Category Archives: There is No Such Thing as Fiction

A Johnny Red History Lesson: The Greater Northern Maine Settlement Theory

Well hello boys and girls, ladies and gentlemen, and the maladjusted alike. Pull up a seat, grab a snack and put your thinking caps on, because today I have something special for you. If you haven’t noticed already, we’ve been having ball shriveling cold weather lately. Which begs the question; Why do we live in Northern Maine?  Who thought settling here was a good idea? Why didn’t our ancestors pack up and get the fuck out of Dodge when they had the chance?  

I’ve pondered this for years and after dragging myself to work every morning this week enduring conditions the vacuum of space can only re-create, I decided it was time I put my Team of Scientists on research duty to find out exactly why it is we continue to struggle to survive in this frozen wasteland.  So today I am your history teacher and will present to you the research we’ve compiled. 

 

 

Now I know what you are all thinking right now? “This is gonna be a load of bullshit.” Well, prove me wrong because my Team of Scientists and I have already rewritten the entire Wikipedia entry on the settlement of Northern Maine. You’re welcome.  Now before I get started I have to make sure the ambience is right. Let’s see I have piles of old books, a fire going in the fireplace, just lit a pipe, not a crack pipe, have you all magnetically fixed in place, and since I refuse to own or wear a sweater vest, I did the next best thing.

 

Perfect.

Our story begins in the way, way past. A group of settlers were on the run from…I don’t know….let’s say Indians. The settlers were just about out of hope. Many lives had already been lost. They were low on supplies, and every woman aged 13-65 was pregnant. To escape certain doom the settlers headed to Northern Maine. It was then they noticed the Indians gave up their chase. Instead they stopped and began yelling, “Ochuguntuk!”  Which was Indian for, “The White Death!” They did not heed the warning as they thought the Indians were referring to the settlers themselves. 

Artist rendition of the actual White Death.

 The settlers pressed on and gave no more thought to what The White Death really was, as it was like July or something when they got to Northern Maine. Instead the settlers found a beautiful green landscape with bright blue rivers and lakes. There were resources aplenty. And best of all the area seemed completely devoid of human life. They rejoiced and thanked God for such a blessing. That night they partied it up. Even the women giving birth in the back of the stagecoaches were allowed two fingers of whiskey…to dull the pain of giving birth in the back of a stagecoach. The White Death waited patiently as it knew in a few months time it would prey on it’s clueless victims. 

The next day the settlers quickly began building cottages and shacks. They fished the river for food and collected berries. They were estatic. But the local wildlife seemed very confused. 

"What tha fuuuuuuuck?!"

All was going well for the settlers. In a months time they managed to build homes for each family, a small church for the devout, and 84 saloons. 

"Come get ye old drink on!"

Yes, everything was perfect. All the women who had given birth the month before were already knocked up again. Only two settlers had drown in the river…so far. The saloon owners figured out how to make potato whiskey. There was a minor setback however. For a week’s time the settlers had barricaded themselves inside their homes as it was reported that a maniacal demon was stalking their homesteads. 

Turns out it was really just a dumb smiling moose.

The settlers had just made it through the month of September, when they began to notice something strange. All the leaves on the trees were changing colors and the air was becoming cooler and a bit more brisk. At first this frightened the settlers. Many took it as a bad sign and started suggesting that perhaps the settlement should move further south. The majority of the settlers, blinded by the fact that they didn’t have to worry about poisonous snakes sneaking in their homes to kill their babies, or having to check their boots at night for scorpions, dismissed the other settlers and the decision was made to stay and stick it out.

Not long after came the time of the V-shaped bird terror of the skies. The birds were flying south and–

“Um, excuse me History Teacher. But I think you are full of shit.”

“Scientist #3 can you take this ungrateful student out back for ‘extra credit’?”

“Sure thing boss!”

Five minutes later:

"He won't be a problem anymore boss."

“Good. Now stand there, no don’t change your coat, and keep yourself in view of the others. Now where was I?” 

Well let’s just skip to the arrival of The White Death. Winter hit the settlement hard. In fact it got so cold the settlers were heard to say, “What the shit?” That’s right kids. The phrase, “What the shit?”, was first documented as being used during the Northern Maine settlers first winter experience. It was, “What the shit?”, cold. Another interesting fact that came about during that winter experience were men’s, and some women’s, decision to grow long beards to keep warm. 

Note to self: Grow that wonderful beard!

Things just got worse from there. Food was running short, the fresh water streams were freezing over, and 63 more women were pregnant again. They wouldn’t make it through the winter.  The stagecoaches were all stuck in the snow and all the horses were frozen to death while still standing up. 

Beautiful picture? No. Those horses are dead!

It was at this time that the majority of the settlers decided it was a mistake to settle in Northern Maine and began packing their things for the long, arduous journey south. But one faction of the settlers, who were stubborn, told the rest of the settlers that they were going to stay and try to survive the winter. As you can imagine the other settlers were not pleased with this. Ironically the stubborn faction also owned all the muskets. Anyone who disagreed with them were promptly shot dead. 

It will promptly shoot you dead.

Our research uncovered one such town meeting where it was debated amongst the settlers if leaving Northern Maine could be an option. It went something like this:

“We are gathered here today to debate whether or not leaving our settlement is a good idea.”

“What the shit?! Let’s get the fuck out of here!”

*POW!*

“Let it be noted that I have promptly shot dead the last speaker.”

“What will we eat!?”

“We’ve devised a way to “ice” fish the lake for food.”

“That seems like a lot of unnecessary work when we can just move south!”

*POW!*

“Let it be noted that I have promptly shot dead the last speaker.”

“Ok…um…how will we pass the time during the long winter months?”

