There is No Such Thing as Fiction: The Mystery of Coral Castle

Coral Castle was built in the early 20th century by an eccentric Latvian recluse named Edward Leedskalnin who allegedly left Latvia when he was rejected by his 16 year old fiance. He would never marry and would spend 30 years of his life building a Coral Castle and its surrounding buildings, for his alleged ‘Sweet Sixteen’

I know what you’re thinking? Big deal. This is just another story of unrequited love and how when some people suffer this heartache they build a giant fucking monument out of limestone. Sure I’ll give you that, but what makes this story different is HOW this monument to ‘never getting over it’ came to be. It’s because nobody knows how this man, a mere 5 foot tall, 100lbs, using primitive tools created this:

Seriously dude, there are other fish in the sea.

Seriously dude, there are other fish in the sea.

  Normally my Team of Scientists and I wouldn’t bat an eye at something like this. However upon researching the Coral Castle more and more we stumbled upon some truly unexplainable things.

Leaving for America, he came down with terminal tuberculosis. He allegedly spontaneously healed, stating that magnets had some effect on his healing.

Ok, magnets. Not quite enough evidence to support his claim. I was still not convinced this Castle was anything special.

Somehow he allegedly managed to single-handedly lift and maneuver blocks of megalithic stones, mostly coral, weighing up to 30 tons each, to create not only a castle but other things.

Hmmm??

Edward Leedskalnin, all 5 feet, 100lbs of him.

Edward Leedskalnin, all 5 feet, 100lbs of him.

White man, grey hair, likes magnets, initials E.L.?

Erik Lehnsherr, who can control metal and other objects through electromagnetic forces. OMG! That little old man is Magneto!

Erik Lehnsherr, who can control metal and other objects through electromagnetic forces. OMG! That little old man is Magneto!

In another quest to verify the existance of Super Heroes/Villains I have brought my Team of Scientists with me to Homestead, Florida where the Coral Castle is a famous tourist site. Grabbing a pamphlet at the Coral Castle gift shop, my Team of Scientists and I headed to the Castle Gate.

The pamphlet makes some very dubious claims, such as:

Edward spent over 28 years building the Coral Castle, refusing to allow anyone to view him while he worked. A few teenagers claimed to have witnessed his work, reported that he had caused the blocks of coral to move like hydrogen balloons. The only tool that Leedskalnin spoke of using was a “perpetual motion holder.”

Scientists! Team huddle now! Ok, if there is such a thing as a “perpetual motion holder” then we must unlock it’s secrets. It will be ours. We will use this lost technology to our own ends. We will…damnit why isn’t the tourist line moving?! 

After an aggravating 20 minute wait, due to Mr. and Mrs. Johnson from Fargo, ND, who felt their toy poodle deserved to view this achievement of engineering, finally agreed to put the yapping bastard back in their car, we finally reached the front gate.

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According to the pamphlet:

Entrance to Coral Castle is made through a gate fashioned from a single coral block weighing nine tons. The enormous block balances so perfectly on its center of gravity that a visitor can easily push it open with one finger. People who are sensitive to electromagnetic energies fields will sometimes report headaches while standing inside the archway of the nine-ton swinging gate – door – thought to be over a vortex – and a major grid point of the planet.

Hmm? Hey, Scientist #3! You’re very sensitive to elecromagnetic energy. Go stand in the archway and let me know how you feel.

Interesting, and very scientific.

Interesting, and very scientific.

After the authorities left we were able to continue our tour of Coral Castle. The monuments were breathtaking. A 5,000 lb heart shaped table,  22-ton obelisk stretches 40 feet toward the sky, a 30 ton telescope, towering twenty five feet, just a few of the things this eccentric old man created using magnetism.

A brief explanation of magnetism:

And example of how magnetism works, NOT elaborate instructions for the Shocker.

And example of how magnetism works, NOT elaborate instructions for the Shocker.

There are also six different types of magnetism. Ferromagnetism, ferrimagnetism, antiferromagnetism, paramagnetism, diamagnetism and…

Sexual Magnetism: When unseen forces bring two objects together

Sexual Magnetism: When unseen forces bring two objects together

Ok, science class is over, we must find his secret to moving and sculpting large objects. I want that perpetual motion holder! Scientists #1 and #2 search the North quadrant! Scientists #4 and #5 search the South! And NO Mrs. Johnson I don’t want to see pictures of your grandkids!

The search didn’t take long. Inside a small coral housing unit we found what we believe to be the perpetual motion holder.

Wow...I was kinda expecting more than this.

Wow...I was kinda expecting more than this.

I quickly had my Team of Scientists examine the device. They explained it looked like it was in perfect working condition. In fact all they had to do was turn the device on. Before I could respond…they did.

Heads up!!

Heads up!!

The large coral limestones became nearly weightless. The perpetual motion holder was able to somehow tap into the Earth’s electromagnetic forces and suspend gravity itself! But we were unprepared for the consequences of turning the device on. Clearly using the machine required much practice. And then there were the tourists…

Please Mrs. Johnson, I'm sorry and I'm sure your grandkids are adorable! Put that down!

Mrs. Johnson, I'm sorry and I'm sure your grandkids are adorable! But please put that down!

 Things were getting out of hand and we needed to get out of here quickly. I ordered my Team of Scientists to carry the perpetual motion holder to the car so we could make our daring escape.

Shit

Shit

The authorities, probably not happy with making a second trip out to the Coral Castle in one day, were on their way. I had to think fast. We needed another form of transport and we needed it now!

Scientist #2 you're a genius!!

Scientist #2 you're a genius!!

We probably should have felt quilty for stealing Mr. and Mrs. Johnson’s car, but upon further reflection it was done in the name of Science. Also, that damn dog bit me.

With the perpetual motion holder now in our hands, my Team of Scientists thought it would be appropriate to use the device to  build a monument to Scientist #3. I was actually touched by this request. Edward Leedskalnin had originally used the device to build a monument to his long lost love, and I felt it was fitting to use the device in a similar way. Team of Scientists, I leave the perpetual motion holder to you. Honor your fallen brother and make me proud.

 

Son of a bitch.

Son of a bitch.

 

John Gagnon aka Johnny Red

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Posted on April 17, 2009, in There is No Such Thing as Fiction and tagged , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink. 18 Comments.

  1. Very very funny!!! Amazing! I never saw that much coral in my life!!! Ever read about the stones your irish ancestors moved @ Newgrange?! And little too??!! This guy is my size… Oops~ I think I just gave away too much! Okay~ Another great post!!! LUV!

    • Are you saying that our Irish ancenstors may have also tapped into the mysterious powers that this guy did?! I’m must research further and unlock this knowledge by decoding my own DNA!

      I’ll let ya know how it goes.

  2. That’s levitation, Homes!

  3. I grew up in Fort Lauderdale and first saw Coral Castle in the late 50’s. It is worth seeing at least once ( if it’s still open ). I was there last in 1981. A very odd place indeed. Great site by the way Thanks.

    • Thanks for the comments. It’s definitely a place I’d like to visit someday, that is if it’s still open to the public.

  4. P.S. I am so using that exploded head on my site for the next Beck outrage…

  5. Dude… I especially like the neo-con head explosion when he found out his taxes were actually going down after he had been throwing teabags at the local IRS center all day!

    Awesome work!

  6. another great one.
    especially the Johnsons’ side story line.

  7. I love your stories.

  1. Pingback: Top 5 Ways The Future Will Be Amazing…Maybe « MONSTER REBELLION

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