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Johnny Red’s Road Trip With a Depressed Transformer
Before we set out on my Road Trip with a Depressed Transformer, I have to say one thing. Michael Bay is a hack. His Transformer movies were abominations of what made growing up with the Transformers toys and watching the cartoons so great. He’s consiously made an effort to piss on our childhoods. Michael Bay is a horrible filmmaker, except I thought The Rock was pretty good. But that’s where it ended. For fuck’s sake he introduced “Black Guy” Transformers that literally said, “We don’t do much reading.”
The film idustry should put a restraining order on him. Here’s a clip of how Michael Bay makes movies.
So if Michael “Now I can pay for hookers” Bay can violate our beloved robots that transform into other things, then so can I!
I give you!
MILE ZERO:
Friday morning began as a peaceful, hopeful day. I was on the bottom steps of my apartment waiting for a Fed Ex delivery. I managed to score a copy of “Zombie Love Triangle” off of ebay for the low, low price of $350. Some might consider that a lot of money, but I don’t think you can put a price on viewing a threesome consisting of Jessica Biel, Scarlet Johansson, and a Zombified James Dean. It won lots of awards….in Europe.
When suddenly!!
*Whhhhoooooor! Whhhhoooooor!* (that’s an ambulance siren effect in case you were wondering)
“Hmmm? Must have been an accident somewhere.”
The ambulance is racing through traffic. Ironically it seems to be showing no regards to other’s safety. At one point it has driven onto the sidewalk, causing multiple elderly to jump into alleyways and into the doorways of local shops. See, I knew they only pretended to be slow. To my surprise the ambulance has stopped in front of my apartment.
*REE-RAWT-ROW-RA-ROOT*(that’s the sound effect of a transformer, well, transforming)
The Transformer known as Ratchet!
“ARE YOU THE HUMAN CALLED JOHNNY RED?!”
“You know who I am Ratchet.”
“THERE’S NO TIME!!”
*REE-RAWT-ROW-RA-ROOT*
“QUICKLY! GET INSIDE OF ME!”
“Um….no.”
“IT’S AN EMERGENCY AND THE AUTOBOTS NEED YOUR HELP!”
“AND I need to catch the Fed Ex guy. He’s been here three times this week and I wasn’t here. If I don’t pick up my package it will get sent back. Trust me. I NEED this for the weekend.”
“AND I SAY HUMANITY NEEDS YOU!!”
“God damnit!! Alright!”
The Autobots couldn't have sent Jazz to pick me up? At least he's a porsche.
MILE ONE:
“So what’s the problem?”
“MEGATRON IS BACK AND IS PLANNING ON RELEASING A TECHNO VIRUS TO DESTROY THE HUMAN RACE!”
“Really?”
“UH…YEAH!”
“Because I’ve been home all day and haven’t seen any of this on the news.”
“TRUST ME!”
“I don’t trust you. Why did you pick me up?”
“IT’S…UM…COMPLICATED.”
“Ratchet I’m not even joking. Why the fuck did you pick me up?”
“ARCEE LEFT ME AGAIN.”
Arcee: The first female Transformer. Yeah, she gets around.
“Oh you bastard! I can’t believe you did this to me again!”
“I JUST NEED SOMEONE TO TALK TO.”
“Now I know why they call you Ratchet.”
“WHY’S THAT?”
“Because you’re a fucking tool that’s why!”
“I’M SORRY. I’M A MESS…AND….I DON’T KNOW WHAT TO DO. IF A TRANSFORMER COULD CRY…I WOULD.”
“Alright, alright. Stop whining. What happened?”
“SHE LEFT ME FOR A NEW GUY. I CAN’T COMPETE.”
“Don’t be so hard on yourself. What does this guy have that you don’t?”
“I’M BRINGING UP HIS PROFILE ON MY DATA SCREEN.”
The Transformer known as Vibracon!
“Well….damn.”
“SHE SAID I WAS OLD NEWS, AND THAT I’M NOT DOING ANYTHING PRODUCTIVE WITH MY LIFE.”
