Johnny Red and His Team of Scientists VS The Super Humans!!

Have you ever dreamed of being a Super Hero? Don’t lie, you have. Well it appears evolution may help that dream come true. Today I present to you a look into three actual human beings who have been granted what are being called super abilities. They live. They are real. And if they so choose, could don a mask and cape and beat justice into the foul corruption we call reality!

Also of note, I will be writing this blog in a comic book style. Why? Well because it’s fitting for the subject matter, and also…I miss it.

 

 

 

Johnny Red’s Secret Laboratory

Johnny Red and His Team of Scientists are feverishly working on getting the Neo-Genetic Recombinator working again:

 

Johnny Red:     Damnit! Why haven’t you guys got this thing working yet?!

Scientist #3:     Sir, we’ve tried everything!

Johnny Red:     Nonsense!

Scientist #2:     If I may suggest a theory?

Johnny Red:     This better not be the, “Kick it until it starts up”, theory again! For fuck’s sake you even made up schematics!

Scientist #2:     Not at all Sir. Since the machine is of advanced technology, clearly from an advanced culture, then perhaps our mere human genetic code is incompatible? 

Johnny Red:     I should lock you in the Yeti cage for calling me “mere human”, but you have a sound theory. Team of Scientists assemble! We must seek out The Super Humans!

 

Suddenly!

 

 

Johnny Red:     *Sigh* Scientist #4, have you been mentioning the whereabouts of our Secret Lab on your blog again?

Scientist #4:      It’s really just a journal.

Johnny Red:     ………..FOR THE WHOLE INTERNET TO READ!! Ah, forget it! Go answer the door.

 

Scientist #4 opens the door and in walks a professional looking young woman. Blonde hair, glasses, business attire, and a large clipboard in her hand:

 

Unknown Woman:     Excuse me, but are you Johnny Red?

Johnny Red:     Possibly…why?

Unknown Woman:     My name is Ange, Dr. Ange. I’ve been sent here by the C.I.A. to monitor your activities.

Johnny Red:     I know of no such organization?

Dr. Ange:     Are you serious?

Johnny Red:     Possibly…why?

 

For secret Government reasons, Dr. Ange would not allow herself to be photographed. Instead I'll use a series of pics I found on the net to display her in this blog. Can you guess what she feels right now? If you guessed Anger, you win the prize.

 

Dr. Ange:     You should be taking this more seriously, Johnny Red! I have here a list of, what I would call crimes against humanity, that’s a mile long!

Johnny Red:     Poppycock!

Dr. Ange:     Oh, so you didn’t destroy the tourist attraction Coral Castle in Florida to acquire an electromagnetic perpetual motion machine??

Johnny Red:     Prove it!

Dr. Ange:     And I suppose it wasn’t you who left a home made submarine on the bottom of the ocean floor? You know that thing is leaking chemicals that we can’t even identify?

Johnny Red:     Hehe, neither could we.

Dr. Ange:     Officials in Tokyo, Japan are seeking extradition rights to bring you back there!

Johnny Red:     The Japanese?! And you think I’m crazy?!

Dr. Ange:     AND do I even have to mention how you released giant robots to fight off the Zombie threat?!

Johnny Red:     Hey! I saved your asses that day!

Dr. Ange:     You destroyed ten city blocks!!!

Johnny Red:     Awww, crying over spilled milk?

Dr. Ange:     Ok, if you’re not going to be the mature one then I will. Yes, you did save us from the Zombie threat, and for that your past crimes are being overlooked. BUT, I will be following you and monitoring your actions from here on out.

Johnny Red:     Fine! Hey, Team of Scientists, how do you feel about that?

 

They look...thrilled.

 

Johnny Red:     Well Dr. Ange I hope you brought your passport, because we’re off to find The Super Humans. First stop, Germany!

 

Somewhere in Germany

 

Johnny Red:      Ok, according to my research this Super Human, or Super Boy I should say, was born with twice the muscle mass and half the body fat of a regular infant. Wow! At four years old he was able to hold two seven pound weights at arms length. Some adults can’t even do that! Here’s a picture from my research files.

 

He could probably field kick for the Patriots.

 

Dr. Ange:     So what are you planning to do here?

Johnny Red:     I have to get a blood sample. It’s reported that his muscle mass and strength are a mutation at a genetic level. Scientist #2, go into his bedroom and get the sample.

