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Johnny Red’s Road Trip With a Depressed Transformer

Before we set out on my Road Trip with a Depressed Transformer, I have to say one thing. Michael Bay is a hack. His Transformer movies were abominations of what made growing up with the Transformers toys and watching the cartoons so great. He’s consiously made an effort to piss on our childhoods. Michael Bay is a horrible filmmaker, except I thought The Rock was pretty good. But that’s where it ended. For fuck’s sake he introduced “Black Guy” Transformers that literally said, “We don’t do much reading.”

The film idustry should put a restraining order on him. Here’s a clip of how Michael Bay makes movies.

So if Michael “Now I can pay for hookers” Bay can violate our beloved robots that transform into other things, then so can I!

I give you!

 

MILE ZERO:

Friday morning began as a peaceful, hopeful day. I was on the bottom steps of my apartment waiting for a Fed Ex delivery. I managed to score a copy of “Zombie Love Triangle” off of ebay for the low, low price of $350. Some might consider that a lot of money, but I don’t think you can put a price on viewing a threesome consisting of Jessica Biel, Scarlet Johansson, and a Zombified James Dean. It won lots of awards….in Europe.

When suddenly!!

*Whhhhoooooor! Whhhhoooooor!* (that’s an ambulance siren effect in case you were wondering)

“Hmmm? Must have been an accident somewhere.”

The ambulance is racing through traffic. Ironically it seems to be showing no regards to other’s safety. At one point it has driven onto the sidewalk, causing multiple elderly to jump into alleyways and into the doorways of local shops. See, I knew they only pretended to be slow. To my surprise the ambulance has stopped in front of my apartment.

*REE-RAWT-ROW-RA-ROOT*(that’s the sound effect of a transformer, well, transforming)

The Transformer known as Ratchet!

“ARE YOU THE HUMAN CALLED JOHNNY RED?!”

“You know who I am Ratchet.”

“THERE’S NO TIME!!”

*REE-RAWT-ROW-RA-ROOT*

“QUICKLY! GET INSIDE OF ME!”

“Um….no.”

“IT’S AN EMERGENCY AND THE AUTOBOTS NEED YOUR HELP!”

“AND I need to catch the Fed Ex guy. He’s been here three times this week and I wasn’t here. If I don’t pick up my package it will get sent back. Trust me. I NEED this for the weekend.”

“AND I SAY HUMANITY NEEDS YOU!!”

“God damnit!! Alright!”

The Autobots couldn't have sent Jazz to pick me up? At least he's a porsche.

MILE ONE:

“So what’s the problem?”

“MEGATRON IS BACK AND IS PLANNING ON RELEASING A TECHNO VIRUS TO DESTROY THE HUMAN RACE!”

“Really?”

“UH…YEAH!”

“Because I’ve been home all day and haven’t seen any of this on the news.”

“TRUST ME!”

“I don’t trust you. Why did you pick me up?”

“IT’S…UM…COMPLICATED.”

“Ratchet I’m not even joking. Why the fuck did you pick me up?”

“ARCEE LEFT ME AGAIN.”

Arcee: The first female Transformer. Yeah, she gets around.

“Oh you bastard! I can’t believe you did this to me again!”

“I JUST NEED SOMEONE TO TALK TO.”

“Now I know why they call you Ratchet.”

“WHY’S THAT?”

“Because you’re a fucking tool that’s why!”

“I’M SORRY. I’M A MESS…AND….I DON’T KNOW WHAT TO DO. IF A TRANSFORMER COULD CRY…I WOULD.”

“Alright, alright. Stop whining. What happened?”

“SHE LEFT ME FOR A NEW GUY. I CAN’T COMPETE.”

“Don’t be so hard on yourself. What does this guy have that you don’t?”

“I’M BRINGING UP HIS PROFILE ON MY DATA SCREEN.”

The Transformer known as Vibracon!

“Well….damn.”

“SHE SAID I WAS OLD NEWS, AND THAT I’M NOT DOING ANYTHING PRODUCTIVE WITH MY LIFE.”

“She has a point Ratchet. What have you done lately?”

“ARE YOU TAKING THE WHOREBOT’S SIDE?”

“No Ratchet I’m not. I mean just look at you. You have no style.”

“EXPLAIN.”

“Well first of all you transform into an ambulance that would have been decommissioned in the late 80’s.”

“I’M OLD FASHIONED.”

“I respect that about you, but look at Optimus Prime. He’s moved on with his life.”

"WHEN NOT STICKING MY ROBOT FOOT UP DECEPTICON ASS, I SPEND MY TIME ROCKING OUT TO MY FAVORITE TUNES WITH MY APPLE iPOD."

“HE’S A SELL OUT!”

“Possibly, but look at where it has taken him. There’s no real Decepticon threat anymore Ratchet. You have to find a new purpose while here on Earth.”

“NOT ONLY IS HE A SELL OUT, BUT HIS PRESIDENTIAL BID IS BEYOND RIDICULOUS.”

“Are you even listening to me?”

“BEING LEADER OF THE AUTOBOTS WASN’T ENOUGH? HE’S ALSO LEADER OF CYBERTRON. NOW HE WANTS TO BE PRESIDENT OF THE HUMANS AS WELL.”

 

“YOU HUMANS CAN’T CHANGE INTO ANYTHING!”

“Ratchet, stop deflecting.”

“YOU’RE RIGHT. I’M SORRY.”

“And stop apologizing all the time. Show some balls…er…ball bearings perhaps. I don’t know what you guys have down there.”

“WHAT AM I GONNA DO?”

“I’ll tell ya what. I know a bar not far from here.”

MILE TWENTY:

“AHHH. THIS IS JUST WHAT I NEEDED.”

