Before we set out on my Road Trip with a Depressed Transformer, I have to say one thing. Michael Bay is a hack. His Transformer movies were abominations of what made growing up with the Transformers toys and watching the cartoons so great. He’s consiously made an effort to piss on our childhoods. Michael Bay is a horrible filmmaker, except I thought The Rock was pretty good. But that’s where it ended. For fuck’s sake he introduced “Black Guy” Transformers that literally said, “We don’t do much reading.”
The film idustry should put a restraining order on him. Here’s a clip of how Michael Bay makes movies.
So if Michael “Now I can pay for hookers” Bay can violate our beloved robots that transform into other things, then so can I!
I give you!
Friday morning began as a peaceful, hopeful day. I was on the bottom steps of my apartment waiting for a Fed Ex delivery. I managed to score a copy of “Zombie Love Triangle” off of ebay for the low, low price of $350. Some might consider that a lot of money, but I don’t think you can put a price on viewing a threesome consisting of Jessica Biel, Scarlet Johansson, and a Zombified James Dean. It won lots of awards….in Europe.
*Whhhhoooooor! Whhhhoooooor!* (that’s an ambulance siren effect in case you were wondering)
“Hmmm? Must have been an accident somewhere.”
The ambulance is racing through traffic. Ironically it seems to be showing no regards to other’s safety. At one point it has driven onto the sidewalk, causing multiple elderly to jump into alleyways and into the doorways of local shops. See, I knew they only pretended to be slow. To my surprise the ambulance has stopped in front of my apartment.
*REE-RAWT-ROW-RA-ROOT*(that’s the sound effect of a transformer, well, transforming)
“ARE YOU THE HUMAN CALLED JOHNNY RED?!”
“You know who I am Ratchet.”
“THERE’S NO TIME!!”
“QUICKLY! GET INSIDE OF ME!”
“IT’S AN EMERGENCY AND THE AUTOBOTS NEED YOUR HELP!”
“AND I need to catch the Fed Ex guy. He’s been here three times this week and I wasn’t here. If I don’t pick up my package it will get sent back. Trust me. I NEED this for the weekend.”
“AND I SAY HUMANITY NEEDS YOU!!”
“God damnit!! Alright!”
“So what’s the problem?”
“MEGATRON IS BACK AND IS PLANNING ON RELEASING A TECHNO VIRUS TO DESTROY THE HUMAN RACE!”
“Because I’ve been home all day and haven’t seen any of this on the news.”
“I don’t trust you. Why did you pick me up?”
“Ratchet I’m not even joking. Why the fuck did you pick me up?”
“ARCEE LEFT ME AGAIN.”
“Oh you bastard! I can’t believe you did this to me again!”
“I JUST NEED SOMEONE TO TALK TO.”
“Now I know why they call you Ratchet.”
“Because you’re a fucking tool that’s why!”
“I’M SORRY. I’M A MESS…AND….I DON’T KNOW WHAT TO DO. IF A TRANSFORMER COULD CRY…I WOULD.”
“Alright, alright. Stop whining. What happened?”
“SHE LEFT ME FOR A NEW GUY. I CAN’T COMPETE.”
“Don’t be so hard on yourself. What does this guy have that you don’t?”
“I’M BRINGING UP HIS PROFILE ON MY DATA SCREEN.”
“SHE SAID I WAS OLD NEWS, AND THAT I’M NOT DOING ANYTHING PRODUCTIVE WITH MY LIFE.”
“She has a point Ratchet. What have you done lately?”
“ARE YOU TAKING THE WHOREBOT’S SIDE?”
“No Ratchet I’m not. I mean just look at you. You have no style.”
“Well first of all you transform into an ambulance that would have been decommissioned in the late 80’s.”
“I’M OLD FASHIONED.”
“I respect that about you, but look at Optimus Prime. He’s moved on with his life.”
“HE’S A SELL OUT!”
