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Johnny Red’s Road Trip With a Depressed Transformer

Before we set out on my Road Trip with a Depressed Transformer, I have to say one thing. Michael Bay is a hack. His Transformer movies were abominations of what made growing up with the Transformers toys and watching the cartoons so great. He’s consiously made an effort to piss on our childhoods. Michael Bay is a horrible filmmaker, except I thought The Rock was pretty good. But that’s where it ended. For fuck’s sake he introduced “Black Guy” Transformers that literally said, “We don’t do much reading.”

The film idustry should put a restraining order on him. Here’s a clip of how Michael Bay makes movies.

So if Michael “Now I can pay for hookers” Bay can violate our beloved robots that transform into other things, then so can I!

I give you!

 

MILE ZERO:

Friday morning began as a peaceful, hopeful day. I was on the bottom steps of my apartment waiting for a Fed Ex delivery. I managed to score a copy of “Zombie Love Triangle” off of ebay for the low, low price of $350. Some might consider that a lot of money, but I don’t think you can put a price on viewing a threesome consisting of Jessica Biel, Scarlet Johansson, and a Zombified James Dean. It won lots of awards….in Europe.

When suddenly!!

*Whhhhoooooor! Whhhhoooooor!* (that’s an ambulance siren effect in case you were wondering)

“Hmmm? Must have been an accident somewhere.”

The ambulance is racing through traffic. Ironically it seems to be showing no regards to other’s safety. At one point it has driven onto the sidewalk, causing multiple elderly to jump into alleyways and into the doorways of local shops. See, I knew they only pretended to be slow. To my surprise the ambulance has stopped in front of my apartment.

*REE-RAWT-ROW-RA-ROOT*(that’s the sound effect of a transformer, well, transforming)

The Transformer known as Ratchet!

“ARE YOU THE HUMAN CALLED JOHNNY RED?!”

“You know who I am Ratchet.”

“THERE’S NO TIME!!”

*REE-RAWT-ROW-RA-ROOT*

“QUICKLY! GET INSIDE OF ME!”

“Um….no.”

“IT’S AN EMERGENCY AND THE AUTOBOTS NEED YOUR HELP!”

“AND I need to catch the Fed Ex guy. He’s been here three times this week and I wasn’t here. If I don’t pick up my package it will get sent back. Trust me. I NEED this for the weekend.”

“AND I SAY HUMANITY NEEDS YOU!!”

“God damnit!! Alright!”

The Autobots couldn't have sent Jazz to pick me up? At least he's a porsche.

MILE ONE:

“So what’s the problem?”

“MEGATRON IS BACK AND IS PLANNING ON RELEASING A TECHNO VIRUS TO DESTROY THE HUMAN RACE!”

“Really?”

“UH…YEAH!”

“Because I’ve been home all day and haven’t seen any of this on the news.”

“TRUST ME!”

“I don’t trust you. Why did you pick me up?”

“IT’S…UM…COMPLICATED.”

“Ratchet I’m not even joking. Why the fuck did you pick me up?”

“ARCEE LEFT ME AGAIN.”

Arcee: The first female Transformer. Yeah, she gets around.

“Oh you bastard! I can’t believe you did this to me again!”

“I JUST NEED SOMEONE TO TALK TO.”

“Now I know why they call you Ratchet.”

“WHY’S THAT?”

“Because you’re a fucking tool that’s why!”

“I’M SORRY. I’M A MESS…AND….I DON’T KNOW WHAT TO DO. IF A TRANSFORMER COULD CRY…I WOULD.”

“Alright, alright. Stop whining. What happened?”

“SHE LEFT ME FOR A NEW GUY. I CAN’T COMPETE.”

“Don’t be so hard on yourself. What does this guy have that you don’t?”

“I’M BRINGING UP HIS PROFILE ON MY DATA SCREEN.”

The Transformer known as Vibracon!

“Well….damn.”

“SHE SAID I WAS OLD NEWS, AND THAT I’M NOT DOING ANYTHING PRODUCTIVE WITH MY LIFE.”

“She has a point Ratchet. What have you done lately?”

“ARE YOU TAKING THE WHOREBOT’S SIDE?”

“No Ratchet I’m not. I mean just look at you. You have no style.”

“EXPLAIN.”

“Well first of all you transform into an ambulance that would have been decommissioned in the late 80’s.”

“I’M OLD FASHIONED.”