“Feels good doesn’t it?”

“A BAR, GOOD DRINKS, AND A GOOD FRIEND. THIS IS ALL I REALLY NEED.”

“You don’t have any money on you do you?”

“WHAT WOULD I NEED WITH HUMAN MONEY?”

“It’s just that–”

“ANOTHER ROUND HUMAN BAR KEEP!”

“Um…fine I’ll pay.”

“I JUST HAVE ONE QUESTION.”

“What’s that Ratchet?”

“WHY IS THE BAR KEEP STARING A HOLE STRAIGHT THROUGH ME?”

 

“Maybe it’s because you tore the roof off of this place so you could get inside.”

“PAY THE TAB. WE SHOULD BE GOING.”

MILE FIFTY:

“PADIDDLE!”

“…”

“PADIDDLE!”

“Stop. I’m not playing.”

"PADIDDLE!"

“PADIDDLE! PADIDDLE!”

“I’m not joking.”

“PADIDDLE! PADIDDLE! PADIDDLE! YOU OWE ME SO MUCH ENERGON!”

“shut up. Shut Up. SHUT UP!!”

MILE EIGHTY:

“You don’t even have a tape deck in here.”

“YOU DON’T WANT TO TALK ANYMORE?”

“I don’t know what else we can talk about.”

“EXPLAIN.”

“You’re stubborn. You’re not gonna change. You want to hold on to this ideology that you are here to save humanity.”

“AND THAT’S A BAD THING?”

“No it’s not. It’s just an old thing.”

“IT’S NOT OLD. THERE ARE STILL HUMANS THAT NEED HELP. LIKE THIS ONE. I’M GONNA PICK UP THAT HITCHHIKER.”

“Don’t pick up that hitchhiker!”

Of course.

“WHAT IS YOUR DESTINATION HUMAN?”

“I’m on a mission to save the human race.”

“WHAT A COINCIDENCE! AS AM I!”

“Ratchet, he’s not on a mission to save the human race.”

“I’m from the planet Nerplex and I’ve been sent here by my Reptloid bretheren!”

“I FIND NO SUCH PLANET AS NERPLEX IN MY DATA BASE.”

“Pull over Ratchet.”

“JOHNNY RED YOUR VITAL SIGNS ARE GOING SPASTIC.”

“He has a hatchet.”

“No Nerplex? Has my home planet been destoyed?”

“IT’S POSSIBLE.”

“It’s not possible. Nerplex sounds like a prescription drug which he is probably off of.”

A view into the mind of our hitchhiker.

“You mock the Reptloid race!”

“Nooooo…it’s just that we aren’t equipped to…um…transport you back home.”

“Aaaaaaargh!! Die puny human!”

“WHAT IS HAPPENNING?”

“Fuck! Pull the vehicle over!”

“I AM THE VEHICLE.”

“The hatchet is in my elbow!! Pull OVER!”

SCREEEEEECH!!!

Ratchet screeches to a halt as I hurdle myself outside. I quickly slam the door shut leaving the homicidal lunatic trapped inside. Then I quickly pull the hatchet out of my elbow.

“Ooooow! Fucking hell! Ratchet lock the doors so he doesn’t escape!”

“OK!”

“We have to call the police so that they can deal–”

*REE-AHHH!-RAWT-CRUNCH!-ROW-RA-BLOODY GURGLING-ROOT*

“OOPS.”

“That was and will forever be the most horrific thing I have ever heard or seen.”

“SOOOO, SHALL WE CONTINUE?”

“Not until we get you cleaned up. Carry me to a car wash.”

MILE EIGHTY FIVE:

 

 

“I FEEL SO MUCH SHAME RIGHT NOW.”

“Quiet, you’re almost cleaned up.”

“YOU’RE RIGHT YOU KNOW. I’M OLD FASHIONED AND USELESS.”

“You’re not useless.”

“I’VE EVEN RUINED OUR FRIENDSHIP HAVEN’T I?”

“It’s not ruined Ratchet. I’m just a little pissed off because I hadn’t planned on spending my day pressure washing bits of crazy person out of you.”

“I’M A LOSER.”

Ratchet turns his robot face away and begins sulking.

“There, all done. I gotta go inside and make a quick call. Then we’ll head out.”

Five Minutes Later:

“Ok Ratchet, let’s roll out!”

“WHY SO CHIPPER?”

“No reason.”

 

MILE ONE HUNDRED:

“I’M JUST GONNA TAKE YOU HOME.”

“Why? Our road trip has just started.”

“YOU’RE JUST BEING NICE.”

“Ratchet I’ve been thinking and….boy that jet seems to be flying really low.”

“I’LL ANALYZE IT.”

“And?”

“DON’T PANIC JOHNNY RED! BUT THAT’S NOT JUST A JET!”

“Oh no Ratchet! What could it possibly be?”

*REE-RAWT-ROW-RA-ROOT*

Decepticon known as Dirge: Ok, well not too well known.

“TREMBLE HUMANS! I’M DIRGE AND…UM…I’M UP TO NO GOOD!”

“Ratchet! Save me!”

“DON’T WORRY JOHNNY RED! I’LL PROTECT YOU!”

Ratchet places me behind a building to keep me safe. He then proceeds to lay a pummeling on poor Dirge.

Ooooooooh Snap!!

“DIRGE! YOU’VE PICKED THE WRONG AUTOBOT ON THE WRONG DAY!”

I cringe as Ratchet robot piledrives Dirge into an abandoned Chuck E Cheese.

“PLEASE SHOW MERCY RATCHET! SPARE MY LIFE AND I’LL LEAVE!”

“LEAVE THEN! AND LET THE OTHER DECEPTICONS KNOW THAT THERE IS STILL ONE AUTOBOT THAT THEY HAVE TO FEAR!”

