fun, I’m gonna go into a tirade on the opening lyric.

“Why, you wanna tell me how to live my life?”

Who? Who Jon Bon Jovi is telling you how to live your life?! Are you being oppressed in some way? Is “the man” holding you down? Because when I think of people who live on the edge, and constantly have the fingers of society pointing  at them, I don’t think of you Jon Bon Jovi! What controversial lifestyle are you living nowadays? Who are you possibly offending? Boy it must suck being a boring has-been, married, with the big house, always playing it safe, kissing your record label’s ass to make sure you can still tour and make albums to keep up with your lavish lifestyle!

It's obvious his inner turmoils are torturing him.

 

You are not a rebel Jon Bon Jovi.

Ok, that’s out of my system. Well let’s get to the fun stuff. After reading the lyrics to, “Have a Nice Day”, it became apparent that Jon Bon Jovi has put very little thought into the lyrics. Luckily, for your entertainment…I DID!

 

"My daddy lived the lie, it's just the price that he paid."

You’re daddy may have lived the lie, but it appears the apple doesn’t fall far from the tree Jon Bon Jovi. I think YOU may be living a lie as well, if you know what I mean.

 

"I ain't gonna do what I don't want to."

That, Mr. Jovi, is a double negative. Also I want to kick your face.

 

"Standing on the ledge, I show the wind how to fly."

That doesn’t make any sense. But by all means if you are on a ledge then go ahead and jump. Another thing, can you possibly be any whiter?

 

"I've knocked on every door, on every dead end street."

“Honey!  Jon Bon Jovi is naked on our property again!”

“Son of a bitch! Call the cops…again!”

 

"When the world gets in my face, I say, Have a Nice Day!"

Oooooooo shiiiiiit! Damn! You just got served by Jon Bon Jovi!!

Seriously? That’s your “slam” to the world? Have a nice day? Give it up Jon Bon Jovi. You’re done. It’s over. I hope you enjoy the stagnant career you’ve created for yourself.

In the meantime…

 

Tom Waits, do what you do best!

 

John Michael Gagnon aka Johnny Red