“I respect that about you, but look at Optimus Prime. He’s moved on with his life.”

"WHEN NOT STICKING MY ROBOT FOOT UP DECEPTICON ASS, I SPEND MY TIME ROCKING OUT TO MY FAVORITE TUNES WITH MY APPLE iPOD."

“HE’S A SELL OUT!”

“Possibly, but look at where it has taken him. There’s no real Decepticon threat anymore Ratchet. You have to find a new purpose while here on Earth.”

“NOT ONLY IS HE A SELL OUT, BUT HIS PRESIDENTIAL BID IS BEYOND RIDICULOUS.”

“Are you even listening to me?”

“BEING LEADER OF THE AUTOBOTS WASN’T ENOUGH? HE’S ALSO LEADER OF CYBERTRON. NOW HE WANTS TO BE PRESIDENT OF THE HUMANS AS WELL.”

 

“YOU HUMANS CAN’T CHANGE INTO ANYTHING!”

“Ratchet, stop deflecting.”

“YOU’RE RIGHT. I’M SORRY.”

“And stop apologizing all the time. Show some balls…er…ball bearings perhaps. I don’t know what you guys have down there.”

“WHAT AM I GONNA DO?”

“I’ll tell ya what. I know a bar not far from here.”

MILE TWENTY:

“AHHH. THIS IS JUST WHAT I NEEDED.”

“Feels good doesn’t it?”

“A BAR, GOOD DRINKS, AND A GOOD FRIEND. THIS IS ALL I REALLY NEED.”

“You don’t have any money on you do you?”

“WHAT WOULD I NEED WITH HUMAN MONEY?”

“It’s just that–”

“ANOTHER ROUND HUMAN BAR KEEP!”

“Um…fine I’ll pay.”

“I JUST HAVE ONE QUESTION.”

“What’s that Ratchet?”

“WHY IS THE BAR KEEP STARING A HOLE STRAIGHT THROUGH ME?”

 

“Maybe it’s because you tore the roof off of this place so you could get inside.”

“PAY THE TAB. WE SHOULD BE GOING.”

MILE FIFTY:

“PADIDDLE!”

“…”

“PADIDDLE!”

“Stop. I’m not playing.”

"PADIDDLE!"

“PADIDDLE! PADIDDLE!”

“I’m not joking.”

“PADIDDLE! PADIDDLE! PADIDDLE! YOU OWE ME SO MUCH ENERGON!”

“shut up. Shut Up. SHUT UP!!”

MILE EIGHTY:

“You don’t even have a tape deck in here.”

“YOU DON’T WANT TO TALK ANYMORE?”

“I don’t know what else we can talk about.”

“EXPLAIN.”

“You’re stubborn. You’re not gonna change. You want to hold on to this ideology that you are here to save humanity.”

“AND THAT’S A BAD THING?”

“No it’s not. It’s just an old thing.”

“IT’S NOT OLD. THERE ARE STILL HUMANS THAT NEED HELP. LIKE THIS ONE. I’M GONNA PICK UP THAT HITCHHIKER.”

“Don’t pick up that hitchhiker!”

Of course.

“WHAT IS YOUR DESTINATION HUMAN?”

“I’m on a mission to save the human race.”

“WHAT A COINCIDENCE! AS AM I!”

“Ratchet, he’s not on a mission to save the human race.”

“I’m from the planet Nerplex and I’ve been sent here by my Reptloid bretheren!”

“I FIND NO SUCH PLANET AS NERPLEX IN MY DATA BASE.”

“Pull over Ratchet.”

“JOHNNY RED YOUR VITAL SIGNS ARE GOING SPASTIC.”

“He has a hatchet.”

“No Nerplex? Has my home planet been destoyed?”

“IT’S POSSIBLE.”

“It’s not possible. Nerplex sounds like a prescription drug which he is probably off of.”

A view into the mind of our hitchhiker.

“You mock the Reptloid race!”

“Nooooo…it’s just that we aren’t equipped to…um…transport you back home.”

“Aaaaaaargh!! Die puny human!”

“WHAT IS HAPPENNING?”

“Fuck! Pull the vehicle over!”

“I AM THE VEHICLE.”

“The hatchet is in my elbow!! Pull OVER!”

SCREEEEEECH!!!

Ratchet screeches to a halt as I hurdle myself outside. I quickly slam the door shut leaving the homicidal lunatic trapped inside. Then I quickly pull the hatchet out of my elbow.

