Top 5 Ways to Make My Job Managing a Produce Department Easier

As many of you already know, I recently took a management position in the produce department of my local grocery store. Yep, goodbye are the days of being a mild mannered night manager. I have to admit I went head on into this new, well not really new since I used to manage a produce department, venture with confidence and a new zest for life.

That lasted about a week.

So here’s the third blog entry detailing the sufferings one goes through when working in a grocery store.

 

grocery_store

 

5. Why am I Awake and at Work Before the God Damn Sun is Up?!

 

So here’s how my typical day managing the produce department starts. First I am awakened by my alarm clock. My alarm clock has a very unique sound to it. I’ve spent many years trying to pin point exactly what it is and I think I’ve finally figured it out.

It sounds just like the Angelic shriek of a fallen Angel cast out of Heaven as it decends towards the Earth to conquer the worm. And if not exactly like that sound then it comes pretty damn close.

 

Pictured: My Alarm Clock

Pictured: My Alarm Clock

 

And do you want to know the worst part about it? I usually set my alarm clock to go off about an hour before I have to get up just so I can go back to bed for another hour. But that extra hour of sleep is restless because I know…I know it’s about to shriek it’s unholy cries again. And here’s another quirk about my alarm clock. If I’m lucky enough to wake up a minute or two before the alarm clock goes off and I manage to switch it off…IT STILL GOES OFF!!  And the only way to stop it is to actually hit it. I have to punch my alarm clock quiet almost every morning.

I suppose my mornings wouldn’t be too bad if it wasn’t for the fact that I’m an insomniac. Always have been, and always will be. Combine insomnia with having to get up and be at work for 5am and it’s a recipe for delirious fun. Half the time I’m lucky if I can even dress myself properly. There are many theories on why people have insomnia. I’m still not exactly sure why I have it.

 

That's certainly a possibility.

That's certainly a possibility.

 

Scientists recently discovered that insomnia might be a genetic mutation. They claim that some people only need about four to six hours of sleep a night. Do you know what that makes me? The LAMEST X-man of all!

 

"Bwhahaha! You can't stop me, X-man! What are you going to do?!", "I'm gonna go take a four hour nap and hope this whole thing just blows over."

"Bwhahaha! You can't stop me, X-man! What are you going to do?!", "I'm gonna go take a four hour nap and hope this whole thing just blows over."

 

I guess when it comes down to it I still don’t understand why I have to be at work at 5am. I understand that I’m working with fruits and vegetables, but I’m not an actual fucking farmer. Let them get up early since they love it so much!

 

4. Please Understand that Certain Items are Only Available by Season

 

The following is an actual conversation I had with a random douchebag.

Random Douchebag: “Excuse me, but where are you cortland apples?”

Johnny Red: “I’m sorry sir but they are not in season yet.”

Random Douchebag: “No! They are in season! I know this for a fact!”

Johnny Red: “Well sir according to our supplier they are not.”

Random Douchebag: “I want cortalnd apples!”

Johnny Red: “Ooooooh! Well let me just go out back and harvest some from our God Damn apple orchard! Hey everyone! Have you seen my bushel basket?! Where’s my fucking bushel basket?!”

 

Ok the conversation didn’t go exactly like that, but you catch my drift.

 

 

Apple orchard, NOT the back of our grocery store.

Apple orchard, NOT the back of our grocery store.

 

 

Granted cortland apples may have just come into season, it doesn’t mean that they have been harvested, packaged, sent to our warehouse downstate, and then shipped to our store. We don’t have a teleporter device, let alone time manipulation technology at your family friendly grocery store.

 

Cortland apples you say? I'll just fire up the old produce portal.

Cortland apples you say? I'll just fire up the old produce portal.

 

Here are a few items that my produce department carries only briefly once a year. Cranberries in the fall, cherries in mid-summer, chef potatoes in the fall, fiddleheads in the spring, and my patience for a short time during the holidays.

