Top 5 Advantages/Disadvantages of Living in Northern Maine

Oh, to live in Maine. The crown jewel of the United States. I know, I know, Alaska is actually higher geopraphically speaking. But Alaska is sort of higher and to the back, sort of like a hump on someone’s back that has grown uncontrollably. Yeah, that’s what I’m saying.  Alaska is the hump of the United States.

Anyway, I was saying. Maine is known as Vacationland. Stephen King is from Maine and has done us the service of unleashing many tales of horrifying shit to associate with the State of Maine.

 

Yeah, take a good look at that the rest of the United States. We grew up with that shit.

Yeah, take a good look at that the rest of the United States. We grew up with that shit.

 

Maine is also known for it’s lobstering industry.  This has provided countless hours of entertainment for bored Mainers. How, you ask?

 

Maine: The Home of Lobster Knife Fights

Maine: The Home of Lobster Knife Fights

 

But there is more to Maine than Killer Clowns living in the sewers, and lobsters with knives. You see Maine is most well known from central Maine to southern Maine. With this blog entry I’m hoping to illuminate the rest of the country to the joys and sorrows of living in, what most Maine southerners call, “The Other Maine.” So, today I present to you:

 

moosetitle

 

 

5. Unique Food/Drink

 

Advantage: In Northern Maine, we know how to eat

 

The people in Northern Maine are known as hard working, which means we work up an appetite. After a long day of work most of us like to enjoy a hearty meal that we in Northern Maine can appreciate. Granted some, if not all, of these items originated in Canada, but we’ve adopted them as our own here in Northern Maine.

First we have the Poutine, also known as the french fry mix. Hmm? How to describe it. Well you see we take french fries, drown them in gravy, and then swing for the fences by topping it off with cheese.

 

I still believe the poutine was accidently created in a kitchen where some hapless chef suffered a looney tune style accident. Poutines where the result.

I still believe the poutine was accidentally created in a kitchen where some hapless chef suffered a looney tune style accident. Poutines where the result.

 

Still hungry? Well next up with have Ployes. A ploye is like a pancake except they are made with buckwheat flour and are only cooked on one side.

 

Hmm? Ployes seem healthy and harmless enough. There has to be a catch?

Hmm? Ployes seem healthy and harmless enough. There has to be a catch?

 

Yes, there is a catch. Much like the traditional pancake the ploye must be drenched in any number of toppings and syrups in order to NOT feel like you are eating a plate of foam insulation. Maple syrup is a popular choice for parents who enjoy their children tap dancing on their roofs all hours of the day and night. Strawberries and whipped cream is ok too. But if you really want to challenge the Almighty Creator to send you into cardiac arrest, then you put a thick spreading of the following item across that ploye.

 

Let me introduce you to Cretons. That's a dish of spreadable pork. That's right, spreadable pork.

Let me introduce you to Cretons. That's a dish of spreadable pork. That's right, spreadable pork.

 

Only in Northern Maine would butter or syrup not be good enough. Cretons are very popular in Northern Maine. The sole existance of Cretons is to let the rest of the country know we don’t fuck around. Again, it’s spreadable pork!!

And after, or maybe during,  your meal you want to make sure you wash down that travesty on your plate with a good  drink. Coffee might be your choice. But then again perhaps a refreshing glass of milk. Not strong enough? Well a good Brandy is hard to beat. What’s that? Why not all three?

 

Allen's Coffee Brandy. Mainers consume more Allen's Coffee Brandy than any other state including Massachusettes, where it freaking made!

Allen's Coffee Brandy. Mainers consume more Allen's Coffee Brandy than any other state including Massachusetts, where it freaking made!

 

Drinking Allen’s Coffee Brandy straight isn’t bad enough. Here in Northern Maine we’ve decided the best way to polish off a half gallon of this Brandy is to add a gallon of milk. This drink combo has taken a life of it’s own as it has become known as, “The Liquid Leg Spreader”, “Liquid Panty Remover”, and my personal favorite:

 

Fat Ass in a Glass

Fat Ass in a Glass

 

 

Disadvantage: Our hearts may be ticking time bombs

 

In Northern Maine our arteries must be as clogged as the streets in Fort Kent during  the annual Ploye Festival. Wait a minute? Those arteries look like red hot dogs. I forgot to mention red hot dogs on this list!

In Northern Maine our arteries must be as clogged as the streets in Fort Kent during the annual Ploye Festival. Wait a minute? Those arteries look like red hot dogs. I forgot to mention red hot dogs on this list!

