Johnny Red’s Top 5 Christmas Wish List
A number of things have taken my time and energy away from getting a new blog posted. The Holiday seasons are the worst time to work in a grocery store which drains every last ounce of energy out of me, it’s also gaming season so Borderlands and Left 4 Dead 2 have eaten up a lot of time, and now it seems I have been stricken with a rare mutated version of Swine-Flu called; Mega-Ultra-No-Happy-Fun-Time-Swine-Flu.
On the plus side it’s help turn my apartment into some sort of makeshift bio-weapons lab.
Seeing as it’s been over a month since my last blog post I began to feel guilty. So I decided to write up this totally bullshit blog entry list of Christmas Gifts I expect to find under my tree this year. Upon reflection I have concluded that I have been a right basterd very good boy this year. So if any of my readers find it in their generous hearts to help secure and deliver any/all of these items to me on Christmas Day I won’t have to unleash my Bio-Engineered Flu-bombs on your household would hold you in a special place in my heart forever.
5. Movie/Television Replica Clothing
You have probably already concluded from reading my previous blogs that I have a big problem with the reality we currently live in. Is this my fault? I didn’t choose to live in the near-iliterate, banal, mediocore, coast to coast shopping mall we call America. So until I master the awesome power of Reality Warping, I have to find other ways to keep my sanity.
One of these ways is getting myself lost in great Science Fiction. Whether it’s a book, graphic novel, movie, video game, or television show, I use the time I spend with them to escape this primitive world we live in.
This is where Abby Shot comes in. They specialize in recreating clothing from some of the most popular science fiction mediums out there. Movies, television, video games, etc. Two items on their site have caught my attention.
First is a replica Browncoat worn by Captain Malcolm Reynolds in the amazing, albeit short lived sci-fi show Firefly.
Sporting the replica Browncoat will help seperate me from the crowd. In fact it may prompt several people in authority to literally seperate me from the crowd. But hey, that’s what being an outer space rebel will do. All for the low, low cost of…um….$359.
The second item that caught my attention is the replica coat of the 10th incarnation of Doctor Who. The new Doctor Who series will probably go down as my favorite sci-fi television show of all time. Mostly because it helped inspire me to create and write Monster Rebellion.
So…yeah I want this.
Also, if any woman wants to travel with me in a time traveling blue police box they also sell the Doctor’s companion jacket as well.
I also belive that acquiring these items will help me in my defense against the soon to be implemented state required therapy sessions I’ll be forced to endure.
4. A Jet Pack of Some Kind
This item is fairly simple. You see growing up reading comic books and watching sci-fi movies I have concluded that we are long over due for public jet packs. I don’t understand why this is such a difficult device to create? We can send rocket ships to the moon, but can’t strap those same rockets to a human torso? I smell a cover up. And I believe there is a consensus on this as well.
So I’ve done some reasearch and discovered that there have been many advances in the science of human rocket technology. I am grateful to these individuals who have helped further my goal of owning a jet pack. I say this because on one occasion I allowed my Team of Scientists to take up the cause. The results were….less than favorable.
A gentleman by the name of Eric Scott has made many advances in jet pack technology. In fact he has even broken a Guinness world record by traveling 68 mph in his jet pack prototype.
Here’s a pic of Eric Scott doing what he does best.
Well as impressive as Eric Scott’s jet pack feats have been, there’s still just something primitive about his design. No, if I am to use a jetpack I want something with style.
Let’s see what the Military is currently cooking up.
Ugh…the need for a parachute totally negates the purpose of a fully functioning jet pack. If this was for sale on Amazon I’d give it two stars.
Why is this so difficult? Did, or didn’t I watch a documentary when I was young about an awesome jet pack? I recall it clearly.
Ok I’m gonna be honest here. The reason I want a jet pack is because I’m sure it will impress women. If big pick-up trucks and motorcycles can somehow cancel out the logical reasons a woman should date someone, then a jet pack must be like spanish fly.
3. A Mascot Costume
If any of you are worried that you might end up buying me the same gift as everyone else who reads this sight, then don’t worry because this entry is for you.
