Top 5 Previously Awesome Things Hollywood Has Ruined

I’ve been mulling the idea for this blog over in my head for a while now, but after what I witnessed the other night, I decided it had to be done. You see Hollywood and I have always had a love/hate relationship. But now it feels like Hollywood has put me in an abusive, unloving, kidnapping my childhood, raping it in a van, wrapping it in a blanket, and tossing it over a bridge type relationship. What exactly did I witness you ask?  The “G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra” movie trailer. I will not do Hollywood the favor and post the trailer on this blog, but if you feel the need to be robbed blind of your childhood memories then google it. Those of you familar with my blog, “Top 5 Corruptions of Things I Onced Loved”, then you know the main problem I had with the “Transformers” movie. They are destroying the iconic imagery of our beloved characters!

 

Marlon Wayans as Ripcord in the G.I. Joe movie. Yeah Hollywood...you nailed it.

Marlon Wayans will play Ripcord in the G.I. Joe movie. Yeah Hollywood...you nailed it.

This introduction leads directly to my first entry(as introductions are known to do):

5. My Adult Man Love of 80’s Toys

Eight years ago, while living in Portland, I performed an experiment. I found Transformers: The Movie at the Videoport. Nope, not the Michael “Eat a Dick” Bay version, but  the full length animated version. I remembered how as a kid I couldn’t stop watching this movie. I thought it was the greatest thing ever, until puberty. So I wanted to find out if I thought it was as awesome today, as I thought it was as a kid. And do you know what I should have done? I should have put it back on the shelf. Because upon watching it again as an adult, I thought it was awful. Not as bad as Michael “I swear if I see you in the street I’ll kick you in the ballsack” Bay’s version, but pretty bad nonetheless. You see there is something about great childhood memories that should just stay there. I learned that lesson, but apparently Hollywood hasn’t. Hollywood believes that these iconic toys should grow up with us.

 

Wowsers! Maybe they're on to something here?

Wowsers! Maybe they're on to something here?

 

NO! Must resist! Fantasies aside, I want Hollywood to aknowledge the fact that by adding tons of CGI, explosions, semi-retarded actors who are easy on the eyes, is not gonna bring back the joy we all felt as children playing in the backyard with our favorite toys. There are now rumors of a Voltron movie in the works. I’m sure Thundercats, and He-Man are soon to follow. So I’m taking a stand right here and right now! I will not watch anymore of these abominations! I mean where will it end?! 

 

I take that back, I would go see this!

I take that back, I would go see this!

 

 

4. The Classics:

Keep Your Greedy Hollywood Claws off of Them!

I’m gonna start this entry with an amusing story. Well it would be amusing if it wasn’t so tragic. I was google searching a funny image that would go with the insane idea of remaking Casablanca. I mean who would ever think that remaking Casablanca would be a good idea? It’s perposterous! You would have to be some kind of ego-maniacal, sadistic monster to think such a thing. Well…

 

I'm declaring Madonna an official state of emergency!

I'm declaring Madonna an official state of emergency!

 

That’s right folks, Madonna wants to remake possibly the greatest movie ever made, and cast herself in the lead female role that Ingrid Bergman played. Oh and to note, Ingrid Bergman played the role of Ilsa Lund when she was in her twenties.

 

Hmm? Perhaps she should play A-Rod in a bio-pic about the abuses of steroids.

Hmm? Perhaps she should play her boy toy A-Rod in a bio-pic about the abuses of steroids.

 

My argument here is pretty much the same as the previous entry. What we consider Classic films, and I’m not just referring to your parents or grandparents black and white films they used to watch on the old talking, moving picture box, but any film that has generated a fan following because of it’s originality, uniqueness, or whatever reason applies, should NOT be remade. Who do these Hollywood producers and directors think they are? What makes them believe they can possibly make these films better? Something tells me they are only after one thing.

 

Pictured: Actual Hollywood Producer

Pictured: Actual Hollywood Producer

 

You see Hollywood has run out of ideas. It no longer has an original bone in their pig shaped bodies. We’ve already seen remakes of Psycho, The Texas Chainsaw Massacare, Halloween, Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, Planet of the Apes, Shaft, the list goes on and on. And coming in 2010 is the biggest slap in the face to movie goers. Well at least in mine.

 

I would make a joke about this, but there is nothing funny about it.

I would make a joke about this, but there is nothing funny about it.

3. The Art of Tragedy

One definition of Tragedy a serious drama typically describing a conflict between the protagonist and a superior force (as destiny) and having a sorrowful or disastrous conclusion that elicits pity or terror.