Scientist #2 quietly opens the toddler’s bedroom door.

 

Don't make him angry. I don't think we would like him when he's angry.

 

Scientist #2 succeeds in getting the blood sample, but things get bad from there.

Johnny Red:     God on a blow pop! You made him angry!

Dr. Ange:     Don’t just stand there! Help him!

Johnny Red:     He’s a goner!

 

Fuck this is scary!!

 

Leaving Scientist #2 to be ripped limb from limb, Johnny Red, Dr. Ange, and the rest of the Team of Scientists manage to escape and head to their next destination.

 

Johnny Red:     What’s that you’re doing? What are you writing on that clipboard?

Dr. Ange:     I’m making note of how expendable you feel your Team of Scientists are.

Johnny Red:     They knew the risks when they signed up!

Dr. Ange:     Oh, and by the way, where do you manage to find these Scientists?

Johnny Red:     Ebay, under Cold War Era Scientists. They come cheap.

Dr. Ange:     …….

 

Semashko State Stomatological University, Moscow

 

Dr. Ange:     So why have we come to Moscow?

Johnny Red:     When I was in Tokyo I spoke with a man named Yoshio Machi. He claimed to have conducted tests on a woman named Natasha Demkina, or better known as “The Girl with X-Ray Vision.”

Dr. Ange:     X-Ray Vision?

Johnny Red:     Well that’s become a nickname of sorts. Natasha Demkina claims she can see inside the human body and diagnose health problems merely by using her regular sight. Scientists around the world have yet to disprove her on this. The closest anyone has ever come was a group of skeptics in the U.S. who rigged the tests. She still managed to diagnose four out of seven subjects.

 

Here we see Natasha diagnosing a group of people. "And you have cancer, and you have cancer, and you have cancer, and..."

 

Johnny Red:     Um…excuse me Natasha?

Natasha Demkina:     Yes.

Johnny Red:     I just wanted to say it’s a pleasure to meet you and–NOW SCIENTIST #3! GET THE SAMPLE!

Natasha Demkina:     OW! What the hell?!

 

Yep, that's the look Dr. Ange made.

 

Once again Johnny Red and His Team of Scientists make a daring escape!

 

A cave in the mountains of India

 

Johnny Red:     Dr. Ange, let me introduce you to Prahlad Jani. Prahlad Jani claims to have not eaten, drunk any liquids, or used the bathroom for over 68 years.

Dr. Ange:     68 years! That’s impossible.

Johnny Red:     Well, get your clipboard ready and he’ll explain it himself.

 

 

Prahlad Jani:     I have not needed food, or drink, or need to use the bathroom for over 68 years due to a small hole above my palate that drips a divine elixer that sustains me.

Johnny Red:     Ok, divine mumbo jumbo aside, what he is actually saying is he’s evolved to no longer need food since the liquid that drips from his palate provides him all the nourishment he needs.

Dr. Ange:     I still find this hard to believe.

Johnny Red:     So did a group of Scientists in India, that is until they tested him. He was keep under 24 hour surveillance for over 10 days. Not once did he eat food, drink liquids, or use the bathroom. They gave him regular tests to see if his body was deteriorating in any way. Guess what? It didn’t! In fact the only thing that happened was a small build up of urine appeared, but then his bladder walls absorbed the urine back into his system. To this day no one can disprove his claims.

Dr. Ange:     So is this the part where you stab him with a needle and run away?

Johnny Red:     Or course not. Prahlad Jani welcomes any studying to be done on his condition. What am I? Some kind of monster?

 

Dr. Ange is feeling it.

 

 

Dr. Ange:     So where to now?

Johnny Red:     Back to my not-so Secret Lab to see if the Neo-Genetic Recombinator will work given these Super Human blood samples.

 

Back at Johnny Red’s not-so Secret Lab

 

Johnny Red:      Alright, I’ll just feed these samples through the machine and…

 

The Neo-Genetic Recombinator sputters, lights begin to flash, and then the machine roars to life!

 

Johnny Red:     It works!! Scientist #2′s theory was correct! Too bad he didn’t live see it!

Dr. Ange:     AND that’s the real reason I’m here!!

Johnny Red:     Wha???

 

Johnny Red and his Team of Scientists have just enough time to turn around to find themselves face to face with a gun toting Dr. Ange!!!

 

OMGWTFBBQ!!