I want a full size, deluxe mascot costume. Doesn’t matter what it’s of. As long as it practically covers me completely. The reason I want one of these is because the potential for hilarity seems almost limitless.
I can be this…
Just imagine Johnny Red walking the streets of Northern Maine decked out in this!
The only problem is these costumes tend to cost thousands of dollars a piece. But remember that I’ve been a decietful power hungry megalomaniac very, very good boy this year.
Also remember the potential for hilarity.
2. A Robot
There are countless ways owning a robot could make my life less complicated. I could get so much more done with a robot assistant. This would leave me the time and energy I need to complete all the experiments my Team of Scientists and I have put on the back burner.
A robot could help me with dealing with annoying customers while doing my job managing a Produce Department.
They can help me with transporting all those “volunteers” the military supplies to me for my experiments.
They can also help clean up after the Zombie Apocalypse, WHICH I might add still wasn’t my fault no matter how the media is trying to spin it.
I also believe that having a robot friend would be a great way to talk out my troubles to an obedient ear without judgement.
But there is one robot I absolutely do not want. Just the thought of that robotic monstrosity haunts my nightmares. Why it was even built is a mystery. When I think of the time, money, and research spent on developing that abomination makes me lose faith in humanity…and robots.
1. Warren Ellis
Warren Ellis is probably the greatest influence on me as a writer. He’s revolutionized science fiction comics. If there was no Warren Ellis there would be no Monster Rebellion to entertain you people when you probably should be working.
Some of his most influential works have been the entire Transmetropolitan series…
His work on Planetary…
And more currently Doktor Sleepless…
Unlike most uppity writers, Warren Ellis tends to keep himself grounded and on the same level as the fans who read his work. I’ve had a few e-mail conversations with him myself. Although he’d probably never admit it, he’s quite humble except for the times he asked all his fans to refer to him as, “Internet Jesus”, and “Love Swami.” He even keeps a twitter account open to all his fans. Here are a few excerpts that he recently posted on his website WarrenEllis.com .
On Pitching Comic Book Ideas:
* THE MANY SUICIDES OF AQUAMAN: The Loneliness Of The Underwater Crimefighter When There’s No Fucking Crime Underwater
* BATMAN’S FATAL HEADSHOT: His Parents Died Twenty Years Ago, But Only Today Did He Find Their Hidden Rape Shed
On Americans Wishing Him Thanksgiving:
* Here in Britain, of course, it’s Thank Fuck We Got Those Weird Jesus Bastards On The Boat Day
On Pitching Movie Ideas to Hollywood:
* phoning Hollywood to pitch THE MUMMY IV: I SHIT DUST
* Related: also trying to beat out Joss Whedon’s TERMINATOR pitch with TERMINATOR: I SHIT ROBOTS
* But, coming soon, Sandra Bullock romantic comedy I SHIT NEW BOYFRIENDS
On Life in General:
* I don’t care what anyone says, I’m changing my job description on my passport to “Space Bastard”
* hammer pneumatic fucking drills into that editor’s face until he has arseholes for eyes oh shit twtter’s on hello there
* the term “beard” shall henceforth be replaced by “crackling virility hedge”
* If you love something, set it free. With one of those tracker anklets. With a bomb on it.
I wouldn’t recommend a solo attempt at acquiring Warren Ellis, as he is no doubt full of trickery and hyper-energized at all times by constant Red Bull consumption. As you can all clearly see from the above photo that he is rather out of shape. This is to your advantage as long as at least three of you team up on him.
Once acquired, I refuse to use the “K” word in this operation as I don’t understand where the law stands on internet blogging, but once “acquired” Warren Ellis will provide me with facebook status updates, blog topics, and when needed he may update my blog in a more timely fashion than I have been lately.
Christmas only comes once a year folks so please make mine a happy one.
John Michael Gagnon…Have a Strange Christmas Everyone…Johnny Red
Posted on December 6, 2009, in Top 5's, Uncategorized and tagged alan moore, browncoat, christmas wish list, Doctor Who, Firefly, mascot costume, replica clothing, Robot, the doctor's coat, warren ellis. Bookmark the permalink. 12 Comments.