Tom Waits Would Fuck You Up!: Metallica

Metallica, Metallica, Metallica. Where to begin.




Metallica is being inducted into the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame. Personally, I don’t know if they deserve it. Yes they have been a huge success in the past and have sold millions of records, but I’m of the mindset that quantity, doesn’t always, in fact rarely, equals quality.  

Now before I go into my rant, I have to say a few things. I used to love Metallica. They are very talented. As musicians they have done some pretty amazing stuff in their time. I can’t criticize them for that. The best I’ve ever been able to do musically is carry a tune on a blues harp. In fact I remember being laughed out of the school Band. But don’t worry, I took care of them good!


Who's first chair now, mother fuckers!!

Who's first chair now, mother fuckers!!


Oh, and I know that I’m suppose to tear bands apart by making fun of their lyrics. Well, this is only my second blog under this category and I’m already amending the rules. Deal with it.

Now I need everyone reading this to understand that when I really get into a band, buy all their albums, and believe their awesomeness could rival the power of Gods, then I like to research as much as I can about them. No, I’m not a paparazzi stalker type, but I like to read up on their influences, history as a band, what motivates them, etc. It’s important for me to do this. Who they are as people are as important to me as the music. And that’s why it breaks my heart to have to call Metallica out on their douchebag behavior.

Really? Pose all you want I don't think you're scary.

Really? Pose all you want I don't think you're scary.


Ok, we’re gonna start with the most talked about, and obvious Douchebag moment Metallica has done. They sued their own fucking fans!!! You see back in the year 2000 a little music sharing program called Napster had hit it big. Free music to download and share. It was great. Until I did something that raised a demon in Metallica drummer Lars Ulrich and he got me banned from Napster. Yep I was one of the guys who got kicked off of Napster. I downloaded a song to my computer from a Metallica album that I had…ALREADY FUCKING BOUGHT A CASSETTE OF!  That’s right, I bought a cassette of Metallica for the tape deck in my truck, and rather than buy the same album again on CD I figured why not just download the album and burn it. I had the right didn’t I? They already got their money from me once. Well apparently they didn’t think so and neither did the staff at Napster who told me in an e-mail that their hands were tied on the issue. Well guess what Metallica? I haven’t bought an album of your since, and I’m sure many former fans haven’t either.

Lars Ulrich went so far as to make this promotional video to explain how Metallica is badass and awesome for their decision to sue Napster and their fans. I dare you to try and not give yourself a self-labotomy as you watch Lars “fake” cool, and Marlon Wayons provide his “genius” comedic stylings.

Lars doesn’t like it when you “share”. “Sharing” is ruining his career and he is now forced to whore himself out to make up for all the money we’ve apparently stolen from him. But boy I remember a time when Metallica was just getting big, and people were generating a buzz about them. Oh! You know how they got so popular back in the early eighties? BY FANS SHARING AND CIRCULATING THEIR MIX TAPES!! That’s right they wouldn’t have even made a blip on the radar if dedicated fans hadn’t copied and shared their music. I hope you always remember that it was the fans that made you Metallica.

Kiss my ass, you little hobbit of a man.

Kiss my ass, you little hobbit of a man.


“It’s already all over Napster. Go check it out. I don’t hate Napster, in fact I think that it’s good that we have four songs that are on there right now.”-Dave Mustaine of Megadeth commenting on file sharing.

Speaking of Dave Mustaine, let’s talk about Metallica’s treatment of their former band members. Dave Mustaine of Megadeth, my favorite metal band ever, was a founding member of Metallica but was kicked out before they even released their first album. He was booted out of the band because he drank too much. Really? The self-promoted “heaviest and most badass metal band ever” had to kick Mustaine out because he drank too much? That doesn’t sound too badass Metallica. But it’s all good because Mustaine created Metallica’s rival in Megadeth. The two bands were neck and neck throughout the 80’s and early 90’s until Metallica took the lead by becoming corporate rock whores.

Megadeth: The cure to your Metallica

Megadeth: The cure to your Metallica


I felt Dave Mustaine did an amazing thing once he was booted out of  Metallica. He sobered up enough to create one of the greatest metal bands in history, and always seemed to be somewhat respectful of Metallica, although I’m sure there were times he was angry about it. I wonder how Metallica handled their former friend/founder/bandmate’s success? Well let’s see how James Hetfield reacts to hearing Megadeth’s first major hit “Symphony of Destruction.”



You’re damn right James, Dave Mustaine is a great song writer. So much in fact that I believe Mustaine is responsible for Metallica’s first few albums being as badass and heavy as they were. You see Dave Mustaine wrote a lot of the lyrics and music in those first albums Metallica released. It’s true you can even check the credits on the albums. Which leads to my theory that after all of Dave Mustaine’s “contributions” to Metallica, that they just ran out of quality music. Maybe that’s why after Metallica’s black album, everything seemed to go downhill.

Long story short, it took almost 20 years before Dave Mustaine got a chance to speak his mind to the members of Metallica. In the Metallica documentary Some Kind of Monster, which I recommend you watch if you want to see how to systematically dismantle a band, Lars and Dave sat down for a chat. James Hetfield was also supposed  to be there as well, but for some reason didn’t show up. I know the clip is a little long but trust me it’s worth it to watch Lars STILL try to make everything about himself.



Dave, don’t feel bad about being number two to Metallica. You’re not in my eyes. Besides being number one doesn’t mean you’re the best. George W. Bush was once the most powerful man in the world, but fuck that guy. I also really want Dave Mustaine to understand that he has done great things and as the master of the “Spider Chord” I believe he’s surpassed Metallica. In fact Megadeth has remained consistent in their sound to this day.