“She has a point Ratchet. What have you done lately?”
“ARE YOU TAKING THE WHOREBOT’S SIDE?”
“No Ratchet I’m not. I mean just look at you. You have no style.”
“EXPLAIN.”
“Well first of all you transform into an ambulance that would have been decommissioned in the late 80’s.”
“I’M OLD FASHIONED.”
“I respect that about you, but look at Optimus Prime. He’s moved on with his life.”
"WHEN NOT STICKING MY ROBOT FOOT UP DECEPTICON ASS, I SPEND MY TIME ROCKING OUT TO MY FAVORITE TUNES WITH MY APPLE iPOD."
“HE’S A SELL OUT!”
“Possibly, but look at where it has taken him. There’s no real Decepticon threat anymore Ratchet. You have to find a new purpose while here on Earth.”
“NOT ONLY IS HE A SELL OUT, BUT HIS PRESIDENTIAL BID IS BEYOND RIDICULOUS.”
“Are you even listening to me?”
“BEING LEADER OF THE AUTOBOTS WASN’T ENOUGH? HE’S ALSO LEADER OF CYBERTRON. NOW HE WANTS TO BE PRESIDENT OF THE HUMANS AS WELL.”
“YOU HUMANS CAN’T CHANGE INTO ANYTHING!”
“Ratchet, stop deflecting.”
“YOU’RE RIGHT. I’M SORRY.”
“And stop apologizing all the time. Show some balls…er…ball bearings perhaps. I don’t know what you guys have down there.”
“WHAT AM I GONNA DO?”
“I’ll tell ya what. I know a bar not far from here.”
MILE TWENTY:
“AHHH. THIS IS JUST WHAT I NEEDED.”
“Feels good doesn’t it?”
“A BAR, GOOD DRINKS, AND A GOOD FRIEND. THIS IS ALL I REALLY NEED.”
“You don’t have any money on you do you?”
“WHAT WOULD I NEED WITH HUMAN MONEY?”
“It’s just that–”
“ANOTHER ROUND HUMAN BAR KEEP!”
“Um…fine I’ll pay.”
“I JUST HAVE ONE QUESTION.”
“What’s that Ratchet?”
“WHY IS THE BAR KEEP STARING A HOLE STRAIGHT THROUGH ME?”
“Maybe it’s because you tore the roof off of this place so you could get inside.”
“PAY THE TAB. WE SHOULD BE GOING.”
MILE FIFTY:
“PADIDDLE!”
“…”
“PADIDDLE!”
“Stop. I’m not playing.”
"PADIDDLE!"
“PADIDDLE! PADIDDLE!”
“I’m not joking.”
“PADIDDLE! PADIDDLE! PADIDDLE! YOU OWE ME SO MUCH ENERGON!”
“shut up. Shut Up. SHUT UP!!”
MILE EIGHTY:
“You don’t even have a tape deck in here.”
“YOU DON’T WANT TO TALK ANYMORE?”
“I don’t know what else we can talk about.”
“EXPLAIN.”
“You’re stubborn. You’re not gonna change. You want to hold on to this ideology that you are here to save humanity.”
“AND THAT’S A BAD THING?”
“No it’s not. It’s just an old thing.”
“IT’S NOT OLD. THERE ARE STILL HUMANS THAT NEED HELP. LIKE THIS ONE. I’M GONNA PICK UP THAT HITCHHIKER.”
“Don’t pick up that hitchhiker!”
Of course.
“WHAT IS YOUR DESTINATION HUMAN?”
“I’m on a mission to save the human race.”
“WHAT A COINCIDENCE! AS AM I!”
“Ratchet, he’s not on a mission to save the human race.”
“I’m from the planet Nerplex and I’ve been sent here by my Reptloid bretheren!”
“I FIND NO SUCH PLANET AS NERPLEX IN MY DATA BASE.”
“Pull over Ratchet.”
“JOHNNY RED YOUR VITAL SIGNS ARE GOING SPASTIC.”
