Top 5 Origins of Halloween Traditions

It’s no secret that Halloween is my favorite time of year. Costumes, candy, parties, and all manner of responsibility and ethics thrown out the window. I love it. It’s also the one time of year that being considered insane is a good thing.

Seeing as Halloween is only a few days away, I figured this blog entry should shed light on some of the origins of our Halloween traditions.

*Warning* Johnny Red is in no way responsible for the damage done to your joyful perceptions of Halloween fun. 

 

5. Trick or Treating

Oh yes, to be young again. Wandering the neighborhood, breathing the crisp fall air, dressed up in our Halloween costumes for a night of fun and candy collecting. It was the best time of the year for being a kid. Trick or Treating hasn’t changed that much since it’s Celtic origin. I guess the only difference is trick or treating was originally called ”Souling”, and was originally a bit more…creepy.

During souling children would dress up in costumes, go door to door, beg for soul cakes, and when received would pray for the household’s dead relatives. I guess that could be fun?

In old Ireland children didn't show up to your door dressed like Power Rangers. They most likely looked like this. Then they would stand outside your door and pray for your dead Auntie. *shiver*

Now the actual term “trick or treat” didn’t surface until the 1920’s.

The earliest known use in print of the term “trick or treat” appears in 1927, from Blackie, Alberta, Canada: Hallowe’en provided an opportunity for real strenuous fun. No real damage was done except to the temper of some who had to hunt for wagon wheels, gates, wagons, barrels, etc., much of which decorated the front street. The youthful tormentors were at back door and front demanding edible plunder by the word “trick or treat” to which the inmates gladly responded and sent the robbers away rejoicing.

 

"Trick or Treat Mother Fuckers!!" Back in the day if you didn't cough up the candy then the "trick" was very real. Well I exaggerate.

We fast forward nearly a hundred years and trick or treating is now a national tradition. Capitalism has cashed in on it as well. Candy sales are the second highest during Halloween, second only to Christmas. Costumes are massed produced and sold in nearly every store. It’s become a cash cow for many corporations, and now the tables have been turned on the children who once upon a time took control of their neighborhoods and forced the adults to do their bidding.

Capitalism has also brought it’s own horrors to trick or treaters everywhere.

 

4. Haunted Houses, Apple Bobbing, Parties

Halloween is a great time to dress up, throw parties, purposefully scare the hell out of each other, and other things we wouldn’t do any other time of the year. But we do this as adults now. Wait a minute, wasn’t the tradition of Halloween centered around children? Are we, as adults, being selfish in turning Halloween into a more adult oriented holiday?

No we’re not because Halloween was originally a festival that adults took part in more than children. Yes, souling, or trick or treating is a children’s tradition, but that was only part of Halloween.

The first celebrations included “play parties,” public events held to celebrate the harvest, where neighbors would share stories of the dead, tell each other’s fortunes, dance, and sing. Colonial Halloween festivities also featured the telling of ghost stories and mischief-making of all kinds.

 

Adults: "We're taking back Halloween and restoring it's respect."

The  party game of apple bobbing was also done by adults as well. The origin of apple bobbing came from when single adults would gather around a bucket or tub of floating apples and try to be the first to grab an apple with their teeth. The belief was whoever managed to grab the first apple would be the next one to be married.

I win! Bahh! Marriage tastes like death!

Apple bobbing has lost it’s popularity in recent years as the idea of sticking your face into a tub of snot and spit filled water isn’t very appealing.

Many people also believed that during Halloween the veil to the next world was briefly lifted. People felt that during this time you might be able to glimpse the future. Women would use mirrors and ask that the image of their future spouse to appear in it.

Awww! Fuck Halloween, and fuck my life!!

Haunted houses and haunted hay rides have also risen in popularity and become traditions during Halloween. Haunted houses probably go far back as when people first believed that the departed spirits of the dead could return to familar grounds. Nowadays it’s probably explained through carbon monoxide leaks.

Nevertheless simulating a haunted house to scare the bejezus out of each other has caught on. In fact they are very profitable. Over twelve million people a year visit simulated haunted houses.

Haunted Houses: It's a shit your pants good time!

Now you would think that uptight religious folks would be outraged over our traditional Halloween practices. Well apparently they are. In fact one church wasn’t content in just preaching about the evils of the Halloween holiday, no they took it one step further and created their own haunted house.

A growing Halloween tradition among Evangelical Christians is to provide a type of horror tableau which promotes public awareness of conservative Christian concerns. In Arvida, CO, the Abundant Life Christian Center built a haunted house for Halloween 1997. It includes simulations of:

	a bloody abortion in progress,
	a ritual human sacrifice by a Satanic cult,
	a teen committing suicide,
	the funeral of a homosexual AIDS victim, and
	a live action scene of a date rape

A simulated date rape?! I'm telling you no haunted house can compare to the horrors you will face when entering this building.