 

Dr. Ange:     You see Johnny Red, I’m not really with the C.I.A. The real reason I’ve tracked you down was because one of your so-called “expendable” scientists was my twin sister!

Johnny Red:     Holy crap this is intense!

Dr. Ange:     And now that you have unlocked the secrets of the Neo-Genetic Recombinator I’ll use it’s power to grow stronger and ultimately defeat you!! My sister will have her revenge!

 

Dr. Ange makes her way over to the Neo-Genetic Recombinator and enters the machine. A blinding light engulfs the room and then…she steps out.

 

 

Shitburgers! I'm in trouble!

 

 

Johnny Red:     Dr. Ange! Let’s not do anything stupid here! Maybe we can work this out!

Dr. Ange:     Dr. Ange? No…no more Dr. Ange. With super strength, x-ray vision, and the ability to sustain myself without food or drink I am now…DR. STR-ANGE!!!

Johnny Red:     Marvel comics will never let you get away with that!

Dr. Str-Ange:     Shut up!  Now to destroy the Neo-Genetic Recombinator so you can never use it!

 

NOOOO!! My beautiful machine!!

 

Johnny Red:     Alright, Dr. Str-Ange you’ve got me. Do your worst!

Dr. Str-Ange:     Oh no, Johnny Red. Today you live. Because knowing that there is someone like me out there, someone who can outsmart you, someone who can defeat any of you and your Team of Scientists creations, is a much worse fate than death. Bwhahahaha!

 

Dr. Str-Ange then proceeds to knock a hole in the wall and is off to who knows where.

 

Johnny Red:     You know the front door was open!

Scientist #3:     What are we going to do Sir?

Johnny Red:     I think I like the idea of having a rival. Besides we still have the schematics for the Neo-Genetic Recombinator. We can rebuild it. Also, there were a few other Super Humans we didn’t visit…yet.  Bwhahahaha!!!

 

Bonus Content: Michel Lotito

 

A genetic mutation has given this man a stomach lining much thicker than any other human. Over the course of two years, he ate an entire fucking plane!!

 

 

John Michael Gagnon…KAPOW!…Johnny Red

Top 5 Ways The Future Will Be Amazing…Maybe

“Where’s my flying car? Where is my freaking flying car?!” Isn’t that the age old question? Well, maybe not the age old question, but definitely since the last half of the last century. You see when Science Fiction became so popular around the world, people started asking this question. Another question was, “Where’s my Jetpack?” In fact a book was even written about it, and other technological marvels that we haven’t yet acquired.

 

Perhaps I should have read it before I began writing this blog. Oh well.

 

Other promises made were teleportation, living on the moon or other planets, robotic servants…wait a minute. Promises? I don’t think we were really ever promised anything were we? I think we as a species love to fantasize or speculate on how our world would be better if these technologies were available. But if you think of it more deeply it seems last century’s generation really just wanted to be a bunch of lazy fucks. Jetpacks so you don’t have to walk anywhere. Teleportation devices so you REALLY don’t have to walk anywhere. Robotic servants to do your cleaning and work.

 

Why didn't the older generations get any of the cool shit? Because they were too lazy to create them.

 

But we’re not talking about your grandparent’s past and their future disappointments! We’re talking about our present generation and our future possibilities. Granted we still haven’t succeeded in the past’s future technologies. This list isn’t about the past hopes, but our present achievments that can make our future. And I think I may have just created a time/space paradox within this paragraph.

Today I bring to you the top 5 ways the future will be amazing…maybe.

 

5.  Free Energy

Now when I’m talking about free energy, I’m not speaking of solar or wind power. We already have those up and running at fairly good success. I’m talking about energy that comes from virtually nowhere. The best example is the idea of a perpetual motion machine that can create more energy than is consumed to run the machine.  I know what you’re saying. Perpetual motion machines violate the laws of conservation of energy, and also the second law of thermodynamics. That is what you were saying, right? But imagine if it was possible! Well Irish IT company Steorn has claimed  just that.

 

Sean McCarthy, CEO of Steorn with what he claims to be a perpetual motion machine.

 

Steorn claims that the machine uses magnets to harness the natural energy of the earth to create an energy output greater than the energy used. That sounds about right. Oh, but  there is a problem. Under independent tests the machine just flat out doesn’t work. Steorn claim the machine can work, but have yet to patent the device. Sounds fishy to me. BUT I am not against the theory of magnets being used to harness the planets natural electromagnetic field to help with work output. In fact:

There is No Such Thing as Fiction: The Mystery of Coral Castle

What confuses me is that Steorn, an Irish company, doesn’t realize that the Irish themselves are perpetual motion machines!

