Johnny Red and His Team of Scientists VS. The Alien Invasion!!!

It’s dark now. No sounds, no movement, no lights, save for those blasted search lights, scouring the land for any signs of life. We’ve learned to move in the shadows. We’ve learned to be as quiet as a feather in the breeze. We’ve learned that all we have left is hope.

Hope, and an unrelenting thirst for vengeance against those little grey bastards!!





This is Johnny Red. I’m writing this journal as a record of my Team of Scientists and I’s attempt to bring the alien invasion to a halt. If we fail, and God forbid succumb to the anal death probes ourselves, we wanted the rest of the world to know that we tried.

Our plan right now is fairly simple. Merely to bring down one of their nightly patrol vessels, open it up like a tin can, kill the little grey fuck inside, then…study it.

Our resource has told us that a single nightly patrol vessel monitors this area. How does our resource know this? Because he is the only man to ever survive the anal death probe and escape from their alien grasp. He’s become a folk hero in these dark times. He’s revered as humanity’s savior. He can barely speak English. My Team of Scientists and I were fortunate enough to find this man.


His name is Billy Willy. The smell alone was atrocious.

His name is Billy Willy. The smell alone was atrocious.


When asked how he managed to survive the anal death probe, Billy Willy told me, “I figurd dem aliens like lookin’ up people’s bums, so I grabbed what was nearest by me, and up it went.”


Pictured: Object that, "Up it went."

Pictured: Object that, "Up it went."


He explained what happened next.

“See them alien’s prober couldn’t get into my bum, on account of my leatherman. So they pull’d it out and started examin’ it. While they was busy I snook off to find the telepert room. I knows from the Star Trek that there’s always gonna be a telepert room.”

I can’t believe I’m saying this, but his logic is near flawless. Anyway, as he was saying.

“Once I founded that telepert room, I stepped into this light and before I could say, ‘racoon dinner’, I was teleperted back to where they first picked me ups.”

I asked Billy Willy if the aliens put up a fight while he was trying to escape? He replied, “Dat’s the thing! These aliens are big and scary with them space ships flying around, but they is puny and soft demselves. I had to use some Star Trek Diplomicy to get inside the teleperter room.”




Billy Willy’s experience has provided my Team of Scientists and I crucial information regarding our alien invaders. They are susceptible to physical harm just like us humans. I thanked Billy Willy for telling me his story, then handed over a 30 rack of Bud Light, a new pair of overalls, and a bar of soap. He was excited for only two of these things.

So this brings us up to date on our current mission. Scientist #3 has lured the patrol vessel towards an open field. Surrounding this field are a series of hills. Hills with plenty of hiding places. Hiding places large enough to allow us the time and cover to set up the LARGEST GOD DAMN TESLA COIL EVER MADE!!

It’s in range Scientist #2!! Turn it on!!





Holy shit! It worked! Quickly my Team of Scientists! Get me inside that ship!

Using a variety of cutting instruments, prying devices, and a few small explosives, my Team of Scientists finally managed to open the doors to the patrol vessel.

Waiting for me as the doors opened…


Why, hello! Tell me Mr. Grey, do you know what a crowbar is??

Why, hello! Tell me Mr. Grey, do you know what a crowbar is??




*Alien screams!*



Get it back to base! Oh, and fetch my tools!

Get it back to base! Oh, and fetch my tools!


Back at our makeshift base I begin the autopsy. Billy Willy was right in the fact that the aliens are very much like us. Similar bone structure, humanoid in appearance.

Scientist #2 hand me that scalpel!


Ok, now give me that rib splitter!


I tear into this grey the way a spoiled child would a christmas present. And with twice the joy!


Grey's Anatomy

Grey's Anatomy


Upon dissecting the grey, I’ve noticed something odd. Well the whole thing is odd, but something specific.

Cat hair. There are traces of cat hair in this grey’s stomach! This reminded me of something Billy Willy told me.

“Is not just peoples they is taking ‘neither. All the cats in the areas have gone missin’ too.”

I had originally disregarded this comment from Billy Willy, but it appears he may be right again. Thinking back on the last few months on the run with my Team of Scientists, we never came across one cat. Hiding in dark alleys, sneaking through empty cities at night, and finally traversing through the countryside, I can’t recall seeing a single cat. Not even a stray! What does this mean?

Pondering this revelation would have to wait, as my Team of Scientists has informed me that…the Mothership has arrived! I tell my Team of Scientists that I would face this threat alone. In case I don’t come back I’ll need them to continue my work, and continue the fight against the grey menace. Unsurprisingly, they don’t argue to go with me.


Take me to your bastard leader!

Take me to your bastard leader!


After being transported onto the Alien Mothership, I find myself in what appears to be a holding cell of some kind. Luckily for me Scientist #4 handed me his nifty electronic skeleton key. Hey! If you can transfer a virus from a Earth computer to an Alien computer like in “Independence Day”, then I can use a damn electronic skeleton key.

Once free of my cell I notice that I’m not the only prisoner on this ship. There are hundreds, if not thousands of holding cells in this area. And judging by the alarms I’ve set off by using the electronic skeleton key, I should probably find some help.

Door one.


"Well you see the thing about greys is sometimes they are green! Whoa! Nanu! Nanu!"