 

3. The Jack ‘O Lantern

Pumpkin carving is standard Halloween tradition. But it wasn’t always so. In fact it wasn’t until modern times that pumpkins themselves were even used for carving. Yet again the tradition of carving vegatables goes back to old Ireland. But back then they didn’t use pumpkins. No, no, those would be too easy to carve out. They used turnips instead.

Every try even cutting a turnip? How about carving one out? A testament to Irish patience.

The tradition comes from the legend of Stingy Jack. The folktale says that a man named Jack who was the greediest man alive wouldn’t even go to hell with the devil when his number was up. Instead he tricked the devil to climb a tree, and while up there he carved a cross into the tree and the devil couldn’t get down.

The devil. What a putz!

The devil was so angry with Jack that he denied him entrance to hell. And since Jack wasn’t allowed in heaven either, he wanders the world with nothing but a carved out turnip lantern to keep him company.

Say what you will, but I think this is still better than going to hell.

Nowadays carving pumpkins has become almost an art form during Halloween. Every year we see more and more creative designs from the traditional Jack ‘O Lantern. For example:

The traditional witch design.

A video game player with time and skill on his hands.

The Predator in pumpkin form. Probably my favorite.

Let’s see…we also have this.

Good god!! Come on America, are you serious?! I think I'm gonna be sick!

Blaaaargh!!

 

 

2. Costumes

Ohhh my favorite part of Halloween. An excuse to dress up in horrifying costumes for a night of make believe. Well I suppose you could do that any night of the year, but Halloween is the only night you won’t gain an unwelcome reputation in doing so. Dressing in costumes has become a children’s tradition and sadly the horror elements seem to have faded.

Awwww cute!

Adorable!

The least threatening Pirate ever.

Awww isn't that cute--WTF??? Somebody call family services and remove that child from his home.

Originally Halloween costumes were suppose to imitate the dead, supernatural beings, and demonic creatures. Only dressing in a costume would keep you safe from the otherworldly hordes crossing the veil into our world looking to possess, and/or drag us back to the other side.

So traditional Celtic costumes looked more like this:

Imagine dozens of children roaming the streets wearing those things over their heads.

Yes, most of the fright is missing from costumes nowadays. But one costume has reigned supreme for decades and is still the number one selling costume of all time. The Witch!

So seeing as the Witch is the best selling Halloween costume I decided to do a little research on the origin of the Witch. And after doing that research I decided some things should just not be discovered. Hold on to your hats folks because here is the origin of the Witch and her broomstick.

They were old mad women who put hallucinogenic  oils on the end of their broomsticks and put them in their vaginas.

I’M SORRY! I’M SO SORRY!

"I'm sooooo tripping balls right now!"

Yes, according to the research that’s where the origin of the Witch and her broomstick comes from. In fact this was known as far back as 1470.

“But the vulgar believe, and the witches confess, that on certain days or nights they anoint a staff and ride on it to the appointed place or anoint themselves under the arms and in other hairy places.”

Well all I can say is thank God those days are over. Or are they??

I don't even have the words.

  1. Halloween Itself

Halloween itself originated in Old Ireland and was called Samhain. Much of what went on during the celebration of Samhain has already been covered in the previous entries. But there is one thing I want to make clear to everyone. They BELIEVED in all this stuff. We celebrate Halloween because we know it’s a fun and lighthearted time. But none of us today actually believe we have to dress up in costumes to ward off evil spirits. Well I’m guessing the majority of us do not believe that.

But imagine being a child in Old Ireland. You’re fast asleep, dreaming of…I don’t know…Old Ireland things, when all of a sudden your parents burst in your room!

"Quickly son! Cut some holes in this sack and put it over your head!"

You ask your parents why you have to do such a thing?  They reply, “Because demons, spirits, and our dead ancestors are coming through the veil…tonight!!”

“Jesus Christ on a stick father!! What are we going to do?!”

“Don’t worry son, if we imitate the monsters and our dead decaying relatives they may leave us alone! They may!”

“I’m scared father!”

“I’m scared too son! Now get your sister and go door to door and beg for cakes or bread to satisfy the dead! Also pray outside each house for the homeowners dead relatives as well!”

“What are you going to do father?!”

"The other adults and I are going to build a giant bonfire in town to attract the otherworldly hordes!"

“Father this sounds crazy!”