*REE-RAWT-ROW-RA-ROOT*

Dirge transforms and flies away leaving a smoke trail behind him.

“Ratchet! That was amazing! You saved me!”

“YOU’RE WELCOME JOHNNY RED! I FEEL ALIVE! LIKE I COULD TAKE ON THE WORLD!”

“That’s great! But can you start by taking me home?”

“OF COURSE. YOU’VE BEEN THROUGH A TRAUMATIC EVENT. YOU MUST GO HOME AND REST.”

TWO DAYS LATER AT JOHNNY RED’S APARTMENT:

*RING! RING!*

“Hello.”

“HEY JOHNNY RED. IT’S DIRGE.”

“Hey Dirge. Thanks a lot for the other day.”

“YEAH…ABOUT THAT. DO YOU HAVE MY ENERGON?”

“Yep. Just stop on by whenever you can.”

I always keep a supply of Energon on stand by.

“I LIKE ENERGON.”

“I know you do Dirge.”

“I MAY HAVE A PROBLEM…YOU KNOW…WITH ENERGON. IT’S NOT EASY HAVING A DILDO SHAPED HEAD.”

“Well we all have our addictions and reasons why we do.”

“UM…I WAS THINKING THAT WHEN I PICK IT UP THAT MAYBE WE CAN GO FOR A FLY AND TALK ABOUT IT?”

“God damnit.”

“WHAT WAS THAT?”

“Nothing Dirge, it was nothing.”

BONUS CONTENT

 

 

JOHN MICHAEL GAGNON…REE-RAWT-ROW-RA-ROOT…JOHNNY RED

 

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Top 5 Ways The Future Will Be Amazing…Maybe

“Where’s my flying car? Where is my freaking flying car?!” Isn’t that the age old question? Well, maybe not the age old question, but definitely since the last half of the last century. You see when Science Fiction became so popular around the world, people started asking this question. Another question was, “Where’s my Jetpack?” In fact a book was even written about it, and other technological marvels that we haven’t yet acquired.

 

Perhaps I should have read it before I began writing this blog. Oh well.

Perhaps I should have read it before I began writing this blog. Oh well.

 

Other promises made were teleportation, living on the moon or other planets, robotic servants…wait a minute. Promises? I don’t think we were really ever promised anything were we? I think we as a species love to fantasize or speculate on how our world would be better if these technologies were available. But if you think of it more deeply it seems last century’s generation really just wanted to be a bunch of lazy fucks. Jetpacks so you don’t have to walk anywhere. Teleportation devices so you REALLY don’t have to walk anywhere. Robotic servants to do your cleaning and work.

 

Why didn't the older generations get any of the cool shit? Because they were too lazy to create them.

Why didn't the older generations get any of the cool shit? Because they were too lazy to create them.

 

But we’re not talking about your grandparent’s past and their future disappointments! We’re talking about our present generation and our future possibilities. Granted we still haven’t succeeded in the past’s future technologies. This list isn’t about the past hopes, but our present achievments that can make our future. And I think I may have just created a time/space paradox within this paragraph.

Today I bring to you the top 5 ways the future will be amazing…maybe.

 

5.  Free Energy

Now when I’m talking about free energy, I’m not speaking of solar or wind power. We already have those up and running at fairly good success. I’m talking about energy that comes from virtually nowhere. The best example is the idea of a perpetual motion machine that can create more energy than is consumed to run the machine.  I know what you’re saying. Perpetual motion machines violate the laws of conservation of energy, and also the second law of thermodynamics. That is what you were saying, right? But imagine if it was possible! Well Irish IT company Steorn has claimed  just that.

 

Sean McCarthy, CEO of Steorn with what he claims to be a perpetual motion machine.

Sean McCarthy, CEO of Steorn with what he claims to be a perpetual motion machine.

 

Steorn claims that the machine uses magnets to harness the natural energy of the earth to create an energy output greater than the energy used. That sounds about right. Oh, but  there is a problem. Under independent tests the machine just flat out doesn’t work. Steorn claim the machine can work, but have yet to patent the device. Sounds fishy to me. BUT I am not against the theory of magnets being used to harness the planets natural electromagnetic field to help with work output. In fact:

There is No Such Thing as Fiction: The Mystery of Coral Castle

What confuses me is that Steorn, an Irish company, doesn’t realize that the Irish themselves are perpetual motion machines!

 

Being Irish myself, I can attest to the fact that the amount of work output by any one of us shouldn't be possible.

Being Irish myself, I can attest to the fact that the amount of work output by any one of us shouldn't be possible.

 

So maybe we are too far away from actually creating free energy. Perhaps it’s not even possible.  Although I’m sure there was once a time when somebody said, “One day we will fly through the sky in a giant metal bird, that will carry hundreds of us across the sea!”, before they were promptly labotomized and left to rot in a cell.

 

4. Bionic Upgrades

Now we’re getting into the good stuff! Have you ever thought how cool it would be to take pictures with your own eyes? Not only pictures but perhaps be able to record your entire life as you see it and later download it onto your computer? You haven’t? Well I have! That sounds like some crazy science fiction shit, but you know what? IT’S ALREADY HERE! Well it is for this guy.

 

Rob Spence with led eye, NOT the Terminator.

Rob Spence with led eye, NOT the Terminator.

 

Maybe I’m getting a little ahead of myself here. What Spence and his team have done was manage to fit an electronic device, complete with power source, into his eye socket as a replacement to the prosthetic eye he has used since childhood. Their next step is to create a prosthetic eye complete with a wireless video camera to document his life from his point of view. This next step seems almost certain.

