Bam! Super Nature, God Damn!: World’s Strangest Creatures

Team of Scientists pack your bags! We’re taking a much needed vacation! I’ve booked ahead and all travel arrangements have been made. Don’t forget your passports and other essentials because–What? This has nothing to do with what happened a couple of weeks ago!

FLASHBACK…

One part avian flu, one part pig flu, and what the hell two parts human flu.      Uh oh.

One part avian flu, one part pig flu, and what the hell two parts human flu. Uh oh.

 Alright! Alright! We have to lay low for a while. So I figured why not kill two birds with one stone and finally get that expedition we have been planning out of the way. What do you mean, “what expedition?” I see you guys taking notes all day on those clipboards, but never seem to remember a damn thing I say. We are traveling  the world to find the world’s strangest creatures. First stop, The Arctic!

Narwhal: Sea Unicorns

The narwhal (Monodon monoceros) is a medium-sized toothed whale that lives year-round in the Arctic. One of two species of whale in the Monodontidae family, along with the Beluga whale, the narwhal males are distinguished by a characteristic long, straight, helical tusk extending from their upper left jaw.

 

No, it hasn't just finished eating a Unicorn.

No, it hasn't just finished eating a Unicorn.

 

The long helical tusk has been the topic of much debate over those studying the narwhal. Some say it’s a tool to break the icy surface of the Arctic waters, others believe the narwhal males will use the tusks when fighting, but the most widely believed purpose is that it is a secondary sexual characteristic. This would also mean the tusk is used to determine social rank, and maintain dominance, not unlike a lion’s mane, or a peacock’s tail feathers.

You’re not fooling me Narwhal, nor will I leave this up to debate. Nobody shows up with a nearly ten foot spiral bone lance protruding out of their mouth without something to prove. Team of Scientists! Bring me closer to that group over there.

If they're not careful, someone's gonna poke an eye out.

If they're not careful, someone's gonna poke an eye out.

 

Hmmm? They don’t seem to be showing signs of aggression to each other. Maybe the others are right in that the tusk is only for show. Well, Team of Scientists let’s continue on to our next destination. Wait a minute?

polar20bear

 

Oh my God! He’s looking at those narwhals.

 

36802

 

Stop you fool!!!

 

As God as my witness this actually happened.

As God as my witness this actually happened.

 

Aye-Aye: Your Nightmare Come to Life

The Aye-aye is the world’s largest nocturnal prosimian, and dwells predominantly in forest canopies.

Mother of Pearl!!

Mother of Pearl!!

The adult Aye-aye has black or dark brown fur covered by white guard hairs at the neck. The tail is bushy and shaped like that of a squirrel. The Aye-aye’s face is also rodent-like, the shape of a raccoon’s, and mouses bright, beady, luminous eyes. Its incisors are very large, and grow continuously throughout its lifespan.

It's teeth don't stop growing!!

It's teeth, they never...stop growing!!

The Aye-aye’s hands are arguably its most unusual feature. Much like other primates, it possesses opposable thumbs, but both the hallux and the fingers are long and slender, and appear to be in a curved position.  The middle finger can be up to three times longer than the others.

Look at it's hands! LOOK AT IT'S HANDS!

Look at it's hands! LOOK AT IT'S HANDS!

Researchers in Madagascar report remarkable fearlessness in the Aye-aye; some accounts tell of individual animals strolling nonchalantly in village streets or even walking right up to naturalists in the rainforest and sniffing their shoes.

It shows NO FEAR!!

It shows NO FEAR!!

Well Hollywood science fiction and fantasy writers, it looks like Darwin just trumped your asses! Moving on.

 

Pistol Shrimp: The Gunslinger of the Sea

Growing tired of copying and pasting from Wikpedia, I’ve decided to give Youtube a chance at better explaining the awesome power of the Pistol Shrimp. Trust me, it’s worth a watch.

Amazing! This little guy can harness the power of the Sun itself.  Scientist #4 collect me a specimen.

Quick! Put it down, put it down!

Quick! Put it down, put it down!

 

You win this round Pistol Shrimp. But one day you’re awesome power will be mine! Don’t worry Scientist #4 we’ll stop at Rite Aid for some balm before our next stop.

"I'll shoot ya, and wear yer boots!"

"I'll shoot ya, and wear yer boots!"

 

Japanese Spider Crab: Combining Your Fears of Crabs and Spiders

You must have seen this coming. No trip into the strange and bizarre is complete without a stop to Japan. One has to wonder why Japan spent decades filming a guy in a rubber suit, stomping on model cities when they could have just filmed this.