“We will make shoes that allow us to walk on the snow. Also other more elaborate shoes with long thin boards attached to hurl ourselves down the hill sides. We also have another shoe in mind that will have short steel blades attached to skate on the frozen lake.”

“……FOOLS! YOU’LL KILL US ALL!”

*POW!*

“Let it be noted that I have promptly shot dead the last speaker.”

In the end the stubborn faction found a way  to keep the remaining settlers happy. Also they were running out of ammo for their muskets. To keep the remaining settlers happy the stubborn faction opened 32 more saloons and Northern Maine’s first, and I’m sure not last, brothel.

MEEEEEOOOOOOWWW!!!

So as we close the books on our history lesson for today, I have to say you have been a patient and willing group of learners. I am proud to have passed this little piece of history onto your young minds and perhaps one day you–

“That other student was right! You’re full of shit!”

“Um…Scientist #3?”

"Looks like someone is itching for some detention time. That's right. You sit back down and shut your yapper."

Bonus Content:

Further research has revealed that there was a faction of Northern Maine settlers that managed to escape the White Death. They moved to Louisiana. Which would explain the similar last names to the people of Northern Maine. Wait. Wow it says here they established Bourbon Street to help drink away the terrors their Northern Maine experiences. And they haven’t stopped drinking since.

Bourbon Street: Where Awesome Went to Settle

John Michael Gagnon…Ochuguntuk!…Johnny Red

 

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Johnny Red’s Road Trip With a Depressed Transformer

Before we set out on my Road Trip with a Depressed Transformer, I have to say one thing. Michael Bay is a hack. His Transformer movies were abominations of what made growing up with the Transformers toys and watching the cartoons so great. He’s consiously made an effort to piss on our childhoods. Michael Bay is a horrible filmmaker, except I thought The Rock was pretty good. But that’s where it ended. For fuck’s sake he introduced “Black Guy” Transformers that literally said, “We don’t do much reading.”

The film idustry should put a restraining order on him. Here’s a clip of how Michael Bay makes movies.

So if Michael “Now I can pay for hookers” Bay can violate our beloved robots that transform into other things, then so can I!

I give you!

 

MILE ZERO:

Friday morning began as a peaceful, hopeful day. I was on the bottom steps of my apartment waiting for a Fed Ex delivery. I managed to score a copy of “Zombie Love Triangle” off of ebay for the low, low price of $350. Some might consider that a lot of money, but I don’t think you can put a price on viewing a threesome consisting of Jessica Biel, Scarlet Johansson, and a Zombified James Dean. It won lots of awards….in Europe.

When suddenly!!

*Whhhhoooooor! Whhhhoooooor!* (that’s an ambulance siren effect in case you were wondering)

“Hmmm? Must have been an accident somewhere.”

The ambulance is racing through traffic. Ironically it seems to be showing no regards to other’s safety. At one point it has driven onto the sidewalk, causing multiple elderly to jump into alleyways and into the doorways of local shops. See, I knew they only pretended to be slow. To my surprise the ambulance has stopped in front of my apartment.

*REE-RAWT-ROW-RA-ROOT*(that’s the sound effect of a transformer, well, transforming)

The Transformer known as Ratchet!

“ARE YOU THE HUMAN CALLED JOHNNY RED?!”

“You know who I am Ratchet.”

“THERE’S NO TIME!!”

*REE-RAWT-ROW-RA-ROOT*

“QUICKLY! GET INSIDE OF ME!”

“Um….no.”

“IT’S AN EMERGENCY AND THE AUTOBOTS NEED YOUR HELP!”

“AND I need to catch the Fed Ex guy. He’s been here three times this week and I wasn’t here. If I don’t pick up my package it will get sent back. Trust me. I NEED this for the weekend.”

“AND I SAY HUMANITY NEEDS YOU!!”

“God damnit!! Alright!”

The Autobots couldn't have sent Jazz to pick me up? At least he's a porsche.

MILE ONE:

“So what’s the problem?”

“MEGATRON IS BACK AND IS PLANNING ON RELEASING A TECHNO VIRUS TO DESTROY THE HUMAN RACE!”

“Really?”

“UH…YEAH!”

“Because I’ve been home all day and haven’t seen any of this on the news.”

“TRUST ME!”

“I don’t trust you. Why did you pick me up?”

“IT’S…UM…COMPLICATED.”

“Ratchet I’m not even joking. Why the fuck did you pick me up?”

“ARCEE LEFT ME AGAIN.”

Arcee: The first female Transformer. Yeah, she gets around.

“Oh you bastard! I can’t believe you did this to me again!”

“I JUST NEED SOMEONE TO TALK TO.”

“Now I know why they call you Ratchet.”

“WHY’S THAT?”

“Because you’re a fucking tool that’s why!”

“I’M SORRY. I’M A MESS…AND….I DON’T KNOW WHAT TO DO. IF A TRANSFORMER COULD CRY…I WOULD.”

“Alright, alright. Stop whining. What happened?”

“SHE LEFT ME FOR A NEW GUY. I CAN’T COMPETE.”

“Don’t be so hard on yourself. What does this guy have that you don’t?”

“I’M BRINGING UP HIS PROFILE ON MY DATA SCREEN.”

The Transformer known as Vibracon!

“Well….damn.”

“SHE SAID I WAS OLD NEWS, AND THAT I’M NOT DOING ANYTHING PRODUCTIVE WITH MY LIFE.”

“She has a point Ratchet. What have you done lately?”

“ARE YOU TAKING THE WHOREBOT’S SIDE?”

“No Ratchet I’m not. I mean just look at you. You have no style.”

“EXPLAIN.”

“Well first of all you transform into an ambulance that would have been decommissioned in the late 80’s.”

“I’M OLD FASHIONED.”