“He has a hatchet.”
“No Nerplex? Has my home planet been destoyed?”
“IT’S POSSIBLE.”
“It’s not possible. Nerplex sounds like a prescription drug which he is probably off of.”
A view into the mind of our hitchhiker.
“You mock the Reptloid race!”
“Nooooo…it’s just that we aren’t equipped to…um…transport you back home.”
“Aaaaaaargh!! Die puny human!”
“WHAT IS HAPPENNING?”
“Fuck! Pull the vehicle over!”
“I AM THE VEHICLE.”
“The hatchet is in my elbow!! Pull OVER!”
SCREEEEEECH!!!
Ratchet screeches to a halt as I hurdle myself outside. I quickly slam the door shut leaving the homicidal lunatic trapped inside. Then I quickly pull the hatchet out of my elbow.
“Ooooow! Fucking hell! Ratchet lock the doors so he doesn’t escape!”
“OK!”
“We have to call the police so that they can deal–”
*REE-AHHH!-RAWT-CRUNCH!-ROW-RA-BLOODY GURGLING-ROOT*
“OOPS.”
“That was and will forever be the most horrific thing I have ever heard or seen.”
“SOOOO, SHALL WE CONTINUE?”
“Not until we get you cleaned up. Carry me to a car wash.”
MILE EIGHTY FIVE:
“I FEEL SO MUCH SHAME RIGHT NOW.”
“Quiet, you’re almost cleaned up.”
“YOU’RE RIGHT YOU KNOW. I’M OLD FASHIONED AND USELESS.”
“You’re not useless.”
“I’VE EVEN RUINED OUR FRIENDSHIP HAVEN’T I?”
“It’s not ruined Ratchet. I’m just a little pissed off because I hadn’t planned on spending my day pressure washing bits of crazy person out of you.”
“I’M A LOSER.”
Ratchet turns his robot face away and begins sulking.
“There, all done. I gotta go inside and make a quick call. Then we’ll head out.”
Five Minutes Later:
“Ok Ratchet, let’s roll out!”
“WHY SO CHIPPER?”
“No reason.”
MILE ONE HUNDRED:
“I’M JUST GONNA TAKE YOU HOME.”
“Why? Our road trip has just started.”
“YOU’RE JUST BEING NICE.”
“Ratchet I’ve been thinking and….boy that jet seems to be flying really low.”
“I’LL ANALYZE IT.”
“And?”
“DON’T PANIC JOHNNY RED! BUT THAT’S NOT JUST A JET!”
“Oh no Ratchet! What could it possibly be?”
*REE-RAWT-ROW-RA-ROOT*
Decepticon known as Dirge: Ok, well not too well known.
“TREMBLE HUMANS! I’M DIRGE AND…UM…I’M UP TO NO GOOD!”
“Ratchet! Save me!”
“DON’T WORRY JOHNNY RED! I’LL PROTECT YOU!”
Ratchet places me behind a building to keep me safe. He then proceeds to lay a pummeling on poor Dirge.
Ooooooooh Snap!!
“DIRGE! YOU’VE PICKED THE WRONG AUTOBOT ON THE WRONG DAY!”
I cringe as Ratchet robot piledrives Dirge into an abandoned Chuck E Cheese.
“PLEASE SHOW MERCY RATCHET! SPARE MY LIFE AND I’LL LEAVE!”
“LEAVE THEN! AND LET THE OTHER DECEPTICONS KNOW THAT THERE IS STILL ONE AUTOBOT THAT THEY HAVE TO FEAR!”
*REE-RAWT-ROW-RA-ROOT*
Dirge transforms and flies away leaving a smoke trail behind him.
“Ratchet! That was amazing! You saved me!”
“YOU’RE WELCOME JOHNNY RED! I FEEL ALIVE! LIKE I COULD TAKE ON THE WORLD!”
“That’s great! But can you start by taking me home?”
