Top 5 Ways The Future Will Be Amazing…Maybe

“Where’s my flying car? Where is my freaking flying car?!” Isn’t that the age old question? Well, maybe not the age old question, but definitely since the last half of the last century. You see when Science Fiction became so popular around the world, people started asking this question. Another question was, “Where’s my Jetpack?” In fact a book was even written about it, and other technological marvels that we haven’t yet acquired.

 

Perhaps I should have read it before I began writing this blog. Oh well.

Perhaps I should have read it before I began writing this blog. Oh well.

 

Other promises made were teleportation, living on the moon or other planets, robotic servants…wait a minute. Promises? I don’t think we were really ever promised anything were we? I think we as a species love to fantasize or speculate on how our world would be better if these technologies were available. But if you think of it more deeply it seems last century’s generation really just wanted to be a bunch of lazy fucks. Jetpacks so you don’t have to walk anywhere. Teleportation devices so you REALLY don’t have to walk anywhere. Robotic servants to do your cleaning and work.

 

Why didn't the older generations get any of the cool shit? Because they were too lazy to create them.

Why didn't the older generations get any of the cool shit? Because they were too lazy to create them.

 

But we’re not talking about your grandparent’s past and their future disappointments! We’re talking about our present generation and our future possibilities. Granted we still haven’t succeeded in the past’s future technologies. This list isn’t about the past hopes, but our present achievments that can make our future. And I think I may have just created a time/space paradox within this paragraph.

Today I bring to you the top 5 ways the future will be amazing…maybe.

 

5.  Free Energy

Now when I’m talking about free energy, I’m not speaking of solar or wind power. We already have those up and running at fairly good success. I’m talking about energy that comes from virtually nowhere. The best example is the idea of a perpetual motion machine that can create more energy than is consumed to run the machine.  I know what you’re saying. Perpetual motion machines violate the laws of conservation of energy, and also the second law of thermodynamics. That is what you were saying, right? But imagine if it was possible! Well Irish IT company Steorn has claimed  just that.

 

Sean McCarthy, CEO of Steorn with what he claims to be a perpetual motion machine.

Sean McCarthy, CEO of Steorn with what he claims to be a perpetual motion machine.

 

Steorn claims that the machine uses magnets to harness the natural energy of the earth to create an energy output greater than the energy used. That sounds about right. Oh, but  there is a problem. Under independent tests the machine just flat out doesn’t work. Steorn claim the machine can work, but have yet to patent the device. Sounds fishy to me. BUT I am not against the theory of magnets being used to harness the planets natural electromagnetic field to help with work output. In fact:

There is No Such Thing as Fiction: The Mystery of Coral Castle

What confuses me is that Steorn, an Irish company, doesn’t realize that the Irish themselves are perpetual motion machines!

 

Being Irish myself, I can attest to the fact that the amount of work output by any one of us shouldn't be possible.

Being Irish myself, I can attest to the fact that the amount of work output by any one of us shouldn't be possible.

 

So maybe we are too far away from actually creating free energy. Perhaps it’s not even possible.  Although I’m sure there was once a time when somebody said, “One day we will fly through the sky in a giant metal bird, that will carry hundreds of us across the sea!”, before they were promptly labotomized and left to rot in a cell.

 

4. Bionic Upgrades

Now we’re getting into the good stuff! Have you ever thought how cool it would be to take pictures with your own eyes? Not only pictures but perhaps be able to record your entire life as you see it and later download it onto your computer? You haven’t? Well I have! That sounds like some crazy science fiction shit, but you know what? IT’S ALREADY HERE! Well it is for this guy.

 

Rob Spence with led eye, NOT the Terminator.

Rob Spence with led eye, NOT the Terminator.

 

Maybe I’m getting a little ahead of myself here. What Spence and his team have done was manage to fit an electronic device, complete with power source, into his eye socket as a replacement to the prosthetic eye he has used since childhood. Their next step is to create a prosthetic eye complete with a wireless video camera to document his life from his point of view. This next step seems almost certain.

But why stop there? What about people who are blind? Could bionic eye technology help them regain their sight? It already has.

A man who has been blind for 30 years has taken part in an experimental procedure at a London hospital to artificially restore his vision–with a bionic eye. Ron, who has not revealed his surname, says he is now able to see the difference between white, grey and black socks, and follow white road markings.

