Tom Waits Would Fuck You Up!: Chad Kroeger of Nickelback

Hey! Hey Chad Kroeger! Yeah, I’m talking to you Poodle head! Guess what?!




Well now that I’ve gotten my ten or so years of frustration with Metallica out of my system, hopefully for good, it’s time to target a more universally hated douchebag. Chad Kroeger, who’s actual name is Chad Turton, pfft! dork, is one of those rock star douchebags who seems hell bent on destroying himself and his self-image. I hope he succeeds one day.


I bet they called him Chad Turdton in grade school.

I bet they called him Chad "Turd"ton in grade school.

 Chad Kroeger isn’t a rock star.Chad Kroeger is a rock star cliche’. The horrible music, which basically all sounds the same, the ridiculous hair, his douchebag behavior, all add to my arguement.  You see Chad Kroeger is over twenty years too late to try and live the rock star lifestyle he’s been living. Let’s start with the first cliche’.

Rock Star Cliche’ #1

In 2006 Chad Kroeger was pulled over and arrested in Surrey, British Columbia for speeding and driving while under the influence of alcohol in his………Ferrari.


Chad Kroeger: Still not as cool as Tom Selleck!

Chad Kroeger: Still not as cool as Tom Selleck!


And to make matters worse, in typical douchebag fashion, he decided to take the police officers who arrested him to court for “illegally” giving him a field sobriety test. Well the results of the test proved he was above the legal limit. The judge threw his case out, while probably laughing at him in the process. Why couldn’t Chad Kroeger just accept he broke the law, paid the fine, and filmed one of those late 80’s – early 90’s public service announcements? That’s what the rock stars in the 80’s did Chad! I hope you’re taking notes.


Rock Star Cliche’ #2 

You know when a rock star is trying too hard to be cool when they feel the need to create a sort of modus operandi. They want something that will stick in their fan’s heads. Something that becomes synonymous with themselves. Basically a gimmick. In the following series of pics I want the readers of this blog to try and figure out what that gimmick is.









I know it's hard to see what it is. It's very subtle and not at all cliche'.

I know it's hard to see what it is. It's very subtle and not at all cliche'.




Do you guys give up yet?

Do you guys give up yet?




His medieval arm bands give him +2 Douchebaggery

His medieval arm bands give him +2 Douchebaggery




HE THROWS UP THE HORNS LIKE HE INVENTED IT!! Really? Is that the best you can do Chad Kroeger? Ok I’m gonna give you a chance to redeem yourself. Try something else. Anything!





Rock Star Cliche’ #3

You know what really annoys me? When celebrities decide to rally behind some cause that they are completely and utterly ineffectual at changing. One of my favorite examples is Pamela Anderson. She wants you to be a vegetarian, like she doesn’t eat meat *wink wink*, she wants to save the whales, save the seals, save all the animals, save the trees, save the fucking world! Is there anything she won’t rally behind?


Oh, for fuck's sake. Hey Pamela! Why don't you Save your Vagina! Because that thing must be spent!

Oh, for fuck's sake. Hey Pamela! Why don't you Save your Vagina?! Because that thing must be spent!


Well Chad Kroeger and Nickelback are no different. Perhaps they chose the following cause to help improve their image, perhaps their management team decided it would boost record sales? Well for whatever reason, they chose to rally behind this.


They seem very passionate about their contribution to this cause.

They seem very passionate about their contribution to this cause.


That’s right! Chad Kroeger and Nickelback don’t want anymore landmines. It must be hard being a rock star and having to avoid the countless landmines that riddle your pathways. They must have to deal with landmines on a daily basis for them to make t-shirts to express their outrage about them. Sarcasm aside, unless I see a picture or a video of Chad Kroeger on his hands and knees in some middle eastern desert, digging out landmines himself, then Chad Kroeger and Nickelback should probably just shut the fuck up on this issue.


This brings me joy.

This brings me joy.