“Possibly, but look at where it has taken him. There’s no real Decepticon threat anymore Ratchet. You have to find a new purpose while here on Earth.”
“NOT ONLY IS HE A SELL OUT, BUT HIS PRESIDENTIAL BID IS BEYOND RIDICULOUS.”
“Are you even listening to me?”
“BEING LEADER OF THE AUTOBOTS WASN’T ENOUGH? HE’S ALSO LEADER OF CYBERTRON. NOW HE WANTS TO BE PRESIDENT OF THE HUMANS AS WELL.”
“YOU HUMANS CAN’T CHANGE INTO ANYTHING!”
“Ratchet, stop deflecting.”
“YOU’RE RIGHT. I’M SORRY.”
“And stop apologizing all the time. Show some balls…er…ball bearings perhaps. I don’t know what you guys have down there.”
“WHAT AM I GONNA DO?”
“I’ll tell ya what. I know a bar not far from here.”
“AHHH. THIS IS JUST WHAT I NEEDED.”
“Feels good doesn’t it?”
“A BAR, GOOD DRINKS, AND A GOOD FRIEND. THIS IS ALL I REALLY NEED.”
“You don’t have any money on you do you?”
“WHAT WOULD I NEED WITH HUMAN MONEY?”
“It’s just that–”
“ANOTHER ROUND HUMAN BAR KEEP!”
“Um…fine I’ll pay.”
“I JUST HAVE ONE QUESTION.”
“What’s that Ratchet?”
“WHY IS THE BAR KEEP STARING A HOLE STRAIGHT THROUGH ME?”
“Maybe it’s because you tore the roof off of this place so you could get inside.”
“PAY THE TAB. WE SHOULD BE GOING.”
“Stop. I’m not playing.”
“I’m not joking.”
“PADIDDLE! PADIDDLE! PADIDDLE! YOU OWE ME SO MUCH ENERGON!”
“shut up. Shut Up. SHUT UP!!”
“You don’t even have a tape deck in here.”
“YOU DON’T WANT TO TALK ANYMORE?”
“I don’t know what else we can talk about.”
“You’re stubborn. You’re not gonna change. You want to hold on to this ideology that you are here to save humanity.”
“AND THAT’S A BAD THING?”
“No it’s not. It’s just an old thing.”
“IT’S NOT OLD. THERE ARE STILL HUMANS THAT NEED HELP. LIKE THIS ONE. I’M GONNA PICK UP THAT HITCHHIKER.”
“Don’t pick up that hitchhiker!”
“WHAT IS YOUR DESTINATION HUMAN?”
“I’m on a mission to save the human race.”
“WHAT A COINCIDENCE! AS AM I!”
“Ratchet, he’s not on a mission to save the human race.”
“I’m from the planet Nerplex and I’ve been sent here by my Reptloid bretheren!”
“I FIND NO SUCH PLANET AS NERPLEX IN MY DATA BASE.”
“Pull over Ratchet.”
“JOHNNY RED YOUR VITAL SIGNS ARE GOING SPASTIC.”
“He has a hatchet.”
“No Nerplex? Has my home planet been destoyed?”
“It’s not possible. Nerplex sounds like a prescription drug which he is probably off of.”
“You mock the Reptloid race!”
“Nooooo…it’s just that we aren’t equipped to…um…transport you back home.”
“Aaaaaaargh!! Die puny human!”
“WHAT IS HAPPENNING?”
“Fuck! Pull the vehicle over!”
“I AM THE VEHICLE.”
“The hatchet is in my elbow!! Pull OVER!”
Ratchet screeches to a halt as I hurdle myself outside. I quickly slam the door shut leaving the homicidal lunatic trapped inside. Then I quickly pull the hatchet out of my elbow.
“Ooooow! Fucking hell! Ratchet lock the doors so he doesn’t escape!”
“We have to call the police so that they can deal–”
“That was and will forever be the most horrific thing I have ever heard or seen.”