“Ooooow! Fucking hell! Ratchet lock the doors so he doesn’t escape!”

“OK!”

“We have to call the police so that they can deal–”

*REE-AHHH!-RAWT-CRUNCH!-ROW-RA-BLOODY GURGLING-ROOT*

“OOPS.”

“That was and will forever be the most horrific thing I have ever heard or seen.”

“SOOOO, SHALL WE CONTINUE?”

“Not until we get you cleaned up. Carry me to a car wash.”

MILE EIGHTY FIVE:

 

 

“I FEEL SO MUCH SHAME RIGHT NOW.”

“Quiet, you’re almost cleaned up.”

“YOU’RE RIGHT YOU KNOW. I’M OLD FASHIONED AND USELESS.”

“You’re not useless.”

“I’VE EVEN RUINED OUR FRIENDSHIP HAVEN’T I?”

“It’s not ruined Ratchet. I’m just a little pissed off because I hadn’t planned on spending my day pressure washing bits of crazy person out of you.”

“I’M A LOSER.”

Ratchet turns his robot face away and begins sulking.

“There, all done. I gotta go inside and make a quick call. Then we’ll head out.”

Five Minutes Later:

“Ok Ratchet, let’s roll out!”

“WHY SO CHIPPER?”

“No reason.”

 

MILE ONE HUNDRED:

“I’M JUST GONNA TAKE YOU HOME.”

“Why? Our road trip has just started.”

“YOU’RE JUST BEING NICE.”

“Ratchet I’ve been thinking and….boy that jet seems to be flying really low.”

“I’LL ANALYZE IT.”

“And?”

“DON’T PANIC JOHNNY RED! BUT THAT’S NOT JUST A JET!”

“Oh no Ratchet! What could it possibly be?”

*REE-RAWT-ROW-RA-ROOT*

Decepticon known as Dirge: Ok, well not too well known.

“TREMBLE HUMANS! I’M DIRGE AND…UM…I’M UP TO NO GOOD!”

“Ratchet! Save me!”

“DON’T WORRY JOHNNY RED! I’LL PROTECT YOU!”

Ratchet places me behind a building to keep me safe. He then proceeds to lay a pummeling on poor Dirge.

Ooooooooh Snap!!

“DIRGE! YOU’VE PICKED THE WRONG AUTOBOT ON THE WRONG DAY!”

I cringe as Ratchet robot piledrives Dirge into an abandoned Chuck E Cheese.

“PLEASE SHOW MERCY RATCHET! SPARE MY LIFE AND I’LL LEAVE!”

“LEAVE THEN! AND LET THE OTHER DECEPTICONS KNOW THAT THERE IS STILL ONE AUTOBOT THAT THEY HAVE TO FEAR!”

*REE-RAWT-ROW-RA-ROOT*

Dirge transforms and flies away leaving a smoke trail behind him.

“Ratchet! That was amazing! You saved me!”

“YOU’RE WELCOME JOHNNY RED! I FEEL ALIVE! LIKE I COULD TAKE ON THE WORLD!”

“That’s great! But can you start by taking me home?”

“OF COURSE. YOU’VE BEEN THROUGH A TRAUMATIC EVENT. YOU MUST GO HOME AND REST.”

TWO DAYS LATER AT JOHNNY RED’S APARTMENT:

*RING! RING!*

“Hello.”

“HEY JOHNNY RED. IT’S DIRGE.”

“Hey Dirge. Thanks a lot for the other day.”

“YEAH…ABOUT THAT. DO YOU HAVE MY ENERGON?”

“Yep. Just stop on by whenever you can.”

I always keep a supply of Energon on stand by.

“I LIKE ENERGON.”

“I know you do Dirge.”

“I MAY HAVE A PROBLEM…YOU KNOW…WITH ENERGON. IT’S NOT EASY HAVING A DILDO SHAPED HEAD.”

“Well we all have our addictions and reasons why we do.”

“UM…I WAS THINKING THAT WHEN I PICK IT UP THAT MAYBE WE CAN GO FOR A FLY AND TALK ABOUT IT?”

“God damnit.”

“WHAT WAS THAT?”

“Nothing Dirge, it was nothing.”

BONUS CONTENT

 

 

JOHN MICHAEL GAGNON…REE-RAWT-ROW-RA-ROOT…JOHNNY RED

 

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