“Shut up son! Oh I almost forgot! The evil ones won’t be attracted to the bonfire if there is any other lit fire in town! Now put out that fire in the fireplace!”

“Father it’s fucking Autumn! It’s going to be freezing in here!”

“Son, trust the grown ups! We know what we are doing! Now where is that cow?”

“What in the hell are you talking about?!”

“We have to slaughter livestock and throw the bones in the bonfire! Clearly it’s what we have to do!”

"Run Bessie! Run!!"

“Alright forget the livestock! We’ll build another bonfire next to the first one and then each of us will walk between them to cleanse ourselves!”

“Father I am NOT walking through FIRE!”

“Son, it’s the only way!”

"See! It's working!"

“What do you mean it’s working? Those people are dead now Father!”

“Exactly! If they were evil spirits then the fire wouldn’t have harmed them!”

“I can’t even put into words how fucking retarded this is! Where did you hear all of this Father?! Who told you we had to do these things?!”

“Well the old woman in the hills did.”

“The one with the cauldron?”

“Yes!”

“The same one who cackles all night and walks around with that smelly broomstick?”

“Yes, the very one!”

…

“Fuck you guys, I’m going back to bed.”

And that my friends is the story of Halloween!

*Warning* Believing and repeating anything Johnny Red tells you can cause serious damage to your reputation. Johnny Red exaggerates and twists the truth for his own self-amusement.

 

Bonus Content

Don’t forget everyone who lives in the Northern Maine area that Johnny Red will be throwing his annual Halloween Costume Party this Saturday night! Party starts at 7 p.m. and Costumes are mandatory. If you show up without a costume then my hired muscle will gladly tune you up at the entrance, toss your broken body inside, and claim you came dressed as mugging victims.

Oh and since I promised Max and Dominic strippers, then here you go!

Zombie Strippers: Jerk off to that you lucky so and so's.

John Michael Gagnon…boo!…Johnny Red

Top 5 Ways to Make My Job Managing a Produce Department Easier

As many of you already know, I recently took a management position in the produce department of my local grocery store. Yep, goodbye are the days of being a mild mannered night manager. I have to admit I went head on into this new, well not really new since I used to manage a produce department, venture with confidence and a new zest for life.

That lasted about a week.

So here’s the third blog entry detailing the sufferings one goes through when working in a grocery store.

 

 

5. Why am I Awake and at Work Before the God Damn Sun is Up?!

 

So here’s how my typical day managing the produce department starts. First I am awakened by my alarm clock. My alarm clock has a very unique sound to it. I’ve spent many years trying to pin point exactly what it is and I think I’ve finally figured it out.

It sounds just like the Angelic shriek of a fallen Angel cast out of Heaven as it decends towards the Earth to conquer the worm. And if not exactly like that sound then it comes pretty damn close.

 

Pictured: My Alarm Clock

 

And do you want to know the worst part about it? I usually set my alarm clock to go off about an hour before I have to get up just so I can go back to bed for another hour. But that extra hour of sleep is restless because I know…I know it’s about to shriek it’s unholy cries again. And here’s another quirk about my alarm clock. If I’m lucky enough to wake up a minute or two before the alarm clock goes off and I manage to switch it off…IT STILL GOES OFF!!  And the only way to stop it is to actually hit it. I have to punch my alarm clock quiet almost every morning.

I suppose my mornings wouldn’t be too bad if it wasn’t for the fact that I’m an insomniac. Always have been, and always will be. Combine insomnia with having to get up and be at work for 5am and it’s a recipe for delirious fun. Half the time I’m lucky if I can even dress myself properly. There are many theories on why people have insomnia. I’m still not exactly sure why I have it.

 

That's certainly a possibility.

 

Scientists recently discovered that insomnia might be a genetic mutation. They claim that some people only need about four to six hours of sleep a night. Do you know what that makes me? The LAMEST X-man of all!

 

"Bwhahaha! You can't stop me, X-man! What are you going to do?!", "I'm gonna go take a four hour nap and hope this whole thing just blows over."

 

I guess when it comes down to it I still don’t understand why I have to be at work at 5am. I understand that I’m working with fruits and vegetables, but I’m not an actual fucking farmer. Let them get up early since they love it so much!

 

4. Please Understand that Certain Items are Only Available by Season

 

The following is an actual conversation I had with a random douchebag.

Random Douchebag: “Excuse me, but where are you cortland apples?”

Johnny Red: “I’m sorry sir but they are not in season yet.”

Random Douchebag: “No! They are in season! I know this for a fact!”

Johnny Red: “Well sir according to our supplier they are not.”

Random Douchebag: “I want cortalnd apples!”