“SOOOO, SHALL WE CONTINUE?”
“Not until we get you cleaned up. Carry me to a car wash.”
MILE EIGHTY FIVE:
“I FEEL SO MUCH SHAME RIGHT NOW.”
“Quiet, you’re almost cleaned up.”
“YOU’RE RIGHT YOU KNOW. I’M OLD FASHIONED AND USELESS.”
“You’re not useless.”
“I’VE EVEN RUINED OUR FRIENDSHIP HAVEN’T I?”
“It’s not ruined Ratchet. I’m just a little pissed off because I hadn’t planned on spending my day pressure washing bits of crazy person out of you.”
“I’M A LOSER.”
Ratchet turns his robot face away and begins sulking.
“There, all done. I gotta go inside and make a quick call. Then we’ll head out.”
Five Minutes Later:
“Ok Ratchet, let’s roll out!”
“WHY SO CHIPPER?”
MILE ONE HUNDRED:
“I’M JUST GONNA TAKE YOU HOME.”
“Why? Our road trip has just started.”
“YOU’RE JUST BEING NICE.”
“Ratchet I’ve been thinking and….boy that jet seems to be flying really low.”
“I’LL ANALYZE IT.”
“DON’T PANIC JOHNNY RED! BUT THAT’S NOT JUST A JET!”
“Oh no Ratchet! What could it possibly be?”
“TREMBLE HUMANS! I’M DIRGE AND…UM…I’M UP TO NO GOOD!”
“Ratchet! Save me!”
“DON’T WORRY JOHNNY RED! I’LL PROTECT YOU!”
Ratchet places me behind a building to keep me safe. He then proceeds to lay a pummeling on poor Dirge.
“DIRGE! YOU’VE PICKED THE WRONG AUTOBOT ON THE WRONG DAY!”
I cringe as Ratchet robot piledrives Dirge into an abandoned Chuck E Cheese.
“PLEASE SHOW MERCY RATCHET! SPARE MY LIFE AND I’LL LEAVE!”
“LEAVE THEN! AND LET THE OTHER DECEPTICONS KNOW THAT THERE IS STILL ONE AUTOBOT THAT THEY HAVE TO FEAR!”
Dirge transforms and flies away leaving a smoke trail behind him.
“Ratchet! That was amazing! You saved me!”
“YOU’RE WELCOME JOHNNY RED! I FEEL ALIVE! LIKE I COULD TAKE ON THE WORLD!”
“That’s great! But can you start by taking me home?”
“OF COURSE. YOU’VE BEEN THROUGH A TRAUMATIC EVENT. YOU MUST GO HOME AND REST.”
TWO DAYS LATER AT JOHNNY RED’S APARTMENT:
“HEY JOHNNY RED. IT’S DIRGE.”
“Hey Dirge. Thanks a lot for the other day.”
“YEAH…ABOUT THAT. DO YOU HAVE MY ENERGON?”
“Yep. Just stop on by whenever you can.”
“I LIKE ENERGON.”
“I know you do Dirge.”
“I MAY HAVE A PROBLEM…YOU KNOW…WITH ENERGON. IT’S NOT EASY HAVING A DILDO SHAPED HEAD.”
“Well we all have our addictions and reasons why we do.”
“UM…I WAS THINKING THAT WHEN I PICK IT UP THAT MAYBE WE CAN GO FOR A FLY AND TALK ABOUT IT?”
“WHAT WAS THAT?”
“Nothing Dirge, it was nothing.”
JOHN MICHAEL GAGNON…REE-RAWT-ROW-RA-ROOT…JOHNNY RED
Time: The Not-So Distant Future
Place: Johnny Red’s Secret Laboratory
Scientist #3! I’ve been waiting hours for the test results on the neo-genetic recombinator and–what the hell? Scientist #3 the samples in your beaker are boiling over! Your bunsen burners are burning on high! I told you we need to be more cost efficient around here. Are you even listening to me?