 

Being Irish myself, I can attest to the fact that the amount of work output by any one of us shouldn't be possible.

 

So maybe we are too far away from actually creating free energy. Perhaps it’s not even possible.  Although I’m sure there was once a time when somebody said, “One day we will fly through the sky in a giant metal bird, that will carry hundreds of us across the sea!”, before they were promptly labotomized and left to rot in a cell.

 

4. Bionic Upgrades

Now we’re getting into the good stuff! Have you ever thought how cool it would be to take pictures with your own eyes? Not only pictures but perhaps be able to record your entire life as you see it and later download it onto your computer? You haven’t? Well I have! That sounds like some crazy science fiction shit, but you know what? IT’S ALREADY HERE! Well it is for this guy.

 

Rob Spence with led eye, NOT the Terminator.

 

Maybe I’m getting a little ahead of myself here. What Spence and his team have done was manage to fit an electronic device, complete with power source, into his eye socket as a replacement to the prosthetic eye he has used since childhood. Their next step is to create a prosthetic eye complete with a wireless video camera to document his life from his point of view. This next step seems almost certain.

But why stop there? What about people who are blind? Could bionic eye technology help them regain their sight? It already has.

A man who has been blind for 30 years has taken part in an experimental procedure at a London hospital to artificially restore his vision–with a bionic eye. Ron, who has not revealed his surname, says he is now able to see the difference between white, grey and black socks, and follow white road markings.

 

Ok, now follow me on this. If a bionic eye can replace your original eyes by feeding a signal directly to your brain, then where would it end? Imagine if you could zoom in your own vision, or display data from your point of view, maybe even use infared or a night vision lens? You would literally be a cyborg!

 

Hahaha! There's no hiding from me now!

 

I salut those daring enough to take the next step in either sight restoration, or having vision, no pun intended, enough to make due with their unfortunate situation. It’s inspiring enough to make me want to grab a fork out of the utensils drawer and go to town. But unfortunately my broke ass can’t afford health insurance, or a prosthetic eye, let alone a bionic one. I’d end up like this guy.

 

Yarrrrrrrrn!!!

 

3. At Home Bio-Hacking

 

Yes, that literally is what it sounds like. Amature scientists have been popping up all over the country and have begun performing their own bio experiments, without the restraint of government, without regard to the so-called ethical code, and mostly without a degree in education. I’m all for it.

Another name for biohacking is DIYBio, which means do it yourself bio engineering, duh. The amature bio-engineers claim to be doing this as a way to discover cures for diseases, like cancer, that they feel the government is purposely preventing from surfacing. Of course I tend to believe this as well since there is immense profit for pharmaceutical companies, as well as health insurance companies, as well as doctors, as well as scientists, as well as pretty much anyone making money off our illnesses.

 

See, they don't even try to hide it anymore.

 

Now we’re not talking about those cheesy at home chemistry sets we had as a kid. We’re talking full blown biological experimentation, or genetic manipulation done from your own basement or garage. Here’s a description:

This open, free synthetic biology kit contains all sorts of information from across the web on how to do it: how to extract and amplify DNA, cloning techniques, making DNA by what’s known as oligonucleotides, and all sorts of other tutorials and documents on techniques in genetic engineering, tissue engineering, synbio (synthetic biology), stem cell research, SCNT, evolutionary engineering, bioinformatics, etc.

 

Soooo, we may have in our possesion the possibility, I’ve researched it, the ability to reboot our own skin cells to become stem cells and literally grow new organs to replace ones we currently have. They would also be completely compatible. We can, with enough dedication and patience, grow replacement organs at home, throw them in a cooler with ice, bring them to the hospital and have them replaced. Sort of like going to a mechanic. I wonder who would be against this?

Oh yeah, Fox News jumped all over this.

 

 

Well Fox News, I’ve already downloaded my own DIYBio kit. If you want to label me a bioterrorist, then trust me in that I will bring it to your doorstep.

 

Ah ha! Never underestimate my loyal army of giant Lions!