Johnny Red: “Ooooooh! Well let me just go out back and harvest some from our God Damn apple orchard! Hey everyone! Have you seen my bushel basket?! Where’s my fucking bushel basket?!”

 

Ok the conversation didn’t go exactly like that, but you catch my drift.

 

 

Apple orchard, NOT the back of our grocery store.

 

 

Granted cortland apples may have just come into season, it doesn’t mean that they have been harvested, packaged, sent to our warehouse downstate, and then shipped to our store. We don’t have a teleporter device, let alone time manipulation technology at your family friendly grocery store.

 

Cortland apples you say? I'll just fire up the old produce portal.

 

Here are a few items that my produce department carries only briefly once a year. Cranberries in the fall, cherries in mid-summer, chef potatoes in the fall, fiddleheads in the spring, and my patience for a short time during the holidays.

 This entry also reminded me of how an elderly lady recently managed to hit both ends of the ignorant spectrum. She demanded that we get both cherries AND cranberries for her. It was fucking August! Cherries are early to mid summer, and cranberries are only available in the fall.

 

I said cherries AND cranberries!

 

 

3. I Didn’t Go to Produce College

 

 When you go to the hospital you understand that the doctor treating you has spent many years being educated in their field. When you hire a lawyer you know that they too have spent many years researching and studying their profession. When you go into a grocery store and stroll through the produce department DO NOT expect me to have a understanding on everything that grows on a fucking tree, or in the ground. The difference between myself and the doctor and lawyer I mentioned is that I didn’t have to take an exam to get hired.

Here’s an example. Star fruit. I don’t know how many times I’ve been asked how to cut, prepare and eat a star fruit.

 

"So exactly how are you supposed to eat this?", "I don't know, with your fucking mouth?"

 

When I look at a star fruit all I want to tell the customer is that from my vast knowledge of Super Mario Bros. games, I know that if you eat one you will become temporarily invincible. Now eat one and run into oncoming traffic.

You see every now and again people will get a wild hair up their ass and want to do or try something new. But rather than go skydiving, take up painting, or spin around a brass pole a few times, they wander into my produce department and decide eating exotic fruit is their answer.  Of course they come into the produce department with absolutely no knowledge of what to do with the items they are buying. Instead they expect me to have all the answers.

 

"Actually, I know exactly what you can do with this."

 

So time and time again I’m put in a position where I have to cater to the customer’s demands. I end up ordering all kinds of exotic fruits and vegetables to satisfy the wanton lusts of white middle-class curiosity. We order kumquats, rambutans, dragon fruits, and mangosteens. I supply passion fruit, jack fruit, ugli fruit, and lychee. Pomegranates, pomelos, cactus pears, and acai.

And that folks is an excerpt from my upcoming Dr. Suess book.

 

For children and adults of all ages.

 

BUT, every now and again I have to deal with a customer that is on the complete opposite side of this scenario. They can’t seem to grasp the concept of basic fruits or vegetables. Once a lady came into the store asking for frozen diced carrots because she wanted to make a chicken pot pie. Simple right? Wrong! We didn’t carry frozen diced carrots. But I’ll tell you what we did carry. EVERY OTHER TYPE OF CARROT KNOWN TO MAN! I showed her our frozen chopped carrots and baby carrots. Nope didn’t want them. I showed her our fresh carrots. Whole carrots, shredded carrots, diced carrots, baby carrots etc. Do you know what this women told me?

“Well I guess I can’t make my chicken pot pie.”

Do you know what’s great about a carrot? You can do whatever the fuck you want with it. You can actually DICE them too!

 

WARNING: When I said you can do whatever you want with a carrot, I was referring to food. Please do not play hide the carrot. It may result in harm to your physical health and your reputation.

 

2. I Don’t Want to be Associated With the Soy and Tofu Section

 

I just want to go on record as saying that although the soy, tofu, and veggie meat(?) section is in my produce department, I don’t want anything to do with it. I wash my hands of that abomination of a department. I don’t understand hippy, earthy people food. Frankly, it scares the living shit out of me. For example.

 

 

I don’t know what tofu is. All I know is that it’s a grey block of pliable material…and people eat it. It’s colorless, flavorless, and souless. The same goes for all those soy products. I know soy comes from soy nuts right? Then how the fuck do you make soy milk, let alone soy bathroom cleaner? It’s against God and Science.

Here’s another product we carry in our abomination section. It’s called Polenta. It comes vaccum sealed in a tube of terror.

 

I'm not lying. The label actually says you can serve it baked, fried, or as mush. Mush???