Rock Star Cliche’ #4

Noah Morse, a furniture sales representative,  is suing Chad Kroeger for, “forcefully punching him in the face” outside a Vancouver nightclub. Yep, my final rock star cliche’ for this blog has to with Chad Kroeger going the Axl Rose route and assaulting the common folk. Chad Kroeger seems to have all his bases covered doesn’t he? Now what may you ask caused this altercation? What could Noah Morse possibly have done to cause Chad Kroeger to beat this man so bad he may need surgery? Apparently all Noah Morse said was, “Nickelback sucks”, as he saw Chad Kroeger leave the nightclub.

If I were Noah Morse I would sue Chad Kroeger for not only the punch to the face, but for nearly 10 years of assault to my ear drums as well. And you might think Noah Morse is a pansy, or should be too embarassed to make a public spectacle of the punch to the face. But I think he did the right thing. In fact, if I said Nickelback sucks and Chad Kroeger came after me, I would let him beat the holy hell out of me! I’d let him tune me up real good. Because every punch that hit my body would make a “ka-ching!” sound.

I couldn’t find any good pictures to go with this cliche’ entry, so I decided to include my all time favorite SNL digital short, “Punched in the face before eating.” I suggest you watch because it has two of my favorite things ever. Zombies, and Jon Bon Jovi getting punched in the face.



Now it’s time to get down to business. Lyrical dismantling of Nickelback’s “Next Contestant” for you’re reading pleasure. I didn’t include any funny pics, because honestly there is nothing funny about what this megalomaniac is singing about, however I will comment after each verse.


I judge by what she’s wearing
Just how many heads I’m tearing
Off of assholes coming on to her
Each night seems like it’s getting worse
And I wish she’d take the night off
So I don’t have to fight off
Every asshole coming on to her
It happens every night she works
They’ll go and ask the DJ
Find out just what would she say
If they all tried coming on to her
Don’t they know it’s never going to work
They think they’ll get inside her
With every drink they buy her
As they all try coming on to her
This time somebody’s getting hurt

Here comes the next contestant

Soooo, you’re admitting to the world, through a song, that millions of people are going to listen to, that you indeed are dating and/or stalking a stripper. Classy, Chad Kroeger.


Is that your hand on my girlfriend?
Is that your hand?
I wish you’d do it again
I’ll watch you leave here limping
I wish you’d do it again
I’ll watch you leave here limping
There goes the next contestant

Imagine you not only hit on Chad Kroeger’s stripper girlfriend, but ALSO said Nickelback sucks? He would literally murder you!


I even fear the ladies
They’re cool but twice as crazy
Just as bad for coming on to her
Don’t they know it’s never going to work
Each time she bats an eyelash
Somebody’s grabbing her ass
Everyone keeps coming on to her
This time somebody’s getting hurt

Here comes the next contestant

He seems to have an unhealthy obsession with this stripper. You know they say that date rape most often occurs when alcohol is involved. I believe date rape most often occurs when Chad Kroeger’s involved.

And finally…


I’m hating what she’s wearing
Everybody here keeps staring
Can’t wait ’til they get what they deserve
This time somebody’s getting hurt

You hate what she’s wearing Chad Kroeger? Don’t worry soon she’ll be wearing nothing, as strippers are known to do, and if I was there I’d make sure you saw me tongue pass a twenty dollar bill to her before buying her a shot.


Tom Waits, why don’t you show Chad Kroeger how to warm up the ladies, AND take rejection in a mature sensible manner.



John Michael Gagnon…You lose some, you win some…Johnny Red


Posted on May 28, 2009, in Tom Waits Would Fuck You Up! and tagged , , , , . Bookmark the permalink. 76 Comments.

  1. Why can’t she be a bartender?

  2. I’m not that much of a internet reader to be honest but
    your blogs really nice, keep it up! I’ll go ahead and bookmark your site to come back in the future. All the best

  3. Rhiannon Fowler


  4. Sounds to me like someone’s a Little jealous of Chad! Is it because he don’t give a f@ck about you as he laughs ALL the way to the bank? At least he doesn’t make a living bashing other people as you do. Just sayin..

    • I don’t make a living doing this, it’s out of the kindess of my own heart.

      • Rhiannon Fowler

        Kindness of your own heart My ass. Only Jealous dipshits make fun of people. You moron, Chad Kroeger has more taent in his pinky finger than you do in your whole body.