Now a little test. Metallica released the album St. Anger after they finished filming that documentary. The album was bashed by critics and fans. About a year later Megadeth released The System Has Failed. The following are two samples from each album. If you have the time listen to both tracks and tell me which album is keeping to the roots of what metal music is, and which album sounds better produced.



Another interesting event that took place while filming Some kind of Monster, was the sudden departure of long time Metallica bassist Jason Newsted. From the stories circulating it had a lot to do with Metallica not doing true metal anymore, to being angry that the band had to hire a therapist to help them record their album, to James Hetfield telling him he couldn’t work on his side project EchoBrain while still playing with Metallica, etc.

Jason Newsted quit the band and called them a bunch of homos. He really did.

"Homos!" He's pointing at Metallica.

"Homos!" He's pointing at Metallica.


Now let’s see Lars Ulrich ham it up in front of the camera when asked about why Jason Newsted left the band. There is something about Lars that just reeks fake.



“When did we turn into the bad guys?” Well Lars it might have to do with bullshit like this.

Nope...still not scaring me Lars.

Nope...still not scaring me Lars.


Or this…


James Hetfield and Metal Music: You're doing it wrong.

James Hetfield and Metal Music: You're doing it wrong.


Well that’s about enough ranting and raving for one night. Hey, Tom Waits! Are you ready to send these guys out to pasture? What? You’re gonna let Megadeth fuck them up this week? Alright you’re the boss Tom. Dave Mustaine, why don’t you Spider Chord their sell out, washed up, fan insulting, disrespectful asses!


John Michael Gagnon…”Life’s fabric is corrupt. Shot through with corroded thread”…Johnny Red


Posted on May 19, 2009, in Tom Waits Would Fuck You Up! and tagged , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink. 21 Comments.

  1. The main reason why metallica are still in buisness today one can see in the total lack of intelligence on the side of their fans.The reputation they ‘ve gained in the eighties has been totally destroyed by the crapp they’ve released throughout the last two decades, at least for everybody who can think.Now they are just a couple of more greedy, ugly and fatassed buisnessman ond nobody with a brain cell in his head gives a shit about them.

  2. In fairness I prefer Metallica over Megadeth. I don’t hate Dave Mustaine or anything I just prefer Metallica’s music.
    I saw that you used a clip of hetfield mocking Mustaine but in fairness Mustaine has done plenty of impressions of Lars (They are actually hilarious)

    I think the main person who fucked up Metallica was Lars. Now I am one of few people who like both load and reload so let me rephrase that. I think Lars is the person who made Metallica lose sight of what their musical objectives were.
    I think that he and Bob Rock had a little money making thing going and the other guys just let them at it. I remember reading that Lars wanted to call “Enter Sandman” “Enter Death” or something but Bob Rock said death doesnt sell.

    I’m not saying that James is innocent but I certainly dont think he deserves the hatred that is directed at Lars.

    To sum up this comment; Lars is an asshole.
    The rest of the guys are fine. (in my book)
    Dave Mustaine is a cool guy.

  3. larry ness of tacoma WA







  4. larry ness of tacoma WA

    the actual reason newsted quit was because metallica was at a stand still with there album and he didn’t like not performing.

    dave mustaine is a talented artist, but i prefer metallica. (old metallica at least)

    i had this hate for mustaine ever since i realized he ripped off a riff from call of ktulu.

    if you don’t know about it, the go listen to hanger 18 and then call of ktulu, you’ll hear it.

    dave mustaine also only had part in writing some of the songs on “Kill em’ All”.

    he had nothing to do with many classics off of Ride the Lightning, Master of Puppets, or …And Justice for All.

    but i do agree that there pretty much nothing but corporate whores now. didn’t like anything after …And Justice for All.
    (aside from the live shit binge and purge, and garage days revisited)

    saw this blog, thought id put my two cents in there


    • Thanks for the comments dude! I’m always open for a reasonable dialogue. And yes, KEEP METAL ALIVE!

    • Dave Mustaine had a hand in “Ride the Lightning” as well.
      Mustaine is on the credits for ‘Call of Ktulu’, so i don’t think he ripped off any riff from that song.

  5. FUCK OFF!

  6. hey john,
    just for the hell of it, i googled monster rebellion and what came up? your metallica blog! I was so excited that I had to tell you! Ha ha! too awesome!

  7. OH YEAH And Metallica does SUCK now

  8. OK SO I AGREE BUT Look I ALWAYS thought that Dave Mustaine was such a CRY ASS!! Shit happens. People Suck. Dickheads are EVERY WHERE! Suck it up, deal with it & GET BETTER THAN THE ASSHOLES WHO FUCKED you over 😉

    • Well to be honest I think Mustaine’s issue was mainly with the fact that these guys were his best friends. Sucks when best friends sorta stab you in the back, and then ridicule you in public, and then not talk to you for almost 20 years. BUT I believe he did get better.

      • People SUCK! BUT instead of doing all the wah wah shit on TV he should have just done it. Sorry the cry ass shit in front of the world just DOES NOT pass with me anymore 🙂

    • Thank you Johnny B. I think it’s funny that when I bashed Bon Jovi everyone loved it. They wanted me to go after Nickelback, and Goo Goo Dolls, etc. BUT when I mention Metallica it got quiet all over my facebook and on this blog. lol!

  9. I myself am a big Metallica fan, and they truly have lost sight of the difference that they originally set out to make in the music industry. That’s why I only listen to their old stuff and haven’t bought any albums released after Metallica a.k.a the Black Album. Good writing!!!!

    • I agree 100%. Really I loved their old stuff, and took a chance on their “Load” album, but that was the last one. Jason Newsted also said they had lost sight of what Metallica was suppose to be about.

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