Johnny Red and His Team of Scientists VS The Super Humans!!

Have you ever dreamed of being a Super Hero? Don’t lie, you have. Well it appears evolution may help that dream come true. Today I present to you a look into three actual human beings who have been granted what are being called super abilities. They live. They are real. And if they so choose, could don a mask and cape and beat justice into the foul corruption we call reality!

Also of note, I will be writing this blog in a comic book style. Why? Well because it’s fitting for the subject matter, and also…I miss it. 😦

 

x-men-first-classpic

 

 

Johnny Red’s Secret Laboratory

Johnny Red and His Team of Scientists are feverishly working on getting the Neo-Genetic Recombinator working again:

 

Johnny Red:     Damnit! Why haven’t you guys got this thing working yet?!

Scientist #3:     Sir, we’ve tried everything!

Johnny Red:     Nonsense!

Scientist #2:     If I may suggest a theory?

Johnny Red:     This better not be the, “Kick it until it starts up”, theory again! For fuck’s sake you even made up schematics!

Scientist #2:     Not at all Sir. Since the machine is of advanced technology, clearly from an advanced culture, then perhaps our mere human genetic code is incompatible? 

Johnny Red:     I should lock you in the Yeti cage for calling me “mere human”, but you have a sound theory. Team of Scientists assemble! We must seek out The Super Humans!

 

Suddenly!

 

giant-doors

 

Johnny Red:     *Sigh* Scientist #4, have you been mentioning the whereabouts of our Secret Lab on your blog again?

Scientist #4:      It’s really just a journal.

Johnny Red:     ………..FOR THE WHOLE INTERNET TO READ!! Ah, forget it! Go answer the door.

 

Scientist #4 opens the door and in walks a professional looking young woman. Blonde hair, glasses, business attire, and a large clipboard in her hand:

 

Unknown Woman:     Excuse me, but are you Johnny Red?

Johnny Red:     Possibly…why?

Unknown Woman:     My name is Ange, Dr. Ange. I’ve been sent here by the C.I.A. to monitor your activities.

Johnny Red:     I know of no such organization?

Dr. Ange:     Are you serious?

Johnny Red:     Possibly…why?

 

For secret Government reasons, Dr. Ange would not allow herself to be photographed. Instead I'll use a series of pics I found on the net to display her in this blog. Can you guess what she feels right now? If you guessed Anger, you win the prize.

For secret Government reasons, Dr. Ange would not allow herself to be photographed. Instead I'll use a series of pics I found on the net to display her in this blog. Can you guess what she feels right now? If you guessed Anger, you win the prize.

 

Dr. Ange:     You should be taking this more seriously, Johnny Red! I have here a list of, what I would call crimes against humanity, that’s a mile long!

Johnny Red:     Poppycock!

Dr. Ange:     Oh, so you didn’t destroy the tourist attraction Coral Castle in Florida to acquire an electromagnetic perpetual motion machine??

Johnny Red:     Prove it!

Dr. Ange:     And I suppose it wasn’t you who left a home made submarine on the bottom of the ocean floor? You know that thing is leaking chemicals that we can’t even identify?

Johnny Red:     Hehe, neither could we.

Dr. Ange:     Officials in Tokyo, Japan are seeking extradition rights to bring you back there!

Johnny Red:     The Japanese?! And you think I’m crazy?!

Dr. Ange:     AND do I even have to mention how you released giant robots to fight off the Zombie threat?!

Johnny Red:     Hey! I saved your asses that day!

Dr. Ange:     You destroyed ten city blocks!!!

Johnny Red:     Awww, crying over spilled milk?

Dr. Ange:     Ok, if you’re not going to be the mature one then I will. Yes, you did save us from the Zombie threat, and for that your past crimes are being overlooked. BUT, I will be following you and monitoring your actions from here on out.

Johnny Red:     Fine! Hey, Team of Scientists, how do you feel about that?

 

They look...thrilled.

They look...thrilled.