“OF COURSE. YOU’VE BEEN THROUGH A TRAUMATIC EVENT. YOU MUST GO HOME AND REST.”
TWO DAYS LATER AT JOHNNY RED’S APARTMENT:
*RING! RING!*
“Hello.”
“HEY JOHNNY RED. IT’S DIRGE.”
“Hey Dirge. Thanks a lot for the other day.”
“YEAH…ABOUT THAT. DO YOU HAVE MY ENERGON?”
“Yep. Just stop on by whenever you can.”
I always keep a supply of Energon on stand by.
“I LIKE ENERGON.”
“I know you do Dirge.”
“I MAY HAVE A PROBLEM…YOU KNOW…WITH ENERGON. IT’S NOT EASY HAVING A DILDO SHAPED HEAD.”
“Well we all have our addictions and reasons why we do.”
“UM…I WAS THINKING THAT WHEN I PICK IT UP THAT MAYBE WE CAN GO FOR A FLY AND TALK ABOUT IT?”
“God damnit.”
“WHAT WAS THAT?”
“Nothing Dirge, it was nothing.”
BONUS CONTENT
JOHN MICHAEL GAGNON…REE-RAWT-ROW-RA-ROOT…JOHNNY RED
Top 5 Corruptions of Things I Once Loved
Have you ever loved, or enjoyed something so much that it began to define who you are as a person? You felt a special bond with what you loved, so much so, that you believed this thing was yours and yours alone. No, I’m not going Emo on everyone’s ass. I don’t whine about the things I’ve lost, instead I experience what some people might describe as “blackout rage”. So here’s a list of things I’ve loved that have betrayed me with it’s foul corruption.
5. The “Transformers” Movie
Oh to be a kid growing up in the 80’s!! I don’t think there is a generation that can even compare to the awesome toys we had growing up. Masters of The Universe, G.I. Joe action figures, Thundercats, the list goes on and on. But every 80’s kid knows the greatest toys to ever grace a backyard, or sandbox were The Transformers! Robots toys that turn into other toys! Genius!! If I still had my Transformers I’m pretty sure I’d still be playing with them.
*Note: Mom I’ve been cruising ebay looking for old Transformers toys. Remember when you gave my Transformer collection to the neighbor’s kids? Well apparently you owe me a small fortune. My lawyers will be in touch.
So What Happened?
Michael Bay is what happened! I know a lot of you went to see this movie and loved it. And according to it’s Box Office haul, many of you saw it more than once. Hell, even I was pursuaded to buy a ticket for that Michael Bay directed abomination. There were many reasons I hated this movie, but one reason tops them all. Shia Labeouf and Megan Fox parading around supposedly “acting”? Was it the comedy relief of John Turturro as the bumbling Government Agent? Perhaps it was the convoluted, unrecognizable, action scenes where you couldn’t tell what was happenning? Yes, all valid reasons, but it mostly came down to Michael Bay redesigning the iconic Transformers themselves. I’ll give you a couple examples.
First there was my favorite Transformer as a kid, Jazz!
The color scheme, the decals, the visor/shades, all working together to make Jazz the "coolest" Transformer.
Michael Bay did this to Jazz:
Umm...well I guess it's a robot. Where does the "Jazz" part come in?
Oh, and do you remember the Mighty Megatron?! Giant cannon arm, sneering evil grin, and…oh I’ll just show you.
PURE Baaaadassssery! Complete with robotic cock trigger!
And now…
*sigh*
Not complete in destroying these beloved icons, Michael Bay is hard at work on a second Transformers movie due out this summer.
Douchebag currently raping my childhood.
RAGE FACTOR: SWEARING LIKE A SAILOR WITH TOURETTES
4. MTV
I remember how excited I was when we first got cable television and was finally able to watch MTV. The buzz surrounding MTV was everywhere. An edgy, rebellious, music video channel that spoke to the younger generations.
That's right kids, MTV used to play music.