And why is this place such a mess? Did the Yeti get out of it’s cage again? I’m telling you it feels like I’m babysitting around here. And why is Scientist #5 lying face down on the floor……..in a pool of his own blood………with a gaping hole in the back of his head where clearly his brain has been scooped out?
Scientist #3 will you please look at me when I’m talking to you!!!
ALRIGHT EVERYBODY OUT!! QUICKLY NOW! SCIENTIST #2 SHUT THAT DOOR!!
Ok, Scientists team huddle right now! We knew this day would eventually come. Now we have to deal with it. We have to remain calm and analyze the situation at hand. Was Scientist #3 currently working on anything that could have caused this? No, the neo-genetic recombinator wouldn’t have done this to her. Umm…was she showing any symptoms before she changed? No, well then our next step is–Scientist #1 why are you holding your hand behind your back? No reason? Were you bit?! So help you God if you were bit! I’m keeping my eye on you!
Alright we have to find out if this is an isolated case, or if this is happening in other places. Turn on the television.
Change channel again.
Clearly Scientist #3 was not an isolated incident. Politicians will wait it out safely in their underground bunkers. The Military will do more damage, than good. And with no protection, the general public will be devoured and turned within days. We’re gonna have to put a stop to this Zombie menace ourselves before it’s too late. Bring me the “Solutions to Unbelievably Horrific Things” chart!
Scientist #2 don’t give me that look. I know you had your heart set on an Evil Robot Uprising, but if we don’t use your robotic creations to defeat the Zombie horde then there won’t be a future for an Evil Robot Uprising. Consider this a test run, ok?
Now comes the truly dangerous part. We have to venture outside and make our way to……..THE HANGAR! Grab whatever you can to use as a weapon. Remember the quickest way to take down a Zombie is to remove it’s head, or destroy the brain. Blunt or sharp instruments are your best bet. Ah, ah, ah…not so fast Scientist #4. That weapon is mine!
We’re out in the open so keep your wits about you. The Hangar is only about a mile down the road, but who knows how many zombies are lurking. Follow me, I know a short cut that should get us there in no time.
Ok stick close to me. We all know what happens when someone wanders off during a zombie menace. If we stick together we should be able to make it to the hangar. Wait! Did you hear something? It sort of sounded like…wheels?
That was close! Let’s keep moving.
Oh my God!
What could possibly be next?! Look out behind you!!
When will this madness end?! Oh no!!!
“Wait! I’m not a Zombie! I’m just looking for help! My Neverland Ranch has been taken over! Will you help me? Ah hee hee!”
I see the Hangar!! It’s just through this parking lot. Scientist #2 go on ahead and get those beautiful robotic killing machines up and running! Scientist #4 quickly gather a few samples of zombie flesh so we can study it to find out exactly what caused this outbreak! Scientist #1 let’s take out a few more of these zombies to buy the others some time! Scientist #1?
Ok, everyone is here. I can hear the zombie horde approaching! Scientist #2…are they ready? Yes, then let’s show these undead brain eating bastards how we play ball! Oh, and Scientist #2, how about some music to set the mood?
(Instructions: play youtube vid, it’s actually just audio, and if you continue reading the music makes a kick ass action soundtrack! Or if you’re at work and can’t play the music, well then quit your job.)
They’re very close now.
Scientist #2 open the Hangar on the count of three.
Open the Hangar!
Hahahaha! We got your cure right here!
Zombie children are no exception!!!
Finish them off!!!!
My that was exciting! Take that Michael “Giant Fucking Robots are Coming” Bay! Now to take a look outside and see if we’re safe.
Well Team of Scientists, it looks like we’ve saved humanity yet again. Scientist #2 I’m especially proud of you and your giant robot creations. It also appears that your future Evil Robot Uprising seems very plausible. Kudos to you!