 

Ok, now follow me on this. If a bionic eye can replace your original eyes by feeding a signal directly to your brain, then where would it end? Imagine if you could zoom in your own vision, or display data from your point of view, maybe even use infared or a night vision lens? You would literally be a cyborg!

 

Hahaha! There's no hiding from me now!

Hahaha! There's no hiding from me now!

 

I salut those daring enough to take the next step in either sight restoration, or having vision, no pun intended, enough to make due with their unfortunate situation. It’s inspiring enough to make me want to grab a fork out of the utensils drawer and go to town. But unfortunately my broke ass can’t afford health insurance, or a prosthetic eye, let alone a bionic one. I’d end up like this guy.

 

Yarrrrrrrrn!!!

Yarrrrrrrrn!!!

 

3. At Home Bio-Hacking

 

Yes, that literally is what it sounds like. Amature scientists have been popping up all over the country and have begun performing their own bio experiments, without the restraint of government, without regard to the so-called ethical code, and mostly without a degree in education. I’m all for it.

Another name for biohacking is DIYBio, which means do it yourself bio engineering, duh. The amature bio-engineers claim to be doing this as a way to discover cures for diseases, like cancer, that they feel the government is purposely preventing from surfacing. Of course I tend to believe this as well since there is immense profit for pharmaceutical companies, as well as health insurance companies, as well as doctors, as well as scientists, as well as pretty much anyone making money off our illnesses.

 

See, they don't even try to hide it anymore.

See, they don't even try to hide it anymore.

 

Now we’re not talking about those cheesy at home chemistry sets we had as a kid. We’re talking full blown biological experimentation, or genetic manipulation done from your own basement or garage. Here’s a description:

This open, free synthetic biology kit contains all sorts of information from across the web on how to do it: how to extract and amplify DNA, cloning techniques, making DNA by what’s known as oligonucleotides, and all sorts of other tutorials and documents on techniques in genetic engineering, tissue engineering, synbio (synthetic biology), stem cell research, SCNT, evolutionary engineering, bioinformatics, etc.

 

Soooo, we may have in our possesion the possibility, I’ve researched it, the ability to reboot our own skin cells to become stem cells and literally grow new organs to replace ones we currently have. They would also be completely compatible. We can, with enough dedication and patience, grow replacement organs at home, throw them in a cooler with ice, bring them to the hospital and have them replaced. Sort of like going to a mechanic. I wonder who would be against this?

Oh yeah, Fox News jumped all over this.

 

 

Well Fox News, I’ve already downloaded my own DIYBio kit. If you want to label me a bioterrorist, then trust me in that I will bring it to your doorstep.

 

Ah ha! Never underestimate my loyal army of giant Lions!

Ah ha! Never underestimate my loyal army of giant Lions!

 

 

2. Finally Unlocking the Secrets of Space

 

Yeah, that’s a lot to cover in one entry of a Top 5 blog post. Luckily I have my friend here to help me. Let me introduce you to The Large Hadron Collider.

 

It's like a giant metal spider of potential cataclysm

It's like a giant metal spider of potential cataclysm

 

You may of heard of the Large Hadron Collider in the news the last year or so. The reason? Well the purpose of this machine, 17 miles in diameter to be specific, is to attempt to recreate the Big Bang. Not just once mind you, but several thousand times, AT ONCE! What the scientists and engineers who built this machine want to do is try to discover the hypothesized Higgs Boson which is the last unobserved particle predicted by the Standard Model. So to do that they will try to recreate another hypothesized event in the the Big Bang.

 

The Big Bang Theory: In the beginning there was nothing...and then it exploded.

The Big Bang Theory: In the beginning there was nothing...and then it exploded.

 

Everyone who reads my blog understands that I love scientific discovery. I believe that truth is most definitely stranger than fiction, but what we have here is tad disturbing. Well I shouldn’t worry because these people obviously know what they are doing right?

“We don’t know what’s going to happen.”

Actual quote from Abraham Seiden, Professor of Physics, and potential doom bringer working on the Large Hadron Collider. Now don’t write me off as some paranoid nutcase, after all I’m not the one with literally the entire world, and possibly the Universe in my hands. Because the truth is they don’t know. I like the potential data that can be attained if there is ever a succesful run. But you see it seems the Large Hadron Collider always breaks down. It’s currently being worked on and should be up and functioning for another test run this September.

 

How many times can you attempt to divide by zero, before you actually do it?

How many times can you attempt to divide by zero, before you actually do it?