I was a diehard MTV fan right up through High School. MTV is where I first got exposed to some of my favorite artists of all time. Public Enemy, The Beastie Boys, Rage Against the Machine, Alice in Chains, SoundGarden, the list goes on and on. Nothing put fear into the white middle-class like MTV. I felt like I was part of a rebellion.
So What Happened?
Viacom became owner and operator of MTV productions. And what was their first order of business you ask? They banned videos from Public Enemy, Rage Against the Machine, and Soundgarden, just to name a few. It seems they eventually put a ban to music altogether. Then our worst fears came back to haunt us.
Boybands: The trump card for crushing a rebellion
Not happy in castrating music as we knew it, Viacom turned it’s weapons on some of MTV’s most innovative programming. The first seasons of MTV’s “The Real World” were some of the most interesting television shows I’ve ever seen. Truly a recorded social experiment where people of many different backgrounds, ages, philosophies, came together to see how they would interact. MTV had actually created the first entertaining reality show. What made the first few seasons of “The Real World” a critical success? There was a rule that the roommates could not sleep with each other. While this rule was in effect we had cast members such as:
Kevin Powell: Poet, writer and educator.
Once the rule was lifted and roommates could have sex willy-nilly we got:
Trishelle Cannatella: Jizz Jar
RAGE FACTOR: ELDERLY ASSAULT
3. Hip Hop/Rap
This entry could have been included in my MTV entry, but I feel it merits it’s own spot on the list. When I was 15 years old I used to DJ at the UMFK radio station. I played nothing but old school hip hop and rap. Now when I say old school I’m referring to the years ’85-92. Public Enemy, Boogie Down Productions, EPMD, A Tribe Called Quest, I could go on and on. Do you want to know the best part? NOBODY knew them. I felt like I was introducing my community to a brand new musical experience. Then I started getting calls into the radio station. I was called everything from a race traitor, to a whigger. And on more than one occasion I recieved death threats. It was great! I was a rebel. You see Hip Hop/Rap use to be primarily creative, thought provoking, and a major buck to the system.
So What Happened?
This is what happened:
Dr. Dre and Snoop Dogg: Rap Music's Lowest Common Denominator
Gangster Rap had been developing a buzz right around the time I was enjoying the more creative and intellectual genres of the music. I didn’t like Gangster Rap, but I accepted it’s right to be it’s own genre. Now you also have to understand that selling out in Rap meant you were now an outcast and hated among the other artists. Do I have to remind you of the sad story of M.C. Hammer? But Doctor Dre seemed determined to break the mold. I suppose it’s hard to be critical of someone when they are threatening you with an AK 47. Oh, and for the record, Doctor Dre created his gangster background. Before he was “Gangsta”, he was part of the early rap group World Class Wrecking Crew.
Wow! That's some straight gangsta shit.
As Gangster Rap generated more and more popularity, it seemed to become the pre-dominant genre. In the process money was made, rivalries began, two hip hop legends were gunned down, and now white people seemed to appreciate the music. The rap groups I loved ended up going back to their roots, went underground, or were never heard from again. Rap music is now the most exposed and listened to form of music in our country, but for all the wrong reasons. I’ll leave this entry with, and I’ll argue this with anyone, the greatest Rapper of all time:
"We've gone from calling each other brothers and sisters, to niggers and bitches in a ten year period!" Chuck D. of Public Enemy aka The Hard Rhymer
RAGE FACTOR: TODAY I MIGHT EVEN HAVE TO USE MY AK
2. The Educational System
When I say the Educational System I’m not merely referring to grade school. Although grade school is where we are going to focus. Currently only 70% of high schoolers graduate on time. Pretty shocking huh? If it doesn’t shock you then maybe this will. 95% of South Korean high schoolers graduate on time. What’s happening in America?
So What Happened?
I’m positive there are many factors that have contributed to the steady decline in education in this country. I would actually have to write a seperate blog to cover most of them. But right now I’m going to concentrate on former President Bush’s legacy that is No Child Left Behind. This program was set up and modeled after Bush’s educational program used in Texas when he was Governer. He wanted a system set up to make education more “business-like”.