 

One last thing on this entry, as I want to move on as quickly as possible, but what gives the soy and tofu industry the right to copy our meat products? Hey hippies, you don’t want to eat meat that’s fine, but stop trying to make your piles of mush look and taste like meat. You made a choice in your lives and you should stick with it. Why would you want your food to emulate the very thing you are so against? I think Denis Leary said it best when he said, “Meat tastes like murder, and murder tastes pretty fucking good!” Is that what you really want trust fund hippies?

Oh and let’s not forget the most horrifying creation they have come up with yet. The Tofurky!!!

 

Go ahead and serve that plate to your World War II vet Grandfather during Thanksgiving. I laugh as he kicks your ass on your front lawn in front of your neighbors.

 

 

1. I Shouldn’t Have to Risk My Well Being and Life Itself Everyday

 

Didn’t expect this to top my top 5 did you? I mean how much danger could I possibly be in while managing and working in the produce department of a grocery store? Well I’ll start off small and then work my way up.

Do you know what an artichoke is?

 

Why would you put this in your mouth?

 

Artichoke leaves are sharp as fuck. Have you ever stuck your hand into a box of fresh artichokes? I bet you haven’t. Well I have and have the pin point scars to prove it. At least once a week I find myself swearing at a box of artichokes as each one I pull out of that box tears a bit more of my hand flesh away.

Handling artichokes is the equivalent of giving a cactus a hand job.

 

Touch it. You know you want to.

 

 

 Alright a few small jabs at my hands aren’t too bad. Well how about almost cutting my fingers off? Several times. When you walk by those nicely wrapped and packaged cut and sliced fruit in our produce section do you ever wonder who cuts that fruit up?  I do. Well most of the cut fruit. We do recieve some pre-cut fresh fruit, but the watermelons, honeydew, and cantaloupes are all cut fresh in our department. Do you have any idea how slick the skin of a honeydew is? Well just ask the fingers on my left hand.

 

Nerve impulses you fail me!

 

Still no sympathy huh? Well I’ll turn it up a notch.

Everyone loves bananas right? They have to be the most popular fruit on the planet. Do you know where all our bananas come from? If you said South America then give yourself a pat on the back, or a shot of hard alcohol, I don’t know what you do at home alone. 

 

Bananas. Yum a dum dum.

 

Hey do you know what else comes from South America? Giant God Damn tarantulas!

 

I don't think they have as much potassium as bananas.

 

That’s right folks! Every now and again a tarantula decides that a box of bananas is a great place to live. Although it is rare sometimes these furry devil creatures will hop a ride all the way to America stored away in our produce freight. Personally I haven’t seen one yet, but a co-worker of mine did find one in a box of bananas a few years back. Luckily for her the tarantula was dead. Or maybe it was lucky for the tarantula because she can be crabby in the morning.

I did find a small spider in the bananas once. I captured it in a plastic container. It then proceeded to spit a clear liquid, which I’m assuming was a venom, onto the inside of that plastic container. I threw it in the dumpster and went home to quietly cry myself to sleep.

WARNING: If you continue to read this blog entry you may never choose to step foot in the produce department again. This is a warning and I am not to be held responsible for what you are about to see and read. 

  

Mmmmm grapes!

 

Grapes are probably one of my favorite fruits. They are a good snack, good for you, and come in many tasty varieties. And they are also used to make wine for when you want to get shitfaced.

In fact grapes are probably the complete opposite of one of the things I don’t like so much. And that is to die a horrible painful death. Oh! Did you think the gut wrenching horror stopped with tarantulas?

 

Black Widow Spider: The Lizzie Borden of the spider community

 

At least twice a year we get a e-mail or fax from corporate warning that black widow spiders were found in the grape shipments. Really? Am I paid enough to risk my life for this job? I guess in this economy I am.

Here are some interesting tid bits from the corporate e-mail. They say that if we do see a black widow spider to immediately try and kill it. They don’t say to throw the bag of grapes to the ground and run away screaming like a school girl, which is what I would most likely do. No, they say to douse it with vinegar to kill it. What?? Apparently black widow spiders can only be killed this way. If you try to simply step on them their spider strength will throw you off balance and then they will feast on your life energies.

 

 

"I have you now puny human!"

 

  

Probably my favorite part of the black widow warning is that we are told to make sure we inspect every bag of grapes we put out. Yeah, I have to actually look for those horrible little fuckers. Also we are told if we are bit that another co-worker should try to search for said black widow spider because the medical professionals trying to keep your ass from an early grave could use it. 

I know the people I work with. And I think I know the result if I ever get bit by a black widow spider while at work.

 

 

 

Bonus Content

There’s a lot of down time in my job.