But why stop there? What about people who are blind? Could bionic eye technology help them regain their sight? It already has.

A man who has been blind for 30 years has taken part in an experimental procedure at a London hospital to artificially restore his vision–with a bionic eye. Ron, who has not revealed his surname, says he is now able to see the difference between white, grey and black socks, and follow white road markings.

 

Ok, now follow me on this. If a bionic eye can replace your original eyes by feeding a signal directly to your brain, then where would it end? Imagine if you could zoom in your own vision, or display data from your point of view, maybe even use infared or a night vision lens? You would literally be a cyborg!

 

Hahaha! There's no hiding from me now!

Hahaha! There's no hiding from me now!

 

I salut those daring enough to take the next step in either sight restoration, or having vision, no pun intended, enough to make due with their unfortunate situation. It’s inspiring enough to make me want to grab a fork out of the utensils drawer and go to town. But unfortunately my broke ass can’t afford health insurance, or a prosthetic eye, let alone a bionic one. I’d end up like this guy.

 

Yarrrrrrrrn!!!

Yarrrrrrrrn!!!

 

3. At Home Bio-Hacking

 

Yes, that literally is what it sounds like. Amature scientists have been popping up all over the country and have begun performing their own bio experiments, without the restraint of government, without regard to the so-called ethical code, and mostly without a degree in education. I’m all for it.

Another name for biohacking is DIYBio, which means do it yourself bio engineering, duh. The amature bio-engineers claim to be doing this as a way to discover cures for diseases, like cancer, that they feel the government is purposely preventing from surfacing. Of course I tend to believe this as well since there is immense profit for pharmaceutical companies, as well as health insurance companies, as well as doctors, as well as scientists, as well as pretty much anyone making money off our illnesses.

 

See, they don't even try to hide it anymore.

See, they don't even try to hide it anymore.

 

Now we’re not talking about those cheesy at home chemistry sets we had as a kid. We’re talking full blown biological experimentation, or genetic manipulation done from your own basement or garage. Here’s a description:

This open, free synthetic biology kit contains all sorts of information from across the web on how to do it: how to extract and amplify DNA, cloning techniques, making DNA by what’s known as oligonucleotides, and all sorts of other tutorials and documents on techniques in genetic engineering, tissue engineering, synbio (synthetic biology), stem cell research, SCNT, evolutionary engineering, bioinformatics, etc.

 

Soooo, we may have in our possesion the possibility, I’ve researched it, the ability to reboot our own skin cells to become stem cells and literally grow new organs to replace ones we currently have. They would also be completely compatible. We can, with enough dedication and patience, grow replacement organs at home, throw them in a cooler with ice, bring them to the hospital and have them replaced. Sort of like going to a mechanic. I wonder who would be against this?

Oh yeah, Fox News jumped all over this.

 

 

Well Fox News, I’ve already downloaded my own DIYBio kit. If you want to label me a bioterrorist, then trust me in that I will bring it to your doorstep.

 

Ah ha! Never underestimate my loyal army of giant Lions!

Ah ha! Never underestimate my loyal army of giant Lions!

 

 

2. Finally Unlocking the Secrets of Space

 

Yeah, that’s a lot to cover in one entry of a Top 5 blog post. Luckily I have my friend here to help me. Let me introduce you to The Large Hadron Collider.

 

It's like a giant metal spider of potential cataclysm

It's like a giant metal spider of potential cataclysm

 

You may of heard of the Large Hadron Collider in the news the last year or so. The reason? Well the purpose of this machine, 17 miles in diameter to be specific, is to attempt to recreate the Big Bang. Not just once mind you, but several thousand times, AT ONCE! What the scientists and engineers who built this machine want to do is try to discover the hypothesized Higgs Boson which is the last unobserved particle predicted by the Standard Model. So to do that they will try to recreate another hypothesized event in the the Big Bang.

 

The Big Bang Theory: In the beginning there was nothing...and then it exploded.

The Big Bang Theory: In the beginning there was nothing...and then it exploded.

 

Everyone who reads my blog understands that I love scientific discovery. I believe that truth is most definitely stranger than fiction, but what we have here is tad disturbing. Well I shouldn’t worry because these people obviously know what they are doing right?

“We don’t know what’s going to happen.”

Actual quote from Abraham Seiden, Professor of Physics, and potential doom bringer working on the Large Hadron Collider. Now don’t write me off as some paranoid nutcase, after all I’m not the one with literally the entire world, and possibly the Universe in my hands. Because the truth is they don’t know. I like the potential data that can be attained if there is ever a succesful run. But you see it seems the Large Hadron Collider always breaks down. It’s currently being worked on and should be up and functioning for another test run this September.

 

How many times can you attempt to divide by zero, before you actually do it?

How many times can you attempt to divide by zero, before you actually do it?

 

 

1. A Complete and Utter Dystopia

 

Surprised? Well you shouldn’t be. It’s getting late and Johnny Red is beginning to stir. Behold the future I hope comes about!

 

Ooooh! Think of the fun we could have!!

Ooooh! Think of the fun we could have!!

 

Really, seriously think about it, why would anyone want to live in a Utopia? A perfect world, a sterile, clean, life of mediocrity? Screw that noise! I want excitement and danger at my every turn. I want to KNOW that I could die in any number of ways at any given second!

I want Gas Masks to be all the rage!

 

I want that! I want to have to wear that!

I want that! I want to have to wear that!

 

I want robot uprisings!

 

 

And I'm just on my way to work!!

And I'm just on my way to work!!

 

I want to fight off radioactive mutant sewer dwellers!

 

This C.H.U.D.'s for you!!

This C.H.U.D.'s for you!!

 

I want to race through the post-apocalyptic wastelands in the Last of the V8 Interceptors as I battle for a tank of juice!