 

Johnny Red:     Well Dr. Ange I hope you brought your passport, because we’re off to find The Super Humans. First stop, Germany!

 

Somewhere in Germany

 

Johnny Red:      Ok, according to my research this Super Human, or Super Boy I should say, was born with twice the muscle mass and half the body fat of a regular infant. Wow! At four years old he was able to hold two seven pound weights at arms length. Some adults can’t even do that! Here’s a picture from my research files.

 

040623_mutatedmuscle_vmed_widec

He could probably field kick for the Patriots.

 

Dr. Ange:     So what are you planning to do here?

Johnny Red:     I have to get a blood sample. It’s reported that his muscle mass and strength are a mutation at a genetic level. Scientist #2, go into his bedroom and get the sample.

Scientist #2 quietly opens the toddler’s bedroom door.

 

Don't make him angry. I don't think we would like him when he's angry.

Don't make him angry. I don't think we would like him when he's angry.

 

Scientist #2 succeeds in getting the blood sample, but things get bad from there.

Johnny Red:     God on a blow pop! You made him angry!

Dr. Ange:     Don’t just stand there! Help him!

Johnny Red:     He’s a goner!

 

Fuck this is scary!!

Fuck this is scary!!

 

Leaving Scientist #2 to be ripped limb from limb, Johnny Red, Dr. Ange, and the rest of the Team of Scientists manage to escape and head to their next destination.

 

Johnny Red:     What’s that you’re doing? What are you writing on that clipboard?

Dr. Ange:     I’m making note of how expendable you feel your Team of Scientists are.

Johnny Red:     They knew the risks when they signed up!

Dr. Ange:     Oh, and by the way, where do you manage to find these Scientists?

Johnny Red:     Ebay, under Cold War Era Scientists. They come cheap.

Dr. Ange:     …….

 

Semashko State Stomatological University, Moscow

 

Dr. Ange:     So why have we come to Moscow?

Johnny Red:     When I was in Tokyo I spoke with a man named Yoshio Machi. He claimed to have conducted tests on a woman named Natasha Demkina, or better known as “The Girl with X-Ray Vision.”

Dr. Ange:     X-Ray Vision?

Johnny Red:     Well that’s become a nickname of sorts. Natasha Demkina claims she can see inside the human body and diagnose health problems merely by using her regular sight. Scientists around the world have yet to disprove her on this. The closest anyone has ever come was a group of skeptics in the U.S. who rigged the tests. She still managed to diagnose four out of seven subjects.

 

Here we see Natasha diagnosing a groupe of people. "And you have cancer, and you have cancer, and you have cancer, and..."

Here we see Natasha diagnosing a group of people. "And you have cancer, and you have cancer, and you have cancer, and..."

 

Johnny Red:     Um…excuse me Natasha?

Natasha Demkina:     Yes.

Johnny Red:     I just wanted to say it’s a pleasure to meet you and–NOW SCIENTIST #3! GET THE SAMPLE!

Natasha Demkina:     OW! What the hell?!

 

Yep, that's the look Dr. Ange made.

Yep, that's the look Dr. Ange made.

 

Once again Johnny Red and His Team of Scientists make a daring escape!

 

A cave in the mountains of India

 

Johnny Red:     Dr. Ange, let me introduce you to Prahlad Jani. Prahlad Jani claims to have not eaten, drunk any liquids, or used the bathroom for over 68 years.

Dr. Ange:     68 years! That’s impossible.

Johnny Red:     Well, get your clipboard ready and he’ll explain it himself.

 

prahlad

 

Prahlad Jani:     I have not needed food, or drink, or need to use the bathroom for over 68 years due to a small hole above my palate that drips a divine elixer that sustains me.

Johnny Red:     Ok, divine mumbo jumbo aside, what he is actually saying is he’s evolved to no longer need food since the liquid that drips from his palate provides him all the nourishment he needs.

Dr. Ange:     I still find this hard to believe.