  5. He’s very talented, and good looking.
    I can’t see why you hate him/them at all!
    Your such an idiot-.0

    • Chad Kroeger has no talent, he is a was up has been that never has been. His voice sounds like he should have a phallus shoved down his throat! The only people that like Chad Kroeger are fat chicks, young boys and the moms of these aforementioned beings. Bravo to you Johnny Red im only disappointed you weren’t a little harder on the guy! Oh and just so all you nickleback fans out there know, he doesn’t give a flying fuck about you, nor does he about landmines! It takes a lot more than wearing a god damned t shirt to do something about landmines. Oh boy so he probably gave money to some charity. Good for him. He’s still a fake, bitch, faggot, and always will be, and he is only getting worse with age. To all you mothers out there that let their kids listen to nickleback. Why dont you give them something with a little backbone like a healthy dose of Pantera, or some Tool! Make them listen to things that spurs creative, individual, thought process. Not turn them into mindless fucking zombies who want to do nothing but get as drunk as they can and suck a bunch of dicks, Thank you. Brendon White

      • Rhiannon Fowler

        Wow….. I have never heard so much false ass fke shit in my life. Ya ignorant moron You Just need to grow a pair an realize that he is better than you. And that Dipshts like who insult others make it now were in life, as i said grow a pAIR YOU SS MONKEY

      • Rhiannon Fowler


    • If you don’t like someone you must be jealous, a loser, or both. So I guess everyone on earth is a jealous loser because everyone probably dislikes at least one person. Including you fuckers. This whole damn thing was beautiful and if you morons are going to get offended by a post on the Internet DON’T GO ON THE INTERNET. Nickelback is a hated band for a reason. It’s not like people just decided to get together and hate on them. Nickel back sucks don’t act all enlightened cause you fans appreciate their “music” or can see past chad’s douchebagery. If you are “offended” in any way by this then just leave. Simple as that.

    • You’re blind and deaf.

  6. missnickelback 123

    you douch you are mean now let me tell you i love nickelback and if you think for one moment chad sucks he dosent ok you are a big meanie thats all you are and you suck hows that huh well see how it feels i am making a website to post things about how you suck oh and ps you neeed to read this………………………………………..
    NICKELBACK lovers will not be shot
    NICKELBACK haters will be shot (not by me cuz i just cant do that thoe) if you are a nickelback lover go to all thoese nickelback sucks songs and post the thing above about nickelback haters

  7. I wouldn’t want to take away your . . . fill in the blank, because this is all you have. You have been amusing. After that ppl like you aren’t very much at all, oh yeah what do you do? Cut ppl down? Thanks for a good laugh.

  8. lolol- thank you so much for this!!! it’s the truth that’s said in a funny way. and wow, last time i checked, a blog was for voicing opinions. i guess that some “intelligent”, “good-girl”, and “hot” doctors aren’t actually smart enough to realize that….?

  9. Hah this is actually kinda funny…dear?? Sweet heart??? I’m a doctor and attractive and this has nothing to do with what I’m saying I just wanted to let you know >_>

  10. hey johnnyredd:

    I’m a good girl, I’m a grown-up girl, I’m a doctor, I’m a mom, I’m still pretty hot… AND I’m a Nickelback fan, and, yes, ergo, a Chad Kroeger fan. Thus, I’m forced to echo a lot of the others and asked: Why does it bother you so much that a pretty talented guy (yes, he IS, johnny; he’s got a truly f-ing great voice, and his guitar playing is pretty darned good) who has worked very hard, and been rewarded with commercial success doesn’t live up to your image of what a rock star should be? And, btw, what the f… is that image?? Have you never transgressed, Dear?? Not once? Well, good for you. I sure hope whomever it is that floats your boat, music-wise, doesn’t fuck up. God help ’em.
    And, Jesus, anyone that wants to held rid the world of landmines… well, all the power to ’em! What have you done lately, Sweetheart?

    • Not-Berkeley Boy

      Wow. I guess Berkeley doesn’t teach you when to properly use whom. I’m guessing you were just trying to sound intelligent. It didn’t work. Also, why all the dears and sweethearts? It is really creepy. Are you trying to be condescending? I guess Berkeley didn’t teach you how to do that either. See, that’s how you condescend.