 

Hey hippies!! Look what I made out of MY food!

 

John Michael Gagnon…aka…Johnny Red

How the show “Fringe” led me down a Youtube rabbit hole, with hilarious results.

As some of you may already know from my facebook updates, I’ve become a fan of the show “Fringe.” And why wouldn’t I? It covers all types of subject matter that interests me. Teleportation, Psychokinesis, possible Alien Technology, and in one episode a woman’s head exploded form the inside out. Yeah, I like the show.

 

 

It's no Doctor Who, but give it a chance anyway.

 

I just finished watching the third DVD disc from season one, so I’m about halfway through the first season. Knowing that I’d have a couple of days to wait until the next disc arrives through NetFlix, I decided to do some research on the subject matter covered on the show.  And here’s where things get frightening and hilarious.

 

I should have known what I was getting myself into.

 

So I began my search of Youtube with short videos of The Philadelphia Experiment. For those of you who don’t know, The Philadelphia Experiment was a military experiment where they attempted to cloak the naval destroyer the USS Eldridge and make it invisible to radar. Supposedly they not only succeeded in turning it invisible, but made it dissappear all together. Interesting stuff.

At this point I made the mistake of clicking on a related video that is listed on the right hand side of the Youtube page.  It was a video about the suspected continuation of the Philadelphia Experiment in the Montauk Project in New York. Still interesting I thought. So I continued to click related videos. I had the day off, I live in Fort Kent, and I don’t have a girlfriend. I have the time.

Eventually I found myself tumbling down a rabbit hole of insane theories and video productions of some of the most dedicated fruitcakes the world has ever seen.

 

 

Pictured: Johnny Red going down the rabbit hole. Hey, it's my day off I'll wear what I want.

 

 

And what do you ask was at the bottom of this rabbit hole? A video posted by someone claiming to be a dying NASA scientist. He claims that there are alien creatures that live inside our brains. I believe he called them the “Neth”. And these Neth influence whether or not we make good or bad decisions. But here’s the best part.

He posted a video that he says if you pay close attention to the symbols and audio in it that it will pull the alien out of your head!!!

Here’s the video.

*Johnny Red is not responsible for any fucked up shit that may happen to you upon watching the video. I watched it and nothing happened. So if something does happen to you, like say an alien pops out of your head then that is on you and not me*

 

While concentrating on the symbols and keeping my ears open to the strange audio, as I was instructed, this “dying” NASA scientist continues to narrate. You would think that would be a distraction from the concentration? Anyway as I’m listening to him talk about the alien parasite taking up refuge in my brain, he mentions that the alien will appear next to you and may move some objects around you.

I’m basically laughing to myself at this point.

Then he says something else. He says, “Don’t be frightened by the alien presence as it will dissipate within two hours.”

I hit stop on the play button.

Only two hours?! Really? I suppose after the 10-20 minutes of screaming in utter terror subside you can maybe watch a couple episodes of House M.D. with it!

 

House M.D.: When you need to kill a couple hours waiting for your alien parasite being to re-integrate itself with your brain.

 

Two fucking hours that alien brain parasite will be hanging out with you. I can just picture myself seeing it appear next to me,  then I get up from my computer chair, leave my bedroom, and quietly close the door behind me.

Then two hours later opening my bedroom door, look inside, close it again and say, “Nope, he’s still in there.”

Johnny Red and His Team of Scientists VS. The Alien Invasion!!!

It’s dark now. No sounds, no movement, no lights, save for those blasted search lights, scouring the land for any signs of life. We’ve learned to move in the shadows. We’ve learned to be as quiet as a feather in the breeze. We’ve learned that all we have left is hope.

Hope, and an unrelenting thirst for vengeance against those little grey bastards!!

 

 

 

This is Johnny Red. I’m writing this journal as a record of my Team of Scientists and I’s attempt to bring the alien invasion to a halt. If we fail, and God forbid succumb to the anal death probes ourselves, we wanted the rest of the world to know that we tried.

Our plan right now is fairly simple. Merely to bring down one of their nightly patrol vessels, open it up like a tin can, kill the little grey fuck inside, then…study it.

Our resource has told us that a single nightly patrol vessel monitors this area. How does our resource know this? Because he is the only man to ever survive the anal death probe and escape from their alien grasp. He’s become a folk hero in these dark times. He’s revered as humanity’s savior. He can barely speak English. My Team of Scientists and I were fortunate enough to find this man.

 

His name is Billy Willy. The smell alone was atrocious.

 

When asked how he managed to survive the anal death probe, Billy Willy told me, “I figurd dem aliens like lookin’ up people’s bums, so I grabbed what was nearest by me, and up it went.”