 

Oh no! That latently homo-erotic biker is on my ass!

Oh no! That latently homo-erotic biker is on my ass!

 

I want to fight for survival in the Zombie Apocalypse! This time for real!

 

Hopefully that's not me in that outfit. But you can't ever know in a Dystopian Future.

Hopefully that's not me in that outfit. But you can't ever know in a Dystopian Future.

 

That’s right. I want all of that!  And with all the possible Dystopian futures I’ve seen in the movies, read in books, and played in video games, I’m guessing one of them is bound to happen!

 

Bonus Content:

One result Scientists are hoping to discover with the Large Hadron Collider, is if parallel universes actually exist, and if String Theory is real. Soooo, they may actually open up gateways to other dimensions, huh? Then anything could come through!

 

Cthulhu! We meet again! You...son...of...a...bitch!

Cthulhu! We meet again! You...son...of...a...bitch!

 

 

John Michael Gagnon…Johnny Red!!!

johnnyredtoon

Johnny Red and His Team of Scientists VS The Zombie Apocalypse!!

Time: The Not-So Distant Future

Place: Johnny Red’s Secret Laboratory

 

Scientist #3! I’ve been waiting hours for the test results on the neo-genetic recombinator and–what the hell? Scientist #3 the samples in your beaker are boiling over! Your bunsen burners are burning on high! I told you we need to be more cost efficient around here. Are you even listening to me?

And why is this place such a mess? Did the Yeti get out of it’s cage again? I’m telling you it feels like I’m babysitting around here. And why is Scientist #5 lying face down on the floor……..in a pool of his own blood………with a gaping hole in the back of his head where clearly his brain has been scooped out?

Scientist #3 will you please look at me when I’m talking to you!!!

 

 

Oooooooooh SNAP!

Oooooooooh SNAP!

 

 

johnnyredzombie

 

 

ALRIGHT EVERYBODY OUT!! QUICKLY NOW! SCIENTIST #2 SHUT THAT DOOR!!

 

Compose yourself, man! You're a scientist!

Compose yourself, man! You're a scientist!

 

Ok, Scientists team huddle right now! We knew this day would eventually come. Now we have to deal with it. We have to remain calm and analyze the situation at hand. Was Scientist #3 currently working on anything that could have caused this? No, the neo-genetic recombinator wouldn’t have done this to her. Umm…was she showing any symptoms before she changed? No, well then our next step is–Scientist #1 why are you holding your hand behind your back? No reason? Were you bit?! So help you God if you were bit! I’m keeping my eye on you!

Alright we have to find out if this is an isolated case, or if this is happening in other places. Turn on the television.

 

"At a press conference today, President Obama assured us there is nothing to worry about."

"At a press conference today, President Obama assured us there is nothing to worry about."

 

Change channel.

 

NOT a good sign.

NOT a good sign.

 

Change channel again.

 

Ok, it's official.

Ok, it's official.

 

Clearly Scientist #3 was not an isolated incident. Politicians will wait it out safely in their underground bunkers. The Military will do more damage, than good. And with no protection, the general public will be devoured and turned within days. We’re gonna have to put a stop to this Zombie menace ourselves before it’s too late. Bring me the “Solutions to Unbelievably Horrific Things” chart!

 

Hmm? Ninjas are cool, but can't risk the chance of them going zombie as well. Let's see....of course! Robots!

Hmm? Ninjas are cool, but can't risk the chance of them going zombie as well. Let's see....of course! Robots!

 

Scientist #2 don’t give me that look. I know you had your heart set on an Evil Robot Uprising, but if we don’t use your robotic creations to defeat the Zombie horde then there won’t be a future for an Evil Robot Uprising. Consider this a test run, ok?

Now comes the truly dangerous part. We have to venture outside and make our way to……..THE HANGAR! Grab whatever you can to use as a weapon. Remember the quickest way to take down a Zombie is to remove it’s head, or destroy the brain. Blunt or sharp instruments are your best bet. Ah, ah, ah…not so fast Scientist #4. That weapon is mine!

 

Come get some!!

Come get some!!

 

We’re out in the open so keep your wits about you. The Hangar is only about a mile down the road, but who knows how many zombies are lurking. Follow me, I know a short cut that should get us there in no time.

 

And they say our tax money is wasted.

And they say our tax money is wasted.

 

Ok stick close to me. We all know what happens when someone wanders off during a zombie menace. If we stick together we should be able to make it to the hangar. Wait! Did you hear something? It sort of sounded like…wheels?

 

Zombie Hawking!!!

Zombie Hawking!!!

 

That's for always getting the recognition I deserve!!

That's for always getting the recognition I deserve!!

 

That was close! Let’s keep moving.

Oh my God!

 

Zombie Britney!!!

Zombie Britney!!!

 

Take that, you Toxic skank!!!

Take that, you Toxic skank!!!

 

What could possibly be next?! Look out behind you!!

 

Zombie Jagger!!!

Zombie Jagger!!!

 

Consider yourself officially retired!!

Consider yourself officially retired!!

 

When will this madness end?! Oh no!!!

 

Zombie Jackson!!!

Zombie Jackson!!!

 

Now THIS is a Thriller!!

Now THIS is a Thriller!!

 

“Wait! I’m not a Zombie! I’m just looking for help! My Neverland Ranch has been taken over! Will you help me? Ah hee hee!”

…….

 

AHAHAHAHAHA!!!!

AHAHAHAHAHA!!!!

 

I see the Hangar!! It’s just through this parking lot. Scientist #2 go on ahead and get those beautiful robotic killing machines up and running! Scientist #4 quickly gather a few samples of zombie flesh so we can study it to find out exactly what caused this outbreak! Scientist #1 let’s take out a few more of these zombies to buy the others some time! Scientist #1?

