Johnny Red and His Team of Scientists Visit Tokyo: The City of the Future!

Japan has brought me a lot of joy in my life. Video games, superior technology, the anime Cowboy Bebop, and of course…GODZILLA, are but a few of those things. Sadly, I’ve never visited Japan. Well that’s about to change!

Team of Scientists! Put all experiments on hold, put the Yeti back in his cage, and pack your bags, because we’re finally heading to Tokyo, Japan to discover why it’s been labeled the City of the Future!

 

robot 

Ok, we’re at the airport. Our flight leaves in 20 minutes, so make sure you have everything you need because…Scientist #3 they are not going to let you board with that. No, they won’t! Leave it in the car! They won’t care if it’s for scientific purposes! Listen, if I can’t even board with a lighter, then what makes you think they are going to let you bring a Tesla Coil on the plane?! Leave it!

Alright, let’s just sit back and enjoy the flight.

However many hours later…

Well here we are! Tokyo the City of the Future! I can’t wait to hit the streets and enjoy some Japanese culture. Ok, according to the map our hotel is down this street here.

 

Holy shit! Really?

Holy shit! Really?

Wow…um…that’s odd. Must be some special event going on. Let’s just get to our hotel and unpack. We have a long day ahead of us. Scientist #2 stop looking up it’s enormous skirt!
Alright we’ve checked in, unpacked, and we still have most of the day to explore Tokyo. I’m just gonna hit the bathroom and we’ll be on our way.
Call the front desk. The toilet seems to have been installed on the floor and not the wall.

Call the front desk. The toilet seems to have been installed on the floor and not the wall.

The front desk says the toilet is where it’s suppose to be. Hmmm? If the toilet is on the floor then that means…You’ve got to be kidding me!
Minutes Later…
 Ok guys, let’s go! Don’t ask! Just don’t ask!  Scientist #1, go and get the loaner car we called ahead for.
Well...of course.

Well...of course.

 

Scientist #1, pull Pikachu over. This looks like a busy street. We’ll just get out and walk around Tokyo for a bit. Yes, we’ve experienced a few weird things so far, but I’m confident Tokyo has more to offer than just the bizarre.

People are in such a hurry around here. No one wants to stop and talk to me. Wait a minute! That girl looks American, or at least European. Maybe she can tell us where in Tokyo we should visit. Um…excuse me m’am?

 

Ahh! What the?

Ahh! What the?

 

I’m sorry m’am, I didn’t mean to startle you. I thought you were…someone…something else? What’s that? You’re a ganguro girl? Ganguro girls are a subculture of Tokyo who can be identified by their fashion sense, and extreme tanning? Ok, I think I understand.

 

Ganguro girls, NOT the Japanese cast of Mean Girls

Ganguro girls, NOT the Japanese cast of Mean Girls

 

She proceeded to explain to me that Tokyo has many subcultures that have their own unique sense of fashion and style.

There are the Gothic Lolita:

 

It's not even raining.

 

Kigurumin:

 

kigurumi2

 

Decora:

 

Decora

 

And Cosplay:

 

Cosplay is my favorite!!

Cosplay is my favorite!!

 

Cosplay is very similar to what goes on in America at many Comic Book and Star Trek conventions, or as I call them, Nerd Proms.

I thanked the Ganguro girl for educating my Team of Scientists and I on some of Tokyo’s subcultures, as we ran scared back to Pikachu.

Well I don’t know about you guys, but I’m getting hungry. What do you say we stop at this restaurant and grab a bite to eat. What does the sign say? “Alcatraz”?

 

Looks cozy.

Looks cozy.

The Alcatraz Restaurant is a prison themed restaurant in Japan where patrons are treated like…well…prisoners. Clearly Japan didn’t research The Stanford Prison Experiment that took place in America. Google it if you have time. Long story short, we weren’t through the appetizer when I began demanding to speak with the American embassy.

 

 

Team of Scientists, I’m sorry. I’m sorry we didn’t get to eat our meal on account of me getting us thrown out of a prison. Kinda ironic if you think of it. Let’s just go into this store and grab some snacks. Don’t worry I’m buying.

 

Green tea flavored kit kat bars? No Scientist #2, put it back.

Green tea flavored kit kat bars? No Scientist #2, put it back.

 

You can put a strawberry on the package, but I'm pretty sure those cheetos are covered in pepto bismal.

You can put a strawberry on the package, but I'm pretty sure those cheetos are covered in pepto bismal.

 

And that looks like it was pulled out of a river.