 This entry also reminded me of how an elderly lady recently managed to hit both ends of the ignorant spectrum. She demanded that we get both cherries AND cranberries for her. It was fucking August! Cherries are early to mid summer, and cranberries are only available in the fall.

 

I said cherries AND cranberries!

I said cherries AND cranberries!

 

 

3. I Didn’t Go to Produce College

 

 When you go to the hospital you understand that the doctor treating you has spent many years being educated in their field. When you hire a lawyer you know that they too have spent many years researching and studying their profession. When you go into a grocery store and stroll through the produce department DO NOT expect me to have a understanding on everything that grows on a fucking tree, or in the ground. The difference between myself and the doctor and lawyer I mentioned is that I didn’t have to take an exam to get hired.

Here’s an example. Star fruit. I don’t know how many times I’ve been asked how to cut, prepare and eat a star fruit.

 

"So exactly how are you supposed to eat this?", "I don't know, with your fucking mouth?"

"So exactly how are you supposed to eat this?", "I don't know, with your fucking mouth?"

 

When I look at a star fruit all I want to tell the customer is that from my vast knowledge of Super Mario Bros. games, I know that if you eat one you will become temporarily invincible. Now eat one and run into oncoming traffic.

You see every now and again people will get a wild hair up their ass and want to do or try something new. But rather than go skydiving, take up painting, or spin around a brass pole a few times, they wander into my produce department and decide eating exotic fruit is their answer.  Of course they come into the produce department with absolutely no knowledge of what to do with the items they are buying. Instead they expect me to have all the answers.

 

"Actually, I know exactly what you can do with this."

"Actually, I know exactly what you can do with this."

 

So time and time again I’m put in a position where I have to cater to the customer’s demands. I end up ordering all kinds of exotic fruits and vegetables to satisfy the wanton lusts of white middle-class curiosity. We order kumquats, rambutans, dragon fruits, and mangosteens. I supply passion fruit, jack fruit, ugli fruit, and lychee. Pomegranates, pomelos, cactus pears, and acai.

And that folks is an excerpt from my upcoming Dr. Suess book.

 

For children and adults of all ages.

For children and adults of all ages.

 

BUT, every now and again I have to deal with a customer that is on the complete opposite side of this scenario. They can’t seem to grasp the concept of basic fruits or vegetables. Once a lady came into the store asking for frozen diced carrots because she wanted to make a chicken pot pie. Simple right? Wrong! We didn’t carry frozen diced carrots. But I’ll tell you what we did carry. EVERY OTHER TYPE OF CARROT KNOWN TO MAN! I showed her our frozen chopped carrots and baby carrots. Nope didn’t want them. I showed her our fresh carrots. Whole carrots, shredded carrots, diced carrots, baby carrots etc. Do you know what this women told me?

“Well I guess I can’t make my chicken pot pie.”

Do you know what’s great about a carrot? You can do whatever the fuck you want with it. You can actually DICE them too!

 

WARNING: When I said you can do whatever you want with a carrot, I was referring to food. Please do not play hide the carrot. It may result in harm to you physical health and your reputation.

WARNING: When I said you can do whatever you want with a carrot, I was referring to food. Please do not play hide the carrot. It may result in harm to your physical health and your reputation.

 

2. I Don’t Want to be Associated With the Soy and Tofu Section

 

I just want to go on record as saying that although the soy, tofu, and veggie meat(?) section is in my produce department, I don’t want anything to do with it. I wash my hands of that abomination of a department. I don’t understand hippy, earthy people food. Frankly, it scares the living shit out of me. For example.

 

TOFU

 

I don’t know what tofu is. All I know is that it’s a grey block of pliable material…and people eat it. It’s colorless, flavorless, and souless. The same goes for all those soy products. I know soy comes from soy nuts right? Then how the fuck do you make soy milk, let alone soy bathroom cleaner? It’s against God and Science.

Here’s another product we carry in our abomination section. It’s called Polenta. It comes vaccum sealed in a tube of terror.

 

I'm not lying. The label actually says you can serve it baked, fried, or as mush. Mush???

I'm not lying. The label actually says you can serve it baked, fried, or as mush. Mush???