Guess what, world? Bad shit happens every day. There’s horrible stuff happening as I type this, and very few of those horrible things are prevented at the last minute by some miracle or clever Hollywood writing. While most of us enjoy watching movies to help us escape reality and dealing with horrible things, it doesn’t mean films sometimes can’t show the tragedy of life. As a matter of fact Tragedy used to be quite popular, mostly due to this guy. 

 

 

 

 

Shakespeare: That's the pic I choose. Deal with it.

Shakespeare: That's the pic I chose. Deal with it.

 

If any of you aren’t familar with Shakespeare’s works and are still struggling with the meaning of Tragedy, here’s another example that I find works well.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Hot girls with douchebags...fucking tragic.

Hot girls with douchebags...fucking tragic.

 

Before movie studios release their films into theaters they do a little thing called “test screening”. They gather together a small audience of viewers that are suppose to represent the general public. They allow this very small cross section to review the film and are then encouraged to give their input on how to make the film better.  Do you know what the majority of the complaints are when a test screen audience isn’t happy with a film? That it’s not a happy film.  Really? Are we as the human race that shallow? Do we actually believe that if we are not happy all the time then there is something wrong with us? Experience, good or bad, is there to help us grow and become confident individuals. We can deal with tragic, sad movies where the good guy doesn’t always win. I don’t need a semi-retarded, emotionally immature test audience to make these decisions for me.

 

This...Jar Jar Binks...intriques me!
This…Jar Jar Binks…intrigues me!

 

The movie Seven is a great example on how Tragedy in film works. Kevin Spacey’s serial killer character wins! His master plan is played out exactly how the character wanted. I was blown away by this the first time I saw Seven. I couldn’t believe Hollywood allowed this. It was a commercial and critical success. 

Now the movie The Devil’s Advocate is a great example of how Hollywood fucks great things up. At the end of the movie Keanu Reeves’s character blows his brains out to stop Satan’s, played by Al Pacino, plans. That should have been the end. That’s it! Roll credits! But no, instead we get this tacked on, obviously in post-production, ending explaining that none of the bad shit actually happened and it was just a test Satan was giving Reeves’s character. Well on the plus side we did get to see Keanu Reeves shoot himself.

 

2. Vampires

Hollywood, what have you done? I will never forgive you for this. This entry will be kept short and to the point, because I’m afraid of what made up profanities I would come up with if I allowed myself the time to write a complete paragraph.

Nosferatu featuring the Vampire Orlock, 1922

Nosferatu featuring the Vampire Orlock, 1922

 

 Fast forward almost 100 years…

 

Twilight featuring Vampires???, 2008

Twilight featuring Vampires???, 2008

 

No! No! No! Vampires are bloodthirsty undead creatures that stalk the night looking to kill your unsuspecting ass! They don’t play fucking baseball! They don’t shop at the Gap! And they most definitely DO NOT sparkle like fucking diamonds when exposed to sunlight! This is what happens when they are exposed to sunlight!

 

See! Not like diamonds at all is it?

See! Not like diamonds at all is it?

This trend of turning Vampires into emotionally plagued sympathetic creatures has actually been around a while now. I have no problem with a three dimensional Vampire character, I mean they were human once after all, but does it have to be in such a whiny, pity my sorry ass way? This trend really kicked into high gear with the movie Interview With the Vampire, which was based on Anne Rice’s best selling novel.

 

"Hello, I'm Anne Rice. Vampires are actually filled with loving rainbow colors."

"Hello, I'm Anne Rice. Vampires are actually filled with loving rainbow colors."

 

And it should have ended there. Fine, it was one unique take on the Vampire mythology. But, oh no, she had to start a trend and inspire others to follow in her footsteps. Naturally, Hollywood saw a chance to rake in the cash yet again by adapting Stephenie Meyer’s novel Twilight to the big screen.

 

"Hello, I'm Stephenie Meyer, I wasn't asked to Prom, so I wrote a book."

"Hello, I'm Stephenie Meyer. I wasn't asked to Prom, so I wrote a book."

 

My theory on how a Hollywood producers meeting goes when deciding to shoot a new Vampire movie:

Hollywood Pig#1: “I think it’s time for another Vampire movie.”

Hollywood Pig#2: “I saw a model shoot on the way over here. I’ll go get the van.”

 

For those of you who feel the way I do, I have your antidote right here!

 

Cassidy: Hard drinking, ass kicking, Irish Vampire bastard from the graphic novel Preacher!

Cassidy: Hard drinking, ass kicking, Irish Vampire bastard from the graphic novel Preacher!

