Top 5 Previously Awesome Things Hollywood Has Ruined
I’ve been mulling the idea for this blog over in my head for a while now, but after what I witnessed the other night, I decided it had to be done. You see Hollywood and I have always had a love/hate relationship. But now it feels like Hollywood has put me in an abusive, unloving, kidnapping my childhood, raping it in a van, wrapping it in a blanket, and tossing it over a bridge type relationship. What exactly did I witness you ask? The “G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra” movie trailer. I will not do Hollywood the favor and post the trailer on this blog, but if you feel the need to be robbed blind of your childhood memories then google it. Those of you familar with my blog, “Top 5 Corruptions of Things I Onced Loved”, then you know the main problem I had with the “Transformers” movie. They are destroying the iconic imagery of our beloved characters!
5. My Adult Man Love of 80’s Toys
Eight years ago, while living in Portland, I performed an experiment. I found Transformers: The Movie at the Videoport. Nope, not the Michael “Eat a Dick” Bay version, but the full length animated version. I remembered how as a kid I couldn’t stop watching this movie. I thought it was the greatest thing ever, until puberty. So I wanted to find out if I thought it was as awesome today, as I thought it was as a kid. And do you know what I should have done? I should have put it back on the shelf. Because upon watching it again as an adult, I thought it was awful. Not as bad as Michael “I swear if I see you in the street I’ll kick you in the ballsack” Bay’s version, but pretty bad nonetheless. You see there is something about great childhood memories that should just stay there. I learned that lesson, but apparently Hollywood hasn’t. Hollywood believes that these iconic toys should grow up with us.
NO! Must resist! Fantasies aside, I want Hollywood to aknowledge the fact that by adding tons of CGI, explosions, semi-retarded actors who are easy on the eyes, is not gonna bring back the joy we all felt as children playing in the backyard with our favorite toys. There are now rumors of a Voltron movie in the works. I’m sure Thundercats, and He-Man are soon to follow. So I’m taking a stand right here and right now! I will not watch anymore of these abominations! I mean where will it end?!
4. The Classics:
Keep Your Greedy Hollywood Claws off of Them!
I’m gonna start this entry with an amusing story. Well it would be amusing if it wasn’t so tragic. I was google searching a funny image that would go with the insane idea of remaking Casablanca. I mean who would ever think that remaking Casablanca would be a good idea? It’s perposterous! You would have to be some kind of ego-maniacal, sadistic monster to think such a thing. Well…
That’s right folks, Madonna wants to remake possibly the greatest movie ever made, and cast herself in the lead female role that Ingrid Bergman played. Oh and to note, Ingrid Bergman played the role of Ilsa Lund when she was in her twenties.
My argument here is pretty much the same as the previous entry. What we consider Classic films, and I’m not just referring to your parents or grandparents black and white films they used to watch on the old talking, moving picture box, but any film that has generated a fan following because of it’s originality, uniqueness, or whatever reason applies, should NOT be remade. Who do these Hollywood producers and directors think they are? What makes them believe they can possibly make these films better? Something tells me they are only after one thing.
You see Hollywood has run out of ideas. It no longer has an original bone in their pig shaped bodies. We’ve already seen remakes of Psycho, The Texas Chainsaw Massacare, Halloween, Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, Planet of the Apes, Shaft, the list goes on and on. And coming in 2010 is the biggest slap in the face to movie goers. Well at least in mine.
3. The Art of Tragedy
One definition of Tragedy: a serious drama typically describing a conflict between the protagonist and a superior force (as destiny) and having a sorrowful or disastrous conclusion that elicits pity or terror.
Guess what, world? Bad shit happens every day. There’s horrible stuff happening as I type this, and very few of those horrible things are prevented at the last minute by some miracle or clever Hollywood writing. While most of us enjoy watching movies to help us escape reality and dealing with horrible things, it doesn’t mean films sometimes can’t show the tragedy of life. As a matter of fact Tragedy used to be quite popular, mostly due to this guy.
If any of you aren’t familar with Shakespeare’s works and are still struggling with the meaning of Tragedy, here’s another example that I find works well.
Before movie studios release their films into theaters they do a little thing called “test screening”. They gather together a small audience of viewers that are suppose to represent the general public. They allow this very small cross section to review the film and are then encouraged to give their input on how to make the film better. Do you know what the majority of the complaints are when a test screen audience isn’t happy with a film? That it’s not a happy film. Really? Are we as the human race that shallow? Do we actually believe that if we are not happy all the time then there is something wrong with us? Experience, good or bad, is there to help us grow and become confident individuals. We can deal with tragic, sad movies where the good guy doesn’t always win. I don’t need a semi-retarded, emotionally immature test audience to make these decisions for me.