What’s that? We should go celebrate? Well…I suppose it couldn’t hurt. In fact why not? I’m giving you guys the rest of the day off. Where should we celebrate? Hooters? I don’t know…seems a little…beneath us doesn’t it? What the hell! First round is on me!
John Michael Gagnon…braaains!…Johnny Red
*I do not apply ownership, or creation rights to pics featured on this blog
Science by definition: the state of knowing : knowledge as distinguished from ignorance or misunderstanding
Scientology by definition: the state of believing : knowledge NOT distinguished from the insane babbling of a drug filled science fiction writer and con artist
Where to begin? My Team of Scientists and I have spent the last week researching The Church of Scientology, and it’s claims that it can free humans from suffering, war, illnesses, and ancient alien ghosts that currently inhabit our body. In all this research I was amazed to find very little “science” in Scientology. Given the word “Scientology”, I figured it would be swimming in it. Instead we discovered a worldwide scam set up as a religion to dupe people out of their lifesavings all the while leaving a mysterious trail of fraud, intimidation, and in some cases death.
Well let’s start off with the man who created Scientology in the first place. L. Ron Hubbard created the Church of Scientology in 1952.
Hubbard, a mediocore science fiction writer at best, claims that 75 million years ago our solar system was filled with many more planets than we have now and were becoming overpopulated. Xenu, the galactic dictator at the time, decided that the best form of population control was to gather up billions of the inhabitants of these planets, freeze them, and then bring them to Earth for prompt destruction.
Stay with me now…
Xenu then dumped these aliens around various volcanoes on the Earth, and then H-bombed the shit out of these volcanoes.
But wait, how did Xenu transport all those aliens? Apparently he flew them all to Earth in Spaceships that Hubbard described as looking nearly identical to DC-8 airplanes.
But the story doesn’t end there. After the alien bodies were destroyed, their spirits, named Thetans, were released. Xenu apparently knew this was going to happen. He captured the Thetans and forced them to watch brainwashing propaganda and released the Thetans back onto Earth where they eventually found primitive humans. The Thetans bonded with the humans and we eventually created various religions, institutions, etc. that are the product of Xenu’s propaganda. Oh and eventually Xenu was captured in a rebellion by the aliens of the other planets and confined to an electrical prison on a mountain top somewhere.
Sure most religions have crazy creation myths and fantastic stories that if you are a follower would have to take them on faith, but have you ever read Moses, Jesus, Buddha, or Muhammad quoted as saying this:
“You don’t get rich writing science fiction. If you want to get rich, you start a religion.” -L. Ron Hubbard
And rich he became, because you see in order to rid ourselves of those nasty Thetans you have to go through several auditing levels in the Church of Scientology. It’s all very complex and if your are curious I would suggest searching the net as I did. But the bottom line is this: each level of auditing requires you to pay more and more out of your pocket. By the time you reach the uppper levels of auditing members have to pay upwards of a $100,000 a session. Hubbard called this the process to becoming “clear”.
Now your first auditing session is free of charge of course, not unlike crack rock. So what brings people back for an expensive second auditing? I put my Team of Scientists to work on this and they returned with some amazing results. You see Scientology auditors use a device they call an E-Meter.
A small current of electricity flows through your body as you grip the two metal rods. A reading is then displayed of your unhappiness level. This determines whether or not the Scientologist wants you to take a second audit. A lot of people actually shell out the money for the second audit. Why is this? Well this is what we found:
“The actual amount of charge delivered to the body by many FDA approved medical devices is of the identical order of magnitude of the small current provided by the Scientology E-Meter.
Thus, I conclude that the E-meter directly provides a pain killing adjunct to the implied result of Scientology auditing technology’s release state.
This is also the source of the sag effect of a participant feeling great after auditing, yet having a sagging emotion tone some few days later – as his bodies endorphin levels go down past normal in a hang over effect, in which, like a heroin addict, he wants another dose, only it is a dose of auditing.”