"Johnson! What's the square root of 144?"
Not only does this help confirm the theory that our educational system is tailored around industry, but also sets up unfair competetive rules, not unlike in a free market society. For example, did you know that schools now have standards tests and if a school doesn’t measure up to standards they are punished, NOT helped? So let me get this straight. If one school exceeds the standards they are rewarded with more funding, but if a school falls below standards they recieve less funding? That’s the equivalent of a Boxer getting pummeled for six rounds, then goes to his corner to ask his trainer for help, then gets punched in the face by the trainer, and told to go do better the next round.
No Child Left Behind: The Elephant in the metaphorical boxing ring no one is talking about. Yes, I can layer comedy.
I know this is a list of things I once loved, but to be honest I never loved going to school, I mean who does? But as I’ve gotten older I’ve come to realize that I loved the fact that I was able to get a fair education, as long as I was a willing participant. I believe critical thought is the most important thing you can attain. I also believe it can only be attained by having the opportunity to think outside the box, and encouraged to learn creatively rather than structured.
RAGE FACTOR: IS THE PEN TRULY MIGHTIER THAN THE SWORD? I OWN LOTS OF PENS, AND A SAMURAI SWORD. LET’S GO FIND OUT!
1. Comic Books
Do you know what that pic is above? It’s a standard, inked, pre-lettered, and pre-colored comic book page. Do you know why it’s special to me? Because it’s one of mine. Not, mine in that I bought it, but mine because an artist actually took the time to draw up a piece of comic book art based off one of my comic book scripts I used to write. In fact I’m sitting on hundreds of pages of comic book/graphic novel scripts. None of them have a home. None of them will probably ever be published. Do you know why? Because of this bullshit:
If I only knew then, what I know now. Actually it still wouldn't have made a difference.
Back in 2000 I used to write comic book scripts for a website and publication out of Australia called OzComics. They were one of the big up and coming websites, renowned for bringing comic book writers and artists together from around the world to an online hub of creative exchange. Back then I couldn’t write fast enough. I worked with artists from Australia, Canada, Japan, South America, several from the United States, and many other places. I was making a name for myself. OzComics was about to publish it’s first Anthology and my contribution, a sci-fi comic titled “China”, was to be honored with the cover art for the book.
Lead character Romero of "China". Sorry Romero, no action figure for you.
So What Happened?
The X-men comic book movie made mega cash at the Box Office. Soon thereafter Spider-Man hit it big. Greedy Hollywood executives soon learned that comic book movies raked it in. So, naturally every movie studio hit the comic book shops and contacted every publisher and independent comic book creator and bought the rights to their work. This unholy alliance between comic book publishers and Hollywood had one agenda: Publish comic books that are watered down and then sell the rights to movie studios to make dumbed down action packed movies.
Oh, the horrors they have unleashed!
The problem I had was that I wasn’t willing to budge. More and more publishers rejected my scripts, and actually had one publisher say to me, “This is a fantastic script! The only problem is people don’t want to think nowadays.” The reason he said this, to learn ya a bit of comic history, is that during the mid 80’s the comic book industry was all but bankrupt. Publishers were desperate and told their writers they had no restrictions on what they wrote. As a result we experienced an age of enlightenment in the comic book world. Writer’s such as Neil Gaiman, Warren Ellis, Frank Miller and Alan Moore took comics from an art based visual medium, to what I would call actual literature. Have you seen the movie V For Vendetta, or Watchmen? Both based on Alan Moore’s books, which he still refuses to have his name anyway associated with the movies.
Alan Moore: Graphic Novel writer and possible Warlock
This age of enlightenment lasted up until I started submitting my scripts. The only hope I have now is that eventually the industry will come full circle again and there may be a market for my stories.
"What's this? Concept art for a comic about the tragedy of lost love? No one wants to read that pussy shit! Oh wait, does she show her boobies?"
RAGE FACTOR: HULK SMASH PUNY PUBLISHERS!!!
MONSTER REBELLION 