“I respect that about you, but look at Optimus Prime. He’s moved on with his life.”

"WHEN NOT STICKING MY ROBOT FOOT UP DECEPTICON ASS, I SPEND MY TIME ROCKING OUT TO MY FAVORITE TUNES WITH MY APPLE iPOD."

“HE’S A SELL OUT!”

“Possibly, but look at where it has taken him. There’s no real Decepticon threat anymore Ratchet. You have to find a new purpose while here on Earth.”

“NOT ONLY IS HE A SELL OUT, BUT HIS PRESIDENTIAL BID IS BEYOND RIDICULOUS.”

“Are you even listening to me?”

“BEING LEADER OF THE AUTOBOTS WASN’T ENOUGH? HE’S ALSO LEADER OF CYBERTRON. NOW HE WANTS TO BE PRESIDENT OF THE HUMANS AS WELL.”

 

“YOU HUMANS CAN’T CHANGE INTO ANYTHING!”

“Ratchet, stop deflecting.”

“YOU’RE RIGHT. I’M SORRY.”

“And stop apologizing all the time. Show some balls…er…ball bearings perhaps. I don’t know what you guys have down there.”

“WHAT AM I GONNA DO?”

“I’ll tell ya what. I know a bar not far from here.”

MILE TWENTY:

“AHHH. THIS IS JUST WHAT I NEEDED.”

“Feels good doesn’t it?”

“A BAR, GOOD DRINKS, AND A GOOD FRIEND. THIS IS ALL I REALLY NEED.”

“You don’t have any money on you do you?”

“WHAT WOULD I NEED WITH HUMAN MONEY?”

“It’s just that–”

“ANOTHER ROUND HUMAN BAR KEEP!”

“Um…fine I’ll pay.”

“I JUST HAVE ONE QUESTION.”

“What’s that Ratchet?”

“WHY IS THE BAR KEEP STARING A HOLE STRAIGHT THROUGH ME?”

 

“Maybe it’s because you tore the roof off of this place so you could get inside.”

“PAY THE TAB. WE SHOULD BE GOING.”

MILE FIFTY:

“PADIDDLE!”

“…”

“PADIDDLE!”

“Stop. I’m not playing.”

"PADIDDLE!"

“PADIDDLE! PADIDDLE!”

“I’m not joking.”

“PADIDDLE! PADIDDLE! PADIDDLE! YOU OWE ME SO MUCH ENERGON!”

“shut up. Shut Up. SHUT UP!!”

MILE EIGHTY:

“You don’t even have a tape deck in here.”

“YOU DON’T WANT TO TALK ANYMORE?”

“I don’t know what else we can talk about.”

“EXPLAIN.”

“You’re stubborn. You’re not gonna change. You want to hold on to this ideology that you are here to save humanity.”

“AND THAT’S A BAD THING?”

“No it’s not. It’s just an old thing.”

“IT’S NOT OLD. THERE ARE STILL HUMANS THAT NEED HELP. LIKE THIS ONE. I’M GONNA PICK UP THAT HITCHHIKER.”

“Don’t pick up that hitchhiker!”

Of course.

“WHAT IS YOUR DESTINATION HUMAN?”

“I’m on a mission to save the human race.”

“WHAT A COINCIDENCE! AS AM I!”

“Ratchet, he’s not on a mission to save the human race.”

“I’m from the planet Nerplex and I’ve been sent here by my Reptloid bretheren!”

“I FIND NO SUCH PLANET AS NERPLEX IN MY DATA BASE.”

“Pull over Ratchet.”

“JOHNNY RED YOUR VITAL SIGNS ARE GOING SPASTIC.”

“He has a hatchet.”

“No Nerplex? Has my home planet been destoyed?”

“IT’S POSSIBLE.”

“It’s not possible. Nerplex sounds like a prescription drug which he is probably off of.”

A view into the mind of our hitchhiker.

“You mock the Reptloid race!”

“Nooooo…it’s just that we aren’t equipped to…um…transport you back home.”

“Aaaaaaargh!! Die puny human!”

“WHAT IS HAPPENNING?”

“Fuck! Pull the vehicle over!”

“I AM THE VEHICLE.”

“The hatchet is in my elbow!! Pull OVER!”

SCREEEEEECH!!!

Ratchet screeches to a halt as I hurdle myself outside. I quickly slam the door shut leaving the homicidal lunatic trapped inside. Then I quickly pull the hatchet out of my elbow.

“Ooooow! Fucking hell! Ratchet lock the doors so he doesn’t escape!”

“OK!”

“We have to call the police so that they can deal–”

*REE-AHHH!-RAWT-CRUNCH!-ROW-RA-BLOODY GURGLING-ROOT*

“OOPS.”

“That was and will forever be the most horrific thing I have ever heard or seen.”

“SOOOO, SHALL WE CONTINUE?”

“Not until we get you cleaned up. Carry me to a car wash.”

MILE EIGHTY FIVE:

 

 

“I FEEL SO MUCH SHAME RIGHT NOW.”

“Quiet, you’re almost cleaned up.”

“YOU’RE RIGHT YOU KNOW. I’M OLD FASHIONED AND USELESS.”

“You’re not useless.”

“I’VE EVEN RUINED OUR FRIENDSHIP HAVEN’T I?”

“It’s not ruined Ratchet. I’m just a little pissed off because I hadn’t planned on spending my day pressure washing bits of crazy person out of you.”

“I’M A LOSER.”

Ratchet turns his robot face away and begins sulking.

“There, all done. I gotta go inside and make a quick call. Then we’ll head out.”

Five Minutes Later:

“Ok Ratchet, let’s roll out!”

“WHY SO CHIPPER?”

“No reason.”

 

MILE ONE HUNDRED:

“I’M JUST GONNA TAKE YOU HOME.”

