Bam! Super Nature, God Damn!: World’s Strangest Creatures
Team of Scientists pack your bags! We’re taking a much needed vacation! I’ve booked ahead and all travel arrangements have been made. Don’t forget your passports and other essentials because–What? This has nothing to do with what happened a couple of weeks ago!
Alright! Alright! We have to lay low for a while. So I figured why not kill two birds with one stone and finally get that expedition we have been planning out of the way. What do you mean, “what expedition?” I see you guys taking notes all day on those clipboards, but never seem to remember a damn thing I say. We are traveling the world to find the world’s strangest creatures. First stop, The Arctic!
Narwhal: Sea Unicorns
The narwhal (Monodon monoceros) is a medium-sized toothed whale that lives year-round in the Arctic. One of two species of whale in the Monodontidae family, along with the Beluga whale, the narwhal males are distinguished by a characteristic long, straight, helical tusk extending from their upper left jaw.
The long helical tusk has been the topic of much debate over those studying the narwhal. Some say it’s a tool to break the icy surface of the Arctic waters, others believe the narwhal males will use the tusks when fighting, but the most widely believed purpose is that it is a secondary sexual characteristic. This would also mean the tusk is used to determine social rank, and maintain dominance, not unlike a lion’s mane, or a peacock’s tail feathers.
You’re not fooling me Narwhal, nor will I leave this up to debate. Nobody shows up with a nearly ten foot spiral bone lance protruding out of their mouth without something to prove. Team of Scientists! Bring me closer to that group over there.
Hmmm? They don’t seem to be showing signs of aggression to each other. Maybe the others are right in that the tusk is only for show. Well, Team of Scientists let’s continue on to our next destination. Wait a minute?
Oh my God! He’s looking at those narwhals.
Stop you fool!!!
Aye-Aye: Your Nightmare Come to Life
The Aye-aye is the world’s largest nocturnal prosimian, and dwells predominantly in forest canopies.
The adult Aye-aye has black or dark brown fur covered by white guard hairs at the neck. The tail is bushy and shaped like that of a squirrel. The Aye-aye’s face is also rodent-like, the shape of a raccoon’s, and mouses bright, beady, luminous eyes. Its incisors are very large, and grow continuously throughout its lifespan.
The Aye-aye’s hands are arguably its most unusual feature. Much like other primates, it possesses opposable thumbs, but both the hallux and the fingers are long and slender, and appear to be in a curved position. The middle finger can be up to three times longer than the others.
Researchers in Madagascar report remarkable fearlessness in the Aye-aye; some accounts tell of individual animals strolling nonchalantly in village streets or even walking right up to naturalists in the rainforest and sniffing their shoes.
Well Hollywood science fiction and fantasy writers, it looks like Darwin just trumped your asses! Moving on.
Pistol Shrimp: The Gunslinger of the Sea
Growing tired of copying and pasting from Wikpedia, I’ve decided to give Youtube a chance at better explaining the awesome power of the Pistol Shrimp. Trust me, it’s worth a watch.
Amazing! This little guy can harness the power of the Sun itself. Scientist #4 collect me a specimen.
You win this round Pistol Shrimp. But one day you’re awesome power will be mine! Don’t worry Scientist #4 we’ll stop at Rite Aid for some balm before our next stop.
Japanese Spider Crab: Combining Your Fears of Crabs and Spiders
You must have seen this coming. No trip into the strange and bizarre is complete without a stop to Japan. One has to wonder why Japan spent decades filming a guy in a rubber suit, stomping on model cities when they could have just filmed this.
The Japanese spider crab, Macrocheira kaempferi, is the largest known arthropod; fully grown it can reach a leg span of almost 4 m (13 ft), a body size of up to 37 cm (15 inches) and a weight of up to 20 kg (44 lb).
Here’s a quick video to showcase the actual size of these Spider Crabs. Ignore the annoying tourists.
It is believed to have a life expectancy of up to 100 years. That’s right folks. They are possibly immortal. It seems to me these Spider Crabs would pose a serious threat to the Japanese being able to get a good night’s sleep. I wonder how they cope with knowing these creatures are most likely surrounding their mainlands, ready to invade?
Speaking of Crabs,
Giant Coconut Crab: We’re all Doomed
Sure the Japanese Spider Crab may be the largest known crab, but they seem very fragile and edible. Well where the Coconut Crab falls short in size, it more than makes up for in shear strength.
I know what you’re thinking. Maybe that’s just a tiny tree and I’m using trick photography. Well here’s another pic.
Now you’re probably asking yourself where the name “Coconut Crab” comes from? The Coconut Crab’s primary food source comes from cracking open coconuts and eating the liquidy fleshy insides.
That’s right! I believe the Coconut Crab is merely using coconuts to hone their skills to eventually crack our own similarly textured heads!
And when will enough be enough for the Coconut Crab?!
But the Coconut Crab will not ever stop! It’s agenda is clear!
Team of Scientists! We must get back to the lab and figure out a way to stop the Coconut Crab menace before they eventually become known as the Cranium Crab! Swine Flu be damned! We have work to do!
Bonus Content: The Star Nosed Mole
John Michael Gagnon AKA Johnny Red
Posted on April 29, 2009, in There is No Such Thing as Fiction and tagged aye-aye, coconut crab, crabs will be our undoing, japanese spider crab, narwhal, pistol shrimp, strange creatures. Bookmark the permalink. 23 Comments.