"Well you see the thing about greys is sometimes they are green! Whoa! Nanu! Nanu!"


I don’t think so, you sasquatch of a man! *Slam!*


Door two.





No, I’m not Eliot you space passifist! *Slam!*


Door three.


"Thank goodness! Now all we have to do is reverse encode their hyper thrusters and they will be instantly sent back to their point of origin!"

"Thank goodness! Now all we have to do is reverse encode their hyper thrusters and they will be instantly sent back to their point of origin!"


Sorry my good Doctor, but you’re not stealing my thunder! *Slam!*


Door four.


*garble garble* Predator speech. *garble garble*

*garble garble* Predator speech. *garble garble*


Oooooh! Yes my friend! You will do nicely!!

Recognizing that I have freed him from his cell, The Predator has opted not to disembowel me. No sooner have we recognized our unholy alliance, the holding area is flooded with greys. I tell the Predator that I need to get to the command room and discover who is leading this alien invasion.

He cuts a swath. A bloody, grey swath.

We have reached the command room door. I instruct The Predator to guard the entrance while I use the electronic skeleton key to get inside.

My worst fears come true.


Gordon Shumway aka ALF!!

Gordon Shumway aka ALF!!


Well this explains the missing cats.


It has occured to me that many of my younger readers have no idea who ALF is. ALF came to Earth in the mid-eighties and used his intelligence and charm to parley an acting career. He had a hit television show that ran over 100 episodes. People loved him. But I knew what he was really after.


He liked to eat fucking cats.

He liked to eat fucking cats.


Luckily his popularity came to a close before he could enact his endgame. However, over twenty years later, he’s at it again!

*End Interlude*


Alf and I lock eyes. He’s staring at me with a horrible curiosity. Perplexed on how I was able to survive the alien invasion, escape my holding cell, and now stand before him.

“Oh, you must be one of the clever ones? I have an entire holding area where I keep the clever ones.”

“Yeah I know. In fact one such clever one is currently tearing your army of greys a new one.”

Alf slams his fist on his desk. He then rises from his chair and makes his way down to me, all the while yapping in typical villain speak.

“I tried once before to acquire our resources in a peaceful manner. But you humans turned me into a joke!”

“By resources I’m assuming you mean cats? Very clever how you hid the abduction of our house cat population with an alien invasion.”

Alf is now face to face with me.

“You will not get in my way!  You will now experience the awesome power of Gordon Shumway, THE LAST OF THE MELMACIAN RACE!!”

“Yeah well, feel this!”


A crowbar: Never leave home without it.

A crowbar: Never leave home without it.


After several strikes with my mighty crowbar, Alf’s limp body falls to the floor. I throw the crowbar down and step back to admire my work. Alf still manages to continue talking.

“What’s the matter human? Don’t have the stomach to finish the job? Hahaha! This is but a minor set back in my plan.”

“Oh, I have the stomach alright, but I think your end should come from those seeking retribution.”

“…How do you mean?”

“You see I came across another holding area on my way here. And I don’t think they have been fed in a while.”

“No! No! It can’t end this way!”

“Hey fellas!”


Yes! Yes you can!

Yes! Yes you can!


Alf gargles his last sounds as the cats devour him. I make my way to the command console of the Mothership to free the prisoners from their holding cells, and teleport them back to their homeworlds. I then teleport the captured house cats back home to Earth.

There is only one thing left to do. I send forth a command signal for all the alien ships to return to the Mothership. Once they have all docked I proceed with Johnny Red’s endgame.


Of course every spaceship has one.

Of course every spaceship has one.


After pushing the button I teleport myself back home. The Mothership explodes and lights up the night sky. With my Team of Scientists by my side we stand confident as cheers are heard from every town and city on Earth.


10 months later


My Team of Scientists and I are hard at work on our Quantum State Device when we hear a knock at the front door. I command Scientist #3 to go see who it is.

He returns with a perplexed look on his face, and also carrying what appears to be a small basket.

“It came with a note,” He says.


"Now he's YOUR responsibility!!!"

"Now he's YOUR responsibility!!!"


My Team of Scientists look to me for an answer. That’s when it hits me that I had completely forgotten about that…other holding cell I had found.




Um...alright I have five minutes, so let's make them count!

Um...alright I have five minutes, so let's make them count!



John Michael Gagnon…Beam Me Up…Johnny Red 




Posted on September 24, 2009, in There is No Such Thing as Fiction and tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink. 8 Comments.

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  2. You should have kept Morks suspenders ;-P

  3. This was worth the wait Johnny Redd! Thoroughly enjoyed it once again. Thank you!

    BTW, When do we get to meet your love-child?

    • Love-child formed a cocoon around itself about a month ago. When it emerged it was a full grown alien/human hybrid adult. It went off to pursue a career in politics.

  4. Seriously, I just found your blog via the Tesla article, and after reading through some of the posts (especially the Tom Waits will Fuck You Up section) this is my new favorite blog. Thanks for sharing and keep it coming!

    • Thanks for commenting Mike. I’ll definitely keep this blog running as long as I keep hearing people want to read it. Also I have to write it to empty out my brain helmut now and again. 😉

  5. You have a busy head… Johnny Red. Enjoyed your post!

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