And that looks like it was pulled out of a river.

 

Well Team of Scientists, it looks like we’re not eating while we’re here in Tokyo. Let’s try and keep our minds off of our hunger by…oh my god…are those claw machines?! I LOVE claw machines. I haven’t come across a claw machine yet that I haven’t been able to conquer! Hmm? Let’s see.

 

Don't have any use for a school girl's outfit. I'll pass.

Don't have any use for a school girl's outfit. I'll pass.

 

A big pile of boobs. That's just creepy.

A big pile of boobs. That's just creepy.

 

Ok, last one. Let’s have a look.

 

Police! Police! Damnit! How do you say police in japanese?!

Police! Police! Damnit! How do you say police in japanese?!

 

This is getting to be ridiculous! Ah, a movie theater. Let’s go inside, watch a Japanese film and then we will continue our journey through Tokyo. Besides, I definitely need to sit down and relax for a bit.

2 hours later…

Let us NEVER speak of what we saw again! Scientist #1, go and check on Scientist #3. I think he is still throwing up in the theater bathroom. Did you know that Japan has a strict censorship policy on showing the male penis on film? Whether it is live action or an animated movie, by law the male penis is forbidden to be seen. BUT apparently everything else is ok. We were unfortunate to wander into a Japanese animated film. To be more specific a Japanese hentai film. Basically that’s animated porn.

So, you’re probably wondering how they make animated porn if the male penis is not allowed on film. Well Japanese filmmakers discovered a solution to this problem. What’s the solution? Tentacles!! 

I’ll try and break it down for ya.

 

THIS:

 

is-anime-sexy

 

PLUS THIS:

 

tentacles

 

EQUALS: YEARS OF THERAPY

 

Tentacle porn has become so popular that is has become an international phenomena. In fact some people have even decided to cash in on it’s popularity. I present to you, “Tentacle Grape” soda.

 

"WATCH OUT! You gonna get GRAPED!" That's the ACTUAL slogan for this ACTUAL soft drink.

"WATCH OUT! You gonna get GRAPED!" That's the ACTUAL slogan for this ACTUAL soft drink.

 

To all of you tentacle fans out there. Please be responsible in your tentacle activities.

 

"You can never be too safe. That's why I use tentacle strength Trojans." - Cthulhu

"You can never be too safe. That's why I use tentacle strength Trojans." - Cthulhu

 

Alright Team of Scientists, I’ve had enough. I thought I was bizarre, but Tokyo is like bizarre on acid. Let’s take Pikachu back to the hotel.

Back at the hotel…

Oh the gentleman at the front desk wants to speak to me. What’s that? You’ve arranged a special guest in my room? Why’s that? To honor me for visiting Tokyo? OH! I get what you’re saying. I don’t know? I don’t usually take part in that kind of service, if you know what I mean. But what the hell, it’s been a while. Also I don’t want to insult your customs. Let me just splash on a bit of cologne. Heheheh.

Ok! I’m a ready!!

 

Egads!!!

Egads!!!

 

Bonus Content:

Hey American gear heads. Yeah I’m talking to you! I suppose you think you’re pretty tough with that tricked out truck you’re driving around huh? Well let me show you something.

 

You see this? Yeah, well take a seat.

You see this? Yeah, well take a seat.

 

I wanted to mention another Japanese subculture that puts all those American motorheads to shame. I present to you DEKOTORA!!! A Japanese subculture that specializes in tricking out trucks.

 

If you owned this truck in Northern Maine you would have your pick of the womenfolk

If you owned this truck in Northern Maine you would have your pick of the womenfolk

 

John Gagnon…I Think I’m Turning Japanese…Johnny Red

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Posted on June 4, 2009, in There is No Such Thing as Fiction and tagged , , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink. 11 Comments.

  1. Who’s driving car?

    OMG OMG Bear driving car!!

  2. Hey Johnny – that was some mighty fine grape-isizing goin’ on. Gotta’ love Japan. “You can never be too safe. That’s why I use tentacle strength Trojans.” – Cthulhu
    Made me laugh my ass off. Dude… no, Sir – please honor us with a visit to the suburban hell that is Saco.

  3. Too funny! I can’t believe how Bizarre they are, I mean Alcatraz Rest. thats messed up!!!! And the tentacle porn, I’d like to see that! Ha Ha!

  4. yas yass…

    good one.
    no talk of creepy human-cyborgs this time around though.

    • I wanted to include the creepy japanese robot baby, but thought the blog was going a bit long. Next time I promise.

  5. Awesome!

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