 

 

Damnit! I knew you were bit!!

Damnit! I knew you were bit!!

 

You served me well!!

You served me well!!

 

Ok, everyone is here. I can hear the zombie horde approaching! Scientist #2…are they ready? Yes, then let’s show these undead brain eating bastards how we play ball! Oh, and Scientist #2, how about some music to set the mood?

(Instructions: play youtube vid, it’s actually just audio, and if you continue reading the music makes a kick ass action soundtrack! Or if you’re at work and can’t play the music, well then quit your job.)

 

They’re very close now.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Scientist #2 open the Hangar on the count of three.

 

 

 

 

 

 

One…

 

 

 

 

 

 

Two…

 

 

 

 

 

 

Three!!

 

 

Open the Hangar!

hangar

 

 

HERE THEY COME!!

HERE THEY COME!!

 

Hahahaha! We got your cure right here!

 

"And now my unfortunate friend! You will discover a War you're unable to win!"

"And now my unfortunate friend! You will discover a War you're unable to win!"

 

 

"A terror to behold! Annihilation will be unavoidable!"

"A terror to behold! Annihilation will be unavoidable!"

 

 

Hahaha! Look at 'em scatter! More Robots!!

Hahaha! Look at 'em scatter! More Robots!!

 

 

"Indestructible! Determination that is incorruptible!"

"Indestructible! Determination that is incorruptible!"

 

 

"No hesitation when I am commanded to strike! You need to know that you're in for the fight of your life!"

"No hesitation when I am commanded to strike! You need to know that you're in for the fight of your life!"

 

Zombie children are no exception!!!

 

"My dedication to all that I've sworn to protect! I carry out my orders without a regret!"

"My dedication to all that I've sworn to protect! I carry out my orders without a regret!"

 

 

Finish them off!!!!

 

 

"Every broken enemy will know! That their opponent had to be invincible!"

"Every broken enemy will know! That their opponent had to be invincible!"

 

 

My that was exciting! Take that Michael “Giant Fucking Robots are Coming” Bay! Now to take a look outside and see if we’re safe.

 

Victory is ours!

Victory is ours!

 

Well Team of Scientists, it looks like we’ve saved humanity yet again. Scientist #2 I’m especially proud of you and your giant robot creations. It also appears that your future Evil Robot Uprising seems very plausible. Kudos to you!

What’s that? We should go celebrate? Well…I suppose it couldn’t hurt. In fact why not? I’m giving you guys the rest of the day off. Where should we celebrate? Hooters? I don’t know…seems a little…beneath us doesn’t it? What the hell! First round is on me!

 

 

We'll have a table for--HOLY CRAP!

We'll have a table for--HOLY CRAP!

 

 

John Michael Gagnon…braaains!…Johnny Red

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*I do not apply ownership, or creation rights to pics featured on this blog

Johnny Red and his Team of Scientists VS. The Church of Scientology

Science by definition:  the state of knowing : knowledge as distinguished from ignorance or misunderstanding

Scientology by definition: the state of believing : knowledge NOT distinguished from the insane babbling of a drug filled science fiction writer and con artist

scientology

Where to begin? My Team of Scientists and I have spent the last week researching The Church of Scientology, and it’s claims that it can free humans from suffering, war, illnesses, and ancient alien ghosts that currently inhabit our body. In all this research I was amazed to find very little “science” in Scientology. Given the word “Scientology”, I figured it would be swimming in it. Instead we discovered a worldwide scam set up as a religion to dupe people out of their lifesavings all the while leaving a mysterious trail of fraud, intimidation, and in some cases death.

Well let’s start off with the man who created Scientology in the first place. L. Ron Hubbard created the Church of Scientology in 1952.

 

 

A face that screams leadership

A face that screams leadership

 

 

Hubbard, a mediocore science fiction writer at best, claims that 75 million years ago our solar system was filled with many more planets than we have now and were becoming overpopulated. Xenu, the galactic dictator at the time, decided that the best form of population control was to gather up billions of the inhabitants of these planets, freeze them, and then bring them to Earth for prompt destruction.

Stay with me now…

Xenu then dumped these aliens around various volcanoes on the Earth, and then H-bombed the shit out of these volcanoes.

But wait, how did Xenu transport all those aliens? Apparently he flew them all to Earth in Spaceships that Hubbard described as looking nearly identical to DC-8 airplanes.

 

 

I suspect Hubbard was driving by the airport when he came up with that spaceship description. I say that because DC-8 planes were being flown in the 50's, around the same time he came up Scientology.

I suspect Hubbard was driving by the airport when he came up with that spaceship description. I say that because DC-8 planes were being flown in the 50's, around the same time he came up with Scientology.

 

 

 

But the story doesn’t end there. After the alien bodies were destroyed, their spirits, named Thetans, were released. Xenu apparently knew this was going to happen. He captured the Thetans and forced them to watch brainwashing propaganda and released the Thetans back onto Earth where they eventually found primitive humans. The Thetans bonded with the humans and we eventually created various religions, institutions, etc. that are the product of Xenu’s propaganda. Oh and eventually Xenu was captured in a rebellion by the aliens of the other planets and confined to an electrical prison on a mountain top somewhere.

My thoughts exactly.

My thoughts exactly.

Sure most religions have crazy creation myths and fantastic stories that if you are a follower would have to take them on faith, but have you ever read Moses, Jesus, Buddha, or Muhammad quoted as saying this:

“You don’t get rich writing science fiction. If you want to get rich, you start a religion.” -L. Ron Hubbard

And rich he became, because you see in order to rid ourselves of those nasty Thetans you have to go through several auditing levels in the Church of Scientology. It’s all very complex and if your are curious I would suggest searching the net as I did. But the bottom line is this: each level of auditing requires you to pay more and more out of your pocket. By the time you reach the uppper levels of auditing members have to pay upwards of a $100,000 a session. Hubbard called this the process to becoming “clear”.

