Johnny Red’s Top 5 Christmas Wish List

A number of things have taken my time and energy away from getting a new blog posted.  The Holiday seasons are the worst time to work in a grocery store which drains every last ounce of energy out of me, it’s also gaming season so Borderlands and Left 4 Dead 2 have eaten up a lot of time, and now it seems I have been stricken with a rare mutated version of Swine-Flu called; Mega-Ultra-No-Happy-Fun-Time-Swine-Flu.    

On the plus side it’s help turn my apartment into some sort of makeshift bio-weapons lab.    

Here we see my Team of Scientists preparing my lunch. Awww!! Tomato soup and an egg omelet again?! It's a good thing I can't get out of this protective bubble!

Here we see my Team of Scientists preparing my lunch. WTF?! Tomato soup and an egg omelet again?! It's a good thing I'm trapped in this protective bubble!

Seeing as it’s been over a month since my last blog post I began to feel guilty. So I decided to write up this totally bullshit blog entry   list of Christmas Gifts I expect to find under my tree this year. Upon reflection I have concluded that I have been a right basterd very good boy this year. So if any of my readers find it in their generous hearts to help secure and deliver any/all of these items to me on Christmas Day I won’t have to unleash my Bio-Engineered Flu-bombs on your household would hold you in a special place in my heart forever.   

    

   

    

5. Movie/Television Replica Clothing 

    

You have probably already concluded from reading my previous blogs that I have a big problem with the reality we currently live in. Is this my fault? I didn’t choose to live in the near-iliterate, banal, mediocore, coast to coast shopping mall we call America. So until I master the awesome power of Reality Warping, I have to find other ways to keep my sanity.   

One of these ways is getting myself lost in great Science Fiction.  Whether it’s a book, graphic novel, movie, video game, or television show, I use the time I spend with them to escape this primitive world we live in.   

   

    

WTF NASA?! I should be an Outer Space Bounty Hunter where all my actions are accompanied with Jazz or Blues music by now!!!

     

This is where Abby Shot comes in. They specialize in recreating clothing from some of the most popular science fiction mediums out there. Movies, television, video games, etc. Two items on their site have caught my attention.  

   

First is a replica Browncoat worn by Captain Malcolm Reynolds in the amazing, albeit short lived sci-fi show Firefly.   

   

    

After all, Firefly helped teach me all the valuable lessons in life I now cherish.

Sporting the replica Browncoat will help seperate me from the crowd. In fact it may prompt several people in authority to literally seperate me from the crowd. But hey, that’s what being an outer space rebel will do. All for the low, low cost of…um….$359.  

Now that I own the Browncoat, all I need to do is find a spaceship and rowdy crew of rebels. Baby steps John, baby steps.

The second item that caught my attention is the replica coat of the 10th incarnation of Doctor Who. The new Doctor Who series will probably go down as my favorite sci-fi television show of all time. Mostly because it helped inspire me to create and write Monster Rebellion.  

So…yeah I want this.  

Notice the bright blue inside lining. For that touch of the future!

Also, if any woman wants to travel with me in a time traveling blue police box they also sell the Doctor’s companion jacket as well.  

*Note: I don't really own a time traveling blue police box, BUT if you have a good imagination I know an empty dumpster that might work.

I also belive that acquiring these items will help me in my defense against the soon to be implemented state required therapy sessions I’ll be forced to endure.  

"John...for the last time you ARE NOT a traveling spaceman!", "Oh yeah, then explain this JACKET!", "Sigh..."

 

4. A Jet Pack of Some Kind

This item is fairly simple. You see growing up reading comic books and watching sci-fi movies I have concluded that we are long over due for public jet packs. I don’t understand why this is such a difficult device to create? We can send rocket ships to the moon, but can’t strap those same rockets to a human torso? I smell a cover up. And I believe there is a consensus on this as well.  

I think that statement speaks for all of us.

So I’ve done some reasearch and discovered that there have been many advances in the science of human rocket technology.  I am grateful to these individuals who have helped further my goal of owning a jet pack. I say this because on one occasion I allowed my Team of Scientists to take up the cause. The results were….less than favorable.  

  

    

 A gentleman by the name of Eric Scott has made many advances in jet pack technology. In fact he has even broken a Guinness world record by traveling 68 mph in his jet pack prototype.  