“Why? Our road trip has just started.”

“YOU’RE JUST BEING NICE.”

“Ratchet I’ve been thinking and….boy that jet seems to be flying really low.”

“I’LL ANALYZE IT.”

“And?”

“DON’T PANIC JOHNNY RED! BUT THAT’S NOT JUST A JET!”

“Oh no Ratchet! What could it possibly be?”

*REE-RAWT-ROW-RA-ROOT*

Decepticon known as Dirge: Ok, well not too well known.

“TREMBLE HUMANS! I’M DIRGE AND…UM…I’M UP TO NO GOOD!”

“Ratchet! Save me!”

“DON’T WORRY JOHNNY RED! I’LL PROTECT YOU!”

Ratchet places me behind a building to keep me safe. He then proceeds to lay a pummeling on poor Dirge.

Ooooooooh Snap!!

“DIRGE! YOU’VE PICKED THE WRONG AUTOBOT ON THE WRONG DAY!”

I cringe as Ratchet robot piledrives Dirge into an abandoned Chuck E Cheese.

“PLEASE SHOW MERCY RATCHET! SPARE MY LIFE AND I’LL LEAVE!”

“LEAVE THEN! AND LET THE OTHER DECEPTICONS KNOW THAT THERE IS STILL ONE AUTOBOT THAT THEY HAVE TO FEAR!”

*REE-RAWT-ROW-RA-ROOT*

Dirge transforms and flies away leaving a smoke trail behind him.

“Ratchet! That was amazing! You saved me!”

“YOU’RE WELCOME JOHNNY RED! I FEEL ALIVE! LIKE I COULD TAKE ON THE WORLD!”

“That’s great! But can you start by taking me home?”

“OF COURSE. YOU’VE BEEN THROUGH A TRAUMATIC EVENT. YOU MUST GO HOME AND REST.”

TWO DAYS LATER AT JOHNNY RED’S APARTMENT:

*RING! RING!*

“Hello.”

“HEY JOHNNY RED. IT’S DIRGE.”

“Hey Dirge. Thanks a lot for the other day.”

“YEAH…ABOUT THAT. DO YOU HAVE MY ENERGON?”

“Yep. Just stop on by whenever you can.”

I always keep a supply of Energon on stand by.

“I LIKE ENERGON.”

“I know you do Dirge.”

“I MAY HAVE A PROBLEM…YOU KNOW…WITH ENERGON. IT’S NOT EASY HAVING A DILDO SHAPED HEAD.”

“Well we all have our addictions and reasons why we do.”

“UM…I WAS THINKING THAT WHEN I PICK IT UP THAT MAYBE WE CAN GO FOR A FLY AND TALK ABOUT IT?”

“God damnit.”

“WHAT WAS THAT?”

“Nothing Dirge, it was nothing.”

BONUS CONTENT

 

 

JOHN MICHAEL GAGNON…REE-RAWT-ROW-RA-ROOT…JOHNNY RED

 

How the show “Fringe” led me down a Youtube rabbit hole, with hilarious results.

As some of you may already know from my facebook updates, I’ve become a fan of the show “Fringe.” And why wouldn’t I? It covers all types of subject matter that interests me. Teleportation, Psychokinesis, possible Alien Technology, and in one episode a woman’s head exploded form the inside out. Yeah, I like the show.

 

 
It's no Doctor Who, but give it a chance anyway.

It's no Doctor Who, but give it a chance anyway.

 

I just finished watching the third DVD disc from season one, so I’m about halfway through the first season. Knowing that I’d have a couple of days to wait until the next disc arrives through NetFlix, I decided to do some research on the subject matter covered on the show.  And here’s where things get frightening and hilarious.

 

I should have known what I was getting myself into.

I should have known what I was getting myself into.

 

So I began my search of Youtube with short videos of The Philadelphia Experiment. For those of you who don’t know, The Philadelphia Experiment was a military experiment where they attempted to cloak the naval destroyer the USS Eldridge and make it invisible to radar. Supposedly they not only succeeded in turning it invisible, but made it dissappear all together. Interesting stuff.

At this point I made the mistake of clicking on a related video that is listed on the right hand side of the Youtube page.  It was a video about the suspected continuation of the Philadelphia Experiment in the Montauk Project in New York. Still interesting I thought. So I continued to click related videos. I had the day off, I live in Fort Kent, and I don’t have a girlfriend. I have the time.

Eventually I found myself tumbling down a rabbit hole of insane theories and video productions of some of the most dedicated fruitcakes the world has ever seen.

 

 

Pictured: Johnny Red going down the rabbit hole. Hey, it's my day off I'll wear what I want.

Pictured: Johnny Red going down the rabbit hole. Hey, it's my day off I'll wear what I want.

 

 

And what do you ask was at the bottom of this rabbit hole? A video posted by someone claiming to be a dying NASA scientist. He claims that there are alien creatures that live inside our brains. I believe he called them the “Neth”. And these Neth influence whether or not we make good or bad decisions. But here’s the best part.

He posted a video that he says if you pay close attention to the symbols and audio in it that it will pull the alien out of your head!!!

Here’s the video.

*Johnny Red is not responsible for any fucked up shit that may happen to you upon watching the video. I watched it and nothing happened. So if something does happen to you, like say an alien pops out of your head then that is on you and not me*

 

While concentrating on the symbols and keeping my ears open to the strange audio, as I was instructed, this “dying” NASA scientist continues to narrate. You would think that would be a distraction from the concentration? Anyway as I’m listening to him talk about the alien parasite taking up refuge in my brain, he mentions that the alien will appear next to you and may move some objects around you.

I’m basically laughing to myself at this point.