It's "clear" my dumbass was robbed blind.

It's "clear" my dumbass was robbed blind.

Now your first auditing session is free of charge of course, not unlike crack rock. So what brings people back for an expensive second auditing? I put my Team of Scientists to work on this and they returned with some amazing results. You see Scientology auditors use a device they call an E-Meter.

blue-e-meter

A small current of electricity flows through your body as you grip the two metal rods. A reading is then displayed of your unhappiness level. This determines whether or not the Scientologist wants you to take a second audit. A lot of people actually shell out the money for the second audit. Why is this? Well this is what we found:

“The actual amount of charge delivered to the body by many FDA approved medical devices is of the identical order of magnitude of the small current provided by the Scientology E-Meter.

Thus, I conclude that the E-meter directly provides a pain killing adjunct to the implied result of Scientology auditing technology’s release state.

This is also the source of the sag effect of a participant feeling great after auditing, yet having a sagging emotion tone some few days later – as his bodies endorphin levels go down past normal in a hang over effect, in which, like a heroin addict, he wants another dose, only it is a dose of auditing.”

You can now see how Scientology is clearly a scam to bilk people out of their money. This leads to my next theory. Scientology targets celebrities deliberately since they have more money then they know what to do with.

No, this isn't photoshopped.

No, this isn't photoshopped.

Many of you probably know of Scientology because of the celebrities who are members. Tom Cruise, Kirstie Alley, John Travolta, the list goes on and on. On a side note I have discovered something that may or may not be directly related to Scientology.

Is Scientology shrinking Tom Cruise, or enlarging Katie Holmes and an incredible rate?

Is Scientology shrinking Tom Cruise, or enlarging Katie Holmes at an incredible rate?

Seriously...

Seriously...

...WTF is going on here?!

...WTF is going on here?!

And of course like all religions, Scientology claims to want nothing more than to help those suffering from the hardships of the world we live in. We’ve heard that tired old song too many times. Upon L. Ron Hubbard’s death in 1986, David Miscavige has taken the leadership role in the Church of Scientology. He’s quoted as saying:

“If you want to know what our ultimate goal would be, of course it would be utter peace.” -David Miscavige

Sounds like a humble man. Oh! I almost forgot, here’s a picture of Miscavige.

A lot of words come to mind, but "humble" isn't one of them.

A lot of words come to mind, but "humble" isn't one of them.

I’ve thought about waging an all out war against the Church of Scientology for their obvious fraud, deceptions, and misusing of the word science, but it appears I’ve already been beaten to it. For the last few years a group calling themselves “Anonymous” have been posting videos on youtube and protesting outside Scientology facilities and buildings. If I knew who any of them where, I’d gladly shake their hands.

Anonymous were obvious "V for Vendetta" fans

Anonymous are obviously "V for Vendetta" fans

 So what has gotten Anonymous so upset with Scientology? I mean if a bunch of weak minded celebrities, and people looking for a crutch are willing to dish out their money then what does it bother them? Well this is where we get into the truly dirty side of Scientology. Members of the Church are expected to follow strict rules. One of those rules is to not take any medications not approved by the Church, and also Psychiatrists are apparently the ultimate evil. Here’s the tragic story of one Lisa McPherson:

On December 5, 1995, Lisa McPherson was dead on arrival at a hospital 45 minutes north of Clearwater Florida. According to the coroner’s report, Lisa was underweight, severely dehydrated, and had bruises and bug bites.

Lisa McPherson was a Scientologist from the ages 18-36.

Lisa McPherson was a Scientologist from the ages 18-36.

 On November 18, 1995, Lisa was involved in a minor car accident. She was apparently not hurt, but she got out of her car and took all her clothes off and seemed mentally unstable. She was taken to a hospital where she was physically evaluated as being unharmed, but the hospital wanted her to be psychologically cared for. However, some Scientologists arrived and stated that Lisa did not believe in psychiatry, and she checked out after a short evaluation and left with the Scientologists. She went with them to Room 174 of the Ft. Harrison Hotel for “rest and relaxation” according to the church, but church logs from Lisa’s stay there  from November 18 to her death December 5 show differently.

Lisa McPherson’s suspicious death is not the only one the Church of Scientology has been accused of causing. If you want to learn more on this then click the following link:

The Unfunny Truth of Scientology  *Warning! Graphic images!*

 

If L. Ron Hubbard were alive today, I wonder what he would say about where Scientology has taken themselves? Actually I think that bastard would approve of it all.

l-ron-hubbard4

“I’m drinking lots of rum and popping pinks and greys.” Actual quote from Hubbard in a letter to his third wife.

Bonus Content

Charles Manson had over 100 hours of auditing sessions before he went on his own murderous rampage.

It's been rumored that Manson left Scientology because it was, "too insane" for his liking.

It's been rumored that Manson left Scientology because it was, "too insane" for his liking.

 

John Gagnon AKA Johnny Red

There is No Such Thing as Fiction: The Mystery of Coral Castle

Coral Castle was built in the early 20th century by an eccentric Latvian recluse named Edward Leedskalnin who allegedly left Latvia when he was rejected by his 16 year old fiance. He would never marry and would spend 30 years of his life building a Coral Castle and its surrounding buildings, for his alleged ‘Sweet Sixteen’

I know what you’re thinking? Big deal. This is just another story of unrequited love and how when some people suffer this heartache they build a giant fucking monument out of limestone. Sure I’ll give you that, but what makes this story different is HOW this monument to ‘never getting over it’ came to be. It’s because nobody knows how this man, a mere 5 foot tall, 100lbs, using primitive tools created this:

Seriously dude, there are other fish in the sea.