  11. There is so much wrong with this website. First of all Nickelback dosent suck, their awesome! Their music and guitar solos and chads voice is so amazing. Second, brother you shouldnt be calling anyone a douchebag ugly as you look. pleez tell me thats not your profile pic, for the sake of the ladies that actually wasted their time to look at your website, pleezz take that pic down becuz u look like the biggest douche bag on earth!!! Third, just becuz nickelback wants to support a cause like landmines dosent mean their deuchebags. you should be happy there supporting a cause. Anyways no one should care what u say because nickelback is successful and have more fans than u have on this blog. He also is making more money than you could ever imagine! your a complete idiot and i have just wasted my time thanks 2 u

    • This comment made my day

    • Not-Berkeley Boy

      Yes, because if someone is making more money than you, it immediately means their superior. Bernie Madoff would love you! I have to say, reading all the comments from the Nickelback supporters has been great. Their absolute stupidity (seriously, Jordan19, how long has the existence of the comma eluded you?) perfectly explains why their fans of this asshole’s music. Also, I love how everyone is talking about how people shouldn’t say bad things about Chad because he is more successful. Really? He plays a guitar and writes shitty songs. I would rather be strapped to a chair and forced to listen to Chad’s “personal” lyrics than be successfully if that is the definition. Just kidding. I would never rather do that.

  12. Lulz, you couldn’t have done a better job on this blog. I hate Chad with a passion. Here I thought Jared Leto was a douche. I mean, I was right about that part too, but I’m debating which of the two have acquired more douchebaggery in their lives to display to this poor world.

  13. Annonymouslycool

    sadgal A.K.A ALICIACREATURE A.K.A. Lora,
    okay, this has to be said here since since there is no other way to tell you
    1) ur crazy
    2) u have problems
    3) you need help
    4) have you ever thought about therapy, self-mutilation, or even suicide for your psychoticness?

  14. Annonymouslycool

    You fucking dumbass. He doesn’t have a fucking Ferrari! He was driving a 1999 Lambourgini Diablo. Besides that, your just dissing Chad and Nickelback with this stupid fucking blog because you don’t have the fucking balls to get off your lazy ass and say it to their face! I hope you rot in hell dumbass!

  15. Well… THIS made my morning. I can’t stand their ‘music,’ personalities, hair, attitudes, etc. Just a bunch of assholes who somehow managed to find an audience in a bunch of meat-headed guys and clearly brainless women.

  16. I can’t prove this, & it makes little difference anyway, because Chad is neither ever going to live up to the “promises” that he made on Dark Horse, nor even at least do the right thing & tell the world who he wrote those songs for & about. I’m only saying this because it’s anonymous, & I want it out there in cyberspace in case something happens to me (a likely scenario because I’m a very self destructive person). A million years ago, Chad Kroeger saw me on ECTV, & he also read things that I wrote out on my channel about my life. I’ve always loved Nickelback (although I understandably feel differently now that Chad Kroeger is sharing his life & bed with a woman other than me). I bought Dark Horse & got chills when I heard the songs on it. I wrote To Chad, but I never (of course) got a reply back from him (hence the reason why I would NEVER be foolish enough to say anything to anybody WHOM I DIDN’T KNOW about this).
    I told Chad that I would be at a certain bar. One of Nickelback’s band members talked to me at this bar & made a reference to something I’d written to Chad (via Nickelback’s myspace account). This of course caused me (the naive fool who would never commit suicide but who is truly ambiguous when it comes to her desire to live or not) to BELIEVE that Chad did write all those songs on Dark Horse for & about me. I sent to Chad about 1000 short & long letters in 10 month’s time, until I finally realized that I’d been fkd with for some unknown reason. Chad may very well have written those songs like “Gotta Be Somebody” & “You’re Never Gonna Be Alone” about his IDEALIZED me, but (deep down) he’s a Rock Star who loves his freedom & lifestyle. I think he must have realized that he could never be with me (the real woman).
    I “labeled” Chad Kroeger EVIL, because what Chad did to me by having Daniel speak to me made me FALSELY believe that Chad LOVED me & would save me. But the truth is that I know (deep down) I couldn’t be with Chad anyway. I should have known this (based on all the terrible, TRUE things people say about his bad behavior) from the start, but Chad’s a “weird” one. Chad does mean, cruel, CRUDE things, yet writes beautiful LOVE ballads & songs like “Savin Me”. Chad Kroeger is a PUZZLE…