Then he says something else. He says, “Don’t be frightened by the alien presence as it will dissipate within two hours.”

I hit stop on the play button.

Only two hours?! Really? I suppose after the 10-20 minutes of screaming in utter terror subside you can maybe watch a couple episodes of House M.D. with it!

 

House M.D.: When you need to kill a couple hours waiting for your alien parasite being to re-integrate itself with your brain.

House M.D.: When you need to kill a couple hours waiting for your alien parasite being to re-integrate itself with your brain.

 

Two fucking hours that alien brain parasite will be hanging out with you. I can just picture myself seeing it appear next to me,  then I get up from my computer chair, leave my bedroom, and quietly close the door behind me.

Then two hours later opening my bedroom door, look inside, close it again and say, “Nope, he’s still in there.”

Johnny Red and His Team of Scientists VS. The Alien Invasion!!!

It’s dark now. No sounds, no movement, no lights, save for those blasted search lights, scouring the land for any signs of life. We’ve learned to move in the shadows. We’ve learned to be as quiet as a feather in the breeze. We’ve learned that all we have left is hope.

Hope, and an unrelenting thirst for vengeance against those little grey bastards!!

 

alien-invasion

 

 

This is Johnny Red. I’m writing this journal as a record of my Team of Scientists and I’s attempt to bring the alien invasion to a halt. If we fail, and God forbid succumb to the anal death probes ourselves, we wanted the rest of the world to know that we tried.

Our plan right now is fairly simple. Merely to bring down one of their nightly patrol vessels, open it up like a tin can, kill the little grey fuck inside, then…study it.

Our resource has told us that a single nightly patrol vessel monitors this area. How does our resource know this? Because he is the only man to ever survive the anal death probe and escape from their alien grasp. He’s become a folk hero in these dark times. He’s revered as humanity’s savior. He can barely speak English. My Team of Scientists and I were fortunate enough to find this man.

 

His name is Billy Willy. The smell alone was atrocious.

His name is Billy Willy. The smell alone was atrocious.

 

When asked how he managed to survive the anal death probe, Billy Willy told me, “I figurd dem aliens like lookin’ up people’s bums, so I grabbed what was nearest by me, and up it went.”

 

Pictured: Object that, "Up it went."

Pictured: Object that, "Up it went."

 

He explained what happened next.

“See them alien’s prober couldn’t get into my bum, on account of my leatherman. So they pull’d it out and started examin’ it. While they was busy I snook off to find the telepert room. I knows from the Star Trek that there’s always gonna be a telepert room.”

I can’t believe I’m saying this, but his logic is near flawless. Anyway, as he was saying.

“Once I founded that telepert room, I stepped into this light and before I could say, ‘racoon dinner’, I was teleperted back to where they first picked me ups.”

I asked Billy Willy if the aliens put up a fight while he was trying to escape? He replied, “Dat’s the thing! These aliens are big and scary with them space ships flying around, but they is puny and soft demselves. I had to use some Star Trek Diplomicy to get inside the teleperter room.”

 

diplomacy

 

Billy Willy’s experience has provided my Team of Scientists and I crucial information regarding our alien invaders. They are susceptible to physical harm just like us humans. I thanked Billy Willy for telling me his story, then handed over a 30 rack of Bud Light, a new pair of overalls, and a bar of soap. He was excited for only two of these things.

So this brings us up to date on our current mission. Scientist #3 has lured the patrol vessel towards an open field. Surrounding this field are a series of hills. Hills with plenty of hiding places. Hiding places large enough to allow us the time and cover to set up the LARGEST GOD DAMN TESLA COIL EVER MADE!!

It’s in range Scientist #2!! Turn it on!!

 

Shazam!!

Shazam!!

 

Holy shit! It worked! Quickly my Team of Scientists! Get me inside that ship!

Using a variety of cutting instruments, prying devices, and a few small explosives, my Team of Scientists finally managed to open the doors to the patrol vessel.

Waiting for me as the doors opened…

 

Why, hello! Tell me Mr. Grey, do you know what a crowbar is??

Why, hello! Tell me Mr. Grey, do you know what a crowbar is??

 

*Crack!*

*Smash!*

*Alien screams!*

*Pummel!*

 

Get it back to base! Oh, and fetch my tools!

Get it back to base! Oh, and fetch my tools!

 

Back at our makeshift base I begin the autopsy. Billy Willy was right in the fact that the aliens are very much like us. Similar bone structure, humanoid in appearance.

Scientist #2 hand me that scalpel!

*riiiiip!*

Ok, now give me that rib splitter!

*craaaack!*

I tear into this grey the way a spoiled child would a christmas present. And with twice the joy!

 

Grey's Anatomy

Grey's Anatomy

 

Upon dissecting the grey, I’ve noticed something odd. Well the whole thing is odd, but something specific.

Cat hair. There are traces of cat hair in this grey’s stomach! This reminded me of something Billy Willy told me.

“Is not just peoples they is taking ‘neither. All the cats in the areas have gone missin’ too.”

I had originally disregarded this comment from Billy Willy, but it appears he may be right again. Thinking back on the last few months on the run with my Team of Scientists, we never came across one cat. Hiding in dark alleys, sneaking through empty cities at night, and finally traversing through the countryside, I can’t recall seeing a single cat. Not even a stray! What does this mean?

Pondering this revelation would have to wait, as my Team of Scientists has informed me that…the Mothership has arrived! I tell my Team of Scientists that I would face this threat alone. In case I don’t come back I’ll need them to continue my work, and continue the fight against the grey menace. Unsurprisingly, they don’t argue to go with me.

 

Take me to your bastard leader!

Take me to your bastard leader!