 

4. The Wild Life

 

Advantage: Beautiful Majestic Creatures

 

Oh yes, Northern Maine is host to many animals that we get to see on nearly a daily basis. Whether your taking an early morning walk and get to see a deer striding through an empty field, or perhaps your are fishing on a warm summer evening and are witness to a moose cooling itself off in a lake, the animal life is abundant here in Northern Maine.

Here are some examples.

 

The Bald Eagle can be seen in Northern Maine. Oh, and place your bets.

The Bald Eagle can be seen in Northern Maine. Oh, and place your bets.

 

The Maine Black Bear. Don't high five him.

The Maine Black Bear. Don't high five him.

 

Deer are easy to spot in Northern Maine. Well for some of us anyway.

Deer are easy to spot in Northern Maine. Well for some of us anyway.

 

Coyotes are often seen. I see this very thing about three times a week in Northern Maine.

Coyotes are often seen. I see this very thing about three times a week in Northern Maine.

 

 

And probably most popular of all, the moose.

 

Did I mention that moose have a reputation for being, well, dumb.

Did I mention that moose have a reputation for being, well, dumb.

 

Disadvantage: Beautiful Majestic Creatures…In the Road

 

Nothing extinguishes the serenity of driving through the beautiful scenery of Northern Maine quicker than the screeching of brakes as you try to avoid whichever mammal has decided it has the right of way on our Maine roads.  Moose collisions account for over 2,000 accidents in Maine. Deer are responsible for over 10,000 accidents.

 

Scatter!! It looks incredibly determined!

Scatter!! It looks incredibly determined!

 

In fact the only time in my life that I’ve seen a Maine black bear was in the following situation.

 

The rare Northern Maine levitating, street crossing bear.

Coming through! Nothing to see here folks!

 

3. Fishing

 

Advantage: There’s Nothing Quite as Relaxing as Fishing in Northern Maine

 

Everbody needs some sort of therapy in their lives.  And I don’t believe in actually visiting a therapist. Why? Because in all honesty I wouldn’t be able to take them seriously. I also don’t trust myself enough to not mess with their heads and reduce them to tears.

So my therapy for when I need to unwind, relax, or just get away from life’s problems is to go fishing.  Northern Maine is the perfect setting for whatever type of fishing you enjoy.

 

My favorite!

Fly Fishing: My favorite!

 

 

Regular bait or lure casting

Regular bait or lure casting

 

 

Ice Fishing...which I don't do. The #2 entry on this top 5 will explain why.

Ice Fishing...which I don't do. The #2 entry on this top 5 will explain why.

 

And last but certainly not least:

 

Muskie Fishing. That's my friend since the 5th grade, Paul. When we caught out first Muskie, we had to go to shore and beat it to death with a stick.

Muskie Fishing. That's my friend since the 5th grade, Paul. When we caught our first Muskie, we had to go to shore and beat it to death with a stick.

 

And here's Paul from last Halloween. Sorry Paul, I couldn't resist.

And here's Paul from last Halloween. Sorry Paul, I couldn't resist.

 

Disadvantage: There’s Nothing Quite as Frustrating as Fishing in Northern Maine

 

Whether it’s the weather that turns shitty at the drop of a hat, you get your vehicle stuck in a mud hole, or perhaps those uppity fish just don’t want to bite, there are plenty of ways fishing in Northern Maine can be frustrating. Damn uppity Little Black Lake fish! Grrrr!

 

This is very common in fly fishing.

This is very common in fly fishing.

 

 

We call this a "birdsnest". Harry "fucking" Houdini couldn't figure this out.

We call this a "birdsnest". Harry "fucking" Houdini couldn't figure this out.

 

 

Not the truck pictured, but a friend of mine's truck ended up this way while ice fishing.

Not the truck pictured, but a friend of mine's truck ended up this way while ice fishing.

 

 

Fish Rape: It can happen

Fish Rape: It can happen

 

#2 Winter in Northern Maine

 

NO, NO, NO! There is no advantage to winter in Northern Maine! In fact I added this entry just to have an outlet for my deep and utter hatred of winter.

 

god-hates-us-winter-demotivational-poster

 

If humans were meant to enjoy winter, our bodies wouldn’t have evolved nearly hairless. What is it about winter that people like? Is it the limited daylight? Perhaps the groin shriveling temperature? Maybe you enjoy spending your free time shoveling heaps of snow into your neighbors driveway?

 

Next time I'm asked to go outside and make a snowman, this is what I'm gonna do.

Next time I'm asked to go outside and make a snowman, this is what I'm gonna do.