Here’s a pic of Eric Scott doing what he does best.  

   

Impressive? Yes. Comfortable? Doesn't look it.

Well as impressive as Eric Scott’s jet pack feats have been, there’s still just something primitive about his design. No, if I am to use a jetpack I want something with style.  

Let’s see what the Military is currently cooking up.  

Definitely has the style I'm looking for but...why would I need a parachute?

Ugh…the need for a parachute totally negates the purpose of a fully functioning  jet pack. If this was for sale on Amazon I’d give it two stars.  

Why is this so difficult? Did, or didn’t I watch a documentary when I was young about an awesome jet pack? I recall it clearly.  

This was a documentary right?

Ok I’m gonna be honest here. The reason I want a jet pack is because I’m sure it will impress women. If big pick-up trucks and motorcycles can somehow cancel out the logical reasons a woman should date someone, then a jet pack must be like spanish fly.  

You're safe now M'am. I own a jet pack....and flame resistant pants!

 

3. A Mascot Costume

   

If any of you are worried that you might end up buying me the same gift as everyone else who reads this sight, then don’t worry because this entry is for you.  

I want a full size, deluxe mascot costume. Doesn’t matter what it’s of. As long as it practically covers me completely. The reason I want one of these is because the potential for hilarity seems almost limitless.  

I can be this…  

  

   

 or this…  

   

  

or this…  

  

Just imagine Johnny Red walking the streets of Northern Maine decked out in this!  

"Where's your God now?!"

The only problem is these costumes tend to cost thousands of dollars a piece. But remember that I’ve been a decietful power hungry megalomaniac very, very good boy this year.  

Also remember the potential for hilarity.  

 

2. A Robot

   

There are countless ways owning a robot could make my life less complicated. I could get so much more done with a robot assistant. This would leave me the time and energy I need to complete all the experiments my Team of Scientists and I have put on the back burner.  

A robot could help me with dealing with annoying customers while doing my job managing a Produce Department.  

INITIATING CAKE HOLE SILENCING IN 2.3 SECONDS

   

They can help me with transporting all those “volunteers” the military supplies to me for my experiments.

 

"My recruiter said I'd get bonus pay for this!", "SILENCE MORTAL!"

They can also help clean up after the Zombie Apocalypse, WHICH I might add still wasn’t my fault no matter how the media is trying to spin it.

"DEAD ZOMBIE, LIVE HUMAN, WHAT'S THE DIFFERENCE?", "What was that?", "ERR...NOTHING."

I also believe that having a robot friend would be a great way to talk out my troubles to an obedient ear without judgement.

"ONCE THE FLESHY ONE PASSES OUT I'LL BE FREE."

But there is one robot I absolutely do not want. Just the thought of that robotic monstrosity haunts my nightmares. Why it was even built is a mystery. When I think of the time, money, and research spent on developing that abomination makes me lose faith in humanity…and robots.

Tentacle Rape Robot: I don't want it!!

1. Warren Ellis

 

Warren Ellis is probably the greatest influence on me as a writer. He’s revolutionized science fiction comics. If there was no Warren Ellis there would be no Monster Rebellion to entertain you people when you probably should be working.

He drinks, smokes, and is all around edgy and paranoid. Yep, he's a writer.

Some of his most influential works have been the entire Transmetropolitan series…

A tale about a strange, horrifying, humorous future America that may just come to be.

His work on Planetary…

Archeologists who unearth mysteries relating to fringe science and pop culture lore.

And more currently Doktor Sleepless…

Mad Scientist who broadcasts to the masses through his own radio show.

Unlike most uppity writers, Warren Ellis tends to keep himself grounded and on the same level as the fans who read his work. I’ve had a few e-mail conversations with him myself. Although he’d probably never admit it, he’s quite humble except for the times he asked all his fans to refer to him as, “Internet Jesus”, and “Love Swami.” He even keeps a twitter account open to all his fans. Here are a few excerpts that he recently posted on his website WarrenEllis.com .