 

After being transported onto the Alien Mothership, I find myself in what appears to be a holding cell of some kind. Luckily for me Scientist #4 handed me his nifty electronic skeleton key. Hey! If you can transfer a virus from a Earth computer to an Alien computer like in “Independence Day”, then I can use a damn electronic skeleton key.

Once free of my cell I notice that I’m not the only prisoner on this ship. There are hundreds, if not thousands of holding cells in this area. And judging by the alarms I’ve set off by using the electronic skeleton key, I should probably find some help.

Door one.

 

"Well you see the thing about greys is sometimes they are green! Whoa! Nanu! Nanu!"

"Well you see the thing about greys is sometimes they are green! Whoa! Nanu! Nanu!"

 

I don’t think so, you sasquatch of a man! *Slam!*

 

Door two.

 

"El...i...ot???"

"El...i...ot???"

 

No, I’m not Eliot you space passifist! *Slam!*

 

Door three.

 

"Thank goodness! Now all we have to do is reverse encode their hyper thrusters and they will be instantly sent back to their point of origin!"

"Thank goodness! Now all we have to do is reverse encode their hyper thrusters and they will be instantly sent back to their point of origin!"

 

Sorry my good Doctor, but you’re not stealing my thunder! *Slam!*

 

Door four.

 

*garble garble* Predator speech. *garble garble*

*garble garble* Predator speech. *garble garble*

 

Oooooh! Yes my friend! You will do nicely!!

Recognizing that I have freed him from his cell, The Predator has opted not to disembowel me. No sooner have we recognized our unholy alliance, the holding area is flooded with greys. I tell the Predator that I need to get to the command room and discover who is leading this alien invasion.

He cuts a swath. A bloody, grey swath.

We have reached the command room door. I instruct The Predator to guard the entrance while I use the electronic skeleton key to get inside.

My worst fears come true.

 

Gordon Shumway aka ALF!!

Gordon Shumway aka ALF!!

 

Well this explains the missing cats.

*Interlude*

It has occured to me that many of my younger readers have no idea who ALF is. ALF came to Earth in the mid-eighties and used his intelligence and charm to parley an acting career. He had a hit television show that ran over 100 episodes. People loved him. But I knew what he was really after.

 

He liked to eat fucking cats.

He liked to eat fucking cats.

 

Luckily his popularity came to a close before he could enact his endgame. However, over twenty years later, he’s at it again!

*End Interlude*

 

Alf and I lock eyes. He’s staring at me with a horrible curiosity. Perplexed on how I was able to survive the alien invasion, escape my holding cell, and now stand before him.

“Oh, you must be one of the clever ones? I have an entire holding area where I keep the clever ones.”

“Yeah I know. In fact one such clever one is currently tearing your army of greys a new one.”

Alf slams his fist on his desk. He then rises from his chair and makes his way down to me, all the while yapping in typical villain speak.

“I tried once before to acquire our resources in a peaceful manner. But you humans turned me into a joke!”

“By resources I’m assuming you mean cats? Very clever how you hid the abduction of our house cat population with an alien invasion.”

Alf is now face to face with me.

“You will not get in my way!  You will now experience the awesome power of Gordon Shumway, THE LAST OF THE MELMACIAN RACE!!”

“Yeah well, feel this!”

 

A crowbar: Never leave home without it.

A crowbar: Never leave home without it.

 

After several strikes with my mighty crowbar, Alf’s limp body falls to the floor. I throw the crowbar down and step back to admire my work. Alf still manages to continue talking.

“What’s the matter human? Don’t have the stomach to finish the job? Hahaha! This is but a minor set back in my plan.”

“Oh, I have the stomach alright, but I think your end should come from those seeking retribution.”

“…How do you mean?”

“You see I came across another holding area on my way here. And I don’t think they have been fed in a while.”

“No! No! It can’t end this way!”

“Hey fellas!”

 

Yes! Yes you can!

Yes! Yes you can!

 

Alf gargles his last sounds as the cats devour him. I make my way to the command console of the Mothership to free the prisoners from their holding cells, and teleport them back to their homeworlds. I then teleport the captured house cats back home to Earth.

There is only one thing left to do. I send forth a command signal for all the alien ships to return to the Mothership. Once they have all docked I proceed with Johnny Red’s endgame.

 

Of course every spaceship has one.

Of course every spaceship has one.

 

After pushing the button I teleport myself back home. The Mothership explodes and lights up the night sky. With my Team of Scientists by my side we stand confident as cheers are heard from every town and city on Earth.

 

10 months later

 

My Team of Scientists and I are hard at work on our Quantum State Device when we hear a knock at the front door. I command Scientist #3 to go see who it is.

He returns with a perplexed look on his face, and also carrying what appears to be a small basket.

“It came with a note,” He says.

 

"Now he's YOUR responsibility!!!"

"Now he's YOUR responsibility!!!"

 

My Team of Scientists look to me for an answer. That’s when it hits me that I had completely forgotten about that…other holding cell I had found.

 

Flashback

 

Um...alright I have five minutes, so let's make them count!

Um...alright I have five minutes, so let's make them count!

 

 

John Michael Gagnon…Beam Me Up…Johnny Red 

 

johnnyredtoon

Johnny Red Presents A Tribute to Nikola Tesla: The Man Who Rode the Lightning, Literally

Hey everyone! Do you enjoy listening to the radio? Do you enjoy having wireless cellphone and internet use? Do you enjoy having power to run all your gizmos, household appliances, etc.? Are you glad you have electric light instead of carrying around torches in the dark like some caveman?

Well if you said yes to any of those questions, then it’s about time you learn about the man who brought all this about. No, not Thomas Edison. No, not Guglielmo Marconi. But the man who rightfully deserves the credit and recognition for bringing about an age of electrical wonder to the World. A man who spent the majority of his life fighting off spiteful rivals, such as Thomas Edison, and greedy corporate whores, such as J. P. Morgan.