 

Pictured: Object that, "Up it went."

 

He explained what happened next.

“See them alien’s prober couldn’t get into my bum, on account of my leatherman. So they pull’d it out and started examin’ it. While they was busy I snook off to find the telepert room. I knows from the Star Trek that there’s always gonna be a telepert room.”

I can’t believe I’m saying this, but his logic is near flawless. Anyway, as he was saying.

“Once I founded that telepert room, I stepped into this light and before I could say, ‘racoon dinner’, I was teleperted back to where they first picked me ups.”

I asked Billy Willy if the aliens put up a fight while he was trying to escape? He replied, “Dat’s the thing! These aliens are big and scary with them space ships flying around, but they is puny and soft demselves. I had to use some Star Trek Diplomicy to get inside the teleperter room.”

 

 

Billy Willy’s experience has provided my Team of Scientists and I crucial information regarding our alien invaders. They are susceptible to physical harm just like us humans. I thanked Billy Willy for telling me his story, then handed over a 30 rack of Bud Light, a new pair of overalls, and a bar of soap. He was excited for only two of these things.

So this brings us up to date on our current mission. Scientist #3 has lured the patrol vessel towards an open field. Surrounding this field are a series of hills. Hills with plenty of hiding places. Hiding places large enough to allow us the time and cover to set up the LARGEST GOD DAMN TESLA COIL EVER MADE!!

It’s in range Scientist #2!! Turn it on!!

 

Shazam!!

 

Holy shit! It worked! Quickly my Team of Scientists! Get me inside that ship!

Using a variety of cutting instruments, prying devices, and a few small explosives, my Team of Scientists finally managed to open the doors to the patrol vessel.

Waiting for me as the doors opened…

 

Why, hello! Tell me Mr. Grey, do you know what a crowbar is??

 

*Crack!*

*Smash!*

*Alien screams!*

*Pummel!*

 

Get it back to base! Oh, and fetch my tools!

 

Back at our makeshift base I begin the autopsy. Billy Willy was right in the fact that the aliens are very much like us. Similar bone structure, humanoid in appearance.

Scientist #2 hand me that scalpel!

*riiiiip!*

Ok, now give me that rib splitter!

*craaaack!*

I tear into this grey the way a spoiled child would a christmas present. And with twice the joy!

 

Grey's Anatomy

 

Upon dissecting the grey, I’ve noticed something odd. Well the whole thing is odd, but something specific.

Cat hair. There are traces of cat hair in this grey’s stomach! This reminded me of something Billy Willy told me.

“Is not just peoples they is taking ‘neither. All the cats in the areas have gone missin’ too.”

I had originally disregarded this comment from Billy Willy, but it appears he may be right again. Thinking back on the last few months on the run with my Team of Scientists, we never came across one cat. Hiding in dark alleys, sneaking through empty cities at night, and finally traversing through the countryside, I can’t recall seeing a single cat. Not even a stray! What does this mean?

Pondering this revelation would have to wait, as my Team of Scientists has informed me that…the Mothership has arrived! I tell my Team of Scientists that I would face this threat alone. In case I don’t come back I’ll need them to continue my work, and continue the fight against the grey menace. Unsurprisingly, they don’t argue to go with me.

 

Take me to your bastard leader!

 

After being transported onto the Alien Mothership, I find myself in what appears to be a holding cell of some kind. Luckily for me Scientist #4 handed me his nifty electronic skeleton key. Hey! If you can transfer a virus from a Earth computer to an Alien computer like in “Independence Day”, then I can use a damn electronic skeleton key.

Once free of my cell I notice that I’m not the only prisoner on this ship. There are hundreds, if not thousands of holding cells in this area. And judging by the alarms I’ve set off by using the electronic skeleton key, I should probably find some help.

Door one.

 

"Well you see the thing about greys is sometimes they are green! Whoa! Nanu! Nanu!"

 

I don’t think so, you sasquatch of a man! *Slam!*

 

Door two.

 

"El...i...ot???"

 

No, I’m not Eliot you space passifist! *Slam!*

 

Door three.

 

"Thank goodness! Now all we have to do is reverse encode their hyper thrusters and they will be instantly sent back to their point of origin!"

 

Sorry my good Doctor, but you’re not stealing my thunder! *Slam!*

 

Door four.

 

*garble garble* Predator speech. *garble garble*

 

Oooooh! Yes my friend! You will do nicely!!

Recognizing that I have freed him from his cell, The Predator has opted not to disembowel me. No sooner have we recognized our unholy alliance, the holding area is flooded with greys. I tell the Predator that I need to get to the command room and discover who is leading this alien invasion.