 

 

1. Zombies

Surprise entry? The reason I ask this is because Hollywood hasn’t completely ruined Zombies…yet. After seeing Vampires de-balled, I can see what’s coming to my beloved Zombies.

 

l_02cb6492a9378e153e144b7b236f0c9a

 

Zombie movies have always been rather popular. Thanks to George Romero, and his classic film Night of the Living Dead, Zombies have earned their place as a classic movie monster. I mean how can you fuck up a Zombie movie? Well the foundation has already been set.

In a move that caused me to lose a lot of respect for the legend that is George Romero, he made smart Zombies. In his Zombie movie Land of the Dead he decided to add intelligence to his Zombies. They are able to use problem solving skills, recognize dangerous traps, and…use guns. That’s right, a Zombie learns to use a fucking gun! To me this cancels out the whole purpose of a Zombie. The reason Zombies are so scary are because they are non-thinking, savage, brain devouring machines. They may appear human, but all humanity is gone. In fact I’m pretty sure the reason brains are the main food source of Zombies is a metaphor for them craving what they lack. This trend of “humanizing” Zombies better stop before we get something like this.

 

"aarrrr...meat...grrr...is...blrrrr....murder."

"aarrrr...meat...grrr...is...blrrrr....murder."

 

Another thing that has bothered me in Hollywood’s evolution of the Zombie are their sudden and inexplicable agility and speed. I believe we first saw this in Danny Boyle’s excellent 28 days later.  I excused this because the “Zombies” in this film weren’t traditional Zombies at all. They were people afflicted with a virus, so they didn’t have to die and become a Zombie. BUT, it wasn’t too long after this that the remake of Dawn of the Dead came out.  

 

Aaaaand there off!!

Aaaaand they're off!!

 

Every Zombie in that film ran! Not only that, they ran at break neck speed! Hell, even the fat lady Zombie in the mall ran fast! What is the explanation for this? Were they all athletes before an unfortunate series of circumstances turned them into the living dead?? Fuck you Hollywood! This is yet another attempt to turn something I find awesome into a ultra-cool, hip, money making scheme. And we already know Hollywood will make anything if they thought it would rake in the dough.

 

Passion of the Christ 2: The Resurrection!

Passion of the Christ 2: The Resurrection!

 

Or how about this one?

 

This movie actually exists.

I think this movie actually exists.

 

Argh!! This makes me so mad I’m…grrrrr…changing…form….umph….to…Johnny Red!! AHAHAHAHAHA!! Team of Scientists assemble!!! If we can’t have our Zombies the way we like them then no one will!!!

NEXT WEEK: JOHNNY RED AND HIS TEAM OF SCIENTISTS VS. THE ZOMBIE APOCALYPSE!!!

 

Bonus Content:

 

John Michael Gagnon…AHAHAHA…Johnny Red

slideshow

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Posted on May 6, 2009, in Top 5's and tagged , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink. 36 Comments.

  1. I actually found a mixture of #2 and #1, it was a book on zombies falling in love. It was called “Breathers”, I only read about fifty pages (there was about 150-200). It sucked.

    My two pennies on zombies: I wouldn’t consider them bad, I also wouldn’t call them good though, it’s just been something that’s so tacked on now that I got over it. I also think that zombies should be able to slowly learn, like Dawn of the Dead; that was the perfect smart zombie, “he” only recognized things after months of specif training.

    Sorry this was so late, but I had to post it.

    • Thanks for the comments Shadowslayer. Have you read World War Z yet? I have to say I enjoyed every minute of it. There is a movie in the works but can’t imagine it would reach the scale the book did.

      • They are making a movie? Dang.
        When I read World War Z, I was 12, or something around there, I am still freaked out my that book today and I will still not touch it. When I finally had to go to sleep; I would listen to the fan outside my door, believing that the ticking kept the zombies at bay, when it finally righted itself, I had to turn the lights on. Even now there is a knife by my bed.

    • haha! The book is intense, but can’t find another in depth Zombie analaysis than that book. Keep on eye out for Monster Rebellion’s one year anniversary surprise sometime tomorrow.

  2. i’d dig a Preacher film….

  3. Danw of the Dead renake sucked soooooooooooo bad I was pissed that I spent the $6 & my time to see it!! VEGAN ZOMBIES though is HYSTERICAL!!!

  4. Preach on Brother ! Hollywood’s ” remake kick ” is beyond foolish . I am a huge reader of ficton , it’s not like there isn’t 1000’s of great novels out there for screenplays . Hollywood has it’s head so far up it’s it has become it’s own Mobius strip.Keep slaming thease fools. Your the best Don

  5. Since all originality in Hollywood has long since disappeared, John, you and your team of scientists will have to research ways to eradicate the hubris that continues to come off their assembly line. 🙂

  6. random thoughts, free association

    1. Marlon Wayans would only make it as GI Joe under the don’t ask don’t tell policy (you kids under the age of 28 who haven’t heard of this should google it for a laugh.)