 

One last thing on this entry, as I want to move on as quickly as possible, but what gives the soy and tofu industry the right to copy our meat products? Hey hippies, you don’t want to eat meat that’s fine, but stop trying to make your piles of mush look and taste like meat. You made a choice in your lives and you should stick with it. Why would you want your food to emulate the very thing you are so against? I think Denis Leary said it best when he said, “Meat tastes like murder, and murder tastes pretty fucking good!” Is that what you really want trust fund hippies?

Oh and let’s not forget the most horrifying creation they have come up with yet. The Tofurky!!!

 

Go ahead and serve that plate to your World War II vet Grandfather during Thanksgiving. I laugh as he kicks your ass on your front lawn in front of your neighbors.

Go ahead and serve that plate to your World War II vet Grandfather during Thanksgiving. I laugh as he kicks your ass on your front lawn in front of your neighbors.

 

 

1. I Shouldn’t Have to Risk My Well Being and Life Itself Everyday

 

Didn’t expect this to top my top 5 did you? I mean how much danger could I possibly be in while managing and working in the produce department of a grocery store? Well I’ll start off small and then work my way up.

Do you know what an artichoke is?

 

Why would you put this in your mouth?

Why would you put this in your mouth?

 

Artichoke leaves are sharp as fuck. Have you ever stuck your hand into a box of fresh artichokes? I bet you haven’t. Well I have and have the pin point scars to prove it. At least once a week I find myself swearing at a box of artichokes as each one I pull out of that box tears a bit more of my hand flesh away.

Handling artichokes is the equivalent of giving a cactus a hand job.

 

Touch it. You know you want to.

Touch it. You know you want to.

 

 

 Alright a few small jabs at my hands aren’t too bad. Well how about almost cutting my fingers off? Several times. When you walk by those nicely wrapped and packaged cut and sliced fruit in our produce section do you ever wonder who cuts that fruit up?  I do. Well most of the cut fruit. We do recieve some pre-cut fresh fruit, but the watermelons, honeydew, and cantaloupes are all cut fresh in our department. Do you have any idea how slick the skin of a honeydew is? Well just ask the fingers on my left hand.

 

Nerve impulses you fail me!

Nerve impulses you fail me!

 

Still no sympathy huh? Well I’ll turn it up a notch.

Everyone loves bananas right? They have to be the most popular fruit on the planet. Do you know where all our bananas come from? If you said South America then give yourself a pat on the back, or a shot of hard alcohol, I don’t know what you do at home alone. 

 

Bananas. Yum a dum dum.

Bananas. Yum a dum dum.

 

Hey do you know what else comes from South America? Giant God Damn tarantulas!

 

I don't think they have as much potassium as bananas.

I don't think they have as much potassium as bananas.

 

That’s right folks! Every now and again a tarantula decides that a box of bananas is a great place to live. Although it is rare sometimes these furry devil creatures will hop a ride all the way to America stored away in our produce freight. Personally I haven’t seen one yet, but a co-worker of mine did find one in a box of bananas a few years back. Luckily for her the tarantula was dead. Or maybe it was lucky for the tarantula because she can be crabby in the morning.

I did find a small spider in the bananas once. I captured it in a plastic container. It then proceeded to spit a clear liquid, which I’m assuming was a venom, onto the inside of that plastic container. I threw it in the dumpster and went home to quietly cry myself to sleep.

WARNING: If you continue to read this blog entry you may never choose to step foot in the produce department again. This is a warning and I am not to be held responsible for what you are about to see and read. 

  

Mmmmm grapes!

Mmmmm grapes!

 

Grapes are probably one of my favorite fruits. They are a good snack, good for you, and come in many tasty varieties. And they are also used to make wine for when you want to get shitfaced.

In fact grapes are probably the complete opposite of one of the things I don’t like so much. And that is to die a horrible painful death. Oh! Did you think the gut wrenching horror stopped with tarantulas?