The movie Seven is a great example on how Tragedy in film works. Kevin Spacey’s serial killer character wins! His master plan is played out exactly how the character wanted. I was blown away by this the first time I saw Seven. I couldn’t believe Hollywood allowed this. It was a commercial and critical success.
Now the movie The Devil’s Advocate is a great example of how Hollywood fucks great things up. At the end of the movie Keanu Reeves’s character blows his brains out to stop Satan’s, played by Al Pacino, plans. That should have been the end. That’s it! Roll credits! But no, instead we get this tacked on, obviously in post-production, ending explaining that none of the bad shit actually happened and it was just a test Satan was giving Reeves’s character. Well on the plus side we did get to see Keanu Reeves shoot himself.
Hollywood, what have you done? I will never forgive you for this. This entry will be kept short and to the point, because I’m afraid of what made up profanities I would come up with if I allowed myself the time to write a complete paragraph.
Fast forward almost 100 years…
No! No! No! Vampires are bloodthirsty undead creatures that stalk the night looking to kill your unsuspecting ass! They don’t play fucking baseball! They don’t shop at the Gap! And they most definitely DO NOT sparkle like fucking diamonds when exposed to sunlight! This is what happens when they are exposed to sunlight!
This trend of turning Vampires into emotionally plagued sympathetic creatures has actually been around a while now. I have no problem with a three dimensional Vampire character, I mean they were human once after all, but does it have to be in such a whiny, pity my sorry ass way? This trend really kicked into high gear with the movie Interview With the Vampire, which was based on Anne Rice’s best selling novel.
And it should have ended there. Fine, it was one unique take on the Vampire mythology. But, oh no, she had to start a trend and inspire others to follow in her footsteps. Naturally, Hollywood saw a chance to rake in the cash yet again by adapting Stephenie Meyer’s novel Twilight to the big screen.
My theory on how a Hollywood producers meeting goes when deciding to shoot a new Vampire movie:
Hollywood Pig#1: “I think it’s time for another Vampire movie.”
Hollywood Pig#2: “I saw a model shoot on the way over here. I’ll go get the van.”
For those of you who feel the way I do, I have your antidote right here!
Surprise entry? The reason I ask this is because Hollywood hasn’t completely ruined Zombies…yet. After seeing Vampires de-balled, I can see what’s coming to my beloved Zombies.
Zombie movies have always been rather popular. Thanks to George Romero, and his classic film Night of the Living Dead, Zombies have earned their place as a classic movie monster. I mean how can you fuck up a Zombie movie? Well the foundation has already been set.
In a move that caused me to lose a lot of respect for the legend that is George Romero, he made smart Zombies. In his Zombie movie Land of the Dead he decided to add intelligence to his Zombies. They are able to use problem solving skills, recognize dangerous traps, and…use guns. That’s right, a Zombie learns to use a fucking gun! To me this cancels out the whole purpose of a Zombie. The reason Zombies are so scary are because they are non-thinking, savage, brain devouring machines. They may appear human, but all humanity is gone. In fact I’m pretty sure the reason brains are the main food source of Zombies is a metaphor for them craving what they lack. This trend of “humanizing” Zombies better stop before we get something like this.
Another thing that has bothered me in Hollywood’s evolution of the Zombie are their sudden and inexplicable agility and speed. I believe we first saw this in Danny Boyle’s excellent 28 days later. I excused this because the “Zombies” in this film weren’t traditional Zombies at all. They were people afflicted with a virus, so they didn’t have to die and become a Zombie. BUT, it wasn’t too long after this that the remake of Dawn of the Dead came out.
Every Zombie in that film ran! Not only that, they ran at break neck speed! Hell, even the fat lady Zombie in the mall ran fast! What is the explanation for this? Were they all athletes before an unfortunate series of circumstances turned them into the living dead?? Fuck you Hollywood! This is yet another attempt to turn something I find awesome into a ultra-cool, hip, money making scheme. And we already know Hollywood will make anything if they thought it would rake in the dough.
Or how about this one?
Argh!! This makes me so mad I’m…grrrrr…changing…form….umph….to…Johnny Red!! AHAHAHAHAHA!! Team of Scientists assemble!!! If we can’t have our Zombies the way we like them then no one will!!!
NEXT WEEK: JOHNNY RED AND HIS TEAM OF SCIENTISTS VS. THE ZOMBIE APOCALYPSE!!!
John Michael Gagnon…AHAHAHA…Johnny Red