Johnny Red and his Team of Scientists VS. The Church of Scientology

Science by definition:  the state of knowing : knowledge as distinguished from ignorance or misunderstanding

Scientology by definition: the state of believing : knowledge NOT distinguished from the insane babbling of a drug filled science fiction writer and con artist


Where to begin? My Team of Scientists and I have spent the last week researching The Church of Scientology, and it’s claims that it can free humans from suffering, war, illnesses, and ancient alien ghosts that currently inhabit our body. In all this research I was amazed to find very little “science” in Scientology. Given the word “Scientology”, I figured it would be swimming in it. Instead we discovered a worldwide scam set up as a religion to dupe people out of their lifesavings all the while leaving a mysterious trail of fraud, intimidation, and in some cases death.

Well let’s start off with the man who created Scientology in the first place. L. Ron Hubbard created the Church of Scientology in 1952.



A face that screams leadership

A face that screams leadership



Hubbard, a mediocore science fiction writer at best, claims that 75 million years ago our solar system was filled with many more planets than we have now and were becoming overpopulated. Xenu, the galactic dictator at the time, decided that the best form of population control was to gather up billions of the inhabitants of these planets, freeze them, and then bring them to Earth for prompt destruction.

Stay with me now…

Xenu then dumped these aliens around various volcanoes on the Earth, and then H-bombed the shit out of these volcanoes.

But wait, how did Xenu transport all those aliens? Apparently he flew them all to Earth in Spaceships that Hubbard described as looking nearly identical to DC-8 airplanes.



I suspect Hubbard was driving by the airport when he came up with that spaceship description. I say that because DC-8 planes were being flown in the 50's, around the same time he came up Scientology.

I suspect Hubbard was driving by the airport when he came up with that spaceship description. I say that because DC-8 planes were being flown in the 50's, around the same time he came up with Scientology.




But the story doesn’t end there. After the alien bodies were destroyed, their spirits, named Thetans, were released. Xenu apparently knew this was going to happen. He captured the Thetans and forced them to watch brainwashing propaganda and released the Thetans back onto Earth where they eventually found primitive humans. The Thetans bonded with the humans and we eventually created various religions, institutions, etc. that are the product of Xenu’s propaganda. Oh and eventually Xenu was captured in a rebellion by the aliens of the other planets and confined to an electrical prison on a mountain top somewhere.

My thoughts exactly.

My thoughts exactly.

Sure most religions have crazy creation myths and fantastic stories that if you are a follower would have to take them on faith, but have you ever read Moses, Jesus, Buddha, or Muhammad quoted as saying this:

“You don’t get rich writing science fiction. If you want to get rich, you start a religion.” -L. Ron Hubbard

And rich he became, because you see in order to rid ourselves of those nasty Thetans you have to go through several auditing levels in the Church of Scientology. It’s all very complex and if your are curious I would suggest searching the net as I did. But the bottom line is this: each level of auditing requires you to pay more and more out of your pocket. By the time you reach the uppper levels of auditing members have to pay upwards of a $100,000 a session. Hubbard called this the process to becoming “clear”.

It's "clear" my dumbass was robbed blind.

It's "clear" my dumbass was robbed blind.

Now your first auditing session is free of charge of course, not unlike crack rock. So what brings people back for an expensive second auditing? I put my Team of Scientists to work on this and they returned with some amazing results. You see Scientology auditors use a device they call an E-Meter.


A small current of electricity flows through your body as you grip the two metal rods. A reading is then displayed of your unhappiness level. This determines whether or not the Scientologist wants you to take a second audit. A lot of people actually shell out the money for the second audit. Why is this? Well this is what we found:

“The actual amount of charge delivered to the body by many FDA approved medical devices is of the identical order of magnitude of the small current provided by the Scientology E-Meter.

Thus, I conclude that the E-meter directly provides a pain killing adjunct to the implied result of Scientology auditing technology’s release state.

This is also the source of the sag effect of a participant feeling great after auditing, yet having a sagging emotion tone some few days later – as his bodies endorphin levels go down past normal in a hang over effect, in which, like a heroin addict, he wants another dose, only it is a dose of auditing.”

You can now see how Scientology is clearly a scam to bilk people out of their money. This leads to my next theory. Scientology targets celebrities deliberately since they have more money then they know what to do with.

No, this isn't photoshopped.

No, this isn't photoshopped.

Many of you probably know of Scientology because of the celebrities who are members. Tom Cruise, Kirstie Alley, John Travolta, the list goes on and on. On a side note I have discovered something that may or may not be directly related to Scientology.