 

Black Widow Spider: The Lizzie Borden of the spider community

Black Widow Spider: The Lizzie Borden of the spider community

 

At least twice a year we get a e-mail or fax from corporate warning that black widow spiders were found in the grape shipments. Really? Am I paid enough to risk my life for this job? I guess in this economy I am.

Here are some interesting tid bits from the corporate e-mail. They say that if we do see a black widow spider to immediately try and kill it. They don’t say to throw the bag of grapes to the ground and run away screaming like a school girl, which is what I would most likely do. No, they say to douse it with vinegar to kill it. What?? Apparently black widow spiders can only be killed this way. If you try to simply step on them their spider strength will throw you off balance and then they will feast on your life energies.

 

 

"I have you now puny human!"

"I have you now puny human!"

 

  

Probably my favorite part of the black widow warning is that we are told to make sure we inspect every bag of grapes we put out. Yeah, I have to actually look for those horrible little fuckers. Also we are told if we are bit that another co-worker should try to search for said black widow spider because the medical professionals trying to keep your ass from an early grave could use it. 

I know the people I work with. And I think I know the result if I ever get bit by a black widow spider while at work.

 

Funny_tombstone05 

 

Bonus Content

There’s a lot of down time in my job.

 

Hey hippies!! Look what I made out of MY food!

Hey hippies!! Look what I made out of MY food!

 

John Michael Gagnon…aka…Johnny Red

johnnyredtoon

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Posted on October 8, 2009, in Top 5's, Uncategorized and tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink. 53 Comments.

  1. This was outrageously hilarious!! This article gave me some good laughs! Thanks!!

  2. Holy crap so funny im a produce clerk. not a producr manager but what you said is spot on in my expeirence

  3. Danielle Zlock

    As a fellow produce manager.. I laughed my ass off reading this. It’s so good to know that I am not alone in this shit. There’s days I fantasize about launching grapefruits at customers who constantly bitch and moan. Thank you lol.

    • Dave the Produce Clerk

      I’ve been working “part-time” in produce for two years (I’ll work well over 40 but they make sure to place those hours in two different “De

  4. OMG I died twice reading this!!! 1) you’re deliciously hilarious.. Seriously – I’m eating this right up & would love seconds! And 2) THE SPIDERS!?!? (My ONLY true fear on the planet – its been irrational before now..)
    Its Wednesday… Come Friday, I will officially be the Produce Manager at our little local Foodland here in our TINY village in The Middle of Nowhere, Ontario Canada.
    Did I mention I have ZERO experience in “produce” other than loving the fact that you can heal/cure/prevent almost any ailment from what you eat? I believe its what’s gotten me thru the past 2.5 weeks in this new job, but my love for this is growing thin.
    I can already relate tho, to ALMOST all of this. I PRAY to the Produce Gods that I NEVER relate to the spiders…. Please… Please.. Oh Dear God… I’ll let you know if I ever die “Thrice”.

  5. This is hilarious! I am a Customer Service Manager for over 3 years and my Store Manager decided to put me in Produce Department for a change. Man, two weeks of working there makes me gain muscles. Lifting boxes of fruits ang vegetables especially potatoes is heavy for me for the fact that I do more talking in customer service now it’s manual. But anyway, I was browsing some helpful info about produce and directed me to your blog. Wow, you made my day! Thanks for the post and i will surely remember this as I work my ass up and head down in produce. 🙂

  6. Awesome!! I love it!

  7. I was directed to your blog from a grocery store manager. Three produce people laughed their butts off as I read your stuff to them in the breakroom. I’ve worked in a supercenter produce dept for over 7 years now…and you are spot on. The spiders in the banana boxes is easy…..the three different types of toxic gases which have been sprayed on the bananas to retard the ripening process, is what scares the HELL out of me.
    Why do people put their bananas in one of the little plastic produce bags? All their crap gets put in plastic shopping bags at the check-outs anyway! ! ! ! ! We carry Golden Delicious Apples…….the raw egg of the apple kingdom…..if you look at a Golden Delicious Apple with an ugly tone in your voice, you will bruise them. For every one of them that sells, ten get thrown away. If I had a say in it, our store wouldn’t even bother to carry them….and I feel nobody would notice Golden Delicious Apples were missing.
    You rock ! ! ! !