 

And don’t even get me started on the horrible road conditions winter brings. Living in Northern Maine means you have to own a four wheel drive vehicle merely to survive. Now couple the road conditions with  the Northern Maine wildlife frolicking in the roads as well, and we add even more collisions to our tragic tally.

In fact the only accident I’ve ever been in happened during winter.

 

That's right! I was hit head on by a fucking snow plow!

That's right! I was hit head on by a fucking snow plow!

 

 

So really all I can say is, SCREW WINTER!  And for those of you enjoy winter, let the following picture haunt your dreams for all time.

 

Now jerk off to that, you lucky so and so's!

Now jerk off to that, you lucky so and so's!

 

#1 Camping

Advantage: You’re Camping

 

Camping, like fishing, can be a relaxing escape from your world of stress, deadlines, bills, court dates, and perhaps work release programs.

Personally I enjoy camping simply for the fact that you get to turn off the cell phone, the television, the computer, and all other forms of technology we seem to depend on everyday. There’s just something about setting up a tent, making a campfire, and enjoying the outdoors with friends.

 

Oh! Bootlegging moonshine too. I forgot bootlegging.

Oh! Bootlegging moonshine too. I forgot bootlegging.

 

So really there is nothing else to explain. A couple relaxing days of fishing, cooking food on a grill, telling stories around a campfire with friends is simple and fun. What could possibly go wrong?

 

Disadvantage: You’re Camping

 

If a camping trip goes as planned, you couldn’t ask for a more relaxing time. If a camping trip goes bad then you are in for an experience you may not soon forget, or physically heal from.

One factor is the unpredictable weather of Northern Maine. Believing a weekend forcast for Northern Maine is like believing a travelling gypsy psychic.

 

"I see as sunny weekend for your camping trip.", "And I can see down your shirt."

"I see a sunny weekend for your camping trip.", "You hear that kids?! Start loading up the SUV!"

 

4 hours later:

 

Awww Crap! This is the fifth time I've been misled by a travelling gypsy psychic!

AwwwCrap! This is the fifth time I've been misled by a travelling gypsy psychic!

 

It’s also important to only plan your Northern Maine camping trips in the middle of the summer. Don’t try to outsmart the weather and plan an early summer or early fall camping trip in Northern Maine.

 

Damn you Winter! We meet again!

Damn you Winter! We meet again!

 

It’s also of vital importance that you are familiar with the area you are going to be camping. Never trust a friend, who knows a friend, who knows a friend, who knows the perfect spot to go camping. Because if you don’t find yourself getting lost in the back woods roads of Northern Maine, you may actually find the the unfortunate camping site.

 

I told you we would eventually find the camp site, honey. Let's set the food over--OH...MY...GOD!

See honey, it wasn't that hard to find. Let's set the food over--OH...MY...GOD!

 

Choosing the right people to go camping with can also be a chore. Going camping with a group of people who want nothing more to do than party all weekend can turn ugly fast. If your group of campers has decided to bring nothing but booze and fireworks, then prepare to ration out whatever food or water you have brought for yourself. These types always say they will just hunt or fish for their food. I think we have all been on the tragic/hungry end of this situation.

 

"No, no...six more hours of sleep...then I'll catch some...fishes."

"No, no...six more hours of sleep...then I'll catch some...fishes."

 

You know what doesn’t go well together? A campfire and a bunch of intoxicated daredevils. I don’t think I’ve been to one bonfire, campfire, BBQ or anywhere an open flame is present where a drunk person doesn’t eventually burn themselves. It’s like moths to a flame.

 

"What?! Of course I can jump over that!"

"What?! Of course I can jump over that!"

 

So once again you have to witness the exploits of the guy who has been drinking nothing but “fat ass in a glass” for the majority of the day decide he’s Evel Knievel. This scenario  always ends with the jackass taking a digger forearm first into the campfire.

And for three summers in a row the camping trip ends with someone being airlifted to safety.

 

"This was *burp* fun guys. How about *barf* again next summer?"

"This was *burp* fun guys. How about *barf* again next summer?"

 

Well that’s enough excitement for one day. I think I’ll just crawl into my comfy tent and try to forget all the horrible things that have happened on my camping trip. I don’t see how things could get any worse?

 

HOLY FUCK! I'M SO HIS DINNER!!

HOLY FUCK! I'M SO HIS DINNER!!

 

 

Bonus Content

 

Hey, remember that story about those guys who were camping out on the Allagash Waterway and claim they were abducted by aliens? I suppose that would be another disadvantage of camping.