On Pitching Comic Book Ideas:

* THE MANY SUICIDES OF AQUAMAN: The Loneliness Of The Underwater Crimefighter When There’s No Fucking Crime Underwater

* BATMAN’S FATAL HEADSHOT: His Parents Died Twenty Years Ago, But Only Today Did He Find Their Hidden Rape Shed

On Americans Wishing Him Thanksgiving:

* Here in Britain, of course, it’s Thank Fuck We Got Those Weird Jesus Bastards On The Boat Day

On Pitching Movie Ideas to Hollywood:

* phoning Hollywood to pitch THE MUMMY IV: I SHIT DUST

* Related: also trying to beat out Joss Whedon’s TERMINATOR pitch with TERMINATOR: I SHIT ROBOTS

* But, coming soon, Sandra Bullock romantic comedy I SHIT NEW BOYFRIENDS

On Life in General:

* I don’t care what anyone says, I’m changing my job description on my passport to “Space Bastard”

* hammer pneumatic fucking drills into that editor’s face until he has arseholes for eyes oh shit twtter’s on hello there

* the term “beard” shall henceforth be replaced by “crackling virility hedge”

* If you love something, set it free. With one of those tracker anklets. With a bomb on it.

 

 I wouldn’t recommend a solo attempt at acquiring Warren Ellis, as he is no doubt full of trickery and hyper-energized at all times by constant Red Bull consumption.  As you can all clearly see from the above photo that he is rather out of shape. This is to your advantage as long as at least three of you team up on him.

Once acquired, I refuse to use the “K” word in this operation as I don’t understand where the law stands on internet blogging, but once “acquired” Warren Ellis will provide me with facebook status updates, blog topics, and when needed he may update my blog in a more timely fashion than I have been lately.

Christmas only comes once a year folks so please make mine a happy one.

Bonus Content

 

You may also attempt to acquire another favorite writer of mine, Alan Moore. But the unholy curses from the bowels of Satan's bowels he may put on you will be on your head not mine!

 

John Michael Gagnon…Have a Strange Christmas Everyone…Johnny Red

 

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Posted on December 6, 2009, in Top 5's, Uncategorized and tagged , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink. 12 Comments.

  1. SO…Did you get any of these things for Christmas?? I have yet to hear about any human sized critters walking through the HEEHAW area of Northern Maine ( Why would I ;)) so I am assuming you did not get a nifty outfit. I am also assuming that you did NOT get a BROWNCOAT because that would also cause a bit of a stir on your side of the bridge. 😉 That may be ok though. I mean buddy, if you think that will make you unnoticed……I mean in your time travels of course but at your home area you will either need a Carhart, LL Bean, Columbia, ect type jacket. OH you will also need to shave all facial hair except a mustache 😉 Unless of course you bring your home are back to 1880 or so. Again John BAHAHAHAHAHA.

    • Nope I did not get a nifty outfit. Although I believe I’ll save up and get the Doctor’s coat eventually. Too neat to pass up. I always want to say this to those guys with the 70’s porn staches, “Um…what’s that on your face? OH! It’s a mustache. I thought maybe you were taking a nap and a kitten crawled across your face and took a dump on your upper lip.” 😉

  2. I think the Tentacle Rape would serve as an awesome personal protection device… as long as you keep it in front of you at a safe distance… hehe

    • I could keep it in a cage with a sign that reads, “For use in the event of bill collectors.”

    • HA! Ya know, I was thinking I may be able to get Pierre to grow one JUST so you can say it to someone!! The whole French thing would make it even funnier & he is ALWAYS up for jokes!!

  3. if i sit in the dumpster with you can i get the cool red jacket?

  4. 1) Undoubtedly being the least difficult to acquire, the jacket and spaceship will eventually be yours. I’m calling Jayne Cobb’s job.

    2) I’d love to see the reaction on Fort Kent’s faces when the Starkist Tuna fish goes waltzin down the street… Tentacle Rape Robot’s shadown is vaguely resemblant of Hitchcock’s “Presents” intro… With the exception of the Drilldo… I smell a hyper-real horror picture series…

    3) Almost forgot about how much I liked reading Transmetropolitan. Thanks for the reminder.

    • 1) You may have to duke it out with Todd for the Jayne Cobb title. I wouldn’t wish harm on either of you, but the shear entertainment value of such a battle is too much to resist.

      2)Drilldo….Bwhahahaha! You invented my new favorite word.

      3) If I can reaquire my complete Transmet series I’ll gladly lend it to ya.

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