  8. Hey man, big two thumbs-up! I’m a produce manager for a Coop (scared of hippies? you ain’t seen nuthin yet). Been manager for close to a year, a buyer for about 2 and a stocker for 5. Best dept in a groc store but man, my fuse is about up. I came down here tonight to try to find something on the net regarding tips on how to deal with awful upper-managment that doesn’t know shit about produce but wants you to do things different–ohh, but they won’t tell you what. Well, I instead found your blog and laughed so hard I forgot about my shitty-mood. You are right-on with everything you said man, to the smallest detail. THANK you for this man. We produce boys and girls need a place to vent!!

  9. This is fantastic!! It’s nice to know someone else shares my frustration as well as my twisted sense of humor! I am the produce manager of a large retail chain and just this week I was filling the banana table and I pulled a bunch out of the box and SURPRISE!!! Right where the stems attach is a big fuzzy spider about the size of a walnut all wrapped in a ball. I calmly put the bunch back in the box and took it to the backroom where I began frantically paging for my store manager who was of no help! She began to scream “throw it away”!! I replied with, “in the garbage compactor? Don’t you think it will just climb out? She told me to kill it and throw it out NOW!! I am not paid nearly enough to have this thing lunge at my face and have me for a snack so I threw the entire box into the compactor and started it. It’s winter and -14 so my hope is, Its dead. My fear is, it’s receiving’s new mascot!

    • Or that huge costa rican spider is going to breed with some other spider and create a new super race of spiders.I’m just waiting to find a full grown monkey in a banana box one day. 😉

  10. I started working in the produce section at my local grocery store 3 months ago, and I have to say… Your article hit the nail in the head and I laughed hard at the artichoke section (I Sympathize). My biggest problem is when the the shelves of a certain product are empty( For good reason!) they still manage to come up to me and ask “Do you have any more Jalapenos in the back???”

    • Or if a item is out of season or the crop is freezing cause its winter and you can’t get it ,they talk to you as if it is your fault! Example, last week large british black lady asks “why are you out of rasberries again today?” Reply “sorry mamm the freezing weather in California is making the supply gap in several categories coming out of cali particularly berries”.fat downtown julie brown replies “you don’t care you are just saying that, I drove 30 min to get here and you are out of product.” I mean come on lady really??

  11. I found a black widow in an orange box couple weeks back, luckily noone bought the box and took it home rofl, had a lady ask me the other day for anus instead of anise

  12. Great post John,
    I’m a produce clerk being trained to become produce manager and can sympathize with some of those comments. I can’t say I’ve ever found any black widows or tarantulas but have seen a weird beige spider or two running around our cooler (just before I stomp it that is). Artichokes are a killer, I wear disposable gloves and I still get stung by them. We end up throwing our quite a bit of them in the end too.
    The only thing I can’t sympathize with is if you don’t like it that much, why are you still there? I personally love it and will continue on to become the manager regardless of the peril it involves because I’m a health freak (emphasis on freak) lol. I love fruit and veggies and love learning more about them. (oh and star fruits taste almost like grapes and can be eaten with the peel .. mind the seeds though).

    I do agree that it is not an easy job, it might even be one of the toughest in the supermarket (I’ve worked in almost all the departments including dairy). It’s pretty hard to find workers that are good enough to last past 2 months where I work. We went to 2 of them in the last 2 months. They said it was too hard on their body and they weren’t quick enough to set out the produce on the stands.

    Anyhow, don’t lose faith my fellow produce man.
    Take Care

    • You should Start your own Produce Mgr Blog or website,Give multiple angles on the subject…Awarness will give the public a greater respect of the demands we face on a daily basis…

  13. I just started working in produce at a DOD commissary, I loved your article.

  14. Who, as a child, says, “When I grow up, I want to work in produce!” I have it on good authority all of you are big fat liars. I know for a fact, that at my grocery store, all the produce is handled by Chris Brown and Mike Tyson. I haven’t had a piece of fruit in over 3 years that didn’t look like it dated Chris Brown and for fun, got in the ring with Mike Tyson for a few rounds. Liar, liar, pants on fire.