Seriously dude, there are other fish in the sea.

  Normally my Team of Scientists and I wouldn’t bat an eye at something like this. However upon researching the Coral Castle more and more we stumbled upon some truly unexplainable things.

Leaving for America, he came down with terminal tuberculosis. He allegedly spontaneously healed, stating that magnets had some effect on his healing.

Ok, magnets. Not quite enough evidence to support his claim. I was still not convinced this Castle was anything special.

Somehow he allegedly managed to single-handedly lift and maneuver blocks of megalithic stones, mostly coral, weighing up to 30 tons each, to create not only a castle but other things.

Hmmm??

Edward Leedskalnin, all 5 feet, 100lbs of him.

Edward Leedskalnin, all 5 feet, 100lbs of him.

White man, grey hair, likes magnets, initials E.L.?

Erik Lehnsherr, who can control metal and other objects through electromagnetic forces. OMG! That little old man is Magneto!

Erik Lehnsherr, who can control metal and other objects through electromagnetic forces. OMG! That little old man is Magneto!

In another quest to verify the existance of Super Heroes/Villains I have brought my Team of Scientists with me to Homestead, Florida where the Coral Castle is a famous tourist site. Grabbing a pamphlet at the Coral Castle gift shop, my Team of Scientists and I headed to the Castle Gate.

The pamphlet makes some very dubious claims, such as:

Edward spent over 28 years building the Coral Castle, refusing to allow anyone to view him while he worked. A few teenagers claimed to have witnessed his work, reported that he had caused the blocks of coral to move like hydrogen balloons. The only tool that Leedskalnin spoke of using was a “perpetual motion holder.”

Scientists! Team huddle now! Ok, if there is such a thing as a “perpetual motion holder” then we must unlock it’s secrets. It will be ours. We will use this lost technology to our own ends. We will…damnit why isn’t the tourist line moving?! 

After an aggravating 20 minute wait, due to Mr. and Mrs. Johnson from Fargo, ND, who felt their toy poodle deserved to view this achievement of engineering, finally agreed to put the yapping bastard back in their car, we finally reached the front gate.

p1010149-800

According to the pamphlet:

Entrance to Coral Castle is made through a gate fashioned from a single coral block weighing nine tons. The enormous block balances so perfectly on its center of gravity that a visitor can easily push it open with one finger. People who are sensitive to electromagnetic energies fields will sometimes report headaches while standing inside the archway of the nine-ton swinging gate – door – thought to be over a vortex – and a major grid point of the planet.

Hmm? Hey, Scientist #3! You’re very sensitive to elecromagnetic energy. Go stand in the archway and let me know how you feel.

Interesting, and very scientific.

Interesting, and very scientific.

After the authorities left we were able to continue our tour of Coral Castle. The monuments were breathtaking. A 5,000 lb heart shaped table,  22-ton obelisk stretches 40 feet toward the sky, a 30 ton telescope, towering twenty five feet, just a few of the things this eccentric old man created using magnetism.

A brief explanation of magnetism:

And example of how magnetism works, NOT elaborate instructions for the Shocker.

And example of how magnetism works, NOT elaborate instructions for the Shocker.

There are also six different types of magnetism. Ferromagnetism, ferrimagnetism, antiferromagnetism, paramagnetism, diamagnetism and…

Sexual Magnetism: When unseen forces bring two objects together

Sexual Magnetism: When unseen forces bring two objects together

Ok, science class is over, we must find his secret to moving and sculpting large objects. I want that perpetual motion holder! Scientists #1 and #2 search the North quadrant! Scientists #4 and #5 search the South! And NO Mrs. Johnson I don’t want to see pictures of your grandkids!

The search didn’t take long. Inside a small coral housing unit we found what we believe to be the perpetual motion holder.

Wow...I was kinda expecting more than this.

Wow...I was kinda expecting more than this.

I quickly had my Team of Scientists examine the device. They explained it looked like it was in perfect working condition. In fact all they had to do was turn the device on. Before I could respond…they did.

Heads up!!

Heads up!!

The large coral limestones became nearly weightless. The perpetual motion holder was able to somehow tap into the Earth’s electromagnetic forces and suspend gravity itself! But we were unprepared for the consequences of turning the device on. Clearly using the machine required much practice. And then there were the tourists…

Please Mrs. Johnson, I'm sorry and I'm sure your grandkids are adorable! Put that down!

Mrs. Johnson, I'm sorry and I'm sure your grandkids are adorable! But please put that down!

 Things were getting out of hand and we needed to get out of here quickly. I ordered my Team of Scientists to carry the perpetual motion holder to the car so we could make our daring escape.

Shit

Shit

The authorities, probably not happy with making a second trip out to the Coral Castle in one day, were on their way. I had to think fast. We needed another form of transport and we needed it now!

Scientist #2 you're a genius!!

Scientist #2 you're a genius!!

We probably should have felt quilty for stealing Mr. and Mrs. Johnson’s car, but upon further reflection it was done in the name of Science. Also, that damn dog bit me.

With the perpetual motion holder now in our hands, my Team of Scientists thought it would be appropriate to use the device to  build a monument to Scientist #3. I was actually touched by this request. Edward Leedskalnin had originally used the device to build a monument to his long lost love, and I felt it was fitting to use the device in a similar way. Team of Scientists, I leave the perpetual motion holder to you. Honor your fallen brother and make me proud.

 

Son of a bitch.

Son of a bitch.

 

John Gagnon aka Johnny Red

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