Is Scientology shrinking Tom Cruise, or enlarging Katie Holmes and an incredible rate?

Is Scientology shrinking Tom Cruise, or enlarging Katie Holmes at an incredible rate?



...WTF is going on here?!

...WTF is going on here?!

And of course like all religions, Scientology claims to want nothing more than to help those suffering from the hardships of the world we live in. We’ve heard that tired old song too many times. Upon L. Ron Hubbard’s death in 1986, David Miscavige has taken the leadership role in the Church of Scientology. He’s quoted as saying:

“If you want to know what our ultimate goal would be, of course it would be utter peace.” -David Miscavige

Sounds like a humble man. Oh! I almost forgot, here’s a picture of Miscavige.

A lot of words come to mind, but "humble" isn't one of them.

A lot of words come to mind, but "humble" isn't one of them.

I’ve thought about waging an all out war against the Church of Scientology for their obvious fraud, deceptions, and misusing of the word science, but it appears I’ve already been beaten to it. For the last few years a group calling themselves “Anonymous” have been posting videos on youtube and protesting outside Scientology facilities and buildings. If I knew who any of them where, I’d gladly shake their hands.

Anonymous were obvious "V for Vendetta" fans

Anonymous are obviously "V for Vendetta" fans

 So what has gotten Anonymous so upset with Scientology? I mean if a bunch of weak minded celebrities, and people looking for a crutch are willing to dish out their money then what does it bother them? Well this is where we get into the truly dirty side of Scientology. Members of the Church are expected to follow strict rules. One of those rules is to not take any medications not approved by the Church, and also Psychiatrists are apparently the ultimate evil. Here’s the tragic story of one Lisa McPherson:

On December 5, 1995, Lisa McPherson was dead on arrival at a hospital 45 minutes north of Clearwater Florida. According to the coroner’s report, Lisa was underweight, severely dehydrated, and had bruises and bug bites.

Lisa McPherson was a Scientologist from the ages 18-36.

Lisa McPherson was a Scientologist from the ages 18-36.

 On November 18, 1995, Lisa was involved in a minor car accident. She was apparently not hurt, but she got out of her car and took all her clothes off and seemed mentally unstable. She was taken to a hospital where she was physically evaluated as being unharmed, but the hospital wanted her to be psychologically cared for. However, some Scientologists arrived and stated that Lisa did not believe in psychiatry, and she checked out after a short evaluation and left with the Scientologists. She went with them to Room 174 of the Ft. Harrison Hotel for “rest and relaxation” according to the church, but church logs from Lisa’s stay there  from November 18 to her death December 5 show differently.

Lisa McPherson’s suspicious death is not the only one the Church of Scientology has been accused of causing. If you want to learn more on this then click the following link:

The Unfunny Truth of Scientology  *Warning! Graphic images!*


If L. Ron Hubbard were alive today, I wonder what he would say about where Scientology has taken themselves? Actually I think that bastard would approve of it all.


“I’m drinking lots of rum and popping pinks and greys.” Actual quote from Hubbard in a letter to his third wife.

Bonus Content

Charles Manson had over 100 hours of auditing sessions before he went on his own murderous rampage.

It's been rumored that Manson left Scientology because it was, "too insane" for his liking.

It's been rumored that Manson left Scientology because it was, "too insane" for his liking.


John Gagnon AKA Johnny Red


Posted on April 22, 2009, in Uncategorized and tagged , , , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink. 9 Comments.

  1. Nice weblog here! Additionally your site lots up fast! What host are you the usage of?
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  2. Wow! when I get a chance, I’ll read up on it some more.
    I don’t understand how people become so extreme and stray so far from reality?

  3. SCARY!! We shoulg crack a brew & chat religion again soon.

    GLAD you are using your writing ability!!

  4. ohh snap yes.
    I’m actually quite glad you refrained from posting the anti-Scientology vids from youtube- like McPherson’s questionable death at the Murder Inn that the ‘church’ owns around the corner, etc.

    great and reasonable post this time.
    I think you were quite restrained…

    • Dude, there was so much I could have gone with but decided to just let everyone look into it themselves if they wanted to. Another option would have been to make this entry multiple parts, but the whole subject was starting to really piss me off. lol.

  5. Forrest Gump’s ” stupid is as stupid does ” seems to fit in nicely with Scientology. Tom Cruise is on perement call waiting from earth. Keep digging

    • haha! I’ll keep digging, but hopefully the Church has truly given up their “fair game” policy. Otherwise it may be off to the volcano with me.

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