  15. My my my, me me me, I I I. What idiot hired you to manage their produce department. (Yes their, not yours) Nobody in the entire world gives a shit what is important to YOU, you dumb bastard. Your company pays you to make sure that customers are happy to trade money for the goods and services the CUSTOMER wants and needs. And the company you work for trades their money to you to make sure the customer can find the goods and services the customer needs, because hey, buddy, if they can’t get it at your store, they can get it at another! No customer money coming in= what is your purpose here again? Don’t know what a star fruit is? That’s ok buddy, your customer didn’t know either. When a person doesn’t know somethng, we say they are ignorant. Ignorance is natural, normal, and everyone is ignorant about all manner of things that do not effect their lives. However, when a person, (such as yourself) is in a position of authority and is ignorant about the products someone else pays them to MANAGE THE MARKETING of, and that person (still talking about you) refuses to educate themselves about the products….well that’s stupid. But to use a forum such as this blog to tell anyone who will listen that you are both ignorant and stupid, that is just plain foolish. And the world does not suffer fools. Your fired!

  16. I just started in the produce Department at Walmart, and I totally can relate to the dumb questions customers ask. But this is some of the funniest stuff i’ve read in a long time…

  17. I am applying for my first produce manager position… yippee me! haha Was looking for tips for the interview since I would have to have “strong marketing skills for presentation and profitability.’ Your blog came up, haha. Really gets me excited to apply. Anyways, anything you would be willing to tell me about this presentation business? 🙂

    • dont do it go to school produce sucks its stessfull customers destroy your wet counter leaves everywhere step on blueberries after spilling a container its wet cold heavy hard work early and late shifts shit pay its more of a prestige thing haha

  18. I work as an assistant produce manager and I have actually found a tranquil black widow in the green grapes. I think being refrigerated put it to sleep. I promptly stomped it

  19. My coworkers are saying the guy showing a woman the pineapple is actually our head honcho of all the produce departments…cool 😄

  20. I am applying for a job as a stocker in produce, I have to say that I am ok with tarantulas but black widows and scorpions!!!????

  21. Awesome post Johnny…too funny!
    I love the comment on Artichokes and cactus! Even as a chef I honestly cannot understand some people’s fascination/love of artichokes. Personally I think they’re a bit too much work and trouble for what you actually get out of them.

    Here’s a question/comment for you…is there some sort of Produce Manager’s Code of Ethics that states “Never shall the Italian Parsley and Cilantro be separated”?

    They are always immediately side-by-side, sometimes in the same basket. If you don’t look closely you’re likely to grab the wrong one, particularly if a customer has just thrown it back in without paying attentiong and got it on the wrong side!

    Regarding the cherry and cranberry lady…
    I recently had a mother and daughter in one of my cooking classes in March (here in Savannah, GA) that, in a very snippity tone said “So…where are the peaches? We can’t find peaches anywhere”. I actually had to explain that they are a summer fruit and just because Georgia is known as the peach state we don’t actually have them available year round. It’s amazing how far removed some people actually are from how/when food gets from the grower to their store!

    Keep up the great posts!
    -Darin
    “Beyond the Recipe – Cooking Between the Lines”
    http://www.chefdarin.com

  22. Great article. I also work in a produce department. Let me tell you a couple of things I hate.

    Bananas truly are the most popular item in the entire department. What I can’t stand is people who want to make banana bread and are looking for over-ripened bananas. We have always gotten green bananas shipped, some hard as a rock, and when there’s none that have really aged, said customers freak. On the other hand, 9 of every 10 customers who see over-ripened bananas demand that I pull them from the shelves and give them those bananas packaged as ‘reduced produce’ (you get about 5 bananas for a dollar weighing them under reduced). So I have to explain to the friendly customers that over-ripened bananas never last, and you can only get them if bananas aren’t selling well a given week which is almost never the case.