    Read more:

  17. I love Nickelback, but come on this is funny shit. People need not to take themselves so serious.

    • Thank you Wabawoo! I also noticed that none of these Nickelback supporters said anything about the other artists I trashed. lol

  18. I like nickelback. I think you’re jealouse or some bullcrap like that. I don’t see anything wrong with them not wanting Landmines, and from what I can see, I like his hair just fine. The song “next contestent”, is not a bad song, and how do you know he wrote it, and if he did, how do you know it’s based off real life? Put yourself in his shoes. U just performed in front of fans, and your having a good night, but then someone shoots down your work by saying your band sucks. U’ve worked SUPER hard to learn the music and to play your guitar, and you’ve learned the lyrics, and you’ve practiced this for a long time, then some one tells u u suck. You may or may not punch them, but you’d certainly be pissed. It’s not like the rock out horn sign thing whatever its called is patented. He can use it if he wants. Jeez. If you had a horrible last name, and you were famous, would you really want to keep it??? i don’t care if you don’t like Nickelbacks music, but that doesn’t mean you need to hate everyone who plays that kind of music. Really? Wow, dude. you need help. Seriously. Get a life.
    ya know what, when you can play guitar as good as him, devolope a REALLY good voice, be totally hot, find other people who will help, get a record label, and perform live in front of millions of people, u can make fun of him, but until then, he’s done more than you have, and u should respect him.

    • I didn’t know being “totally hot” qualified you as a talented original artist. If that’s the case then I must be one as well.

      • No…He’s totally hot. Your not. And he can play guitar REALLY well, sing REALLY well, perform in front of ALOT of people, and get a record label. He’s done WAY more than you have in his life.

      • I’m totally hotter than poodlehead.

      • Is that the only thing you got from all the things she wrote??


      Why do you find joy in bringing artisits like Nickelback and Metallica down? I don’t see the fun in that but… whatever floats your boat ass hole.

    • How in the world do you see these atrocities as ‘decent’ or even ‘good’ musicians?? Playing three little cowboy chords from a book in every song in different order? Writing bullshit, lowest common denominator lyrics? Example: Nickelback over the stereo: …’and I’m drunk in a bar with my friends and couple girls…’
      Drunk d-bag: ‘Whoa, this band is great – that’s just how I feel, too!!’
      They have never written anything with any substance WHATSOEVER – they are basically shitting out drivel and you people are slopping it up like a bunch of ignorant sheep. Guaranteed, 9 out of 10 of the people defending Nickelback don’t even know who Tom Waits is – THAT’S the real tragedy here.

  19. And “Next Contestant” is an awesome song!

  20. You know “johnnyredd” I think you actually jelous of Chad Kroeger and NICKELBACKs success. Its not that you hate them its that you can’t stand how succesful they are and will continue to be. Maybe you wanted a career in music once but sucked worse then you say Chad does,and didn’t get it? You obvisoly have NO life if you have enough time to do all this.NCIKELBACK is without a doubt that best rock band ever. Saw them 4/24/10 in Tulsa,OK and they totally rocked!!!

  21. You trash someone’s work and life anymously on a web site…That really shows your high standards.Where is your personal bio so we can judge your life’s work and high standards of morality. This was a cowardly way of expressing yourself and it was not a bit funny.

    • Anonymously? That’s how you spell it by the way. My entire life is on this blog, and the many people who know me, who are fans of my blog site, know why it’s funny.

      Funny how it always seems to be the fans of these artists that take the most offense. Admit it. If I was trashing someone else then you wouldn’t give a shit would you?