The man was Nikola Tesla.

 

TeslaAndCoiltitle

 

Wait? What? Who’s Nikola Tesla, you ask? Well I’m not surprised if you haven’t heard of him, considering how much he was forced into obscurity by the powers that be. Nikola Tesla was what most of the established scientific community called, “A Mad Scientist.” So, naturally he’s a hero of mine!

With this tribute my Team of Scientists and I will try to tell the story of Nikola Tesla to all my readers. At the same time I’ll also try to exhibit how Thomas Edison is a douchebag of epic proportions.

 

tesla_edison

 

Nikola Tesla left his home country, that is now known as Croatia, towards the end of the 19th century. He came to America with nothing in his pockets but four cents and a book of poetry. But who are we kidding, four cents back then probably paid for a month’s rent, and reciting poetry could have possibly got him all the groceries he needed. It was a different time back then. What? You think I’m full of shit Scientist #2? Well prove me wrong then. You can’t can you? Well maybe if somebody had fixed the Time Machine, then that somebody could prove me wrong. For now be quiet because I’m narrating here.

Anyway, back to Nikola Tesla. You see Tesla had been working on some minor projects for Thomas Edison in Paris, France. Impressed by his work Edison lured Tesla to America with the promise of work. Edison also told Tesla that if he could improve his own direct current generators, then he would be paid $50,000. Tesla worked night and day and also gave up several new patents in the process to Edison’s company. In the end Tesla managed to greatly improve Edison’s direct current generators. Tesla then inquired about the money Edison promised. Edison’s response:

“Tesla, you don’t seem to understand our American Humor.”

Douchebag move number one by Thomas Edison. And for each douchebag move Edison does in this tribute will be followed by a “Edison Hate Future”, strip done by one of my favorite writers Warren Ellis.

 

edisonhatefuture

 

Needless to say Tesla took this news pretty hard. Having not recievedthe money he was promised Tesla left Edison’s company and performed manual labor for a time to raise enough money to finally experiment withhis own theory of Alternating Currents, which ran directly in the face of Edison’s Direct Current technology. Having secured a position with The Westinghouse Company, Tesla began to develop motors that ran on alternating current. Edison, like the villain he was, returned to cause Tesla even more trouble.

Edison tried to convince the Westinghouse company that his motors running on direct current were superiour to Tesla’s alternating current technology. Also he did a bunch of trash talking. He told Westinghouse that Tesla was a crackpot because Tesla’s theories and technology had no scientific merit because Tesla’s theories came to him in visions and hallucinations.

Edison wasn’t lying about this. Tesla claimed his ideas and theories came to him in flashes of light during the many hallucinations Tesla suffered in his life. Tesla did not deny this.

“Like a flash of lightning and in an instant the truthwas revealed. I drew with a stick on the sand the diagrams of my motor. A thousand secrets of nature which  I might have stumbled upon accidently I would have given for that one which I had wrestled from her against all odds and at the peril of my existance.” – Nikola Tesla

 

Tesla hallucinated...like this...but only with brilliant theories and details attached.

Tesla hallucinated...like this...but only with brilliant theories and details attached.

 

Curious about how Tesla was able to derive scientific knowledge from hallucinations, I decided to try this myself. Scientist #3 procured for me several…um…items to help me have my own hallucination. This was  the result.

 

Scientific Merit: None  Entertainment Value: Heaps

Scientific Merit: None, Entertainment Value: Heaps

 

Edison’s attempts at making Tesla look like a raving psycho were fruitless, as Westinghouse decided to side with Tesla and his more efficient alternating current technology. Oh yeah and I almost forgot. Here’s another “Edison Hate Future” for his feable attempts to discredit Tesla yet again.

 

 

edisonsemen 

 

Westinghouse then presented a task to Tesla. A task that will be forever remembered as the night Tesla brought light to the world. The Chicago Expo of 1893 was in full swing and Westinghouse wanted to bring something special to the spectators one evening. Using Tesla’s alternating current motors, they were able to bring transferable electricity to the world on a massive scale. 

 

Actual shot of the the 1893 Chicago World's Fair, where Tesla literally brought light to the darkness.

Actual shot of the the 1893 Chicago World's Fair, where Tesla literally brought light to the darkness.

 

It seemed Tesla was well on his way to becoming a wealthy and successful man. He had proved himself to the world and deserved all the recognition he was recieving. Well that was until, you guessed it, Edison came back on the scene to try and destroy Tesla’s reputation yet again.

And in typical ignorant, and jealous fashion that petty, spiteful men do, Edison decided to try and use fear to destroy Tesla. Edison began performing public spectacles to try and convince the public that alternating current technology was dangerous. Of course running electricity was a new thing back then, and Edison wanted to use the general public’signorance to his advantage. So what exactly did Edison do? Well how about taking animals into the public square and literally electrocuting them to death. He electrocuted horses at first, but then moved on to something more shocking, no pun intended.

 

That's Topsy the elephant. Edison electrocuted him in public. What a bastard!

That's Topsy the elephant. Edison electrocuted him in public. What a bastard!

 

You really have to wonder how much hate one person has to have in their heart to be able to do this to an innocent animal. Edison apparently had loads of hate to spare. So, once again Edison, you deserve this.

 

 

edisonhatehate 

 

This battle between Edison and Tesla became known as The War of the Currents. It was around this time that Tesla became more vocal and critical of Edison. He claimed while working with Edison he saw him struggle with very simple problems and obstacles.

“If Edison had a needle to find in a haystack, he would proceed at once with the diligence of a bee to examine straw after straw until he found the object of his search. I was a sorry witness of such doings, knowing that a little theory and calculation would have saved him ninety per cent of his labor.” – Nikola Tesla

 

And it seems Edison himself didn’t deny this.