I really wish I could say that this is fake.

I really wish I could say that this is fake.

The Japanese spider crab, Macrocheira kaempferi, is the largest known arthropod; fully grown it can reach a leg span of almost 4 m (13 ft), a body size of up to 37 cm (15 inches) and a weight of up to 20 kg (44 lb).

Spider Crabs! Represeeeent!

Spider Crabs! Represeeeent!

 

Here’s a quick video to showcase the actual size of these Spider Crabs. Ignore the annoying tourists.

It is believed to have a life expectancy of up to 100 years. That’s right folks. They are possibly immortal. It seems to me these Spider Crabs would pose a serious threat to the Japanese being able to get a good night’s sleep. I wonder how they cope with knowing these creatures are most likely surrounding their mainlands, ready to invade?

 

It's Japan. Of course they are going to eat them!

It's Japan. Of course they are going to eat them!

 

Speaking of Crabs,

 

Giant Coconut Crab: We’re all Doomed

Sure the Japanese Spider Crab may be the largest known crab, but they seem very fragile and edible. Well where the Coconut Crab falls short in size, it more than makes up for in shear strength.

This is not photoshopped, not a model, and not a picture from the set of a new science fiction movie.

This is not photoshopped, not a model, and not a picture from the set of a new science fiction movie.

 

I know what you’re thinking. Maybe that’s just a tiny tree and I’m using trick photography. Well here’s another pic.

 

Going through human trash...to STUDY US!

Going through human trash...to STUDY US!

Now you’re probably asking yourself where the name “Coconut Crab” comes from? The Coconut Crab’s primary food source comes from cracking open coconuts and eating the liquidy fleshy insides.

Other researchers claim they crack coconuts for food. I say it's practice!

Other researchers claim they crack coconuts for food. I say it's practice!

 

That’s right! I believe the Coconut Crab is merely using coconuts to hone their skills to eventually crack our own similarly textured heads!

Oh my God! It's right on your head! How do you not notice?!

Oh my God! It's right on your head! How do you not notice?!

 

And when will enough be enough for the Coconut Crab?!

 

"Oh my sweet Anna! I regret nothing!!"

"Oh my sweet Anna! I regret nothing!!"

 

But the Coconut Crab will not ever stop! It’s agenda is clear!

 

giantcrabcw2 

Team of Scientists! We must get back to the lab and figure out a way to stop the Coconut Crab menace before they eventually become known as the Cranium Crab! Swine Flu be damned! We have work to do!

 

Bonus Content: The Star Nosed Mole

I'm not touching that one with a 10 foot Narwhal tusk

I'm not touching that one with a 10 foot Narwhal tusk

 

John Michael Gagnon AKA Johnny Red

036

 

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Posted on April 29, 2009, in There is No Such Thing as Fiction and tagged , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink. 23 Comments.

  1. hi ,Those are all frickin amazing. Especially those crabs and the Aye Aye!! And you may have already known this, but the picture of the guy with the crab hat, its a headcrab from the game series “Half Life”.see my blog m-yegy.blogspot.com

  2. That was really cool!!!!:)

  3. Shnitzel (Chase)

    Those are all frickin amazing. Especially those crabs and the Aye Aye!! And you may have already known this, but the picture of the guy with the crab hat, its a headcrab from the game series “Half Life”. They attach themselves to people’s heads and turn them to zombies. =)

    • Half Life was an awesome game. When I photo researched “head crab”, it seemed to be the most popular pic. lol

  4. I like your glasses! xD

    • I’d expect a response like this from my Tom Waits page, but…why here? Also, I’d say it takes a coward to say something like that and post as anonymous. Happy New Year douche nozzle.

  5. I guess Genji really was based on historical Japan. Giant enemy crab!

  6. that was freaky my little sis got scared

  7. quelqun et francai ici oui ou non

  8. cryptozoologist

    the aye-aye is supposed to be related to the chupacabra, say us cryptozoologists.

  9. cryptozoologist

    well, the aye-aye is supposed to be related to the chupacabra, say us cryptozoologists.

  10. When the crabs attack, just hit them with some shampoo.

  11. hmmmmmmm…something told me you should have rested before writing this.

  12. Pistol shrimp pump on my lap at all times
    Pistol shrimp pump on my lap at all times
    Pistol shrimp pump on my lap at all times
    They can be fucking with other crustaceous shit, but they can’t be fucking with mine

    Adapted from “Pistol Grip Pump” by Rage against the Machines

  1. Pingback: breaching narwhals | standardRGB

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