  22. The only good part of that was the jovi full recovery 😛

  23. If you’re spending so much time bashing Chad and Nickelback, it truthfully says you like them.

    • Actually that’s not true at all, and can’t understand the logic you are using. Also, I didn’t spend much time at all. Took me about an hour to write that blog.

      • Good for you! -_- You’re fast at bashing. Wasted Time.
        You can’t understand my logic because you’re not epic enough. Sorry dude. 😀

  24. I get that it’s a comedy site…and that’s why im confused. I found it offensive instead of funny. Mayb it’s just me!? lol. And who doesn’t have creepy, fuct up shit in their head. He just has the balls to put it out there where everyone then can play god and judge. those lyrics are hotttt!

    i am looking forward to the next one of these. waiting to see if i lol 🙂

  25. I thought that those comments were mean and i didn’t find anything funny about them at all. i don’t get it?? am i missing something?? Mayb if u feel so strongly about chad u should just write him a letter and let him know. Suggesting that someone is a rapist seems pretty harsh and hoping that one day he will succeed in destroying himself. i would assume that the unltimate in self destruction would b suicide?? WTF Johnny red, that’s just not right. Keep the honesty and morality alive…….

    b kind

  26. Hey just like to say that is all bullshit except da part hime punching dat person getting arrested while drink driving and all dat shit but you don’t say shit like dat man.
    To be seriously honest I went to their concert in New Zealand here and they were sooo fuckin awesome
    You no one of the best concerts I have ever been to!
    Chad Kroeger is really KOOL in real life. aBut most of the shit in da magazines and web are rumour and all bullshit.
    I am a big fan of NICKELBACK atleast they have got somewhere in life and not like all the other useless bands and celebs. Except for Bon Jovi I like him aswell

  27. Thanks for the entertainment, John. Working overnights are much more pleasurable when I have something good to read:)

    • you’re welcome Tina! I’m trying to get in the habit of posting something at least three times a week. I get brain drain after awhile though.

  28. I have to agree with K on the “drive” comment. I will admit,when Nickelback first became big, I did enjoy them. But now as soon as I hear them start playing on Sirius radio on my morning commute, I change stations. I feel like its basically the same shit, different day in Nickelback’s world.

  29. Read this during the wee hours of the morning, and while it was eerily quiet in the neighborhood, I was laughing hysterically. Thanks again, John.

    ***When they come get him to disarm all those landmines he so passionate about, he’ll probably write a “great” song about it! 🙂

  30. Am I the only one who immediately drew a comparison to White Goodman from Dodgeball?

  31. hahahah this was excellent. pretty sure he needs to die.
    oh and the punching video was great. minus the bonjovi RECOVERY.

    • Yeah Jovi is such a douchebag, I’m pretty sure he specifically asked for the recovery thing.

      Thanks for reading Liz!

  32. HAHAHAHA!! Morning laugh AGAIN John! Chad Kroeger is such a FULL ON CHUMP!! Look, yeah yeah give me shit for saying this BUT Nickleback does has that “drive” in songs (which do all sound the same) that keep the general public interested. So Monsieur CHUMP is walking that line just like fuckface Bret Michaels! Chad just like Bret need to realize that when you are a 20 year old boy with shitty long hair it is OK cause you are YOUNG & “Cute”. After at least 10 YEARS of beating the shit out of your self and your hair slowly thinning………….you begin to look even more idiotic. I AM SURE that in, ah about… what do you think, 5 years or so we will watch the Marry Chad show. He will have 20 (?) washed up women with extra poofy lips, hugely fake tits and painted on eyebrows wanting to marry him & his HORNS (HAHAHA) because he is just so SWEET!!! PUUUUUUUUUUUUUUKE!!!!!!!!! OH & the landmine thing FUCKING MORON! I could rant on & on.

    • Yeah it’s that “drive” that actually annoys me so much. It just seems like these bands know exactly how to keep people buying their albums, without bringing anything original or new to the scene.

      Chad’s reality show will be even more ridiculous because all the contestants will be full on strippers or porn stars. He has no shame. 😉

  33. Again, you made me laugh out loud and work. Thanks Johnny Redd. Thanks.

  34. Is Chad Kroeger a homo genius? Nay nay.

    Is he homogeneous? Absofuckinglutely.

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