    2. Stephanie Meyers: I’d totally tap that vampire ass (don’t ask me wh, mybe it’s all those cosmetics she wears from the Gap)

    3. My Teddy Ruxpin doll touched me inappropriately a long, long time ago and I still haven’t been able to forgive him.

  7. I totally agree with the zombie bastardization. Agile, fast, smart zombies? Next there will probably be a zombie movie where zombie falls for girl and girl sees true love underneath mask of death.

    Wait. Maybe we should just cash in too, we could totally film that.

    But really. Zombies were scary, as you said, because of their lack of humanity. BUT, we always knew we didn’t have to be too scared because they were really slow and dumb. Now that they run faster than Nigerian Olympians, shit, I’m scared. I want slow zombies back!

    • A zombie in love movie CAN work, only if it’s done in parody. “Shaun of the Dead” is one of my all time favorite movies for just that reason. Although it did still stay faithful to Zombie lore.

      I miss the days when you were safe from Zombies as long as a set of stairs were around. 😉

  8. Johnnyredd – you are one talented individual. Get the hell out of north bumfuck and let someone discover you….

    • Thanks for the compliment! I guess I figure if I’m writing on the Internet then I can be discovered wherever I live. Actually that’s a cop-out, I can’t even afford to visit outside of Northern Maine, let alone move. But we’ll see what happens with this blog experiment.

  9. Johnny Red will you marry me? FIND a publisher and remember me will you?

    • I would Marry you Tonia, but I have a strict no relationship policy. It takes too much time from my spiral into madness. 😉

      I thought for sure you would be mad at me over the Twilight bashing. lol!

      • Well dreamboat taco boy…the others made me smile so I forgave you the twilight bashing.

  10. I understand the “gnashing of your teeth” frustration with Hollywood’s new interpretations of our childhood favorites. But they are that, interpretations of our favorite movies made to arouse the retarded minds of todays youth. I’m not sure anything could “arouse” young ins minds these days, except electrocution!
    I truly hope that Madonna doesn’t crucify Casablanca, I hate Madonna. Doesn’t anybody remember how well she did in “Evita”. Good grief.
    So how could Hollywood recreate old favorite films without people complaining that it is exactly the same as the first rendition?

    • Madonna has already ruined Guy Ritchie’s career as a director. He used to be my favorite, and his movie “Snatch” is still my favorite movie of all time. Damn you Madonna!

  11. crystalnpeat

    WOW!! very impressive… A little disturbed by your rainbow brite/she-ra pic.. Only because, I’ve opened up a world of 80’s TV to my children, and this depiction makes mew feel very old… Plus.. I dont have a body like that!!! Completely agree w/ Hollywoods lame movie remakes. Couldn’t you just hole up in your moms basement and watch them all over again??!! You know what remake might be an improvement?? Teen Wolf!! I could think of a number of actors to portray the “Wolf” and family of course.. No mention of the “Army of Darkness/Evil Dead” flics… Hollywood better not even try to remake that one!! Now those were some good zombies!!!

    Im enjoying your blogs!! You make me laugh!!
    And I still call my family unit… “CLAN”
    xoxox
    Crystal!!!

    • Bad news Crystal. Ever since the success of Spiderman got to Sam Raimi’s head, he’s been talking about remaking Evil Dead WITHOUT Bruce Campbell. Pure blasphemy!!

  12. Right on with the zombies. I think the original Night of the Living Dead was the best. The end of that first movie even made a statement about racism.
    Voltron and Thundercats are in the works, not sure if its going to be CGI or live action though. At any rate somehow the Jonas Brothers will edge their way into the film or soundtrack thereby destroying your childhood fascination with a sword that grew longer when you screamed HOOOOO! and needed to beat something.
    Thanks to hollywood all vampires are now portrayed as boy toy GQ coverfreaks. Hmmm best vampire? Vincent Price yo.

    • LOL! On the Hoooo! thing.

      You’re right about the original Night of the Living Dead. The movie was about making a statement on racism, not just brain eating fun. If they made a Zombie movie where the Jonas Brothers were zombies and they got their heads caved in somehow…it’d watch that.

  13. Maybe vegan zombies will chase all the hippies and destroy their organic farms.

    I won’t be surprised if Hollywood decides to make Rainbow Brite or Care Bears movie.

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