 

 

2. Finally Unlocking the Secrets of Space

 

Yeah, that’s a lot to cover in one entry of a Top 5 blog post. Luckily I have my friend here to help me. Let me introduce you to The Large Hadron Collider.

 

It's like a giant metal spider of potential cataclysm

 

You may of heard of the Large Hadron Collider in the news the last year or so. The reason? Well the purpose of this machine, 17 miles in diameter to be specific, is to attempt to recreate the Big Bang. Not just once mind you, but several thousand times, AT ONCE! What the scientists and engineers who built this machine want to do is try to discover the hypothesized Higgs Boson which is the last unobserved particle predicted by the Standard Model. So to do that they will try to recreate another hypothesized event in the the Big Bang.

 

The Big Bang Theory: In the beginning there was nothing...and then it exploded.

 

Everyone who reads my blog understands that I love scientific discovery. I believe that truth is most definitely stranger than fiction, but what we have here is tad disturbing. Well I shouldn’t worry because these people obviously know what they are doing right?

“We don’t know what’s going to happen.”

Actual quote from Abraham Seiden, Professor of Physics, and potential doom bringer working on the Large Hadron Collider. Now don’t write me off as some paranoid nutcase, after all I’m not the one with literally the entire world, and possibly the Universe in my hands. Because the truth is they don’t know. I like the potential data that can be attained if there is ever a succesful run. But you see it seems the Large Hadron Collider always breaks down. It’s currently being worked on and should be up and functioning for another test run this September.

 

How many times can you attempt to divide by zero, before you actually do it?

 

 

1. A Complete and Utter Dystopia

 

Surprised? Well you shouldn’t be. It’s getting late and Johnny Red is beginning to stir. Behold the future I hope comes about!

 

Ooooh! Think of the fun we could have!!

 

Really, seriously think about it, why would anyone want to live in a Utopia? A perfect world, a sterile, clean, life of mediocrity? Screw that noise! I want excitement and danger at my every turn. I want to KNOW that I could die in any number of ways at any given second!

I want Gas Masks to be all the rage!

 

I want that! I want to have to wear that!

 

I want robot uprisings!

 

 

And I'm just on my way to work!!

 

I want to fight off radioactive mutant sewer dwellers!

 

This C.H.U.D.'s for you!!

 

I want to race through the post-apocalyptic wastelands in the Last of the V8 Interceptors as I battle for a tank of juice!

 

Oh no! That latently homo-erotic biker is on my ass!

 

I want to fight for survival in the Zombie Apocalypse! This time for real!

 

Hopefully that's not me in that outfit. But you can't ever know in a Dystopian Future.

 

That’s right. I want all of that!  And with all the possible Dystopian futures I’ve seen in the movies, read in books, and played in video games, I’m guessing one of them is bound to happen!

 

Bonus Content:

One result Scientists are hoping to discover with the Large Hadron Collider, is if parallel universes actually exist, and if String Theory is real. Soooo, they may actually open up gateways to other dimensions, huh? Then anything could come through!

 

Cthulhu! We meet again! You...son...of...a...bitch!

 

 

John Michael Gagnon…Johnny Red!!!

Curse Word on Roof Spotted From Space

I love it when science and rebellion merge to create something truly legendary!!

Curse Word on Roof Spotted from Space!!

 

In other news, school children in the UK inadvertenly brought Intergalactic Warfare upon Earth.

Tom Waits Would Fuck You Up!: Bono from U2

Some call him a legend. Some call him a great humanitarian. Some call him the second coming of Jesus. Me? I call him an inside agent, working for the political and capitalist elite to continue their path of destruction across this planet while he cashes in on people’s ignorance. Also, I call him a dirty old man. Bono you have this coming.

 

 

This blog is going to attack Bono’s humanitarian work. I feel the need to tell you, because I know people will jump down my throat for this.  Now I want to make it clear that humanitarian work is definitely a good thing. I support it 100%. BUT what I don’t support is an ego-manaical hypocrite running around the world trying to solve problems that HE HIMSELF is taking part in creating.

 

About 90% of the photo research I've done, he was making this same face. It's like he suffers from Perma-Smug. Oh, he also wants you to buy more gizmos and shit.

 

You see Bono has been able to walk a very fine line between being a corporate capitalist pig, and lovable rock star with a heart of gold. Bono is not a stupid guy. He’s no Chad Kroeger, which makes it more fun for me to try and expose his two faced agenda. No, Bono is very smart, almost too smart. He’s found a way to line his pockets and help giant corporations continue to drag the population into debt, not to mention pollute and harm many people, all the while coming out looking like a beacon of light.