    Another problem? Fresh corn in the summer. Good grief, the mess it makes.

    Finally, there’s the people who decide they HAVE to weigh EVERYTHING, even if it’s something as small as a kiwi, and if they don’t want it because they aren’t willing to pay that amount, they leave the fruit/vegetable in or near the scale and I have to return it. Drives me crazy.

    Of course these have more to do with customers than the department, but everyone tells me how I have one of the easiest jobs in the store and for these reasons I always argue with them! I like my job but produce is tough.

    • Ohhh yeeess, BANANAS! I have had a few good ones regarding bananas. First, we found a brazilian-wandering spider (very alive & with an egg sack on her back), looked her up online and took her to the university where we found out she is quite venomous. But customers are almost worst. First, the color (ripeness) is NEVER the ride shade, EVER. Green, yellow, brown and everything inbetween, never right. Also, EVERY customer–regardless if there are single bananas or smaller hands sitting right there, they ALWAYS have to grab a bigger hand than they want and break off a smaller one to buy. WTF. Oh, and best question I got about b’nanz (keep in mind I live in MN) “Excuse me, do you ever get in local bananas?” I think she thought I had a stroke because I paused for so long trying to figure out if she was joking or serious. And if serious…how she drove to the store and constructed a sentence… Hmmm…

    • friendly produce guy

      On the banana comment in my store we do reduce the over ripe bananas. 32cents a pound. They sell great. On the other hand i have a woman that comes in every week and only wants fully green bananas i asked her if she likes to ripen them herself. She said no she only eats green bananas.

  23. Again, have I told you I love you? Still too stalkery?

  24. HA! I’m a vegetarian, but I don’t get those veggie meats either. You’re a vegetarian, don’t fucking cheat!

  25. I’ve been working in the Produce Department in 3 grocery stores for over 3 years and I was a Produce Manager for a while last year. Everything you have said I can sympathize with, because I too hate waking up at 5am in the morning, dealing with dumb/incompetent customers, and risking my health in the Produce Department (ironic, since Produce is good for your health. Guess someone has to suffer).

  26. I, too, work in a produce department and can totally relate. I’ve found a black spider in grapes, pretty sure it was poisonous…,also a scorpion. Artichokes are a b!tch.

  27. Loved the Star fruit reference! I love being able to get ready for work in the morning and see that you’ve posted a new blog, because I know I’ll always get a good laugh before the start of my day! Thanks John!

    • You’re welcome Robby. I love using this blog as an outlet
      so I don’t have a complete nuclear nervous breakdown
      at work. I think it’s a win/win situation for everyone. lol!

  28. Loved the Star fruit reference! I love being able to get ready for work in the morning and see that you’ve posted a ne blog, because I know I’ll always get a good laugh before the start of my day! Thanks John!

  29. Although insomnia may suck to you, we, your faithful readers, are grateful beneficiaries to your affliction. Your insomnia makes it possible for you to entertain us, and entertain us well. This blog was one of my favorites. Thank you, Johnny Redd!!
    (Maybe a future blog should be devoted to insomnia. 😉

    • Thank you Donna. Late night delirium is where I shine!
      I could just imagine a blog on insomnia. I’d have to make
      sure I stayed up for three days straight before I wrote it. lol!

  30. I know a good THERAPIST!!!!

    • I have a rule. People who post as “Anonymous” have no right
      to question my sanity. Also everything mentioned, well
      mostly everything mentioned in this blog is fact. I don’t
      create this stuff, I just make it funny. 😉

  31. Great Blog! I knew there was a reason I hated to buy grapes! Oh, and a heads up about marshmallows; Marshmallows are recalled so often because mice and their droppings are found in them, mmmmmm goood!

    • I’m eating marshmallows right now and that explains why some of them have tails. 😉

      • Thanks for the post johnny..i will actually take over a large produce department that does 240k a week next month and I have no produce experience!?! God help me!!

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