You can now see how Scientology is clearly a scam to bilk people out of their money. This leads to my next theory. Scientology targets celebrities deliberately since they have more money then they know what to do with.
Many of you probably know of Scientology because of the celebrities who are members. Tom Cruise, Kirstie Alley, John Travolta, the list goes on and on. On a side note I have discovered something that may or may not be directly related to Scientology.
And of course like all religions, Scientology claims to want nothing more than to help those suffering from the hardships of the world we live in. We’ve heard that tired old song too many times. Upon L. Ron Hubbard’s death in 1986, David Miscavige has taken the leadership role in the Church of Scientology. He’s quoted as saying:
“If you want to know what our ultimate goal would be, of course it would be utter peace.” -David Miscavige
Sounds like a humble man. Oh! I almost forgot, here’s a picture of Miscavige.
I’ve thought about waging an all out war against the Church of Scientology for their obvious fraud, deceptions, and misusing of the word science, but it appears I’ve already been beaten to it. For the last few years a group calling themselves “Anonymous” have been posting videos on youtube and protesting outside Scientology facilities and buildings. If I knew who any of them where, I’d gladly shake their hands.
So what has gotten Anonymous so upset with Scientology? I mean if a bunch of weak minded celebrities, and people looking for a crutch are willing to dish out their money then what does it bother them? Well this is where we get into the truly dirty side of Scientology. Members of the Church are expected to follow strict rules. One of those rules is to not take any medications not approved by the Church, and also Psychiatrists are apparently the ultimate evil. Here’s the tragic story of one Lisa McPherson:
On December 5, 1995, Lisa McPherson was dead on arrival at a hospital 45 minutes north of Clearwater Florida. According to the coroner’s report, Lisa was underweight, severely dehydrated, and had bruises and bug bites.
On November 18, 1995, Lisa was involved in a minor car accident. She was apparently not hurt, but she got out of her car and took all her clothes off and seemed mentally unstable. She was taken to a hospital where she was physically evaluated as being unharmed, but the hospital wanted her to be psychologically cared for. However, some Scientologists arrived and stated that Lisa did not believe in psychiatry, and she checked out after a short evaluation and left with the Scientologists. She went with them to Room 174 of the Ft. Harrison Hotel for “rest and relaxation” according to the church, but church logs from Lisa’s stay there from November 18 to her death December 5 show differently.
Lisa McPherson’s suspicious death is not the only one the Church of Scientology has been accused of causing. If you want to learn more on this then click the following link:
The Unfunny Truth of Scientology *Warning! Graphic images!*
If L. Ron Hubbard were alive today, I wonder what he would say about where Scientology has taken themselves? Actually I think that bastard would approve of it all.
“I’m drinking lots of rum and popping pinks and greys.” Actual quote from Hubbard in a letter to his third wife.
Charles Manson had over 100 hours of auditing sessions before he went on his own murderous rampage.
John Gagnon AKA Johnny Red
Coral Castle was built in the early 20th century by an eccentric Latvian recluse named Edward Leedskalnin who allegedly left Latvia when he was rejected by his 16 year old fiance. He would never marry and would spend 30 years of his life building a Coral Castle and its surrounding buildings, for his alleged ‘Sweet Sixteen’
I know what you’re thinking? Big deal. This is just another story of unrequited love and how when some people suffer this heartache they build a giant fucking monument out of limestone. Sure I’ll give you that, but what makes this story different is HOW this monument to ‘never getting over it’ came to be. It’s because nobody knows how this man, a mere 5 foot tall, 100lbs, using primitive tools created this:
Normally my Team of Scientists and I wouldn’t bat an eye at something like this. However upon researching the Coral Castle more and more we stumbled upon some truly unexplainable things.
Leaving for America, he came down with terminal tuberculosis. He allegedly spontaneously healed, stating that magnets had some effect on his healing.