 

Yes, this is an actual cover of TIME magazine. Jesus Christ! No, I'm not talking to you Bono.

 

Anyone capable of the lowest levels of critical thought has long since come to the conclusion that the political and corporate elite have caused the majority of the problems the world faces today, if not ever. Bono prides himself on trying to save the world by helping the less fortunate and as a result has been honored with many awards, and was even nominated for the Nobel Peace Prize.

But there is something completely nonsensical about how he goes about this. He actually partners with those that are clearly responsible for these problems. Here’s an example. Bono founded an organization called Product RED, which is supposed to help the people of Africa in combating HIV and AIDS. If you followed the link to the website, then you have seen that basically Bono wants you to buy stuff. Starbucks coffee, computers, ipods, apply for credit cards, etc.

 

So let me get this straight. We are going to stop the spread of HIV in Africa by lining the, already billionairs, Bill Gates and Michael Dell's pockets?

 

Yes, I know how this works. A “portion” of the money from sales of these products go to fighting HIV and AIDS in Africa. Fine, I guess that’s ok. But what about the GAP clothing line that was featured on Product RED that were using child slave labor to manufacture the clothing?

The reporter, Dan McDougall, said the children were working without pay as virtual slaves in filthy conditions, with a single, backed-up latrine and bowls of rice covered with flies. They slept on the roof, he said.

 

Well you know what they say. Can't make an HIV free Africa, without breaking the spirits of a few child slaves.

 

It gets worse. You see I completely believe that you can judge the character of someone based on who they associate with. If Bono was serious about wanting to help the world’s less fortunate then why would he allow himself to be seen with the following people?

 

Tony Blair: One half of the tag team known as "Pre-emptive War"

 

And Blair's partner in crime George W. Bush. Notice how Bush seems confused by the Peace sign Bono is throwing up.

 

Yes, Jon Paul II helped relieve massive debts to third world countries with Bono, BUT if you add up the atrocities the Church has caused throughout history, then helping erase debt is the least they could do.

 

Here he is accepting the medal of Liberty from George Bush Sr., which to me is the equivalent of the KKK's Grand Wizard hosting the BET awards.

 

And finally, here he is shaking hands with Satan.

 

Maybe I’m being too hard on Bono? Perhaps I should give him the benefit of the doubt? I mean it is possible he’s just using his fame and connections the best way he can to make positive changes in the world. Well let’s take a look at his private life then. Here’s a picture of Bono and his beautiful wife Ali Hewson.

 

Wow! Married for over 26 years and they still seem happy. I wonder what the secret is?

 

Oh! Apparently the secret is to have a private rendezvous with two barely legal bikini wearing 19 year olds!

 

Pictured: 19 year olds Andrea Feick and Hannah Emerson, creepy old rich fuck Simon Carmody, and what I believe to be a just jizzed in his pants Bono.

 

You know what I love? Poetic justice! Bono has been saying for years that he isn’t against the paparazzi and loves to have his photo taken. Well, ironically these pictures were not suppose to see the light of day, that is until those two girls posted them on their facebook accounts.

So the story goes that Bono and his friend Simon met up with the two girls in St. Tropez where they partied, and later in the evening took a private yacht out to sea. Once the pictures surfaced Bono and “friend” Andrea Feick went into damage control. Bono claims she’s just a friend he met a few years ago. Hmm? Let’s do the math. She was maybe 16 years old when they met. How humanitarian. Andrea also said that they are only friends and that he is too old for her. Typical and scripted response I would say.

 

Bono: Saving the world, two 19 year old bikini clad girls at a time.

 

So what does partying with two 19 year old girls on a private yacht say about his so-called goodwill? Actually doesn’t seem to be something somebody who truly cares about the less fortunate would do. In fact it’s hard to come up with anything that would be more of a slap in the face to the world’s poor. I mean it’s not like Mother Teresa partied it up in her downtime.

 

Well it looks like they got a hold of one of Bono's signature hats. I wonder how long it took before he threw the rest of his clothes at them?