Yeah…it sure would be.

 

You have got to be fucking shitting me!

You have got to be fucking shitting me!

 

Next Time on Monster Rebellion! Johnny Red and His Team of Scientists VS The Alien Invasion!!

 

John Michael Gagnon…aka…Johnny Red

 

johnnyredtoon

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Posted on August 27, 2009, in Top 5's. Bookmark the permalink. 26 Comments.

  1. Good Lord that was funny! We are thinking of buying land in Westmanland. Kansas is just too hot for us. We have lived here all our lives and want a change. Can’t afford the Bahamas.

  2. Disadvantage, doctors, specialists are too far and few. It’s harder to have access to all the the health care you may need. Programs for the poor, seniors, & disabled aren’t very good either with rules that are out of touch with people. Roads aren’t taken care of as good as they should be. Taxes are too high even on the middle class and the poor which includes taxes on cars even if they are old and not the greatest condition you still get ripped off with taxes. Advantages, most people in northern Maine seem to be very nice, kind people. Beautiful wildlife and nature to enjoy.

  3. Thank you, that was really fun to read.

  4. Any real estate advive for one wanting to buy or rent small home in Maine, maybe Augusta, Portland, Bangor or smaller towns?

  5. I am in….I am moving to Merrill soon. What would the odds be for me to get a job working with a local farmer?? Can you email me? briangadsby73@yahoo.ca

  6. Awesome !!! I’m moving to Maine !!!!!

  7. That was so funny! We lived in Maine for 6 months. You were spot on but you forgot the horrible bugs! Black flies and mosquitoes almost took me away!

  8. Hahahaa! Most of this is so true! When i read the animal one it made me think of how we get animals come through our town all the time. We had 2 black bears roaming the streets mid-late summer, 2 moose and a deer have both crossed my yard, a black bear attacked our bird feeder, raccoons are always up in my crab apple trees at night, and a fox followed my vehicle through town and into my driveway just yesterday actually! Oh and twice there was a moose at the high school, one on the field hockey field during a game and the other right outside the school!
    Anyone who enjoys this post should check out the Maine Memes page on facebook, so hilarious!

  9. Holy Fuck! Hilarious!

  10. Umm..you totally left out mud season. For those Mainers who live off of dirt roads late April and and early May can be quite the adventure. Mud so deep even four wheel drive may not save yer ass(but it definately helps).

  11. I was researching life in Northern Maine when I came across your site. Funny shit indeed! Our fam is from the Northwest, near Portland, Oregon. Daughter graduated Howard in D.C. and moved to NYC for her first job in PR. When I told her I was toying with the idea of retiring to Maine in a few years, all she could say was, “Uh, do you know how cold it gets up there in the winter?”

  12. Funny Funny!!! A true Mainah will really appreciate this, Thanks 🙂

  13. most of it sounds like a weekend in Canada

  14. hahahaa this is hilarious! (:

  15. i think its stiuped to tinkk so

  16. Fantastic!!! I can actually still do a gallon of milk n coffee brandy.. minus the fat ass in a glass.. I think I liked the panties coming off though.. its more “believable”.. Im just saying… You need to winter elsewhere.. sublet your apartment and get a winter job transfer.. Really, you might be a happier person. Im just sayin… Anyway~ Keep up the awesome entertaining blogs! I love to read them! It’s an escape… I must tell you about some truly national geographic animal shit Ive encountered up there… Very interesting!
    ~Love… Crystal

  17. Johnny Red… holy shit. What an ‘effin riot. Gotta be a Mainah though.. poutine I expected..Allen’s I expected but spreadable pork? I want the recipe!

  18. Advantage: Freaks coming out of the woodwork during the summertime. They provide hella good fodder for blog entries some ten years down the road. Don’t forget the whole “looks on their faces” when you meet up with eager young scholars, new to college life in a tiny town in northern Maine, then it finally hits them that they are actually stuck in a tiny town in northern Maine.

    You’re right about ployes though. They only taste good with about half a pound of butter.

    Don’t forget about the seasonal affective disorder, which I believe was actually coined by a shrink in northern Maine, who after undergoing an abyssmal 9 months of freezing cold, and mass psychosis culminating in dysphoric hallucinations, figured “Holy Shit!! This place is fucking NUTS!! I gotta get out of here!”

    • You’re right about doing a blog on the freaks that somehow found their way to us.

      “You guys sound crazy enough to get me across that border!” -Charlie Brown

      I think the winter entry covered my seasonal affective disorder. lol!

    • see good

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