Ok, magnets. Not quite enough evidence to support his claim. I was still not convinced this Castle was anything special.
Somehow he allegedly managed to single-handedly lift and maneuver blocks of megalithic stones, mostly coral, weighing up to 30 tons each, to create not only a castle but other things.
White man, grey hair, likes magnets, initials E.L.?
In another quest to verify the existance of Super Heroes/Villains I have brought my Team of Scientists with me to Homestead, Florida where the Coral Castle is a famous tourist site. Grabbing a pamphlet at the Coral Castle gift shop, my Team of Scientists and I headed to the Castle Gate.
The pamphlet makes some very dubious claims, such as:
Edward spent over 28 years building the Coral Castle, refusing to allow anyone to view him while he worked. A few teenagers claimed to have witnessed his work, reported that he had caused the blocks of coral to move like hydrogen balloons. The only tool that Leedskalnin spoke of using was a “perpetual motion holder.”
Scientists! Team huddle now! Ok, if there is such a thing as a “perpetual motion holder” then we must unlock it’s secrets. It will be ours. We will use this lost technology to our own ends. We will…damnit why isn’t the tourist line moving?!
After an aggravating 20 minute wait, due to Mr. and Mrs. Johnson from Fargo, ND, who felt their toy poodle deserved to view this achievement of engineering, finally agreed to put the yapping bastard back in their car, we finally reached the front gate.
According to the pamphlet:
Entrance to Coral Castle is made through a gate fashioned from a single coral block weighing nine tons. The enormous block balances so perfectly on its center of gravity that a visitor can easily push it open with one finger. People who are sensitive to electromagnetic energies fields will sometimes report headaches while standing inside the archway of the nine-ton swinging gate – door – thought to be over a vortex – and a major grid point of the planet.
Hmm? Hey, Scientist #3! You’re very sensitive to elecromagnetic energy. Go stand in the archway and let me know how you feel.
After the authorities left we were able to continue our tour of Coral Castle. The monuments were breathtaking. A 5,000 lb heart shaped table, 22-ton obelisk stretches 40 feet toward the sky, a 30 ton telescope, towering twenty five feet, just a few of the things this eccentric old man created using magnetism.
A brief explanation of magnetism:
There are also six different types of magnetism. Ferromagnetism, ferrimagnetism, antiferromagnetism, paramagnetism, diamagnetism and…
Ok, science class is over, we must find his secret to moving and sculpting large objects. I want that perpetual motion holder! Scientists #1 and #2 search the North quadrant! Scientists #4 and #5 search the South! And NO Mrs. Johnson I don’t want to see pictures of your grandkids!
The search didn’t take long. Inside a small coral housing unit we found what we believe to be the perpetual motion holder.
I quickly had my Team of Scientists examine the device. They explained it looked like it was in perfect working condition. In fact all they had to do was turn the device on. Before I could respond…they did.
The large coral limestones became nearly weightless. The perpetual motion holder was able to somehow tap into the Earth’s electromagnetic forces and suspend gravity itself! But we were unprepared for the consequences of turning the device on. Clearly using the machine required much practice. And then there were the tourists…
Things were getting out of hand and we needed to get out of here quickly. I ordered my Team of Scientists to carry the perpetual motion holder to the car so we could make our daring escape.
The authorities, probably not happy with making a second trip out to the Coral Castle in one day, were on their way. I had to think fast. We needed another form of transport and we needed it now!
We probably should have felt quilty for stealing Mr. and Mrs. Johnson’s car, but upon further reflection it was done in the name of Science. Also, that damn dog bit me.
With the perpetual motion holder now in our hands, my Team of Scientists thought it would be appropriate to use the device to build a monument to Scientist #3. I was actually touched by this request. Edward Leedskalnin had originally used the device to build a monument to his long lost love, and I felt it was fitting to use the device in a similar way. Team of Scientists, I leave the perpetual motion holder to you. Honor your fallen brother and make me proud.