 

 

Bono you’re transparent. I see through you and hopefully the rest of the world eventually does before you’re giving sainthood, run for office, or made leader of the United Nations. I can’t logically explain how someone so commited to so many causes can justify a lifestyle such as yours. Associating with known corrupt politicians, encouraging rampant consumerism in a world bogged down in unpayable debt, and partying like the aging rock star you are, have proven to me you are without a doubt the worst kind of hypocrite.

Oh! I almost forgot to add some lyrical fun!

 

"And I still haven't found...what I'm looking for."

 

Speaking of music. Bono recently tried to play the tough guy by insulting fellow Rock Star Chris Martin of Coldplay. In a recent interview Bono was quoted as saying, “I think that he’s a good melodist, but he’s a wanker.”  Bono went on to say, “Martin’s obviously a dysfunctional character and a cretin.”

Wow, Bono! I wonder what caused Bono to say such harsh things about Chris Martin?

Charities and Causes Chris Martin has Supported:

AIDS, Disaster Relief, Fair Trade, Weapons Reduction,

Poverty, Human Rights, Amnesty International, Hoping Foundation,

OxFarm, Mercy Corps, Keep a Child Alive, the list goes on and on

 

Well I was leaning toward jealousy. I think Bono may be a bit pissed off that Chris Martin is catching up in Humanatarian causes. But I dug a little deeper and think I may have found the truth!

 

I think Chris Martin had his own meeting with that 19 year old who was wearing Bono's hat!

 

Tom Waits I think it’s time play Bono out. Bono wants to save the world and solve everyone’s problems. Well here’s Tom Waits with some advice on what to do with your bad days.

 

 

 

John Michael Gagnon   AKA   Johnny(RED)
John Michael Gagnon’s Profile | Create Your Badge

 

 

Johnny Red and His Team of Scientists Visit Tokyo: The City of the Future!

Japan has brought me a lot of joy in my life. Video games, superior technology, the anime Cowboy Bebop, and of course…GODZILLA, are but a few of those things. Sadly, I’ve never visited Japan. Well that’s about to change!

Team of Scientists! Put all experiments on hold, put the Yeti back in his cage, and pack your bags, because we’re finally heading to Tokyo, Japan to discover why it’s been labeled the City of the Future!

 

 

Ok, we’re at the airport. Our flight leaves in 20 minutes, so make sure you have everything you need because…Scientist #3 they are not going to let you board with that. No, they won’t! Leave it in the car! They won’t care if it’s for scientific purposes! Listen, if I can’t even board with a lighter, then what makes you think they are going to let you bring a Tesla Coil on the plane?! Leave it!

Alright, let’s just sit back and enjoy the flight.

However many hours later…

Well here we are! Tokyo the City of the Future! I can’t wait to hit the streets and enjoy some Japanese culture. Ok, according to the map our hotel is down this street here.

 

Holy shit! Really?

Wow…um…that’s odd. Must be some special event going on. Let’s just get to our hotel and unpack. We have a long day ahead of us. Scientist #2 stop looking up it’s enormous skirt!

Alright we’ve checked in, unpacked, and we still have most of the day to explore Tokyo. I’m just gonna hit the bathroom and we’ll be on our way.

Call the front desk. The toilet seems to have been installed on the floor and not the wall.

The front desk says the toilet is where it’s suppose to be. Hmmm? If the toilet is on the floor then that means…You’ve got to be kidding me!

Minutes Later…

 Ok guys, let’s go! Don’t ask! Just don’t ask!  Scientist #1, go and get the loaner car we called ahead for.

Well...of course.

 

Scientist #1, pull Pikachu over. This looks like a busy street. We’ll just get out and walk around Tokyo for a bit. Yes, we’ve experienced a few weird things so far, but I’m confident Tokyo has more to offer than just the bizarre.

People are in such a hurry around here. No one wants to stop and talk to me. Wait a minute! That girl looks American, or at least European. Maybe she can tell us where in Tokyo we should visit. Um…excuse me m’am?

 

Ahh! What the?

 

I’m sorry m’am, I didn’t mean to startle you. I thought you were…someone…something else? What’s that? You’re a ganguro girl? Ganguro girls are a subculture of Tokyo who can be identified by their fashion sense, and extreme tanning? Ok, I think I understand.

 

Ganguro girls, NOT the Japanese cast of Mean Girls

 

She proceeded to explain to me that Tokyo has many subcultures that have their own unique sense of fashion and style.