 

 

Spice it up all you like Edison, but it still sounds like you fail.

Spice it up all you like Edison, but it still sounds like you fail.

 

Undeterred by Edison’s antics. Tesla moved on to even greater things. He discovered a way to transmit free electrical energy through the air itself! He achieved this with his Tesla Coil. In fact, hey team of scientists! Get to work on creating our own Tesla coil! I don’t care how you do it, just do it!

Like a Mad Scientist’s dream come true, the Tesla Coil is a device that uses the air itself to transfer electricity. You’ve probably seen them before.

 

An example of how bad ass science can be!!

An example of how bad ass science can be!!

 

With these Tesla Coils, Tesla discovered that electrical energy could be transferred to many devices without the use of wires. Some of his most well known photographs are of Tesla holding a  light bulb and powering it through the air itself.

 

Look kids! No wires!

Look kids! No wires!

 

Withthis discovery Tesla realized that free energy to the world was a possibility. You see Tesla wanted nothing more than to have his discoveries and inventions be a benefit to mankind. This attitude attracted other like-minded individuals to his side. One was the legendary Mark Twain who spent many hours with Tesla learning and witnessing his amazing discoveries.

 

Here we see Mark Twain, and Nikola Tesla. I love this image. Two spokesman for humanity captured for eternity.

Here we see Mark Twain, and Nikola Tesla. I love this image. Two spokesman for humanity captured for eternity.

 

Twain had developed a bond with Tesla in the goal of helping humanity with whatever skills they had to offer. Twain backed up and supported Tesla’s revolutionary ideas, and felt those holding him back had no interest in the future possibilities Tesla could offer.

 

I think a tribute to Mark Twain is coming in the near future.

I think a tribute to Mark Twain is coming in the near future.

 

These new discoveries raised the interest in J. P. Morgan, the legendary financier and banker. Morgan offered Tesla $150,000 to build a tower that could transmit the first wireless transatlantic message. Morgan believed that wireless communication was the way of the future. Tesla agreed and began work on his Wardenclyffe tower. But Tesla was also keeping a secret from Morgan on exactly what this tower could do.

 

Wardenclyffe Tower: Sure it could transfer messages across the Atlantic, BUT it held other secrets as well.

Wardenclyffe Tower: Sure it could transfer messages across the Atlantic, BUT it held other secrets as well.

 

You see Wardenclyffe Tower was also one giant Tesla Coil. In theory a structure that could provide free electrical power to quite possibly the entire world. When Tesla’s funding ran short he was forced to return to Morgan to ask for more money to finish the tower. Morgan was curious about why this tower, which was only to transfer wireless messages, was costing so much money. Tesla was forced to admit that  the tower was also a device to transfer free energy.

Morgan didn’t take this well at all. Morgan told Tesla that this tower can’t be finished because, “You can’t put a meter on the air.” Morgan immediately ordered Wardenclyffe Tower destroyed and pulled any and all funding Tesla had remaining. Apparently in Morgan’s eyes, free energy was a threat to his profit margin.

 

J. P. Morgan doing his best Ebenezer Scrooge impersonation.

J. P. Morgan doing his best Ebenezer Scrooge impersonation.

 

Guglielmo Marconi eventually performed the first successful wireless transmission. And although for decades Marconi recieved credit for inventing the radio, he was actually using Tesla’s patents to achieve this goal. Tesla said of Marconi, “Let him continue his work. After all he is using seven of my patents.”

After Tesla’s funding was pulled by Morgan, he was ruined. No one would fund his experiments for fear he would actually create free energy for the benefit of the world. This once great man was forced into obscurity, and left penniless. Although he had no funding he continued to develop his theories and ideas, even if they wouldn’t ever be actualized. Tesla became known as a recluse mad scientist.

 

Yes, Nikola Tesla, the future will eventually be yours.

Yes, Nikola Tesla, the future will eventually be yours.

 

As time went by, Telsa become completely destitute. He spent his final years living in a hotel room in New York City. His name was only given mention by way of ridiculing him even more. He was asked to share the Nobel Peace Prize with Thomas Edison. Way to twist the knife, huh? This fell through and he didn’t receivethe prize. He was also later “honored” with the now annual Edison Award. He never showed up to receive the award. Instead they found him sitting on a bench across the street of the banquet hall, feeding pigeons.

Nikola Tesla never compromised in his belief that science and technology could be used to benefit mankind, and that should be the sole purpose of technological advancement. And one final insult came from our Government’s own J. Edgar Hoover. The day Nikola Tesla died, Hoover ransacked his hotel room and confiscated all of Tesla’s work.

 

NikolaTeslamural

 

So Johnny Red is raising a glass to Nikola Tesla and all the other brilliant men and women throughout history that were persecuted, overlooked, rejected, and pushed into the shadows. History has done it’s best to keep Nikola Tesla out of the light, but history cannot, because Tesla was the one who brought light itself to the world.

What’s that? You’ve completed my Tesla Coil!! Alright Team of Scientists, let’s see it!

 

Very Funny! Shut it off, now!

Very Funny! Shut it off, now!

 

Bonus Content:

It turns out I’m not the only one who believes Nikola Tesla deserves more recognition. I present to you the graphic novel, “The Five Fists of Science!”

 

It's described as a teaming up of Nikola Tesla and Mark Twain to fight the evils of Thomas Edison and J. P. Morgan! I gotta get my hands on this book!!

It's described as a teaming up of Nikola Tesla and Mark Twain to fight the evils of Thomas Edison and J. P. Morgan! I gotta get my hands on this book!!

 

John Michael Gagnon…aka…Johnny Red

 

johnnyredtoon

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