He cuts a swath. A bloody, grey swath.

We have reached the command room door. I instruct The Predator to guard the entrance while I use the electronic skeleton key to get inside.

My worst fears come true.

 

Gordon Shumway aka ALF!!

 

Well this explains the missing cats.

*Interlude*

It has occured to me that many of my younger readers have no idea who ALF is. ALF came to Earth in the mid-eighties and used his intelligence and charm to parley an acting career. He had a hit television show that ran over 100 episodes. People loved him. But I knew what he was really after.

 

He liked to eat fucking cats.

 

Luckily his popularity came to a close before he could enact his endgame. However, over twenty years later, he’s at it again!

*End Interlude*

 

Alf and I lock eyes. He’s staring at me with a horrible curiosity. Perplexed on how I was able to survive the alien invasion, escape my holding cell, and now stand before him.

“Oh, you must be one of the clever ones? I have an entire holding area where I keep the clever ones.”

“Yeah I know. In fact one such clever one is currently tearing your army of greys a new one.”

Alf slams his fist on his desk. He then rises from his chair and makes his way down to me, all the while yapping in typical villain speak.

“I tried once before to acquire our resources in a peaceful manner. But you humans turned me into a joke!”

“By resources I’m assuming you mean cats? Very clever how you hid the abduction of our house cat population with an alien invasion.”

Alf is now face to face with me.

“You will not get in my way!  You will now experience the awesome power of Gordon Shumway, THE LAST OF THE MELMACIAN RACE!!”

“Yeah well, feel this!”

 

A crowbar: Never leave home without it.

 

After several strikes with my mighty crowbar, Alf’s limp body falls to the floor. I throw the crowbar down and step back to admire my work. Alf still manages to continue talking.

“What’s the matter human? Don’t have the stomach to finish the job? Hahaha! This is but a minor set back in my plan.”

“Oh, I have the stomach alright, but I think your end should come from those seeking retribution.”

“…How do you mean?”

“You see I came across another holding area on my way here. And I don’t think they have been fed in a while.”

“No! No! It can’t end this way!”

“Hey fellas!”

 

Yes! Yes you can!

 

Alf gargles his last sounds as the cats devour him. I make my way to the command console of the Mothership to free the prisoners from their holding cells, and teleport them back to their homeworlds. I then teleport the captured house cats back home to Earth.

There is only one thing left to do. I send forth a command signal for all the alien ships to return to the Mothership. Once they have all docked I proceed with Johnny Red’s endgame.

 

Of course every spaceship has one.

 

After pushing the button I teleport myself back home. The Mothership explodes and lights up the night sky. With my Team of Scientists by my side we stand confident as cheers are heard from every town and city on Earth.

 

10 months later

 

My Team of Scientists and I are hard at work on our Quantum State Device when we hear a knock at the front door. I command Scientist #3 to go see who it is.

He returns with a perplexed look on his face, and also carrying what appears to be a small basket.

“It came with a note,” He says.

 

"Now he's YOUR responsibility!!!"

 

My Team of Scientists look to me for an answer. That’s when it hits me that I had completely forgotten about that…other holding cell I had found.

 

Flashback

 

Um...alright I have five minutes, so let's make them count!

 

 

John Michael Gagnon…Beam Me Up…Johnny Red 

 

Strange News Links

Missing Link Found in Church 

A Catholic who believed his prayers were answered when he was rescued from a lift was killed when he went to church to give thanks and the stone alter fell on him.

 

 

 

Women Duped Into Appearing in Fake ‘Big Brother’

A group of celebrity-hungry young women in Turkey were conned into frolicking naked and engaging in cat fights after being tricked into believing that they were appearing on a Big Brother-style reality show.

 

I hope you are all proud of yourselves.

 

Robot to Get Human Brain Cells

British researchers plan to create a robot controlled by human brain cells–It’s all cooked up in a broth of nutrients zapped by electricity.

 

Fuck yes! It's finally gonna happen!

 

 

Mermaid Sightings Claimed in Israel

Locals and tourists in the Israeli town of Kiryat Yam have been flocking to the coast in hopes of glimpsing a creature that most people believe only exist in fairy tales.

 

Hmmm? I believe either choice would result in a boner retreat.

 

 

Rare Tongue-Eating Parasite Found

A rare parasite which burrows into host fish before eating and replacing their tongues with itself has been found off the Jersey coast.

 

Jesus, God in heaven!! Try! Try not to have nightmares after seeing that shit!

 

 

Johnny Red transmits brain poison because he loves you all.