There are the Gothic Lolita:

 

 

Kigurumin:

 

 

Decora:

 

 

And Cosplay:

 

Cosplay is my favorite!!

 

Cosplay is very similar to what goes on in America at many Comic Book and Star Trek conventions, or as I call them, Nerd Proms.

I thanked the Ganguro girl for educating my Team of Scientists and I on some of Tokyo’s subcultures, as we ran scared back to Pikachu.

Well I don’t know about you guys, but I’m getting hungry. What do you say we stop at this restaurant and grab a bite to eat. What does the sign say? “Alcatraz”?

 

Looks cozy.

The Alcatraz Restaurant is a prison themed restaurant in Japan where patrons are treated like…well…prisoners. Clearly Japan didn’t research The Stanford Prison Experiment that took place in America. Google it if you have time. Long story short, we weren’t through the appetizer when I began demanding to speak with the American embassy.

 

 

Team of Scientists, I’m sorry. I’m sorry we didn’t get to eat our meal on account of me getting us thrown out of a prison. Kinda ironic if you think of it. Let’s just go into this store and grab some snacks. Don’t worry I’m buying.

 

Green tea flavored kit kat bars? No Scientist #2, put it back.

 

You can put a strawberry on the package, but I'm pretty sure those cheetos are covered in pepto bismal.

 

And that looks like it was pulled out of a river.

 

Well Team of Scientists, it looks like we’re not eating while we’re here in Tokyo. Let’s try and keep our minds off of our hunger by…oh my god…are those claw machines?! I LOVE claw machines. I haven’t come across a claw machine yet that I haven’t been able to conquer! Hmm? Let’s see.

 

Don't have any use for a school girl's outfit. I'll pass.

 

A big pile of boobs. That's just creepy.

 

Ok, last one. Let’s have a look.

 

Police! Police! Damnit! How do you say police in japanese?!

 

This is getting to be ridiculous! Ah, a movie theater. Let’s go inside, watch a Japanese film and then we will continue our journey through Tokyo. Besides, I definitely need to sit down and relax for a bit.

2 hours later…

Let us NEVER speak of what we saw again! Scientist #1, go and check on Scientist #3. I think he is still throwing up in the theater bathroom. Did you know that Japan has a strict censorship policy on showing the male penis on film? Whether it is live action or an animated movie, by law the male penis is forbidden to be seen. BUT apparently everything else is ok. We were unfortunate to wander into a Japanese animated film. To be more specific a Japanese hentai film. Basically that’s animated porn.

So, you’re probably wondering how they make animated porn if the male penis is not allowed on film. Well Japanese filmmakers discovered a solution to this problem. What’s the solution? Tentacles!! 

I’ll try and break it down for ya.

 

THIS:

 

 

PLUS THIS:

 

 

EQUALS: YEARS OF THERAPY

 

Tentacle porn has become so popular that is has become an international phenomena. In fact some people have even decided to cash in on it’s popularity. I present to you, “Tentacle Grape” soda.

 

"WATCH OUT! You gonna get GRAPED!" That's the ACTUAL slogan for this ACTUAL soft drink.

 

To all of you tentacle fans out there. Please be responsible in your tentacle activities.

 

"You can never be too safe. That's why I use tentacle strength Trojans." - Cthulhu

 

Alright Team of Scientists, I’ve had enough. I thought I was bizarre, but Tokyo is like bizarre on acid. Let’s take Pikachu back to the hotel.

Back at the hotel…

Oh the gentleman at the front desk wants to speak to me. What’s that? You’ve arranged a special guest in my room? Why’s that? To honor me for visiting Tokyo? OH! I get what you’re saying. I don’t know? I don’t usually take part in that kind of service, if you know what I mean. But what the hell, it’s been a while. Also I don’t want to insult your customs. Let me just splash on a bit of cologne. Heheheh.

Ok! I’m a ready!!

 

Egads!!!

 

Bonus Content:

Hey American gear heads. Yeah I’m talking to you! I suppose you think you’re pretty tough with that tricked out truck you’re driving around huh? Well let me show you something.

 

You see this? Yeah, well take a seat.

 

I wanted to mention another Japanese subculture that puts all those American motorheads to shame. I present to you DEKOTORA!!! A Japanese subculture that specializes in tricking out trucks.

 

If you owned this truck in Northern Maine you would have your pick of the womenfolk

 

John Gagnon…I Think I’m Turning Japanese…Johnny Red

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