 

 

1. A Complete and Utter Dystopia

 

Surprised? Well you shouldn’t be. It’s getting late and Johnny Red is beginning to stir. Behold the future I hope comes about!

 

Ooooh! Think of the fun we could have!!

Ooooh! Think of the fun we could have!!

 

Really, seriously think about it, why would anyone want to live in a Utopia? A perfect world, a sterile, clean, life of mediocrity? Screw that noise! I want excitement and danger at my every turn. I want to KNOW that I could die in any number of ways at any given second!

I want Gas Masks to be all the rage!

 

I want that! I want to have to wear that!

I want that! I want to have to wear that!

 

I want robot uprisings!

 

 

And I'm just on my way to work!!

And I'm just on my way to work!!

 

I want to fight off radioactive mutant sewer dwellers!

 

This C.H.U.D.'s for you!!

This C.H.U.D.'s for you!!

 

I want to race through the post-apocalyptic wastelands in the Last of the V8 Interceptors as I battle for a tank of juice!

 

Oh no! That latently homo-erotic biker is on my ass!

Oh no! That latently homo-erotic biker is on my ass!

 

I want to fight for survival in the Zombie Apocalypse! This time for real!

 

Hopefully that's not me in that outfit. But you can't ever know in a Dystopian Future.

Hopefully that's not me in that outfit. But you can't ever know in a Dystopian Future.

 

That’s right. I want all of that!  And with all the possible Dystopian futures I’ve seen in the movies, read in books, and played in video games, I’m guessing one of them is bound to happen!

 

Bonus Content:

One result Scientists are hoping to discover with the Large Hadron Collider, is if parallel universes actually exist, and if String Theory is real. Soooo, they may actually open up gateways to other dimensions, huh? Then anything could come through!

 

Cthulhu! We meet again! You...son...of...a...bitch!

Cthulhu! We meet again! You...son...of...a...bitch!

 

 

John Michael Gagnon…Johnny Red!!!

johnnyredtoon

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Posted on June 16, 2009, in Top 5's and tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink. 18 Comments.

  1. its nice

  2. so brilliant!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

  3. I read about a guy last year who had severed off his fingertip – about half an inch of his finger. His brother works in regenerative medicing and sent him some powder to use on his finger. Within a month the entire finger grew back.

    Video and pics here: http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/health/7354458.stm

    • Holy crap I read about that too, but had completely forgotten about it. Thanks for the link. I may use it in another blog.

  4. Seriously! The bionic eye will make Sasquatch hunting so much easier. Although thermal is really where it’s at there. Night vision be damned! Just imagine the military implication of cybernetic implantations. Ghost In The Shell did…

    • Ghost In The Shell was awesome back in the day! I’ve yet to watch any of the Ghost in the Shell movies or shows since. I wonder if they were any good?

  5. This C.H.U.D.s for you, classic.
    Thanks for bringing that movie up. I can thank you for forcing a horrible phobia of getting my ass bit by a mutated sewer monster (that physically could not fit through any home sewer pipe) when I am on the can, back into my conscious mind. I will have to bring a baseball bat to the bathroom for the next 5 years… Again.

  6. Great blog!!

    Nate, do you want that when we go to St Marten and Orient Beach?

  7. John,
    Thanks to you, I’m not sleeping tonight! And Nate, you perv! See what your bionic eye has created already!

    • I’m sorry carrie but I felt it important the world know about the large hadron collider and how it may destroy us all. Well…have a good day. 😉

      • yeah, have a great day, you asshole! and how is it you know this stuff. i feel like the guy you see on the street wearing aluminum foil on his head!

      • How do I know this stuff? Wood nymphs come out the woods at night and whisper it in my ear while I’m asleep. 😉

  8. What is truly pathetic to me is the chick on the I don’t want to use my legs machine pushing the baby stroller. HAHAHAHAHA. OH, when you say this: “Hopefully that’s not me in that outfit. But you can’t ever know in a Dystopian Future.” Hmmmmmmmmmmmmmm 😉 Thanks for the morning laugh John!

    • Thanks for reading! Yeah, it’s pathetic that a segway is just about the only semi-science fiction thing we’ve gotten. Remember when the creator of those things claimed it would “change the world as we know it!” Too bad you look like such a lame ass on them.

  9. I want the bionic eye with a USB port when I go to the beach. It’s be less creepy than just holding out my camera phone whenever some hot chick walks by.

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