Johnny Red:     So did a group of Scientists in India, that is until they tested him. He was keep under 24 hour surveillance for over 10 days. Not once did he eat food, drink liquids, or use the bathroom. They gave him regular tests to see if his body was deteriorating in any way. Guess what? It didn’t! In fact the only thing that happened was a small build up of urine appeared, but then his bladder walls absorbed the urine back into his system. To this day no one can disprove his claims.

Dr. Ange:     So is this the part where you stab him with a needle and run away?

Johnny Red:     Or course not. Prahlad Jani welcomes any studying to be done on his condition. What am I? Some kind of monster?

 

Dr. Ange is feeling it.

Dr. Ange is feeling it.

 

 

Dr. Ange:     So where to now?

Johnny Red:     Back to my not-so Secret Lab to see if the Neo-Genetic Recombinator will work given these Super Human blood samples.

 

Back at Johnny Red’s not-so Secret Lab

 

Johnny Red:      Alright, I’ll just feed these samples through the machine and…

 

The Neo-Genetic Recombinator sputters, lights begin to flash, and then the machine roars to life!

 

Johnny Red:     It works!! Scientist #2’s theory was correct! Too bad he didn’t live see it!

Dr. Ange:     AND that’s the real reason I’m here!!

Johnny Red:     Wha???

 

Johnny Red and his Team of Scientists have just enough time to turn around to find themselves face to face with a gun toting Dr. Ange!!!

 

OMGWTFBBQ!!

OMGWTFBBQ!!

 

Dr. Ange:     You see Johnny Red, I’m not really with the C.I.A. The real reason I’ve tracked you down was because one of your so-called “expendable” scientists was my twin sister!

Johnny Red:     Holy crap this is intense!

Dr. Ange:     And now that you have unlocked the secrets of the Neo-Genetic Recombinator I’ll use it’s power to grow stronger and ultimately defeat you!! My sister will have her revenge!

 

Dr. Ange makes her way over to the Neo-Genetic Recombinator and enters the machine. A blinding light engulfs the room and then…she steps out.

 

 

Shitburgers! I'm in trouble!

Shitburgers! I'm in trouble!

 

 

Johnny Red:     Dr. Ange! Let’s not do anything stupid here! Maybe we can work this out!

Dr. Ange:     Dr. Ange? No…no more Dr. Ange. With super strength, x-ray vision, and the ability to sustain myself without food or drink I am now…DR. STR-ANGE!!!

Johnny Red:     Marvel comics will never let you get away with that!

Dr. Str-Ange:     Shut up!  Now to destroy the Neo-Genetic Recombinator so you can never use it!

 

NOOOO!! My beautiful machine!!

NOOOO!! My beautiful machine!!

 

Johnny Red:     Alright, Dr. Str-Ange you’ve got me. Do your worst!

Dr. Str-Ange:     Oh no, Johnny Red. Today you live. Because knowing that there is someone like me out there, someone who can outsmart you, someone who can defeat any of you and your Team of Scientists creations, is a much worse fate than death. Bwhahahaha!

 

Dr. Str-Ange then proceeds to knock a hole in the wall and is off to who knows where.

 

Johnny Red:     You know the front door was open!

Scientist #3:     What are we going to do Sir?

Johnny Red:     I think I like the idea of having a rival. Besides we still have the schematics for the Neo-Genetic Recombinator. We can rebuild it. Also, there were a few other Super Humans we didn’t visit…yet.  Bwhahahaha!!!

 

Bonus Content: Michel Lotito

 

A genetic mutation has given him stomach lining much thicker than any other human. Over the course of two years, he ate an entire fucking plane!!

A genetic mutation has given this man a stomach lining much thicker than any other human. Over the course of two years, he ate an entire fucking plane!!

 

 

John Michael Gagnon…KAPOW!…Johnny Red

johnnyredtoon

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Posted on June 24, 2009, in There is No Such Thing as Fiction and tagged , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink. 3 Comments.

  1. I wonder if Michel eats his wings with ranch or blue cheese?

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